“Spike their drinks with X-lax?” Danny said hopefully. God, that’s something Les would’ve suggested—only with Les you couldn’t be sure she was joking.
“We could. We could also end up serving two to seven for felony assault.” Mat conceded. “Plus, thanks to Danny, we had that whole: She’s a doctor and you’re stupid discussion, so now they’ll feel like they’ve got something to prove.” Danny responded by sticking her tongue out at him. “Nice comeback, brat.”
“Just bring up fruit flies and they’ll scatter, just like… flies.” God, I sounded like such a dweeb.
“Don’t worry baby, I’ll protect you.” Danny gave Brett a loud smooch on the cheek. “I will fuck those bitches up MMA style ‘cause that’s just how I roll.”
Brett grinned watching her karate kick a bush. “I know a lot of guys that’d pay good money to see that.”
“Hell, I know a lot of girls that would pay good money to see that,” Danny replied.
Mat leaned down. “You do realize you’re hot, right? Way hotter than those fem-bots. All that should be worrying you is what I’m going to do to you now that we have the tent to ourselves.” He nibbled my ear and a chill ran down my spine. “Have I mentioned I got a thing for dark haired, dark eyed beauties?”
“Yeah, you may have mentioned it a time or two,” I said with a shy smile.
It was late afternoon and the shadows were lengthening. There was a crowd of people sitting with my folks under the canopy. I assumed the family was with the Arizona grandparents, and the two guys were the Canadians. There was a boy that looked about eight wearing headphones, kicked back on a cooler playing with his cell, and Avery, the fem-bots and a teenage girl were on the opposite side of camp sitting at the picnic table. A sudden blood-curdling scream that only little girls of about four could make sliced through my skull as she stared at me in horror then dashed to hide behind a middle-aged woman sitting with my folks. Motherfucker, I hated when that happened.
“Smart kid,” I muttered out of the corner of my mouth.
“Right, like you’d hurt a little girl,” Angie’s punch to my arm was more of a tap as if she were afraid those little fists of her could actually hurt me.
“Oh, you’ll find out soon enough little girl, just how good I can hurt,” I growled. Her eyes widened; she looked away as roses bloomed on her cheeks. Sweet.
“Yo, Biggie, the kid obviously isn’t a Shrek fan.”
“Hush-up, Donkey.”
“Here they are now. The scary one’s my son Mat.” Mom laughed. “The little doll is his girlfriend, Angie; the Amazon, also mine, is Danny; and the other handsome young man is her boyfriend, Brett.” I nodded to them as Angie’s grip tightened in my hand. “This is the Canadian couple I told you about, Miles and Joe.”
“Congratulations,” I said, shaking their hands across the table.
“And these are the Garrisons, Mark and his wife, Sarah; their son and daughter in-law, John and Wendy; their grandchildren, Carrie’s over there with Avery and the girls, Brian, and you heard little Megan.”
I sat down on the ground near to where Megan cowered behind her mom. “Hey Princess. Those are some great pipes you got there.” I spoke softly. When she peeked out with huge eyes, I smiled. “You’re not going to hurt me are you? ‘Cause it hurts my feelings when pretty princesses are scared of me. I may be big and ugly on the outside, but inside, I’m just a big softy.”
She considered me, my ink catching her eye. I waited. And everyone else waited with me, watching to see what she’d do. I saw the internal battle waging on her face, her uncertainty versus her natural curiosity. She inched out a little more to get a better look, and I held my arms out so she could see. “You like my ink?” She nodded. “Check it; my sister did these for me. You can touch them if you like. See the fish swimming up my arms?”
She edged forward and reached out a tentative hand, touching the fish on my forearm, her eyes occasionally darting to my face before returning to my ink. She got bolder. I chuckled when she reached my neck, pretending it tickled, and got a giggle in return. Then she stepped in, using my ears like handles, and put her face right in mine. “Are you a Genie?” she whispered.
“Like from Aladdin?” She nodded. “No I’m an ogre.” I said, smirking at Danny. “But I never eat princesses, and I only eat pretty little girls when they ask me real nice.” I gave Angie a sultry look.
“Why would girls ask you to eat them?”
“Because I only nibble a little and it tickles. Will you be my friend?” She thought about it then nodded, and gave me a solemn handshake. “I’m going to stand up now so don’t be scared, okay?”
“Another conquest son.” I dusted off my butt and grinned at him. Everyone was smiling, and Megan’s folks looked kinda surprised.
“Anyone else besides me need a beer?” Danny asked. Six hands went up. Yes, we liked our beer.
“Matty can you turn on the music? Your father tried but nothing came out.”
“Sure thing, Mammy.” I grabbed Angie.
“You don’t have to worry mijo, we’ll look after her.” I had to think fast because I wasn’t leaving her with the sharks.
“I may need her, no telling what Dad did to my player.”
“Really, I’m not that bad,” Dad said, looking around the table.
I already knew why the player didn’t work. I had it plugged into the auxiliary jack, and although the key didn't have to be in the ignition, it did have to be within range of the transmitter. It would take more time to choose the playlist than it would to get the music going. “You think we can drive them away with annoying music?” I asked.
“Doubtful, but it’s worth a shot. What do we have to work with?”
I pulled Angie into a front to back hug so she could see the play lists while I read them aloud. “We have the Hari Krishna dance mix. Ummm… Buddhist chanting, both Sutras and Gathas… Accordion and tuba Oompah music…”
“What’s taking so long? The vultures are beginning to circle.” Danny asked.
“We’re trying to choose the perfect musical selection for our guests.”
Danny clapped her hands excitedly, looking over my shoulder at the menu. “I want to play… Ooh, what’s the Lawrence Welk mix?”
“It is a perfect blend of easy listening, ballroom dance and polka music.”
“Do I want to know why you have a children’s show tune playlist?” Angie started grinning. “Never mind… Let’s see… Can we shuffle: The Lawrence Welk, gotta have the children’s show tunes for Megan—I’m assuming Barney’s included on that—and the video game music?”
“That is a truly heinous mix.” God, I loved the devious way Angie’s mind worked. Smart was awesome.
We returned just as Avery walked up with the girls. He snagged one of the beers Danny had waiting, not bothering to ask and started guzzling. Lucky for him there were children present. Prick. Instead of calling him out, I swung us around, feeling the fem-bots track me with their eyes as we got a couple more beers. I could see confusion on everyone’s faces when we rejoined them as Megan began to clap and dance.
Tori looked at us. “Like, what is this?”
I grinned, scooping Megan up. “Tell everyone what this song is, princess.”
“It’s The Wiggles!” She hugged my neck as I spun around, shrieking in my ear. Ouch. Joe and Miles exchanged a looked, glanced at the fem-bots and started to smile, and my folks just looked resigned. I grabbed Angie with my other arm to finish the dance with us.
“Did I hear correctly that Danny did your tattoos?” Mark gawked openly at my arms as I picked up my beer. Dancing with two beautiful girls is thirsty work.
“Yes Sir, she kinda learned on me.”
“Mark has a tattoo, don’t you honey.”
“Yep, got it in Hawaii during the war.” He pulled up his shirtsleeve revealing a faded anchor with a U.S.N. inscribed banner.
“That’s very cool. Which war?” I asked, raising my beer. I figured it was okay to ask
, since he’d brought it up. Although I was too hard headed to do it, I appreciated those that chose to serve.
“W.W. Two and Korea.”
“Brett’s in the Army Reserves,” Danny said, hugging him. “Hey, you know, I could totally touch that up if you want. Brighten it back up.”
“I’ll keep that in mind young lady.”
A waltz, then nice polka followed the Wiggles song, much to Sarah’s delight. “This reminds me of the Lawrence Welk show.”
“Yes Ma’am,” Mat said. “That’s his house band.”
“Dude, can I speak to you alone?” Avery said through gritted teeth. I guess not everyone appreciated a good polka.
“No.” Mat said, turning to the grinning newlyweds. They seemed nice, neatly dressed, somewhere in their mid-thirties. “So what do you guys do when you’re not honeymooning?”
“I’m a secondary school teacher. That’s like American high school, and Joe is a personal trainer at my gym. That’s how we met. He was my trainer.” Miles blushed slightly as Joe gripped his shoulder.
“He could train me anytime,” Suzi muttered.
“Do you teach a specific subject?” Carmen asked, ignoring her.
“Earth science mostly, and one section of AP Biology.” Carmen looked at me expectantly, but, thankfully, said nothing. I really just wanted to pretend I was normal.
“Nothing to say, Ms. P.H.D.?” Baily said nastily. “I’ve heard getting those online degrees can be a bitch.”
So much for pretending to be normal, I guess I was going there. Academics was probably the only area where I stood a chance of outshining these bimbos. “Actually, Baily, I matriculated at UCSD, earning two Doctorates by the time I was twenty-one, and I currently head my own research team at the university with two post-docs under me. Remind me again, you’re in your third year at SDSU and still undeclared. I’ve heard passing your G.E.s can be a bitch. But I guess you already know that since you’ve failed bio twice. Perhaps you should try online.”
Mat smooched my head, warming me, and Danny was gleeful. “You know Baily, it’s okay if college isn’t your thing. I’m sure there’s a pole somewhere with your name on it, but next time you might not want to buy your tits off Craig’s List. Just sayin’.” Oh, my God, that was harsh. Joe’s hand was discreetly over his mouth as Miles buried his face against him, his shoulders silently shaking. Even Stewart looked amused as Tori and Baily traded sour looks.
“Yes, well, we can’t all be geniuses.” Avery ingratiated; trying to sneak an arm around Baily as the fem-bots closed ranks, muttering, “Freak.”
“True dat,” Danny said. “Otherwise, Jerry Springer and Honey Boo Boo would be unemployed.” I wish I could come with stuff like off the top of my head; it sorta lost something when you said it ten minutes too late.
“I love Honey Boo Boo.” This from the bot wearing a Hollister tee. I never understood why anyone would pay to be a walking billboard.
“Of course you do.” Danny said. “Baily, aren’t you going to introduce your stooges?”
Baily narrowed her eyes as Avery preempted her. “This is Tori, Mandi and Suzi.” Suzi was the Honey Boo Boo fan girl, and Mandi was the girl heckling Mat earlier at the pool. I guess they already knew who we were, since they didn't ask our names. There was an awkward silence, no one quite knowing where to go from here.
“Two Doctorates at twenty-one, that’s almost unheard of, were you privately educated growing up?” Miles asked picking up my earlier boast. Shit, why did I say anything. I knew better.
“No, my Mom wanted to, but my dad thought I needed an environment where everyone wasn’t quite so privileged, so I attended public schools on an IEP then double majored in biochemistry and microbiology.” Miles nodded.
“An IEP?” asked Mandi.
“An Individualized Education Plan. It’s part of special-ed. It’s mostly used for students with disabilities. But it also has other uses.”
“So you’re special-ed?” Tori snickered.
“Yep. That’s why I was able to read Harry Potter in class, while the other kids were busy learning how to tie their shoes.” Bitch.
“And not pick their noses or eat paste.” Danny added.
“Actually, Mat’s way more accomplished than I am.” A haunting choral arrangement with an underlying militant beat filled the conversational lull. “Hey, this is cool, what is it?”
“It’s the original Halo theme song,” Mat said. I’d always been too busy studying to get into video games, and after I graduated, I just didn’t see the point. Perhaps I needed to revisit it now that I had more time.
“Yes we’re very proud of both our children.” Thank God, Stewart took over. I so didn't want to talk about my freakishness anymore. “Mat’s a partner in an architecture firm he and a couple of his friends started, and Danny owns her own tattoo parlor, and recently received her masters in fine arts.”
“Yeah, well, I got a lot of help from my family,” Danny said modestly. “I was venting my frustration to Dad one night, about how sick I was of only doing generic flash that’s the bread and butter of most parlors. So he suggested I open shop where I could develop my own art. Next thing I knew Mom was taking care of all the legal stuff, and Mat was redesigning the interior of a store-front he found and lending me startup capital.”
Mat flinched, letting me go to rub his arm where Danny had punched him affectionately. Since he was as big as a freak’n mountain, it was probably more for show than from actual discomfort. I knew I shouldn’t be bothered by the hungry way Mandi and Tori watched his hand slide over his skin, but I found them intimidating, remembering how good their tanned bodies looked posing on the rocks. I shook my empty beer can looking around for the recycle bin Stewart set out last night. I needed another beer or better yet, a shot.
“I’m empty.” I looked at Mat. “You want another?”
“Always sweetness,” he said with an intentional rumbled and a looked that said he wasn’t talking about beer.
Avery grabbed his arm as we turned. “Dude, I really need to talk to you for a minute.” He looked meaningfully at the fem-bots. “Alone.”
“Might as well get it over with,” I murmured, taking his empty can. “It’s getting late and I’d feel better knowing he’s not sleeping anywhere near me.”
Angie made a good point, I didn't know where he thought he was crashing, but it sure as hell wasn’t with us. So I let him drag me off for a private one on one while Angie got our beers. “Talk.” I said, crossing my arms over my chest.
“I need your help man. I think I can score with Tori if you make nice with Mandi. She’s into you.”
“Is today a special occasion, or are you always this stupid? If you hadn’t noticed I’m with Angie.”
“So what, you just met her. It’s not like she’s your girlfriend. Besides, think about it for a minute. Hot coeds, sorta cute nerd girl… coeds… nerd.” He was tipping his hands up and down like he was a fucking scale. “Come on, I need my wingman. I’ll bet if we play this right we can do all four.” What a douche. He looked at me expectantly.
“Sorry, you’re flying solo.” His face fell momentarily then became calculating.
“If I don’t make it with one of those chicks, where am I going to sleep?”
“Not my problem. When you show up uninvited, you’re SOL. You can always leave. Besides, I wouldn’t touch those chicks even if I were alone. You did hear about the syphilis outbreak at SDSU?”
“So just put a jacket on that bad boy and it’s all good.” I really wanted to put my fist through his greedy face.
“Fuck off.” I gave him my back, stalking into the evening’s gloom. Didn’t he realize I was his boss? Just because I didn't look the part didn't mean I wouldn't can his ass. I detoured, turning on the lights before returning for the brew my woman was getting me—that’s right, my woman—I might not have been looking for it, but if the fates saw fit to drop perfection in my lap, no way I was going to throw it away.
Angie and Dann
y were MIA upon my return; I raised eyebrows at Brett. “They’re in the RV with Carmen. Angie mentioned shots and Carmen replied with tequila.” Yep, Mom was gone too.
A hand slid up my ink. Unfortunately, it was attached to an arm that was attached to Mandi. Shit, I looked around noticing Suzi and Baily were chatting up the Canadians—really?—and Tori was circling Brett. I guess she was unaware of just how badly Danny would fuck her up. Maybe I should warn her. Naw, where was the fun in that.
Avery was grinning, dancing around, trying to get Tori to notice him. He must’ve thought I’d had a change of heart… not. “Mandi, in case you don’t realize it, I’m here with someone and have no desire to trade down. And if Tori doesn’t stop hitting on my sister’s man, Danny will, with great joy and enthusiasm, take her the… fu… apart, so you and you’re friends need to keep your hands to yourselves.” Mandi exchanged a pissed look with Avery, who looked like I’d just stolen Christmas, and pulled her hand away. I guess she’d thought I was a sure thing.
“Let’s go get our women.” Brett said as a mashup of cartoon theme songs started. Yeah and a snack too; it was going to be a long night.
Girlish giggles tripped down the steps of the RV. The three women were sitting in the built-in kitchen nook with a bottle of—hell yeah, I'll take a shot—Patrón. I let Brett slide in next to my Mom. I really didn't fit inside those things, so I sat facing them on the bench seat that doubled as a sofa. “I could really use a shot.” I shuddered looking at Angie. “You left us at the fem-bots’ mercy.”
She reddened, looking down. “Sorry.” Shit, I was just teasing.
“Ignore him, mija.” Mom glared at me, as if I didn't feel like a heel already. “If he can’t handle those butah’s then I didn’t raise him right.” Uh oh, she was swearing in Spanish, how many shots had they done in the last half hour?
“C’mere, sweetness. I was just teasing.” I lifted her onto my lap, nuzzling her. Mmmmm… Freshly washed hair. “By the way D.D. you may want to watch your back, I told Tori and Mandi you’d kick their asses if they didn’t keep their hands to themselves.”
The Science of Loving Page 12