by TJ Klune
“You don’t smell like sunshine and roses yourself, pretty,” Kevin snarked at me. “You’ve been living in the woods for a year. I’m pretty sure your eyebrows are starting to rival Randall’s.”
“What are we waiting for?” I demanded to Brant and Katya. “I need to pluck before I attempt to woo back my beloved! Lead the way, you cretins!”
“This is going to be a nightmare,” Brant muttered. “Are you sure we have to tell everyone we found them? Maybe we can just act like we’re arriving at the same time.”
“We might as well get this over with,” Katya said, patting her brother on the arm. “I mean, how bad could it possibly be?”
ALARMS STARTED ringing as soon we approached the gates.
Guards along the walkways on the walls around the Port began to shout and scramble, pulling their weapons.
Someone shot an arrow at us.
It bounced off Kevin’s scales and fell to the ground.
“Huh,” Kevin said, looking down at it. “I do believe someone just tried to kill me. Permission to destroy everything?”
“Permission denied. For now. Wait until we get closer to see who did it. If it was Lady Tina, then you have my permission. If it wasn’t, we’ll renegotiate depending on who it was. I have a feeling I dislike many people here already.”
“Understood. Also, you are very sexy when you take charge.”
“Fuck off.”
“Copy that.”
Katya and Brant were shouting something up at the guards, but I wasn’t paying any mind, because I thought I recognized one of the men standing above us. He was wearing an ill-fitting uniform and clutching a spear like his life depended on it, his ears sticking out adorably. I knew those ears.
“Todd?”
“Sam?” he squeaked, staring down at me, eyes wide. “Holy shit, is that Sam of Wilds?”
Everyone fell silent almost immediately.
I grinned up at him. “Dude! Look at you! Being all manly and awesome. Have you stabbed anyone with that thing?”
“Of course not!”
“Oh. Wow. That’s… strangely disappointing.”
“Where the hell have you been!”
I cocked my head. “In the woods. With this guy.”
Kevin grinned at him. He had many, many teeth.
The guards didn’t seem to like that very much.
“How do we know you’re the real Sam of Wilds?” a man next to Todd shouted down. “You could be a fake! And that dragon could be… fake. Also.”
“Todd knows I’m not a fake,” I said, winking at him. “Don’t you, Todd?”
He sputtered. His ears turned a little red. I wanted to pinch them.
“Still as charming as ever,” I said.
“Are you—are you flirting with me?”
“What? No! I mean, I’ve got my boo and all. But if he’s left me for Justin or some other floozy—not that Justin is a floozy or anything, because best friend 5eva—but if he’s left me for my best friend 5eva, then I will probably break down emotionally and need someone to lean on, and in a moment of weakness, we might accidentally have pity sex that we’ll both regret. The next morning we’ll wake up and I’ll offer to make you pancakes, even though I want nothing more than for you to leave and you’ll say, ‘Sure, I love pancakes!’ because you won’t get the hint. And then I’ll say, ‘I’m not making you pancakes, get out.’ And then years down the road, we’ll pass each other on the street and wave awkwardly at each other and you’ll think about how awesome my deep-throating skills are and I’ll think about how I’m late for an important business meeting—because apparently I have business meetings in this weird fantasy of yours—and then we’ll go our separate ways.”
Everyone was staring at me.
“Sorry,” I said hastily. “I haven’t had a lot of human interaction in a very long time. I’m a little rusty. I also might have forgotten about societal norms. Do we make sexually aggressive remarks now, or is that just a dragon thing?”
“I’ve trained him so well,” Kevin said fondly.
“That’s Sam of Wilds,” Todd sighed. “I would know that nonsense anywhere.”
“Ooh, acting familiar, are we? Todd, you saucy minx—oh look, the gates are opening. About damn time.”
And they were. With a great groan, the gates parted to reveal—
A group of heavily armed women.
All of whom squealed when they saw me.
Well, most of them did.
And I would have recognized them anywhere. Especially since I had infiltrated thirty-two of their meetings dressed as a bearded man named Mervin.
Deirdre.
Wanda.
Mary.
Crissy.
Nicole.
Courtney.
Griselda.
The ladies of the Ryan Foxheart Fan Club Castle Lockes Chapter.
And at their center, the only nonsquealing one of them, stood Lady Tina DeSilva, dressed as if she were some kind of warrior princess, sword gripped firmly in her hand, her blonde hair curled in ringlets.
She narrowed her eyes at the sight of me.
“Vengeance,” I hissed.
II: The Port
Chapter 3: Camp HaveHeart
BUT BEFORE I could smite her where she stood, Deirdre, who looked as tiny as she had the last time I’d seen her a couple of years ago, burst into tears. “Oh my g-g-gods,” she sobbed. “He’s h-h-here. I’m going to throw up all over everything.”
“There, there,” Mary said, patting her arm. “You know what happens when you get the crying vomits. You did that last week when the Knight Commander waved at you, remember? We don’t want to have to go through that again. It was a nightmare.”
“I’ve killed people,” Nicole breathed. “But the rush I feel right now makes that feel like nothing in comparison. Someone should hold me back before I launch myself at him and touch his mouth with my mouth and whisper things in his ear no proper lady should ever say aloud.”
“That might be the best idea ever,” Griselda said. “Sam did say he’s missed the touch of another human, and might do things to you that you’ve only dreamed about. Someone hold me back too before I test my theory all over his body.”
“Oh, you don’t even want to know my dreams,” Crissy said, flushing brightly. “My husband woke me up once and said that I was writhing as if I was in pain, and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I was in the throes of a DP session with Sam and his mirror twin, Mas, because I don’t have any problems with twincest, if you know what I mean.”
“What the hell is DP?” Courtney demanded. “I want that too! My dreams are always so boring, with my four-ways with Sam and Ryan and Justin. Why can’t I have twincest DP?”
“It means double penetration,” Wanda said, leering at me in a way that I would not have expected from an older lady such as herself. “Stuffed like a turkey at the holidays.”
“I-I’m only f-f-fourteen,” Deirdre hiccupped. “I didn’t know y-you could stick it in more places!”
“Oh, that’s not even the half of it,” Nicole said. “You got your front door, your back door, your mouth, and your ears. Why, get three guys and two fairies, and you won’t even be able to breathe.” She frowned. “Well, you would, because of your nose, which you probably shouldn’t put anything in there, given that you would die.”
“Who are these glorious creatures?” Kevin whispered. “I want to hug them close and have them whisper their dirty secrets in my ear.”
“He looks so scruffy,” Crissy said, eyeing me up and down. “Like in that one real person fan fiction I wrote, remember? When he was attacked and had amnesia and became a bad boy who wore leather and Ryan had to make him fall in love with him all over again.”
“Is that the one where Ryan told him that Sam’s heart would show him the way home and that they would make new memories if he couldn’t recover the old?” Griselda asked, eyelids fluttering. “Because I swear to the gods, when you read that line, I was moist.”
“Okay,” Kevin said. “Maybe I don’t want to be friends with them now.”
“I’m not a girl,” Deirdre cried. “But I’m not yet a woman either. Why am I tingling?”
“Isn’t that a song lyric?” Wanda frowned. “From that singer that was cute, and then she went crazy, and then was not crazy and still manages to wear costumes that show off a body I will never have?”
“Probably,” Mary said. “But the kids these days listen to the strangest things.”
“Ladies!” Tina barked. “Attention!”
It was like she had flipped a switch. They snapped their feet together, spines rigid, arms at their sides, chins up. Even Deirdre managed to stop her sniffling, her face wet but eyes determined. Lady Tina stared at me for a moment longer before she turned to the others and walked in front of them, pacing side to side. A crowd began to gather behind them, eyes wide, their whispers sounding like wind over grass as the people pointed at Kevin and myself.
“Who are we?” Tina demanded.
“The Foxy Lady Brigade!” the women shouted back.
“And what is our main objective!”
“To preserve and protect the rights of the people of Verania!”
“And how do we do that?”
“By identifying threats against the Crown and its citizens, cataloguing their weaknesses, and then eliminating them.”
“And why do we do it?”
“Because we contribute to the safety of Verania.”
“In whose name?”
“In the name of the King of Verania, the Prince of Verania, of Morgan of Shadows, of Randall, and of Sam of Wilds!”
My eyes bulged.
“And when will we stop?”
“Never!” they bawled.
“At rest!”
They stood, feet apart, elbows bent, hands clasped behind them. Tina stood in front of each of them, one at a time, like she was inspecting them. She would fix a collar or straighten a scabbard, muttering words I couldn’t quite make out. The ladies didn’t react, eyes straight forward, barely even blinking.
Once she’d finished with the last one, Lady Tina DeSilva turned to me. She had a determined expression on her face. The crowd behind her had gathered in the hundreds, and it seemed as if all of them were holding their breaths, waiting to see what was going to happen next.
I almost felt bad that I was going to explode her in front of everyone.
“Sam of Wilds,” Lady Tina said, voice even. “How lovely it is to see you again.”
“I’m sure it is,” I said, just as smooth. “I wish I could say the same. So I will. How lovely it must be for you to see me again.”
The skin under her left eye twitched. “We have been awaiting your return with something akin to antici… pation.”
“Really,” I said. “I had understood that those that experience anticipation are capable of such things because they have a soul. Tell me, Lady Tina. How is it that you can anticipate anything when you are nothing but an empty husk of a human shell?”
“Ooh,” the crowd said.
“I’ve been waiting all year for this moment!” someone cried rather hysterically. “So far I’m not disappointed!”
Now the skin under her right eye was twitching too. “You’ve been gone a long time, Sam of Wilds. Things have changed.”
“Right, I noticed. Especially here at what used to be called the Port. What has it been renamed to? Katya! Oh dearest Katya. What did you say this place was called?”
“Camp HaveHeart,” she supplied helpfully. I liked her.
“That’s right,” I crowed. “Camp HaveHeart. Lady Tina, what was your opinion on HaveHeart again? I seem to have forgotten.”
She was grinding her teeth together. “It is a stable and loving relationship that should be looked upon with reverence.”
“Aha! See? She is nothing but wicked and—wait. What.”
“I love HaveHeart,” she said, and suddenly she stopped twitching altogether and began to smile. It was a terrible thing, filled with a candy-sweet malice that I was sure no one could see but me. “In fact, one could say I’m the biggest HaveHeart fan there is.”
I sputtered a little.
Her smile widened.
“You she-witch,” I growled, taking a step toward her. “I know what you’re doing. Mark my words, you shall face my wrath.”
“But, Sam,” Lady Tina said, voice sticky sweet, “I don’t know what our Prince and Knight Commander would do without me. I am their second, after all.”
“Ahh,” the crowd said.
We were now almost toe to toe.
She smelled like flowery perfume.
And evil.
“I don’t know your game here,” I snarled at her quietly. “But trust me when I say I’ll figure it out. And when I do, you shall rue the day you set eyes upon me. You hear me? So. Much. Ruing.”
“Oh, Sam,” she said, eyes blazing. “There is no game. I’ve changed. I’m a different person now, one who has seen the error of her ways. You haven’t been around to see my transformation. Where I was once a beautiful caterpillar, I have now been transformed into a magnificent butterfly capable of dealing death.”
“Well, I’m a—wait. Hold on. Butterflies can’t kill people. That’s just stupid. You’re dumb. Everything about you is dumb.”
“Oh my gods,” a woman in the crowd moaned. “The sexual tension is so palpable. Why can’t they just kiss already? SilvaHeart for life!”
“Ew,” Tina and I both said at the same time.
“Like I would ever,” I snapped.
“Have you seen him?” she growled. “He’s so… not attractive. And at least I seem to the only one out of the two of us to understand basic hygiene.”
“I told you I’ve been living in the woods. In a hut.”
“Ooh, bully for you. The great Sam of Wilds has—”
“Sam of Dragons, actually.”
The crowd gasped dramatically.
“Still not disappointed!” that first voice called out again. “In fact, I am so far from disappointed, it’s ridiculous!”
Tina’s expression faltered as she took a step back. There was a flicker of fear on her face, and I relished it.
“Oh, you hadn’t heard,” I said. “Funny, that.” I puffed out my chest and jutted my chin. “I was tasked by the gods with a destiny. I have met that task with no complaints—”
“Well, that’s certainly not true in the slightest,” Kevin said mildly.
“—with no complaints, and have collected the dragons of Verania. And as I entered—”
“Of which I am one!” Kevin proclaimed. “Lord Dragon has returned. You may bestoweth upon me all of your possessions in gratitude. So spaketh the Beast from the East. Eth!”
“Would you stop interrupting me? I’m trying to be cool here.”
“Key word trying,” Kevin muttered under his breath.
“What was that?”
“Nothing, nothing. Keep going. You’re really doing well.”
“Thank you.”
“For an insignificant speck of dust.”
“Hey!”
“Someone has to keep your ego in check.”
“Dammit, now I forgot what I was saying.”
“You were trying to be cool.”
“Right. Right. I went into the woods as Sam of Wilds, a wizard’s apprentice. And now I have returned as Sam of Dragons, a wizard!” I frowned. “Without the apprentice part, in case that wasn’t clear. Like, full-on wizard now. It’s all Wizard City up in this bitch.”
Someone started to slow-clap in the audience. A few people followed.
“I’m not done. You can’t just slow-clap to start applause before I finish! Gods, do you not understand the etiquette of the slow clap?”
“My bad!”
“Thank you. Okay. So. I’m a wizard. Here to kick some ass and take some names. Spread the word far and wide! Sam of Dragons has returned!” I smiled and waited.
Silence.
“Dude, now is a good time to start that slow clap.”
“Oh, sorry.” He started slow-clapping again. Probably six other people joined in.
“We should go back into the woods,” I muttered.
“We can always—”
Todd burst out of the crowd, stumbling to a stop, feet skidding in the dirt. He fumbled with his spear and almost ending up stabbing himself through the chest. It really was rather adorable when his ears turned a bit pink at the tips.
“Holy jeez,” he said, breathing heavily. “You came back!”
“Uh, yes? Was there any doubt?”
He stared at me incredulously. “Sam, no one knew where you’d gone. Everyone thought you ran away!”
“What? I didn’t run away.” I glared at the crowd. “I went on a quest. To be awesome. And guess what? It worked.”
“It did?” he asked dubiously. “Because you look like the homeless guy who kept coming into my dad’s hotel to urinate in the fountain.”
“Wow. That is not the look I was going for. I don’t know if I think your ears are endearing anymore.”
“Is he hitting on Todd?” Nicole whispered to Crissy. “What would their ship name be? I need to know so I can ship them if they start licking each other.”
Crissy frowned. “Well, I don’t know Todd’s last name, so shipping etiquette says that we have to combine both their first names. So. Sam. Todd. That would be… Sadd. Their ship name is Sadd.”
“That’s depressing,” Courtney said. “I can’t imagine masturbating to Sadd.”
“Courtney!” Lady Tina barked. “Put your slut away right now.”
“Well, it’s true,” Courtney muttered.
“I’ve never even masturbated,” Deirdre cried. “My grandmother told me I would get hair on my palms and I could get stuck in there and die!”