Margaret and Tyler emerged to find Shade pacing. Tyler ran to her jabbering about the games he played—coloring, building blocks, and dolls.
“He’s a great little boy. And very smart. I’ll type up a report and call you in a few days so we can review everything. I’d suggest getting a sitter when you come back. Do you have any questions?”
“I was hoping to know something today. Should I be worried?”
“Don’t be worried. We’ll talk once I have everything prepared. It’s typical procedure.” Margaret crouched and patted Tyler on the head. “It was nice meeting you, Tyler. Did you have fun today?”
“Yeah!” Tyler said, bouncing up and down.
Shade arrived at Margaret’s office for the follow-up meeting. Despite Margaret’s reassurance, her stomach shifted.
Margaret handed Shade the report. “I’m pleased to tell you Tyler appears to be an extremely well-adjusted boy. Regarding his new living arrangements, he expressed sadness about his losses, but it’s a normal reaction. He exhibits great affection for you, Shade. He seems perfectly content to live with you going forward.”
She heaved a sigh of relief. Her posture softened.
“Regarding Tyler’s relationship with Jaime, I found no evidence Tyler had been abused. In fact, Jaime seemed to be the more responsible, nurturing influence. Perhaps more so than his own mother. He was a father figure to Tyler. Your daughter and Tyler may have had some bonding issues. You and I didn’t talk much about Adeline, but there may have been something preventing her from fulfilling her maternal role. Perhaps Jaime tried to compensate.”
Shade swallowed hard, trying to tame the lump forming in her throat. “Yes, Adeline had problems, but I’d rather not go into it unless it’s necessary.”
“It may be important, but we can talk about that later. Tyler is a special little boy, and I think he’ll adjust well in your care. Raise him as you would your own child, but it’s also important to talk about his mother and Jaime. If he asks questions, keep reaffirming the fact they’re gone. And let Tyler take the lead on these discussions. It’s essential for him you keep their memory alive. You may see oppositional behavior and some developmental regression. Let’s keep an eye on it and see how things go. Do you have questions?”
“I don’t have any questions—at least now. I’m just so relieved. Thank you.”
“Call me any time.” Margaret rose and shook Shade’s hand.
On the drive home, a wave of elation washed over her, anguish sliding in behind. A briny mix poured from her eyes, bathing her face. She pulled into a nearby parking lot, searching for a tissue. Spotting a dirty rag underneath her seat, she wiped her face and blew her nose. When she thought she had pulled herself together, raw emotion came crashing in. Her breathing rapid and shallow. Her heart racing faster. Too fast. The world around her spun. Everything blurred.
With her head in her hands, she pleaded with God. Please help me. I turned away from You. But I was wrong. About everything. About Jaime. His hurt. His pain. I tried playing judge. I’ve made such a mess of things. Oh, dear God, please forgive me. Don’t turn your face from me. I abandoned you, but I want to come back home. Help me raise Tyler to be a good man. To get him settled in life and on his way in this world. I want to make things right and be the mother I should have been to Addy. Grant me that much time, God. Please. Then I’ll do what needs to be done, but just help me raise Tyler.
She sat in her car for over an hour, praying and wrestling with God, until an eerie peace washed over her. Her breathing became measured, her heart settled into its normal rhythm. Her body filled with uncanny calm. A restrained sea, flattened. In that moment, she felt His presence. God heard her. He was with her. Right here. Right now. And He took hold of her soul and led her back. A lost sheep found.
Chapter Ten
And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.
2 Corinthians 9:8
Year 1999
Detective Kent Monroe fingered the Lane/Holder file. It had become a permanent fixture on his desk the last two years. With no new leads the case had gone cold, and he took on other assignments. Immediately after the murders, he felt confident they would solve the case, but each lead led to a dead end. He wasn’t able to bring closure to the grieving mothers.
Kent appeared at Shade’s front door holding a box. “Good evening, Mrs. Lane,” he said, when she opened the door. “I’m sorry to pop in on you, but I wanted to drop off your daughter’s belongings.”
“Come in, Kent. What a nice surprise. Would you like coffee?”
“Sure. I’m sorry it took so long to get these to you. I brought everything I could without compromising the investigation. I found one item hidden under a mattress. Looks like a scrapbook. I wanted to be sure you got it.”
“Thank you,” said Shade, her eyebrows elevating. “I didn’t realize she kept a scrapbook.” She poured two cups of coffee. They moved into the living room.
“So, how are you doing? And how is Tyler doing?”
“Good. Tyler has adjusted to his new home here with me. He’ll be five this September. He starts kindergarten in the fall.”
“That’s great. I’m happy to hear things are working out for you both.” Kent paused as he stared into his coffee. “I want you to know how sorry I am we haven’t been able to break this case. But I’ll continue to do everything I can to help find the killer or killers. I’m on another assignment, but it doesn’t mean I can’t pick it back up again when things slow down, or if we receive new leads.”
“I know you’ve done all you can, and I appreciate it. Do you still feel the murders were drug related?”
“Yes, I do. I just don’t have enough concrete evidence.” He glanced at the toys scattered around. “It must be hard raising your grandson alone. Assuming you are alone?”
Kent hoped it didn’t sound like a come-on. He was rusty. He’d been divorced for five years, and work kept him busy, leaving him little time for a relationship.
She smiled. “Yes, I’m alone. My husband passed away three years ago. It’s just the two of us.”
“I’m sorry,” Kent replied. “You’ve had a lot of grief in your life.”
“Yes,” she said, staring into her coffee. “But I don’t dwell on it. I have a grandson to raise now.”
“He’s lucky to have you. Well, thanks for the coffee. I better get going. I wanted to make sure I brought you the scrapbook.”
Kent stood and moved to the front door. Shade followed to see him out.
He opened the door and turned back, catching her off guard, causing her to stumble backwards to avoid burying her head in his chest. Kent reached out and took hold of her arm.
“You okay?”
“Yes,” she laughed, “I’m fine.” Her face burned crimson.
“Hey, I was wondering if you’d like to go out for dinner sometime?”
“Oh,” Shade stammered, jarred by the unexpected invitation. “Let me think about it. I don’t like leaving Tyler in the evening after working all day.”
Kent smiled. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so forward. I guess I’m a little out of practice with women. If you change your mind, though, call me. Whatever you decide, it won’t affect my commitment to solving this case.”
After Kent left, she thought about accepting his invitation. She felt attracted to him, but she couldn’t allow anyone to get too close. She had to stay guarded and focused on raising Tyler.
She turned to face the box he had brought her. It smelled musty. Burnt plastic mingled with cigarette smoke. She pulled out toys and clothes. So few belongings. As though Addy barely existed. Shade removed the scrapbook from the bottom of the pile and sat at the kitchen table.
Turning the pages, she stopped at several photos and other mementos laid out under the heading, “My Beautiful Family.” Her eyebrows gathered as her fingers touched her parted lips. Photos of Shade and Addy graced the pages�
��Addy as a toddler and up through her early teens. There were hand-written notes under several photos; The prettiest Mom in the world, Me and Mom having a special day together—just the two of us, Mom making cookies—the world’s best baker. Liquid burned in her eyes. She recalled their good years together. Still an open wound.
Turning to a section dedicated to Tyler, she found photos, locks of his hair glued to the pages, a cellophane bag with his first fingernail and toenail clippings, and a section entitled, “Five Things I Love About You,” with blue cut-out hearts pasted across the page. A single sentence was written within each; I Love Your Smile, I Love the Way You Smell, I Love Watching You Chase Butterflies, I Love Hearing You Say Gamma, I Love Watching You Sleep—Curled Up in Jaime’s Arms.
Shade brushed her fingers over the scrapbook, as though stroking her daughter’s face. Emptiness weighed in. She wondered if she ever knew Addy. Concealed beneath her hard-hearted exterior lived a woman who silently loved. Memories she kept tucked away. As though not worthy of anything good.
“Oh Addy,” she cried, “if only things had worked out differently. If only I could have been stronger—your protector. If only you hadn’t left the hospital that night.” She swallowed deep, trying to dilute the pain.
She wrapped the scrapbook in a piece of felt cloth and tucked it away for Tyler. When he was mature enough to appreciate it, she would give it to him.
Mary’s car pulled into the driveway. After Shade received custody of Tyler, Mary had volunteered to babysit so Shade could return to work. The arrangement worked out perfectly. Mary looked after her granddaughter, Leah, so Tyler had a steady playmate.
“Hi, Grandma,” said Tyler, hopping out of the car and running into the house. “Guess what? Leah has a dog. Can I have a dog, Grandma? Please, Grandma.”
Mary followed Tyler into the house, smirking. “Leah’s parents bought her a puppy. A Golden Retriever. I volunteered to take care of the dog when I babysit Leah. I should have warned you.”
Shade smiled and bent to kiss Tyler. “I missed you today.”
“Grandma, I want a dog. I really need a dog.”
“Tyler, we’ll talk about this later.”
“What time later?”
“When I say it’s time. But not now.”
After dinner, she got Tyler ready for bed. His Mediterranean blue eyes followed her every move, awaiting the talk. When she had tucked him in, she pulled out the children’s Bible stories book and read Tyler’s favorite story, Noah’s Ark. “I will make it rain forty days and forty nights. There will be a great flood, but you and your family, and all the animals will be safe in the ark."
“Grandma, did dogs go in the ark?”
“Maybe.”
“I think dogs went into the ark. If God wanted dogs in the ark, he probably wants a dog in our house. Don’t you think, Grandma?”
She sighed, closing the book. “Honey, a dog is a lot of responsibility. I work all day and you’re with Mary. Soon you’ll be starting kindergarten. It’s not good to leave a dog alone.”
“But I can take it to Mary’s. Like Leah does. And I’ll take the dog to school.”
“Dogs aren’t allowed in school. And we can’t ask Mary to watch another dog.” She sighed. “It’s not a good time.” She pulled the covers over him, kissing his forehead. Tyler stared up at her, droplets brimming in his eyes.
The city of Edelweiss thrived. New restaurants, specialty shops, and bed and breakfasts sprouted up along the bustling streets of the small beach town. About a mile from Lake Michigan, summer tourists packed the downtown area, while winter brought in respectable numbers of snow enthusiasts. Business at Bonnie’s Bakery continued to swell.
Shade presented new ideas to Bonnie to help grow the business. Besides baked goods, they now offered an array of soups, using recipes from Shade’s vast collection. The most popular soups on the menu were Chorizo and White Bean, Wild Mushroom with Madeira Wine, and Midwest Cream of Chicken.
Bonnie started to show signs of slowing down. At the end of an especially hectic day, she pulled Shade aside. “Do you have a few minutes?”
“Sure. What’s up?”
“I’ve been giving this a lot of thought lately, so hear me out. There are so many things I want to do in life. Travel, plant a garden, or just do nothing at all. I’ve spent over fifteen years tied to this bakery. It’s time for me to retire. And you’re the ideal candidate to take over. You know this business inside and out, and you’ve done such a great job—coming up with new ideas and increasing sales. I could sell the bakery to you and stay on as a consultant until you’re comfortable running things on your own. I’d make it worth your while. We could work out a payment plan. Maybe even waive payments for a few years until you’re established. It’d be a new opportunity for you. Why don’t you mull it over and let’s talk next week? If you agree, I’d like to make this happen soon.”
“You caught me by surprise,” said Shade. “It sounds like a wonderful opportunity, but I want to pray about it. It’s a big responsibility. Is everything okay with you?”
“Yes. I’m fine, so don’t worry. I’m just ready for the next phase of my life.”
On the drive to Mary’s, the conversation with Bonnie consumed her. The prospect of owning a business thrilled her, but they would have to work out the details. She didn’t want to get in over her head, and she wanted to be sure she preserved enough money for Tyler’s education.
Mary greeted Shade at the door. Tyler ran to meet her, the puppy chasing his heels. “Grandma. Look, it’s Willow.” Shade bent to pet the puppy. Willow jumped on her, urinating on her shoes.
“Is this what they call a golden shower?” Shade asked.
“Willow!” said Mary. “Leah, can you get a towel so we can clean her shoes? I’m so sorry.”
“Bad, Willow,” said Leah, shaking her finger at Willow’s nose.
Tyler joined in, exemplifying the behavior of a responsible pet owner. “Bad, bad, Willow. God doesn’t like it when you pee on people. Grandma, can we stay longer? Leah and me wanna play.”
Mary insisted she stay for coffee. They sat at the kitchen table, and Shade revealed her conversation with Bonnie.
“So, what are you thinking? Do you want to own the bakery?”
“It’s a great opportunity. I understand everything about running the business. The only caveat is the location. It’s a perfect area, but I’d want to live closer. Coincidently, I’ve been planning to move somewhere with a better school system for Tyler, and I know Edelweiss is rated high. I’m sure I could find a decent home there.”
“It sounds wonderful, but it’s a big step.”
After praying, Shade felt led to take over the bakery, and Bonnie was thrilled. They signed the paperwork, working through Bonnie’s attorney, and Shade agreed to keep the current employees, now totaling five. She decided to make Sally supervisor, if she accepted.
The timing couldn’t be better. School would start in a month, allowing her ample time to get Tyler settled and enrolled.
“Tyler, I want to talk to you about some big changes,” said Shade.
“Are we getting a dog?” asked Tyler, his face beaming.
“No. But we’re going to move to a new house. Away from here. And you’re going to start school near the new house. Doesn’t that sound exciting?”
Tyler frowned. “What about Mary? And Leah? And Willow?”
“Mary will still pick you up from school each day.”
“What if Jaime comes back and can’t find us?” asked Tyler, whimpering.
Her breath caught. It had been awhile since Tyler had mentioned his past. “Honey, do you remember when I told you your mom and Jaime wouldn’t be coming back, and they wanted you to live with me?”
“Yeah. Does that mean they won’t try to find us?”
“Yes, honey, they won’t try to find us.”
“But don’t they want to see us?”
She struggled to stop the swell rising in her throat. “Oh, honey, of cour
se they want to see us. But they can’t. Jaime and your mom went to sleep and they won’t wake up again.”
“Well, alright. If they’re not coming back, then let’s move.”
Bonnie turned the bakery over to Shade and stayed on in an advisory role. Shade listed her house with a realtor. She held off looking for a new place until her house sold. In the meantime, Bonnie invited Shade to move in with her until she found something in Edelweiss and suggested she bring Tyler over to look around before accepting.
They made their way down the winding tree-lined driveway leading to Bonnie’s home. She liked the natural setting. Surrounded by birch and pine trees, the gray and white Craftsman style cottage rested on a small bluff overlooking Lake Michigan. Bonnie stepped out onto the large wrap-around porch to greet them.
“Did you have a hard time finding me?”
“No, not at all. It’s gorgeous here.”
Tyler bolted out of the car and ran around the property. “Wow. The water is so big.”
“Well, come in and I’ll give you the tour. This was my parents’ home. I inherited it after they passed.”
Entering the front door, floor to ceiling windows greeted them, flaunting the magnificence of Lake Michigan. A large stone fireplace stood in the main living area, surrounded by weathered hickory plank flooring. The home had 1,800 square-feet of living space with three bedrooms and two baths. The kitchen was a professional cook’s dream, outfitted with high-end appliances, plenty of counter space and a large kitchen island. Out back, the deck spanned the entire length of the house. Steps descended from the deck to the white sand beach.
The Essence of Shade Page 9