by TJ Klune
“Um,” Jerome said, shifting from foot to foot. “Okay. I can explain.”
“Please do.”
Jerome swallowed thickly. “They… told us. That. They were Darks. Right? And that they were blacksmiths hawking their wares? And had designed the armor themselves. And that it was the latest thing in Dark fashion.”
“And you fell for it.”
“I didn’t fall for it,” Jerome said, wiping sweat from his brow.
“You put in an order for four sets,” another Dark said. “Not that you would know anything about Dark fashion, seeing as how you dress like a homeless hooker addicted to mushrooms.”
“I did not order four sets!”
“I was literally standing right there when you said it.”
Another Dark groaned. “Oh, here we go again. I thought we’d gotten over you using that word! Why do you insist upon saying it all the time.”
Godsdammit. Not these fucking assholes again. I wanted make their nipples explode.
“I literally don’t do that. In fact, I resent the implication that—”
“Maybe if you had eaten breakfast today, you could have—”
“You know how I feel about breakfast! Why do you keep trying to change me—”
“Enough,” Caleb snapped.
“Eep,” all the other Darks said.
Caleb took a step toward Brant and Katya. “I am done with this. Your time has come. I thank you for your service. Because in the end, you will be an example for the rest of the Resistance. Morgan of Shadows is gone. Randall is gone. Sam of Wilds is gone. They are nothing but memories of a Veranian past. And soon, even that will fade. I promise you.”
“He’ll stop you,” Katya said, still rebellious. “Maybe not with us, not now, but he’ll stop you. Myrin will fail. I know this. I know this because I believe in Sam of Wilds.”
My magic sang.
I gathered it around me. The greens. The golds.
It felt like coming home.
Caleb grinned. “Let him come. We’ll be waiting.”
He raised the sword.
Brant turned and pulled Katya against him, shielding her. “Close your eyes,” I heard him murmur as my blood began to hum just underneath my skin. “We’ll cross the veil together. It’ll be okay. Just close your eyes.”
She trembled.
It was about that time that I’d had enough.
Because fuck Caleb right in his fat fucking mouth.
I stood up.
And said, “Looks like we’ve got ourselves a real pretty pickle of a situation here, don’t we?”
Everyone turned to me.
“Godsdammit,” I groaned, knowing the hood hid my face. “Okay, look. Can I try that again? I don’t know why I said pickle out of all things. Like, I’ve been sitting here almost this whole time, and I could have come up with something different. Because pickles are disgusting—which is strange, because I like cucumbers. Like, why is that a thing? Regardless, I don’t know why I used it like that. Pretty pickle, even. I’m a little rusty at the whole talking to other people thing, so you’ll have to forgive me.”
Everyone stared at me.
“All right,” I said. “Let’s try that again. Okay, so, you fucktard villains were all like, argh, I’m gonna monologue and say stupid things about stuff, and then Katya and Brant were all like, Sam of Wilds will come save us because he’s so cool and handsome and everyone thinks so and I like his hair and his face and the way he waltzes.”
“I didn’t say that,” Katya said. “Any of that, really.”
“Um, pretty sure that’s what you were implying. And I mean, it’s true, obviously. Sam of Wilds is cool and handsome and has a great face and hair and does a mean waltz. Also, he is a very generous lover.”
“I wouldn’t know anything about that,” Katya said. “I don’t know that I’d want to know that. He’s a little… I don’t know. Skinny? For my tastes. I like them thicker.”
“You like them what?” Brant asked, sounding outraged. “You are sixteen years old. You are not allowed to like anyone.”
Katya rolled her eyes. “Oh gee, you’re right. I don’t know why I thought otherwise. I’m so glad I have my big brother here to point out that I am incapable of having my own thoughts. Whatever would I do without you.”
“Holy fucking sass master,” I breathed.
“What?” Caleb said, frowning.
I coughed. “Uh. Nothing. Nothing. Okay. So, we’re doing this again. Villains, blah, blah, blah, Katya and Brant, Sam of Wilds is amazing and wonderful and has super cool knuckles—”
“Literally none of that happened,” one of the Darks said.
“It’s like you’re doing it on purpose,” another Dark muttered.
“—and here we are now, with Caleb holding his sword up, getting ready to hack innocent people to death and—Caleb? Can you… can you hold the sword up again? You’re not doing it right, and it’s really annoying.”
“Who are you?” Caleb asked, eyes narrowed.
“Your worst nightmare,” I said. “Which! Is not the line I want to use, so hold up the godsdamn sword.”
He raised the sword above Brant and Katya.
“Epic!” I said, popping my neck and wiggling the stress from my shoulders. “Now we’re talking. Okay, Katya, I need you to say what you said again. About the whole believing in Sam of Wilds thing.”
She frowned at me. “Um. Okay? I believe in Sam of Wilds.”
“Wow. You didn’t sound like you meant that at all.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
“You need to sell it. Pretend your life is in mortal peril here!”
“It is,” Caleb said. “I’m about to stab them.”
“Right. Katya, come on! You’re about to get stabbed.”
“What the hell is this?” Brant asked.
“Oh no!” Katya said, sounding like the world’s most terrible actress. “My life is in mortal peril because of the stabbing. I believe in Sam of Wilds!”
“Better,” I said. “I’ll have some notes on your performance, but we can talk about that later. But as a teaser, you came off wooden and unbelievable, and I wouldn’t cast you in any play I’d put on for a summer theater. Caleb, your final threat?”
“I am going to… kill? Them?”
I squared my shoulders as a gust of wind blew over me, causing my cloak to billow around me. “Oh my fucking gods,” I whispered. “I look so cool. C’mon, Sam. Dazzle them with an awesome catchphrase.” I cleared my throat and raised my voice. “Well now, what do we have here? It seems as if we’re in a pretty pickle of a—godsdammit!”
“Enough,” Caleb snarled. And he heaved the sword down toward Brant and Katya.
One moment I was standing near the tree line, and the next I was crouched in front of Brant and Katya, forearm raised, the sword smashing into it with a loud thock! I gritted my teeth against the vibrations down my arm.
The Darks took a step back in unison.
Caleb stared down at me with wide eyes.
I grinned at him, even though he couldn’t see it. “Hey. Hi. How are you? Gauntlet, wouldn’t you know. Made of dragon scales. A gift.”
“How did you—”
“Get here in front of you in the blink of an eye? Here’s a hint: magic.”
He nodded, drawing the sword away, squaring his shoulders. “You’re going to regret the intrusion. Whoever you are.”
I stood up slowly. “I haven’t decided yet.”
He squinted at me. “Decided what?”
“If you’re gonna walk away from this. Oooh. Holy shit. I just gave myself chills.” I glanced back at Brant and Katya. “Did you guys get chills? Because I did.”
They both shook their heads, then seem to change their minds before nodding.
I frowned. “Well, this is awkward.”
“Get him,” Caleb snarled.
The Darks raised their hands, and their magic began to gather, wild and untamed. Lightning crackled from the Darks I’d met long ago
on the road, crawling along their fingertips, and I almost laughed at them.
Instead I said, “Flora Bora Slam, mothercrackers.” I barely had to push.
There was a sharp crack before a hush fell over the cliffside.
“Huh,” I said. “That was easier than I thought it would be. I’m so good at this.”
Caleb turned slowly to look behind him.
Four stone statues stood there, hands raised, fingers spread wide.
“Can’t argue with the classics,” I told him. “So, wanna surrender, or should we do this the fun way?”
The sword fell from his hand, sticking upright in the soft earth. “You’re good,” he said quietly. “But unfortunately for you, I’m better. I will deal with you myself.”
“The fun way, then. I’m down with—”
He moved then, almost quicker than I could follow, hands coming up, twitching dangerously. There was a rush of a magic, a sick and infected yellow, knocking into my chest and trying to wrap around my heart. I was lifted off my feet and flew up and over Caleb and the stone Darks, then landed on my back on the other side of them. Katya cried out near the cliff, but I didn’t have time to focus on them. Caleb was stronger than I expected him to be. I underestimated him.
I wouldn’t make that mistake again.
I tilted my head back in time to see the statues of the Darks begin to break apart under Caleb’s magic. It shouldn’t have surprised me as much as it did that he was sacrificing his own men. I’d heard the stories, of course, from Dimitri, about how the Darks had descended upon Verania, but nothing they had done so far had matched this level of brutality. I had never been turned to stone before, so I didn’t know what it felt like. I almost hoped the stone Darks weren’t aware of being broken apart.
I pushed myself up off the ground as the last bits of the statues broke apart and spun lazily around Caleb.
“Okay, I can admit, that looks pretty cool,” I said. “It’s kinda hard-core for my tastes, though. I mean, those are chunks of people, dude. I could have totally turned them back.”
Caleb’s eyes narrowed. “Do I know you from somewhere? You sound familiar.”
“We’ll get to that in just a moment. First, I need to—oh, that was a distraction.”
Caleb was moving even before I finished speaking. I didn’t have time to think, much less come up with a counterspell. The stones slammed into me, starting with my feet and legs, wrapping themselves around me, fusing in place. They rose up my legs, past my knees to my thighs and hips. They hit my hands and arms, my stomach and chest, and my heart beat thunderously as the stones rose to my shoulders and neck.
“No,” Katya whispered behind him. Then, “Stop it! Leave him alone!” Brant held her back as she tried to rush Caleb.
“Any last words before you suffocate to death buried in rock?” Caleb asked me, a twisted smile on his face.
“Yeah,” I said, submerging myself in gold and green. “You shouldn’t have betrayed me.”
The skin under Caleb’s eyes twitched.
And then I detonated.
The lightning burst out of my heart, crawling along the treelike scars on my skin until I was completely electrified. The rock around me begin to split and crack until it shattered into so much dust and filtered to the forest floor. I took a step forward.
Caleb came after me. I had to hand it to him—his tenacity was truly impressive, especially in the face of such long odds.
But I’d spent nearly a year in this forest, deep in the wild. I knew its secrets, the way the trees whispered in the wind, their leaves and limbs rattling together like bones. I knew the ground beneath my feet and the canopy above.
I was part of the Dark Woods now.
I felt Caleb’s infection hurtle toward me. It was time for a demonstration.
He got maybe three or four steps before I raised my own hands in response.
He barely faltered.
That was fine.
He would see what I was capable of.
A branch from a large oak tree whipped down and wrapped around his left arm, jerking him to a halt.
His mouth dropped open.
Vines burst through the ground beneath his feet, wrapping around his legs, forcing him to his knees.
Another tree limb—maple, this time—snaked around his other arm, holding him in place.
It was over in seconds.
I barely had to move.
I breathed with the forest.
Caleb struggled against his bindings, glaring up at me. “That level of magic isn’t possible,” he snapped. “We would know if something like this existed. How are you doing this? Where do you come from? Who are you?”
Oh my gods. This was going to be so rad. I had to get it just right.
I took a step toward him. “All interesting questions. I can do this because of what my mentors have taught me, all three of them. I come from the Dark Woods to bring an end to you and yours. And as for who I am, well. That’s the best thing of all.” I reached up and slid the hood from my head. The exact second he recognized me was probably one of the top three moments of my life. I grinned rakishly at him. “I’m Sam of Dragons.”
And, just like we’d practiced, the dragons of Verania arrived.
First, a serpentine red creature burst through the clouds, landed behind Katya and Brant, and coiled his body underneath him, wings flapping furiously at his sides. “Rawr,” Zero Ravyn Moonfire said. “Which is so freaking lame. I didn’t even want to do this. I was in the middle of writing a poem lamenting my black soul, which no one understands.”
Godsdammit.
Two blue-and-white dragons came next, landing on either side of Katya and Brant, the ground shaking beneath us. Their feathers rattled as they stretched their wings, eyes flashing. “Oh dear,” Leslie said. “Zero, you know I told you that I would help you with your poetry.”
“You wanted to write about bunnies.”
“I do love them,” Leslie agreed. “Also, bunny rhymes with funny and sunny and honey, all the things sweet and lovely and—”
“You can’t write about the lamentations of my soul with sweet and lovely!”
“And I told you that poetry was not a sustainable skill,” Pat growled. “You need to do something that actually contributes to society. Like woodworking.”
“You old dyke,” Leslie said, sounding unbearably fond.
Godsdammit.
“Ta-daaaaaaaaaaaaa!” Kevin shouted as he landed behind Caleb. “’Tis I! The Beast from the East. Lord Dragon of the Dark Woods. I have returned to rule over my subjects so that they may cover me in their golden showers.”
“That’s so gross,” Zero moaned. “Why do you say things like that? Adults are the worst.”
“I meant their shinies and pretties, little bro! Not their urine. I am not into piss play. Sam! Sam. Tell my little brother I don’t like being urinated on. Well, not that I’ve actually tried it, so I can’t say for sure. Never mind, Sam. Don’t tell him anything yet. I must further explore my kinks before I can say one way or another.”
Godsdammit.
And then he came, like a moon crashing into the earth. He dwarfed everything else.
“GW,” I said.
“I told you never to call me that,” the Great White rumbled, trees crashing down as he landed upon them. “It’s demeaning, and I will not stand for it.”
“I will not stand for it,” I mocked under my breath.
Caleb’s eyes bulged.
“You guys all suck,” I told the dragons of Verania. “We practiced this entrance. For weeks. The least you could do is all roar in unison so we can salvage this atrocity.”
“Meow,” Leslie said, lips twitching.
“I hate you guys so fucking much.”
“Hey!” Kevin said. “What about me?”
“Don’t even get me started on—”
“Dragons,” GW growled. “Roar.”
Kevin’s eyes shifted black. Leslie’s and Pat’s turned blue. Zero’s bur
ned red. GW’s went opaque.
And I felt each of them pulsing in my head.
They roared then.
“Yessss,” I hissed. “This. Is. Awesome.”
As the sound echoed through the forest, I crouched down in front of Caleb. “I’ve dreamed of this moment for almost a year,” I told him quietly. “For the part you played. You. Me. Face-to-face. I could use Brant’s sword. Push it through your chest. Make you feel every inch of it. And maybe I will. Someday. But first I need you to deliver a message. Can you do that?”
He nodded slowly.
“Good. Here it is: I have returned. And I will take Verania back for its people. You tell Myrin… you tell him that I will come for him. That I will come for all of you. I have accepted my destiny, much like he has accepted his. These paths we’re on—even if they were set in stone, he would do well to remember that stone crumbles. He has taken from me. And I aim to take everything from him. Now go. Before I change my mind.”
I arched an eyebrow, and the tree limbs and roots unfurled from his body. He scrambled to his feet, taking a step back, bumping into Kevin’s leg. Kevin craned his neck down until he was face-to-face with Caleb, spikes on the back of his neck rattling. “Are you sure I can’t eat him?” Kevin growled. “Like mother, like son.”
Caleb’s face paled.
“Wow,” I breathed. “That was hard-core. I approve. Of what you said, not the eating thing.”
“But someday?”
“Possibly. Maybe I’ll help too.”
“Ooh, cannibalism. I can dig it. You hear that, traitor? My boy is gonna eat your toes.”
Caleb took off running into the woods.
“That went well,” I announced as soon as his footsteps had fallen away. “I do have some notes, as I indicated previously. Dragons, you all suck. It’s like you remembered absolutely nothing about what we practiced. I’m embarrassed by all of you. I’m giving every consideration to firing all of you.”
They all began to protest immediately. Well, all except for GW. He looked like he wished we had all never existed.
“Yeah, yeah,” I said, waving their complaints away. “Maybe if you had learned your lines. And Katya!” I turned toward the people standing behind me. Both had removed their masks, and I could see the resemblance now. They had fiery red hair, Brant’s cut short and Katya’s pulled back into a loose ponytail. Their faces were an explosion of endearing freckles. And both were extraordinarily pale, eyes wide, as if they’d seen a ghost. Which was ridiculous, of course, because ghosts didn’t exist. “Have you ever thought about being an actress?”