“Is it really that hard to give yourself permission to be happy?” Aiden whispered.
“I’m trying,” she said.
“At the very least, I want you to admit that you loved me,” he said. “Admit that what I felt wasn’t one-sided.”
She looked up at him, her soft brown eyes swimming with emotion. “I don’t have to tell you how I felt about you, Aiden.”
“I need to hear you say it.”
She sucked in a deep breath, and said, “I loved you.”
Her voice was so small he could barely hear it, but he did, and the pleasure her words set off in his head was as addictive as anything he’d ever felt.
“Thank you,” he whispered against her hair.
He pulled back slightly and looked down at her. “I’m not going to push you, but can we please at least try to stop pretending that we’re just these two friends who knew each other a few years ago, and just happen to keep in touch online from time to time? I can’t go back to that. I need to know that there’s at least a chance that we will finally be together.”
After several weighty moments passed, finally she said, “Yes.”
Aiden wasn’t sure if he believed in Christmas miracles, but he was certain he’d just experienced his first one.
Chapter 5
Nyla rested her head on Aiden’s shoulder as they swayed slowly to the delicate strumming of the serenading musicians on the Piazza Navona. For the first time in a long while—in three years to be exact—she felt light, free, as if a weight she didn’t want to admit to carrying had suddenly been lifted.
Happiness.
That’s what she was feeling right now.
If anyone had dared to suggest that she was anything but happy with the new life she’d built for herself, Nyla would have laughed it off. How could she not be happy? She’d left a job she never truly enjoyed to pursue her lifelong passion in one of the world’s most amazing cities, then had moved to the rolling hills of Tuscany, with its gorgeous landscapes and rich history. She was living a dream.
But it wasn’t her dream.
Her dream had never been to live so far away from her family and everyone she loved. No matter how adept she’d become at convincing herself that she was happy here in Europe, Aiden’s dogged prodding had forced her to own up to the truth.
For the past three years, she had been living a lie.
She’d lived the lie for much longer than these past three years. Every time she’d told herself that she wasn’t falling in love with him, that it had only been overcompensation for the hurt she felt whenever Cameron’s lack of attention would disappoint her, it had all been a lie.
She had loved him. And though she still couldn’t bring herself to voice the words, Nyla couldn’t deny the truth nestled deep down in the well of her soul.
She still loved him. She had never stopped.
The musicians strummed one final, haunting note before taking their bow. She and Aiden, along with several other couples who had joined in dancing under the stars twinkling high above the popular square, tipped the musicians with several euros before reclaiming their seats in the outdoor dining area of one of the piazza’s many restaurants. Aiden and Nyla both declined dessert, opting to grab something at one of the booths that lined the square.
“So, this is something special that they do just for the holidays?” he asked as they strolled past a booth selling handmade tree ornaments in red, green and white.
“The vendors selling paintings and postcards and the other touristy trinkets are always here, but these booths are known as the Christmas Market. This is just one of the things you get to experience being in Rome at this time of year that most tourists don’t.”
They came upon a booth with a collection of wooden puppets on one side and scraggly, witchlike dolls propped up on the other.
Aiden picked up one of the witches. “I can understand the Pinocchio dolls, but why would anyone want to give the Wicked Witch of the West as a Christmas gift?”
“That is the Befana,” the vendor said in heavily accented English, holding another out to Nyla.
“Oh, yes,” Nyla said. “Guido bought several of these for his grandchildren. It’s another bit of Italian folklore,” she explained. “She isn’t a witch, despite the black cape and broom. The Befana delivers treats for the children just before the Feast of the Epiphany.”
“It would creep me out if I unwrapped a present and found this,” Aiden said, setting the doll back on the display shelf. “Makes me appreciate the Transformers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles I got for Christmas even more.”
Nyla shook her head in amusement as they continued on. They browsed several presepe stalls, with their hand-carved nativity pieces, and several other vendors selling delicate blown-glass ornaments.
“You never told me what your favorite Christmas tradition is,” she said. Aiden looked over at her with a curious dip to his brow. “Last night, we were discussing our favorite Christmas traditions, but we never got around to yours.”
“Ah, yes.” Lightly swinging their clasped hands between them, he said, “My favorite tradition was opening presents on Christmas morning. I think my parents recognized that Cameron commanded so much of their attention throughout the year that they tried to make up for it at Christmas. I pretty much got anything I wanted. I still regret not asking for something really cool, like a rocket simulator or something like that.”
Nyla’s shoulders shook with her laugh. “What was your very favorite gift?”
His mouth curved in a wistful smile. “A pair of used sneakers.”
“Used sneakers?”
Aiden nodded. “A gift from Cameron. They were the sneakers he wore during the high-school basketball championship game his senior year. He was named MVP. I wanted those sneakers so badly, but I never said anything. Somehow he knew. He gave them to me for Christmas that year, and I wore them all throughout high school.”
A deep ache pierced Nyla’s chest. “I ruined your relationship with him, didn’t I?”
“No, Nyla. Cameron and I were never all that close. I looked up to him at one time, but once he was drafted into the NBA and became a cliché, I just couldn’t respect him.” He shook his head. “I really don’t know what you ever saw in him.”
“I fell for the charm,” she said. “Like so many other people, he won me over with that larger-than-life personality.”
“You’re just so different from all the other women he ever brought home.”
“That’s why I thought things would be different between us, that he would be different. I had no illusions about your brother, Aiden. I knew he was a player, and not just on the basketball court. Maybe I was naive, but I really thought that I could tame the great Cameron Williams.”
Aiden snorted.
“I know. It seems really naive now that I think about it. Not just naive, I was stupid to think I could change him.”
“Cameron was the stupid one. Not you. He’d always been a bit of an ass, but I blamed that on his coaches and all the people that used to hype him up. People began treating him like he was some basketball god before he even started high school. But once he was drafted into the NBA, it just grew to a ridiculous level. I pretty much gave up on having any type of meaningful relationship with him after that.”
“I wonder if he realizes what he’s missing out on,” she said.
The moment the words left her mouth, Nyla was struck by how closely they applied to her own life. She had been missing out on the same thing.
Aiden hadn’t missed the irony, either. “I won’t point out the obvious,” he drawled.
“It’s not necessary,” she said.
He rubbed his thumb along the sensitive spot on her inner wrist. “You don’t have to miss out on it any longer, Nyla. Just say the word.”
Nyla entwined her fingers with his, giving his hand a squeeze, hoping he understood the words she couldn’t yet bring herself to say.
Half an hour later, they sat on a stone bench on the Piazza del Popolo. The oval piazza was one of the highest points in Rome.
“You were right,” Aiden said as he stared up at the clear sky. “Even with all the famous sights I’ve seen today, this is my absolute favorite part of the tour.”
“I told you you’d enjoy it,” Nyla said. His love for astronomy was one thing he’d never hidden from anyone. Every time she’d come here on previous trips, she’d thought about how much Aiden would love it.
She huddled closer to him on the bench, her head tipped back as she, too, looked at the stars above them. “How perfect that with all the cloud cover we had today, the sky would be so clear tonight.”
“I’d like to think you ordered it up just for me.”
She laughed. “I’ve made a few connections over here in Italy, but I’m not that well connected.”
“The way the city lights reflect off the snow, it makes it look as if everything is sprinkled with diamonds. And the stars.” He tipped his head back again, looking at the crystal clear sky, peppered with twinkling stars high above Rome. “How often do you come out here?” he asked.
“Every time I visit. It’s the best place in all of Rome, maybe in all of Italy, to look at the sky.” She hesitated for a long moment, before admitting, “It took me a while to realize that I did it in order to keep a connection to you.”
Aiden’s gaze shot to her.
Nyla wrapped her hand around the crook of his arm, securing her hold on him as she snuggled even closer in the cold.
“I would often wonder—hope, even—that you were somewhere doing the exact same thing. I would picture you in your parents’ backyard, looking through that old telescope with the duct tape around the barrel. Often, during those times when I was missing home so much that it hurt to even breathe, I would imagine you somewhere gazing at the same stars I was seeing. It was the only thing that would bring me peace.”
“That’s what’s special about the stars,” Aiden whispered. “Even thousands of miles away, there’s always that connection.” He lifted her chin and stared into her eyes. “I’ve lost count of how many times over the years I’ve stared up at the sky thinking about you, Nyla. Those nights we spent together, just like this one, gazing up at the stars. I loved that more than anything. That very first time you joined me, I think that’s when I started to fall in love with you.”
Nyla pulled in a deep breath. She looked away, focusing on the gleaming dome of St. Peter’s Basilica.
“You’re thinking about it, too, aren’t you?” Aiden asked. “About the last time we looked at the stars together.”
She kept her eyes straight ahead, but nodded.
It was a moment that had replayed in her mind more times than she could count over the past three years. It occurred on the night of her twenty-seventh birthday, when Cameron had planned a date at a fancy restaurant in downtown Atlanta. As usual, he’d asked her to meet him at his parents’ because it was a shorter drive than having to cross the city and pick her up at her home in Kirkwood.
But Cameron never showed up. He’d called after being more than an hour late to tell her he’d been held up and wouldn’t make it. Nyla had become used to him standing her up, but had thought he surely wouldn’t let anything come before her birthday celebration.
But, of course, he had. Because, as she later discovered, Cameron had put just about everything before her.
Even though he had been under immense pressure preparing for finals, Aiden put his studies on the side for the night and joined her on the wooden swing in his parents’ backyard. He’d lifted a bottle of champagne from his mother’s collection, and they celebrated her birthday underneath the stars.
When she’d kissed him that night, it had felt right.
When he’d kissed her back, it had felt like heaven.
“It wasn’t a mistake that time,” Aiden said in a whisper-soft voice. “Just like it wasn’t a mistake earlier today. When I kiss you, when we’re connected that way, it’s the only time that everything in the world seems right, Nyla.”
A pained moan tore from her throat. “Why must you always say the right thing?”
“Why can’t you ever accept it as truth?” She dipped her eyes, but Aiden wouldn’t let her look away. He took her chin and gently turned her face toward him. “I love you, Nyla. And you love me. We fell in love when we shouldn’t have, but it doesn’t change the fact that it happened. It’s been long enough, Nyla. Whether or not it was right shouldn’t matter anymore.”
“I know it shouldn’t,” she said. “But a part of me feels as if it still does.”
He pushed out a frustrated breath. “I honestly don’t understand why it’s so hard for you to move past this.”
Nyla stretched her legs out and crossed them at the ankles. She did the same with her arms, stretching her hands in front of her before plopping them down on her lap. Finally, she looked over at him.
“Did I ever tell you about the time I won second place in the school science fair back when I was in the sixth grade?” she started. “I probably didn’t, because I was only proud of it for about an hour or so. Because just after lunch period, the principal announced the overall science fair winners on the school intercom. My sister Charlene won the overall prize for the best science fair project in the entire school.
“Just when I thought I’d finally done something to make my parents proud, in swept Charlene. She was a year ahead of me, so I was constantly trying to step out of her shadow.”
“But you told me your parents never played favorites or treated any of you differently,” he said.
“They didn’t, because I never gave them the chance,” she said. “That day I came in second place at the science fair was the same day I decided I would never give my parents a reason not to be proud of me. And I lived up to it. I graduated at the top of my class at Spelman, and excelled in a job that I absolutely hated. It was worth it. All those long hours on the phone making deals—it was all worth it because my parents loved to brag about all of my top Account Executive of the Year Awards.
“You know what they didn’t brag about to their friends? They didn’t brag about my fiancé standing me up at the altar and accusing me of sleeping with his younger brother.”
“Nyla—”
“The look of disappointment on my mother’s face—I think that hurt me more than anything else. You can call me a coward, but it’s the thought of seeing that look on their faces again that has kept me here, Aiden.”
“Your parents have forgiven you, Nyla. You’re the only one who can’t let go of the fact that you weren’t the perfect person you tried to make yourself into. When will you realize that you’ll never be happy until you stop giving a damn about what other people think and start living for you?”
“That’s easier said than done, especially when your mistakes have hurt so many people.”
“It’s easier than you think it is,” he said. “All you have to do is decide that you’re going to do it.” He captured her hand and brought her fingers to his lips. “It’s time to let it go, Nyla. We’ve both paid a high enough price for the hurt we caused three years ago. It’s time you forgive yourself and accept that you deserve to be happy. Do you think you can finally find the courage to do that?”
* * *
Aiden did his best to appear calm and relaxed, but on the inside he was a ball of chaotic emotions.
This was it. There was nothing left to say.
If he had not convinced Nyla that they belonged together, he would just have to face the fact that they didn’t. If she refused to accept his love, if she chose to remain in the past instead of l
ooking toward the future they could have, then he would have to move on. He refused to live the rest of his life waiting for her to come to terms with that one mistake they’d made three years ago.
Seconds drifted into minutes as they sat silently underneath the stars, huddling together as the temperature continued to drop. After some time had passed, Nyla cleared her throat.
His heartbeats stopped as he waited for her to speak.
“It’s getting late,” she said in a small voice. “I think we should head back to the hotel before the snow starts again.”
Aiden’s eyelids slid shut. He had his answer.
The silence in the cab ride back to the hotel clawed at his skin. He wanted to rage, to force her to see that the mistake she was making this time was so much worse than what had happened back in Atlanta.
But what good would it do?
She admitted that she loved him. But apparently loving him wasn’t enough to overcome the shame she’d allowed to paralyze her these past three years.
The only thing standing in the way of them being together was this ridiculous guilt she refused to let go of, and there was nothing more he could do to get her to see reason. His chest nearly caved in with the deep ache that settled there as reality set in.
It was time for him to move on.
Aiden held the door for her as she exited the cab, and gestured for her to walk ahead of him into the hotel. Once there, they stuck to separate sides of the tiny room, doing their best not to bump into each other. Nyla sat on the edge of the bed, her back to him. The room was so quiet that the sound of the zipper teeth pulling apart as she unzipped her boots echoed around them.
“You can use the bathroom first,” she said, still facing away from him.
“No, you go ahead.” He could barely get the words past the frustration clogging his throat.
Nyla pushed herself up from the bed and turned to face him. The pain in her eyes made Aiden want to pick up the chair next to him and crash it against the wall.
How in the hell could she deny that they belonged together? It was written all over her face.
Hot Christmas Nights Page 7