by TJ Klune
“Hey!”
“—your focus should be on me. But given the gravitas with which I carry myself, I doubt you’ll have much issue with that!” He chuckled heartily. No one else did. “Anyway, hold your rapturous applause until the end, and I will be signing autographs for four minutes afterward. If you come to me at minute five, Tiggy will kill you.”
Tiggy grinned. “Kill you so hard.”
“Now, as soon as Sam finishes the one simple task I gave him at which he seems to be failing spectacularly, we will begin the story known as Gary’s Requiem: A Story of Heartbreak, Redemption, and Being Fabulous. Music and lyrics by Gary. Playbook by Gary. Costume design by Gary.”
Music and lyrics, Ryan mouthed to no one in particular.
“Got it!” I crowed. “One fake horn attached to a string, just like you asked.”
“Hmm,” Gary said, inspecting my work. “And what string is this?”
“It’s my dad’s hair,” I admitted.
“I support the arts,” Dad said.
Gary blushed but tried to act like he wasn’t affected. “Right. Glad you could do the minimal amount of work required. Congratulations, Sam.”
I rolled my eyes as I slid it on his head and tied the hair underneath his chin.
“How do I look?” he whispered.
“Completely stupid,” I whispered back as I kissed him on the cheek. “Break a leg, you dick.”
“Quiet please,” Kevin said, sounding completely enraptured. “If we could please have quiet! My beloved is ready to begin. If you have a summoning crystal, we ask that you turn it off so as to not disrupt the show. And please, no drawing pictures of the performance. We’ll have signed programs at the end for sale at an exorbitant price that you will purchase to fund Gary’s scarf collection, because his mane is precious and must be protected at all cost.”
And then Gary took center stage.
(Which was just the middle of the tent in the dirt, so.)
Chapter 7: Gary’s Requiem: A Story of Heartbreak, Redemption, and Being Fabulous
JUST LIKE we’d practiced, Tiggy put the spotlight directly on Gary, who stood stock-still, posing with his chest puffed out, head thrown back. He looked like one of the horses children rode on carousels when the carnivals came to the City of Lockes during the summer, though telling him as much would probably result in my death. He was magnificent, however, the light catching him just right, and for a moment I allowed myself to take in one of my best friends in his full glory, before resigning myself to the shenanigans that would follow.
“This is ridiculous,” I heard Lady Tina mutter before she was hushed by at least one dragon and three humans.
While I waited in the corner for my cue, I raised my hand to my face, thumb on one cheek, four fingers on the other. I stroked downward, and a beard sprouted underneath my touch, growing long and full until it curled against my chest. We didn’t have time for the costumes Gary had made (if they hadn’t been destroyed in the fall of Castle Lockes), and I wanted to give him as much as I could to make up for everything. I felt a bittersweet pang in my chest, hearing Morgan say that shaping magic was a frivolous thing, nothing more than a parlor trick. He’d probably be irritated that I’d even do such a thing, but I thought he’d be proud at how full my beard looked. He’d been complex like that.
And then Gary’s Requiem began.
“Once upon a time,” Tiggy recited dutifully, “there was pretty Gary. He was pretty, and Tiggy love him. Gary the best unicorn. Everyone thought so. One day Gary went to woods to pick flowers because Gary liked flowers. I also like flowers. And potatoes. And raccoons.” His face scrunched up. “And brooms.”
“Tiggy,” Gary hissed, still posing, barely moving his mouth. “Stick to your lines.”
“Hi, Gary!”
“Hi, Tiggy.”
“Okay,” Tiggy rumbled. “Gary in woods. Picking flowers. It was sunny. Very nice. Tiggy likes it when Gary in the sun. He is warm. Makes me feel good.”
“I am so going to squish your face when this is over,” I muttered under my breath.
“Tra-la-la!” Gary said loudly as he started to prance, paper horn slipping a little. “I am here in the woods, all by myself, looking for flowers. It is a wonderful day, and I am young and hung and very beautiful.”
“I think the realism of this is my favorite part,” Kevin whispered to my dad. “It feels as if I know just how hung he is.”
“I wish I hadn’t heard you say that,” Dad whispered back.
“Ooh,” Gary said. “Look! ’Tis a lilac! My favorite. I shall pick it and take it with me back to my home, where it will eventually be placed into my mane and everyone will tell me how amazing I look and—” He took a stuttering step forward.
Kevin and Tiggy gasped loudly.
Terry rolled his eyes.
I didn’t like Terry very much.
“What is this?” Gary asked, voice trembling. “Why do I feel so weak? What has happened to me? I cannot move my legs or my body. Have you betrayed me, lilac? How dare you!” His eyelashes fluttered as he looked as if he was going to faint. He took another step forward, and right before he was about to fall, he froze again.
“Poor Gary,” Tiggy the narrator continued monotonously. “He didn’t know he been poisoned. Really, really sad. Flower was not a nice flower. It a trap.”
“I knew it,” Kevin whispered fervently. “I knew it was a trap!”
“Yeah,” Tiggy said. “A trap. Oh no. Gary in trouble. What Gary not know is that there was bad guy following him. In the shadows. A villain.”
My cue! How glorious!
“Muahahahaaa,” I said as deeply as I could, still standing out of the light in the corner of the tent. “My evil plan of evil is working.”
Ryan sounded like he was choking. I hoped he was all right.
“This not good for Gary,” Tiggy said. “He couldn’t move. It super sad.”
“I can’t move!” Gary wailed. “I am a unicorn, a being of pure light and sunshine and rainbows who children adore even though I usually don’t like them because they are sticky and stupid and I wouldn’t be sad if they all went away. But oh no! This plight I have found myself in is certainly not good!”
“Not good at all,” Tiggy said.
“Or is it the best,” I growled. “Because I am a villain, and I plan on showing you my villainous ways.”
“Oooh,” Kevin whispered. “It’s one of those sexy shows.”
“Bum,” Tiggy sang. “Bum, bum bu-bum.”
“I am really saaaaaad,” Gary trilled, picking up the tune.
“And I am really baaaad,” I warbled.
“Hark!” Gary cried. “Who goes there! And what have you done to me!”
I stepped out from the corner, stalking slowly toward Gary. “’Tis I, a villain!”
“Holy realistic beard,” Ryan breathed.
“Oh, godsdammit, Ryan,” Justin said with a scowl. “Control yourself.”
“It’s not that great,” Terry muttered. “My mane is longer and far more luxuriant. Ryan, do you want to touch my mane? You can, if you want.”
“Who are you?” Gary asked dramatically. “What do you want from me? You can’t have your wicked way with me. My virtue is intact. I am pristine and shall remain as such! You shan’t take that away from me, even though you have drugged me to try and make me pliant.”
“I will not have my wicked way with you,” I spat, stroking my beard, because according to Gary in his production notes, villains stroked their beards to the point that it looked like they were trying to jerk their facial hair off. I had tried to schedule a meeting with him to discuss the direction the play was going, but his secretary (Tiggy) had kept saying Gary was unavailable for the foreseeable future. I’d thought he was lying. “Even though dat ass won’t quit.”
“Dis ass?” Gary asked, wiggling his posterior just a little.
“Dat ass,” I agreed, only because it was in the script. I tugged on my beard some more, trying to sell my v
illainous ways.
“It is nice,” Gary said. “Thank you for noticing. I do lots of squats.”
“Gary did them every morning,” Tiggy narrated. “Everyone liked dat ass.”
“But if you don’t want a piece of all of this, then what are you after?” Gary asked, batting his eyelashes at me.
“Something far more sinister,” I said, scowling at him and stroking my beard furiously. “I have come… for your horn!”
Kevin whimpered. Strangely, so did Ryan.
“Oh no,” Tiggy said. “This terrible. Gary alone in woods and poisoned.”
“Oh no,” Gary said. “This is terrible. I am all alone in the woods, and I’ve been poisoned. Whatever will happen to me? For I, Gary—”
“It was the flower!” I crowed wildly. “That is what poisoned you!”
“Sam,” Gary hissed. “You came in too early! I wasn’t finished with my inner monologue yet.”
I winced. “Sorry. I’m just happy to be here. I get excited easily.”
“No shit. Don’t let it happen again. I will fire you and give your job to your understudy, so help me gods. Do we understand each other?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Ahem. Tiggy, line please.”
Tiggy frowned.
“Tiggy! Line.”
“Whatever will happen—”
“Yes. Whatever will happen to me? For I, Gary, the queen of the forest, have been captured by a villain who for some reason doesn’t want to tap dat ass, but has other nefarious purposes in mind for me. He knows not who he trifles with, and if I wasn’t so woozy, I would be stabbing the shit out of his eyeballs right now, because motherfucker does not get to walk away from this. Who does he think he is?”
“Bum,” Tiggy sang. “Bum, bum bu-buuuummmm.”
“I… am… Gary! I make the world merry. People think I’m scary, bitches better be warrrrrrryyyyy.”
“Did you know about this?” Justin asked Ryan, sounding extraordinarily accusatory. “Did you know there would be songs?”
“That beard, though,” Ryan said, sounding awed.
“It was the flower!” I said again. “That is what poisoned you.”
“It was the flower,” Tiggy said. “Curses.”
“The flower?” Gary asked, outraged. “How did you know I would be searching for flowers?”
I prowled around him. “I have been following you for days, my sweet. Watching your every move like a creepy asshole who doesn’t know the meaning of personal boundaries. I have been planning this very moment for at least six hours, and now that I have you in my clutches, I will take from you what shall be mine.”
“My horn?” Gary whispered, eyes wide.
“Your horn. Because everyone knows a unicorn’s horn is one of the most powerful magical objects ever to exist. One who has such a thing in his possession will be capable of many villainous things, like mayhem and scandals.”
“Mayhem and scandals,” Tiggy said. “Two things that are bad.”
“Mayhem and scandals,” Gary cried. “Oh, heart! Beat slowly in my chest. Is there no one over yonder who could save me?”
“No one over yonder,” Tiggy said sadly. “Gary all alone.”
“There is no one who could save you,” I said, a terrible smile on my face. “Soon, you won’t be able to move, and I will cut the horn from your head.”
Mom and Dad looked disturbed. Even Terry seemed affected.
“Why?” Gary asked, eyes sparkling with tears as he lowered himself to the ground. “Why would you do such a thing to one as magnificent as I?”
“It’s really rather simple,” I said, standing above him. “It’s because I can.”
And I reached for his horn.
The paper one.
That had fallen and was resting on his cheek.
Community theater was hard.
“Do the ribbon thing,” Gary whispered as I grabbed the paper horn.
“Don’t you think that’s a little graphic?”
“Wow, way to question the star. Just fucking do it.”
I rolled my eyes but complied. A soon as I began to slowly pull the horn from his head, I gathered a small bit of magic and shot silky red ribbons from my sleeves, simulating blood for reasons I didn’t understand. A unicorn’s horn was made of bone, and it shouldn’t have bled profusely, but I didn’t want my understudy to get my job, even though I didn’t actually have an understudy.
“Ungh,” Ryan said, eyes glazing over.
“Oh my gods,” Justin groaned.
“Bleh,” Gary said, like he was dying. “Ack. Argh. Blech. Urgh. Bleh.”
“No,” Kevin whispered. “No, no, no. I can’t watch this. It’s far too terrible.” He squeezed his eyes shut tightly.
“Muahahaha,” I said as I snapped the hair holding the folded paper in place. I held the horn above my head, ribbons still shooting from my sleeves. I was probably overselling it, but it looked really cool, and Ryan seemed as if he wanted me to fuck his face right then and there, so it was a win/win. “I have taken this unicorn’s horn. His power shall be mine.”
And then I faded back into the corner of the tent.
Tiggy trained the spotlight back on Gary’s fallen figure. He lay on the ground, tongue lolling out of his mouth, eyes closed.
“My love!” Kevin said. “You must rise. Get up! Get up so far into the future, we can meet and I can go to your bakery and eat the royal hell out of your croissants!”
Gary opened a single eye and glared at Kevin. “Would you shush? I’m acting.”
“Oh. Right. Sorry.”
He closed his eye again, tongue falling out of his mouth.
“This was sad,” Tiggy said. “The forest cried. The earth wept.”
And even though this was all bullshit, even though we were mired in the ridiculousness of it all, I couldn’t help but feel my eyes burn a little. Because regardless of how overly dramatic we were being, this wasn’t too far from the truth. One day Gary had been poisoned and unable to move, a man standing above him, sawing through bone on his head, taking from him part of his identity. And he’d been alone. This was before me. Before Tiggy. He’d been in the forest with no one to help him, and he’d been attacked. He didn’t deserve such a thing. No magical creature did. Even though he tried to laugh it off, tried to put on this play as a way of coping, I knew how it had affected him. He’d been stripped of his autonomy and then assaulted. It’d taken him a long time to tell me what had happened, and when he did, he hadn’t been able to look me in the eye. Tiggy and I had held him for a long time after that, until he’d told us to fuck off, that he was an independent unicorn who didn’t need to be coddled.
My mom was crying, Dad’s arm wrapped around her shoulders.
Terry’s eyes were wide and suspiciously shiny.
In fact, the only people in the room who didn’t seem affected at all were Lady Tina and Vadoma. The former looked bored and the latter annoyed. If this hadn’t been Gary’s performance, I would have gladly bitch-slapped the both of them.
“Everything was sad,” Tiggy continued. “Because poor Gary don’t have no horn.”
Gary’s eyes fluttered open. “Oh no,” he whisper-sang. “What has happened to me? Someone has stolen my iden-ti-ty.”
“Whyyyyyy,” Kevin wailed. “Oh gods, whyyyyyyy.”
“I… have lost my horn. Now I wish I’d never been… born.” He took in a great sucking breath.
“Tiggy sad now,” Tiggy said, great globular tears streaking down his face. “Tiggy so sad.”
Gary began to push himself up, still singing. “I am seething with a momentous rage.” He propped himself up on his front legs, rear to the ground. “My heart has been locked into an unbreakable cage.”
I wanted to run and hug him, but I couldn’t, because I had already exited the stage, and he would kill me if I interrupted his final moments.
Gary stood on wobbly legs. “Who am I supposed to be? When I can no longer be the me I see?”
“O
kay,” Kevin said, tears streaming down his snout. “I think we can agree that line was awkwardly worded. Still effective.”
“My horn,” Gary sang, “oh why have I been forsook? My world, how it has been shook. And now! How will I go on? When everything I knew is now gone?”
And then he went for the kill with the last verse. “I am filled with such terrible remorse. Am I now no better than a common… horse?”
Tiggy covered the lantern completely.
The tent fell into darkness.
Then Tiggy pulled the parchment completely off the lantern, illuminating the tent, and Gary bowed.
“Brava!” Kevin cried. “Brava! A star is born! We are witnessing the beginning of a legend.”
Mom and Dad clapped. After a moment, Justin joined in, and I’d never seen such begrudging applause. It was quite the sight to behold.
I went to Tiggy and tapped him on the arm. He looked down at me and smiled, a fragile thing.
I reached up and squished his face. “I love you, dude. Like, so much. You don’t even know.”
He reached down and gave me a one-armed hug. “Tiggy knows.” He put his face in my hair and took a deep breath. “You don’t leave us again. Okay?”
“Okay.”
He held me tighter.
I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned, expecting it to be Ryan wanting to do sexy things to my entire body, but it turned out to be Justin.
“I know what you’re going to say,” I told him before he could speak. “We were a little rusty, but it was still amazing. Thank you for that. It’s truly wonderful of you to say.”
“I wasn’t going to say that, Sam.”
“Rude.”
He reached out and tugged on my beard. “This is real? How?”
I shoved his hand off me, because it actually hurt. “Shaping magic. I can modify the way I look.”