by TJ Klune
“Oh no,” I moaned.
“What,” Ryan said.
“What is this?” Justin growled at Gary.
“I love everything about my life,” Gary breathed.
“Hurray!” Tiggy exclaimed.
And Zal the Magnificent began to sing.
Once there was a country strong,
with a people most sweet and proud.
They always figured right from wrong,
and to a great King they bowed.
Then there came the darkest day,
from all of us this was taken.
Shadows came and had their way,
and left us all a-shakin’.
Buuuuuut… to themmmm… we saaaaaaaay….
Dark wizards can kiss our asses!
We’ll stab ’em in the gut.
Listen to me, lads and lasses,
Let’s fuck them in the butt!
“Wow,” Dad said. “I can see why you like him.”
“Right?” Gary said gleefully. “It’s like he’s from my dreams.”
There was a boy of simple means,
upon whose shoulders hopes were laid.
More weight than on kings and queens,
To him we looked and prayed.
Called upon the hopes of men,
he would need the help of dragons,
of which it can be said again,
That all the rest are laggin’.
“Sam! Sam! Did you hear that? Did you hear that.”
“Can… barely… breathe….”
“Yeah. He heard that.”
Annnnnnnnd… to eeeevil… we saaaaaaaay….
Dark wizards can kiss our asses!
We’ll stab ’em in the gut.
Listen to me, lads and lasses,
Let’s fuck them in the butt!
People had started joining in on the chorus. I was having a terrible time.
The gods had a chosen one,
to represent us all.
And if there’s a time when he’s truly done,
The rest of us will fall.
It’s a good thing, then, it rests on Sam!
A boy who has become a wizard!
He’s the one who’ll give a damn!
And possibly conjure up a blizzard!
“Ungh,” Ryan said, eyes glazing over as the chorus picked up again.
“I’m not even doing anything,” I snapped at him.
“Yeah,” he said. “But a blizzard. That’s so hot.”
“Oh please,” Terry said with a sniff. “It’s not that great.”
He’s returned to us to save the world,
and give some Darks the ol’ what for!
Knock ’em for a loop, causing ’em to swirl!
Hear the people behind you, Sam, as they start to roar!
The crowd roared.
Zal grinned.
I punched Terry on the thigh.
He grunted but didn’t move.
We ask of you to save us all,
And we’re sorry for past transgressions.
We’ll be with you, Sam, in the brawl,
acting out all our aggressions!
And to those bitches we saaaaaaaaaaay….
“I should have just stayed in the godsdamned woods,” I mumbled as the crowd sang loudly.
“Nah,” Ryan said. “I would have found you eventually.”
“That sounded creepy.”
“Or did it sound like ‘I love you’?”
“That’s not a boner for you,” I told Terry. “It’s for Ryan.”
And alas, after a verse or six,
We’re coming to an end.
Cheesy dicks and candlesticks!
We’re looking for our hearts to mend.
My eyes started to burn as the song slowed, as Zal’s voice broke just a little.
We turn to you, the boy we lost,
your body now littered with scars.
We know what your bravery cost,
and for you we wish upon these stars.
Annnnnnd we saaaaaaaaaaaaay.
Dark wizards can kiss our asses!
We’ll stab ’em in the gut.
Listen to me, lads and lasses,
Let’s fuck them in the butt!
He finished with a flourish, loud and raucous, the crowd crying out joy and pain, in happiness and sorrow. I saw tears on the faces of many, and as Terry finally stood and I sucked in a full breath, I had to wipe my own eyes.
Ryan was there next to me, his forehead pressed against mine, and he said, “They hurt you. I know they did. And they don’t deserve you. None of them do. Not after the way they treated you. But they need you, Sam. Almost as much as I do. Because without you, we’ve lost. Believe in me, because I’ve always believed in you, even when I was at my angriest.”
“You’re so stupid,” I muttered wetly. “I hate you so godsdamn much. You’re all manipulative, and I should curse you and then move far, far away.”
I felt his smile more than saw it. “But you won’t.”
“I won’t.”
“Because you love me.”
“More than anything, I think.”
He laughed quietly, and I thought it the most wonderful sound I’d ever heard. I wondered when last he’d done that, been carefree and happy.
“If you two are done being disgusting, I need Sam.”
Ryan sighed but pulled away.
Justin stood on the other side of the table, looking uncomfortable. “I didn’t have anything to do with that.”
“I know. I’ll deal with them later.” I shot a glare at Tiggy and Gary, but they just waved cheekily back at me. Their deaths would be slow and painful. After I hugged them.
“I need you now.”
“Justin, please. Not in front of Ryan. You know how jealous he gets.”
Justin rolled his eyes. “I need you to speak to them. To our people. They need to hear from you. They need to know that you forgive them.”
“And if I don’t?”
“Speak or forgive?”
I shrugged, because it seemed to be the same.
“Then you don’t. And they lose hope. They won’t know what we do, that you’ll fight for them until your last breath. That you will do everything in your power to take away the shadows and bring them back into the light.”
I squinted at him. “And how do you know I’ll do that?”
He snorted. “I know you, Sam. Very well.”
“Not carnally. That’s only for my babe.”
“Thank the gods for small favors.”
“I don’t—”
“I’ll say it.”
“Say what?”
He looked as if he were about to take the hardest shit. It was not a flattering look. “You know. The thing.”
“What thing?”
If it were possible, the holy-shit-this-shit-hurts look deepened. “You know. The thing.”
I gasped. “You will?”
He nodded like it pained him.
“In front of everyone,” I decided. “In fact, you should stand on stage and say it, and then I’ll believe you.”
“What are they talking about?” Terry asked Ryan.
“Honestly, I don’t even ask questions about it anymore. It’s easier that way instead of knowing my ex-boyfriend and current boyfriend have a thing together.” He frowned before turning to me. “I don’t like the sound of my own sentence.”
I patted his arm, because he was special to me.
“I can console you,” Terry said helpfully. “Do you want me to sit on you like I did for Sam?”
“Uh. No? Thank you, though. That’s very kind of you.”
“Anytime. And I mean that. Anytime.”
I glared at him. “I didn’t know accountants were supposed to be devious.”
“Do you know many accountants?”
“Well… no.”
“Then shut up.”
“Do I have to do the thing?” Justin groaned.
“Yes,” I said. �
�On stage, in front of everyone, and that will help me decide if I want to give a big, rousing speech that will inspire people generations to come.”
“You know what? I changed my mind. I don’t want to you to talk.”
I shrugged. “Your loss.”
“Dammit,” he muttered. “Okay, fine. I’ll do it. But then I will never do anything for you again.”
I grinned at him. “We both know that’s not true, but whatever you gotta tell yourself.”
He grumbled as he made his way back up on stage.
I grabbed Ryan’s hand and pulled him toward the opposite end of the table. “Lady Tina, Vadoma. You’re both looking… alive. Mom. Dad. I love your faces, so don’t ever change them. Gary. Tiggy. Your deaths will not be quick, and you will scream as I remove your intestines by attaching them to a winch and then turning said winch and pulling your guts out slowly. Kevin, you haven’t gotten on my shit list in the last twenty minutes, so keep it that way and we’ll be square.”
“He’s such a whiny little bitch,” Gary said to Tiggy.
“Right?” Tiggy said. “Bitches be whinin’.”
I smacked Gary on his left flank. “Rude. Also, I need your help. I have to give a speech that will inspire generations of people, and I just came to the realization that I have a startling fear of public speaking. I need you to help me overcome that fear, and also cowrite a speech with me.”
Ryan sighed like the drama queen he was.
“You’re in luck,” Kevin said. “I like public speaking because that means everyone’s attention is on me where it belongs.”
“And I write good speeches,” Tiggy said.
“And I will fix your appearance,” Gary said. “So people aren’t put off by how you normally look—I mean, bring out your inner self for all the world to see. How much time do we have? Three days?”
I glanced back at Justin, who was walking up the steps onto the stage. “Probably thirty seconds.”
They gaped at me.
“Justin is going to do the thing,” I said. “He wooed me into this with promises that were like balm to my beleaguered soul!”
“Huh,” Gary said. “Well, you’re fucked.”
“This gonna be funny,” Tiggy said. “Or sad.”
“One lesson I’ve always taught about public speaking is that you need to picture everyone in the audience naked,” Kevin said.
I blinked. “Oh, thank you. I suppose that could—”
“If it helps, I’m always naked.”
“And now I’m frightened again.”
“You know what?” Gary said. “Now that I think about it, I’m always naked too.”
“Tiggy be naked?”
My eyes widened because of the children. “No—”
“Tiggy be naked.”
And he dropped his drawers before holding his hands above his head and crowing loudly.
“He’s so wonderful,” Gary whispered to me. “We all are.”
I put my face in my hands.
“I’m hung,” Tiggy proclaimed loudly.
“I taught him that,” Gary said. “Because it’s true.”
“I am so glad they’re all back together again,” I heard Mom say.
“It was getting a little boring living in the refugee camp after our homes had been taken from us by evil wizards,” Dad agreed.
Justin cleared his throat loudly.
The crowd fell silent again.
Tiggy did not pull up his trousers.
It was good to be home.
“Thank you to Zal the Magnificent for that rousing rendition of… whatever that was,” Justin told the camp. “Truly. And since I now know who to blame for ‘Cheesy Dicks and Candlesticks,’ I’m even more grateful for your presence.”
Tiggy and Gary gulped audibly.
“I’ve already said most of what I could say,” he continued. “And I hope you take my words to heart. You are not alone. We are not defeated. We will not bow down to the shadows that crawl along our feet. I promise you, we will take back Verania.”
The crowd cheered.
“And now, I want to give the stage to someone who I think deserves our undivided attention.”
“He’s gonna do it,” I whispered fervently.
“Someone who has sacrificed much for King and Crown.”
“Oh my gods. Oh my gods.”
“Someone who will one day stand at my side at the throne in Castle Lockes.”
“Oh my gods oh my gods oh my gods—”
Justin looked rather pained as he said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my….”
“Say it,” I hissed. “Yaaassss, say it.”
“I give you my best friend 5eva, Sam of Dragons.”
The noise I made at that exact moment will not be described in detail here. Suffice it to say, I didn’t regret it one bit, even if everyone in my immediate vicinity turned to stare at me, as if they couldn’t believe such a sound could have come from a human being.
“That was amazing,” I said excitedly. “I knew he loved me more than anything else in the entire world. He just needed to be coerced into saying it by—”
“Ahem,” Justin said, glaring down at me. “Sam? If you don’t mind?”
I stared back up at him, confused. “Why would I mind? Justin, that was the greatest thing—”
“You need to go give your speech,” Ryan whispered to me.
“Oh. Oh. Riiiight. That. You know what? I’m good. Thanks, though.”
“Kevin,” Justin said.
“On it, boss man.” And then the traitorous dragon plucked me up from where I stood.
“Boss man,” I screeched, outraged. “You turncoat. I’m your boss man! Me! Sam of Dragons. Unhand me now, you vile creature!”
“He’s so loud for such a small thing,” Kevin said. “But as you wish.”
He set me down on the stage in front of the crowd of hundreds.
Instant stress sweat.
“Wow,” I whispered to Justin. “Did you know your bowels can loosen almost instantaneously? I didn’t know that until right this second.”
“I said the thing,” he growled back at me. “Now give the best speech you’ve ever given in your life.”
“I’ve never given any speech!”
“Well, here’s a good place to start.”
“Justin, why would you—where are you going? Are you leaving me up here by myself? Why would you do that to your best friend 5eva? You know what? I revoke that title. You are not—ah, man, I can’t do that to you. You’d be crushed. Never mind! Justin! Never mind! You are still my best friend 5eva!”
Someone in the crowd coughed quite pointedly. Like an asshole.
And then something remarkable happened.
Ryan Foxheart, the most dashing and immaculate Knight Commander that had ever existed, started to clap.
Slowly.
In the history of his lifetime, he had never started a slow clap.
He thought they were stupid.
But here he was, doing it just for me.
“I’m going to do you so gross later,” I threatened him under my breath. “Your asshole is going to be gaping.”
Tiggy, with his bits and bobs still hanging out, picked up on what Ryan was doing and began to clap along with him. Kevin started next. Gary followed by scraping the ground with his front left hoof. My parents joined in.
And it was like the dam broke after that.
Soon the entire camp was applauding me, even Lady Tina and Vadoma, though they didn’t seem to be very enthusiastic. I chalked that up to the fact that I hated them.
I now understood why people stood in front of others.
“I am so powerful,” I whispered. “Yes, love me. Love me.”
I raised a hand at the crowd.
They roared in response.
I raised my other hand.
They got even louder.
I did a little shimmy.
The cheers got quieter at that.
Rude.
I
could do this.
I could do this.
Eventually they fell silent again, all eyes on me.
I swallowed thickly, wishing I could lift my robes to get a good breeze blowing on my nether region, but figured that probably wasn’t polite, especially since I was pretty much free-balling it underneath.
“Um. Hi,” I said.
Good start.
“Speak louder!” someone shouted. “I can’t hear you, and I want to dissect your every word for truthfulness and validity!”
Great. No pressure. How did the King and Justin do this? How did Morgan when he—
Morgan. It always came back to him, didn’t it?
He was where it started. And he was where it’d ended. The last these people had seen of me had been the day Morgan of Shadows had been laid to rest.
Always him.
I said, “I was just a boy. From the slums. I woke up every day knowing I was loved. Knowing I had a roof over my head, even if it leaked sometimes. That I had two people who loved me more than anything in the world. And it was good. It was good, because I was taught to be thankful for what I had.
“But some days were hard. Some days we went to bed hungry, and I could hear my mom crying through the wall and my dad telling her that it’d be okay, that as long as we were together, we’d figure it out. Those were the days when I’d lay in my bed and look up through the little window in my room. If I craned my neck just right, I could see the sky and the stars, and I… wished sometimes. They weren’t anything special, just the wishes of a kid who wanted his mom to be happy and his dad to be healthy. I wished to be someone great one day. But not just for myself. I didn’t want it for myself. I wanted it for them. Because I—”
I shook my head. “I don’t know if wishes work. I don’t know if the gods hear them. Consider them. Discard them or make them so. If it’s a frivolous thing or if it’s something we all must do. But I did it anyway, because I was a child who believed the world was a bright and wonderful place. And whether it was my wishes, or whether it was the gods themselves, he came for me. He told me that I was meant for something greater, something more, and that I—I don’t. I don’t know that it mattered. What he kept from me. What he knew even before I was born. You’ve heard of the… prophecy. Much has probably been made of it. It’s been twisted into something unrecognizable by people who wanted nothing more than to bring me to my knees.”