by TJ Klune
“Randall,” Myrin said. “I thought I’d felt… something. Pure. And bright. It was….” He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. Not anymore.”
“No,” Randall said softly. “I don’t suppose it does. Not even I can save you now.”
The smile slid from Myrin’s face. “I never asked you to save me, dear heart.”
“I know. And I’ve never forgiven you for that. Or myself.”
Myrin flinched.
He flinched.
“Let me go,” I snarled at Randall, even as the dragon lights in my head pulsed as bright as they’d ever been.
“Sam!” a voice cried out behind us, and through the haze of green and gold, through the rage that roared through me, demanding revenge against this Dark wizard who had stolen Morgan away from me, I heard him. My cornerstone. He was calling for me, and he sounded terrified.
“This isn’t over,” I snapped at Myrin.
“No,” he said quietly. “I don’t expect it is.”
Randall jerked me through the door, raising his hand as it closed behind us. A rush of magic that felt achingly familiar shot from him, and the stone around the doorway collapsed, dust billowing up as the ground shook.
Randall threw me forward and I slammed into Ryan’s chest, his arms coming up around me. I looked up at him. His brow was furrowed, and he held me protectively against his chest as the others gathered around us.
The collapsed doorway began to rumble, and Randall bellowed, “Hold on!”
And then we were sucked through Randall’s magic hole and—
Chapter 12: Nuns Who Commit Armed Robbery Are the Best Kind of Nuns
—LANDED IN a pile of limbs and dirt outside the gates of Camp HaveHeart.
“Motherfucker,” I groaned. “Someone has their foot pressed way too far up my anus, and I am not that kind of man.”
“That’s a total lie,” someone mumbled. I thought it was Justin, and I would have been offended had there not been a little truth to it. Long story.
Shouts started going up inside Camp HaveHeart, but I ignored them in favor of trying to disentangle myself from the wannabe orgy. I started to push myself up but was pulled back down by a rather obstinate knight who didn’t seem willing to let me go.
“I’m okay,” I told him, even though I didn’t know if that was true.
“You’re an idiot,” he whispered, lips pressed against my forehead. “You don’t get to scare me like that. What the hell were you thinking?”
“Honestly? I don’t know if I was.”
“Fool.”
“Probably. But what can you do?”
“You can get off of me,” a voice said from beneath him.
Ryan looked suddenly fearful. “I think I’m lying on top of Randall.”
“You are,” Randall said. “And while this is not the first time that I’ve been on the bottom, my hips don’t move like they used to, and I’d appreciate it if you would get the hell off of me. I haven’t had this much flesh atop me since my days spent with the Luftian quadruplets. They were of a rather garrulous sort, feeling the need to narrate every single little thing they were doing to me—”
“Whyyyyy,” I moaned, even as Ryan shoved me off him with a choked-off scream that I was sure he’d later deny making. “Why must you say these things?”
There was a flap of great wings before the ground rumbled beneath us. A gigantic head peered down at us, dark eyes glittering. “Well now, what do we have here?” Kevin asked, a lecherous grin on his face. “And why was I not invited? Also, as a sidenote, Randall doesn’t appear to be wearing underpants.”
“Ack!” I cried, trying to roll as far away from him as I could. “Why! Why would you do that!”
“I’m old,” Randall muttered. “I’m allowed to do whatever I wish, even if that means not wearing underpants. They are restricting.”
“I’m not a size queen, but hello Randall.”
“Kevin! Not the time!”
“It’s never the time.”
“Yes, but now is so not the time.”
“Oh, well. When you put it that way. Oh look! The King! Hullo, King.”
“Kevin,” the King said, accepting the dragon’s assistance in rising to his feet. “How lovely it is to see your face again.”
“It’s a good face, if I do say so myself.”
“One of the best,” the King agreed. “Now, if we could—”
But whatever else he planned to say was drowned out by cries of joy that poured through the gates as they opened. The people of Camp HaveHeart had seen their King standing before them in one piece, and their emotions overflowed. Almost immediately we were surrounded, people shouting and crying and laughing, reaching in and trying to touch the King’s hands and arms and chest. He took it all with a smile, greeting as many of them as possible, shaking hands and kissing cheeks. Lady Tina, Ryan, and Justin stood at his side, the former two with their weapons drawn and the latter seemingly unwilling to leave his father’s side. I didn’t blame him. I was having a hard time not rushing over to him myself.
But before I could even think of pushing through the crowd, there was a loud, unearthly shriek from behind me, and I was gathered up in large arms and held against a considerable chest as a unicorn wailed against my neck, telling me in no uncertain terms that I was not allowed to leave them again, that if I even attempted it, my intestines would be pulled from my body, wrapped around a tree, and I would be forced to walk away from said tree at a slow pace while my guts were pulled from my body.
“So graphic,” I managed to say as Tiggy squeezed me even tighter.
“You’re damn right it’s graphic,” Gary cried. “Do you know how much stress you cause me? I swear to the gods, Sam, that if I get a gray hair because of you, I am going to castrate you and feed your testicles to homeless children. Do you understand me?”
“Whoa,” I said. “That was… okay. That might have been a little much.”
Gary’s eyes dried instantly. “You know, as soon as I said it, I wondered if I’d gone too far. I suppose there are ways to get my point across without threatening to feed your cut-off penis to poor little orphans. I mean, the castrating thing still holds, but maybe next time I can say I’ll feed it to adult homeless orphans.”
I patted his nose. “I missed you too.”
Tiggy kissed the top of my head. “All right?”
“Yeah,” I sighed. “Except for the whole having to whore myself out to a group of ruffians, coming face-to-face with the traitor who stabbed my boo, and then getting sucked through Randall’s magic hole after a supervillain was about to monologue.”
“So, a normal Tuesday, then,” Gary said.
“It’s only Tuesday? Ugh. Worst. Week. Ever.”
“What are you talking about?” Kevin asked as he made his way over. “Is it me? If so, you may continue. Especially if it’s nice. I do like it when people say nice things about me.”
But before we could assure him that we were most certainly not talking about him, I was jerked down from Tiggy’s arms and into my parents’, and it felt almost as good as it had when I’d stumbled out of the Dark Woods and found my way home.
THE KING was whisked away almost immediately after I’d changed the rescue party back to normal (even Lady Tina), taken to Justin’s tent so that he could be fed and cleaned up while Justin filled him in on what he’d missed. Ryan looked conflicted, glancing between the two of us, but I waved him off, knowing that for the moment, his oath to the King came first. He kissed me on the cheek, then promised to bathe and find me later so we could try to get some sleep.
Lady Tina met with the Foxy Lady Brigade, barking orders that the defenses around the camp needed to be triple-checked in case of a retaliation from the Dark wizards. I didn’t have the strength to tell them that I believed Myrin wouldn’t do a thing, at least not for the moment. He wasn’t one to lash out in anger, not when there were so many unknown variables.
Gary and Tiggy demanded I immediately recount the tale o
f our adventure, seeing as they’d been left behind. Kevin had known bits and pieces, as he was connected to me in ways the others were not, but I filled in the blanks as best I could. By the time I got to the part about Ruv, a large crowd had gathered around us, all hushed and wan, but it was an outlier who’d caught my eye, someone standing at the edge of the crowd.
I met Vadoma’s gaze as I spoke of Ruv, and for once, she was the first to look away.
I didn’t know how I felt about that.
Terry stood awkwardly off to the side, pretending not to listen, even though I knew he was. I was about to beg off and let Gary, Tiggy, and Kevin lead me home when a gnarled hand fell on my shoulder, the grip strong and unyielding.
“I need to have a word with Sam,” Randall said ominously.
“Hi, Randall,” Gary said. “Nice to see you, Randall. Thanks for the postcard you sent, Randall.” He sniffed loudly, nostrils flaring. He looked disappointed, but covered it quickly. I didn’t know what Randall had planned, but I wasn’t going to let him keep Gary’s horn a secret for long.
“He sent postcard?” Tiggy asked.
“No, kitten. He didn’t. That was me being facetious, seeing as how he disappeared without a trace, much like our bitch here.”
Tiggy grinned at me. “You my bitch.”
“I know,” I said tiredly, hoping against hope that Randall would suddenly forget who and where he was so that I could slip away and avoid whatever conversation was coming my way. I didn’t expect it to be anything good.
“Are you going to murder him?” Gary asked Randall.
“Not today,” Randall said.
“Good.” And then, “It’s really good to see you again.”
And wonder of all wonders, Randall smiled. Or he might have had gas. I couldn’t be sure. “Thank you, Gary. Tiggy. I am glad to see you both well. And Gary, we’ll talk later. I promise.”
“About—”
“Yes. About.”
“Hmm. I’ll allow it. And now that that’s out of the way, Tiggy, Kevin. Let’s go see if we can get the King to promise a reward from the treasury once it’s returned to him for our unparalleled valor. I expect to be rewarded handsomely, given that I am the bravest unicorn in all the land. Did you hear that, Terry? The bravest unicorn in all the land.”
They left us, Terry bringing up the rear, muttering what I assumed were threats upon Gary’s person under his breath.
“Any chance we can postpone this?” I asked hopefully. “Like say maybe sometime next year? Or possibly never?”
“Sure.”
“Really?”
“No.”
“Godsdammit. I’ll have you know that we are wasting valuable time when I could be macking on my man, seeing as how we haven’t really gotten any alone time since I came back.”
“My heart weeps for you.”
I highly doubted that. For starters, he’d have to have a heart.
HE SAID, “The Grimoires. You have them?”
I hesitated, but that in itself was all the answer he needed.
“Bring them, if you please.”
I didn’t argue. There wouldn’t have been a point.
They were in the pack where I’d left them, sitting on the floor of the room Ryan had occupied in my absence. The bed was unmade, the blankets tossed about, and I wanted nothing more than to crawl onto it and sleep away the hours. I was exhausted, but Randall was waiting, and I knew I couldn’t avoid whatever was coming. I had a pretty good idea what the conversation was going to be about, and I wasn’t looking forward to it.
I changed out of the robes and washed up before throwing on a pair of trousers that hung loose at the waist. They were Ryan’s, but they made me feel better. I slung the pack over my shoulder and walked barefoot down the hall to where Randall sat in front of the fireplace, the flames crackling. A chair obviously meant for me sat opposite him. I felt like I was a kid again, and I was in trouble with my parents.
“Have a seat,” he said without looking away from the fire.
I glanced longingly at the door but did as he asked. I set the pack at my feet and kept my mouth shut, refusing to speak first, even though I had so many questions.
He didn’t wait long. “I’m surprised.”
“About?”
“That you didn’t tell Gary I had his horn.”
Oh shit. “I forgot.”
“Did you.”
“A lot happened. But….”
“But?”
“Shouldn’t he have been able to sense it? I would have thought he’d know immediately. I felt it at Castle Lockes.” I frowned. “And apparently so did Myrin. That’s what he meant, right? Pure. Bright.”
Randall nodded. “An unfortunate mistake. And yes, Gary would know. Except the magic is… muffled at the moment.”
“What? Muffled. How is it… that wiry mesh you had on it.” I remembered how he’d covered the horn in his pack. “What is it?”
He sighed. “Just one of many, many things that can contain magic. It’s old. A shroud made by a long-extinct race of creatures that walked the earth before man. It was how Gary’s horn could have stayed hidden for so long.”
“Who had it? And where?”
“Does it matter?”
I was annoyed at that. It felt like he was playing a game. “Of course it does. It didn’t belong to them.”
“And what would you have done had you found it instead of me?”
“I would have taken it back.”
“As I have done. What else?”
I scowled at him. “What are you asking?”
He looked relaxed, fingers steepled in front of him as if he had all the time in the world. “Simply what I asked. If you came upon the person who had in their possession Gary’s horn, what would you have done?”
“I would have asked for it back.”
“And if they refused?”
“I would have taken it.”
“By force.”
“If necessary.”
“And if they fought you for it, what then?”
“I would have stopped them.”
“How?”
“By any means necessary.”
“Why?”
“Because they had something that didn’t belong to them. Look. I get what you’re doing.”
“Do you?”
“Yes. You knew me as Sam of Wilds. Who I was. You’re trying to see who I am now as Sam of Dragons. What kind of wizard I’ve become. What I’m willing to do for those I love.”
“And what are you willing to do for those you love?”
I looked him in the eye. “Everything.”
He nodded slowly as if he’d been expecting that answer. “Sam of Dragons.”
I rolled my eyes. “Trust me, it wasn’t my choice. GW kind of forced it upon me.”
“GW? Who—ah. I see. It’s fitting, I think.”
“You only like it because it used to be yours.”
He smiled a little at that. “Why, I would never.”
“Lie.”
“Maybe a little. It’s like you were named after me.”
“Ugh,” I groaned. “I wanted to be Sam the Awesomely Amazing or Sam the Best Wizard Ever, but GW said they were stupid and that I would be Sam of Dragons, or he would eat me.”
“Did he now.”
“Yes. He’s an asshole. He kind of reminds me of you. No wonder he was your mentor.”
“Also yours.”
“Godsdammit.”
“It was in a country to the north,” he said. “Outside of the borders of Verania. Beyond the mountains and into the land of the giants.”
Despite the gravity of the situation, despite my tiredness, I felt that old prickle of excitement course through me. “You went to the giants? Oh my gods, tell me everything. How big are they? Do they eat human flesh? Are they brutish or civilized?”
“Maybe one day you’ll find out.”
I glared at him. “Dude, not cool. You can’t just say you went to the giants and the
n not tell me anything about them. That’s rude.”
“Does it matter in the long run?”
“Well… no. But still. Wait. They had Gary’s horn?”
He shook his head. “No. But they pointed the way.”
“Gods,” I whispered. “What matter of villain was able to abscond from Verania with Gary’s horn? I mean, to think of how evil they must have been, how dastardly and nefarious—”
“They were nuns.”
“—and capable of ripping the flesh from the bones of puppies and stuffing it down their gullets to—what.”
“Nuns,” he repeated.
I waited for the punch line.
There didn’t seem to be one.
“Nuns.”
He nodded.
“Are you… being serious?”
“Very. A group of traveling nuns had somehow stumbled upon Gary’s horn and thought it to be a tool from the gods. They kept it covered in the shroud except for moments when it was uncovered and worshipped.”
“Oh no,” I moaned, putting my face in my hands. “We can’t tell him that. I already have one magical creature with a god complex. I don’t need another. No. Absolutely not. In fact, you tell him you found it in a cave and that it was unguarded and that it was super easy to get, and that will be that.”
“What about the part where, aside from worship, the nuns used it as a weapon while they toured the countryside, robbing everyone in sight?”
I peeked through my fingers. “Say what.”
“Apparently these nuns weren’t exactly the pious sort, and funded their travels by committing armed robbery.”
I sighed. “Because of course. You can never tell him. My gods, do you know what that’d do to his ego?”
“He’d become insufferable, I’m sure. Even more so than he already is.”
“Yeah, he’s wonderful like that.” I dropped my hands back into my lap and slumped into the chair. “How’d you get the horn back?”
He shrugged. “I dressed as a nun, infiltrated their ranks, gained their trust over a period of four months, and then, once I was appointed as one of the Guardians of the Horn, I stole it from them.” He frowned. “That didn’t go quite as I had planned. As it turns out, a nun named Marsha, who I had developed a close friendship with, discovered my betrayal and attempted to stab me with a pitchfork while alerting the other sisters. I learned rather quickly that hell hath no fury like a thieving nun scorned. They pursued me for quite some time, though I was eventually able to give them the slip when I entered the land of the giants again. As it turns out, the giants consider nuns to be their most dangerous of enemies, and an all-out brawl ensued, which provided me with an opportunity to slip back into Verania.”