by TJ Klune
Gary shuffled his feet in the dirt, looking at his horn, then at me. “Okay. Okay. I can do this. I can do this.”
“Ugh, it’s all over my face.”
“Yeah,” Kevin breathed. “It sure is.”
“Is it still possible for me to return to the dungeons?” the King asked.
“Absolutely not,” Justin said. “If I have to watch this, so do you.”
The horn began to glow, and the rainbow spooge made it slick as I struggled to hold on to it. The grooves and ridges slid against my palms and fingers, and I could barely make out Gary’s approaching figure with all his horn juices covering my face.
“Oooh,” Gary moaned. “I can feel it. It feels so good.”
“So good,” Kevin whispered. “Everything about this is so good. You get that horn. Just let Sam give it to you.”
“I’m going to go back to the desert now,” Vadoma said.
“You can touch my horn,” Terry told Ryan. “If you want.”
“Um,” Ryan said. “No, thank you.”
“Sam!” Gary cried. “Put it on my head! Hurry!”
I grunted as I raised the horn. It was shaking so badly, rainbows splashing everywhere, sparks shooting out and hissing on my skin. My arms were sore, my hands numb, my face covered in rainbows, but I took that last step—
And slammed the horn back on Gary’s head.
I felt the moment the bottom of the horn struck the bony protrusion on Gary’s head. There was a scrape of bone against bone, and then a shock of pure power shot through me, gold and green slamming into every other color of the rainbow. A rising wind whipped around us, and Gary’s breath felt hot against my face. I gritted my teeth and held on for dear life.
And then, just because it seemed I needed more strangeness in my life, I heard what sounded like a choir singing again.
Only to realize moments later that it was Gary.
“What are you doing?” I managed to say.
“Aahhh aaahhhh AAAAAAAAAaaaahhhh—what?”
“Why are you singing?”
“Because this is a magical moment, and I always told myself that when I got my horn back, I would sing about it. Gods, don’t be a bitch, Sam. This is my moment, and I will not allow you to make it about yourself. Allow me to have this one thing, for fuck’s sake.”
I sighed, even as the wind roared around us and I felt assaulted by magic.
So Gary continued singing, head bowed, and I held on for dear life, closing my eyes against the bright flashes of light that began to emanate from where the horn was pressed against his head.
And then it was over.
The wind died.
The magic faded.
Gary stopped singing.
I let go of the horn.
And then the crowd gasped.
“Holy shit,” Ryan said from somewhere behind me.
I opened my eyes.
Gary stood before me, looking hard-core as fuck. The air around him was shimmering, but in a softer light than if he’d been in the throes of Glitter Rage. His mane and tail were now rainbow colored and fluttering in a soft breeze. His eyelashes looked as if they’d grown by inches as he slowly batted his eyes.
And his horn. His horn. It was long and rigid, cut into perfect spirals to a sharply pointed tip. It was longer than Terry’s and thicker too. The tip sparkled with a beautiful light, as if a star sat upon it.
“Holy shit,” I breathed. “It’s huge.”
“Yes,” Gary said, his voice having an eerie ethereal quality to it. “I’ve always been a bit… bigger than other unicorns.”
“It’s not about the size,” Terry muttered, “but what you do with it.”
Gary ignored him and turned toward the crowd, who stared back at him openmouthed. “’Tis I,” he said, voice fluttering musically. “Gary. You may gaze upon my stupendousness and—hey. Hey. You there. With the abnormally large nostrils. In the back! What are you doing?”
The crowd turned to stare at some random dude near the rear of the crowd. He did indeed have abnormally large nostrils. “Me?” he asked.
“Yes, you. You’re not gazing upon my gloriousness!”
He shrugged, looking bored. “There is literally another unicorn standing next to you. Once you’ve seen one unicorn, you’ve seen them all. You all look the same.”
“Oh no,” I said.
Gary’s eyes narrowed as glitter started to slough off him. “Excuse me?”
Mom stepped forward. “Gary, maybe you should take a breath. You just got your horn back. You don’t have control like you—”
“Unicorns are dumb,” the man said, apparently incapable of fear. “And pointless. And they annoy me.” He paused, considering. “And I don’t like their faces.”
Before I could take a step forward to do something, a bright rainbow shot from Gary’s horn. It shot up into the air like a firework before it arced and started to fall to the ground.
The crowd shouted as they ran out of the way.
The man didn’t have time to move.
The light hit him on the top of the head and exploded. I waited for the man to keel over or burst in a flash of blood and gristle. I was already forming a plan in my mind to smuggle Gary out of Camp HaveHeart, where he’d have to spend the rest of his days on the run as a fugitive. Maybe one day we’d be able to meet up again, but it’d have to be in disguise, and we would reminisce about the times we’d spent together before I’d betray him by turning him in for the offered reward. I’d feel bad about it, sure, and when I testified against him in court, I’d cry on the stand about how I thought I’d done the right thing by helping him escape, but that my conscience wouldn’t let me sleep at night knowing a murderer walked the streets because of me.
But I needn’t have worried, because the man didn’t die.
Instead, his skin turned blue.
“What,” I said.
“What,” Ryan said.
“Pretty,” Tiggy said.
“Ha!” Gary crowed as he began to prance. “Suck it, random speciesist guy who thinks we all look the same! You’re going to be blue for the rest of your life!”
“Oh dear,” the King said as random speciesist guy began to scream.
“One day,” Justin said, staring up at the heavens. “That’s all I ask. One day where nothing weird happens and everything is normal.”
“What did you do?” I demanded as the man continued to wail.
Gary frowned. “I turned him blue.”
“But what does that do to him?”
“Nothing. He’s just… blue.”
I blinked. “But why.”
“I am a unicorn. With a horn. I don’t have to have a reason to do anything.”
“Change him back.”
“No.”
“Gary.”
“Sam.”
“Tiggy!” Tiggy said.
“I get it,” I said. “Dude’s a jerk. But you can’t just change someone’s skin color because they insulted you.”
“Sam,” Gary said slowly. “Did you or did you not turn Ryan to stone when he tried to kick your ass when you were kids?”
“I didn’t do it on purpose.”
“It sort of felt like it was on purpose,” Ryan muttered.
“It’s the same thing,” Gary said, flipping his newly colored mane prettily. “He hurt my feelings, and so I got my revenge.”
“You can’t just go getting revenge on whoever you—”
“Actually, he can,” the King said mildly.
I turned to gape at him.
The King shrugged. “Magical Creatures Act. They are protected from harm, but there’s also a subclause that allows them to seek revenge if their feelings are hurt, as long as it doesn’t end in the taking of a life. I thought about changing it, but then Gary reminded me that most magical creatures are emotionally mature and don’t seek revenge.”
I sputtered at that. “B-but… Gary. And Kevin!”
“Hey!” Kevin said. “I’m so emotionally mature.
”
“This is the dumbest day,” I groused. “Randall made me talk about feelings and shit and then almost got me killed by throwing a horn at me, and then I jerked it off accidentally until it jizzed rainbows all over me, and now that guy is blue, and I am bothered by all of this.”
“What do you mean you jerked it off?” Ryan growled. “Why would you—”
But he was interrupted when cries went up from the guards standing along the walls of Camp HaveHeart.
My heart pounded as I turned toward them, the lights of the dragons pulsing in my head.
“Riders!” Todd cried, his ears sticking out adorably under a helmet too large for his head. “Approaching quickly.”
“Kevin,” I snapped.
“On it, boss.” The crowd scattered as he spread his wings, the membranes stretching as he pumped them up and down, lifting quickly toward the sky.
Ryan was barking orders at his knights, something I would never get sick of seeing. Justin was pulling his father toward the rear of the camp, though the King was protesting immensely, saying that he was the King, godsdammit, and he could fight if he wanted to.
I wiped my face off as best I could as I stalked toward the gate. Randall and Ryan fell in step beside me, Tiggy and Gary bringing up the rear.
“It’s not Myrin,” Randall said, his gaze slightly unfocused. “I would know if he approached.”
“That doesn’t mean it’s not something else.”
“Tiggy smash?”
“Maybe, dude. I’ll let you know.”
The green and gold were swirling around me, and I was tense, shoulders stiff. By now, Myrin had to know the King was gone, and while I didn’t think he’d come himself, he most certainly could have sent other Darks. He’d be foolish to do so, and if they tried anything, I’d wipe them from Verania. It didn’t hurt that I had a freshly minted unicorn snarling under his breath behind me, still spurting rainbows as if he had no control over it. It was endearingly disgusting.
“Open the gates!” I shouted as we approached.
Todd looked like he was going to object, but then he nodded toward the men on the ground below him. They reached up and began to spin the wooden wheels on either side of the gates, which groaned as they opened before us.
I could see Kevin circling above us, and I told the other dragons to hold, to calm, to wait until I could be sure what we were looking at.
In the distance, three figures approached on horseback at a high rate of speed, dust kicking up behind them. A storm cloud seemed to be chasing them.
“Do Darks ride horses?” I asked.
“Yes,” Gary said. “Because they’re racists.”
“Dude, I’ve told you. That’s not racism—you know what? I’m not even going to get into that with you right now.”
“What’s the plan, Sam?” Ryan asked.
I glanced at him. “We wait until they get close enough to identify. If they’re good, then we help them.”
“And if they’re villains?”
I grinned at him. “Then you’ll get to see what I’ve been up to all this time.”
“Ungh,” he said, eyes glazing over slightly.
“Yeah?” I asked, curling my lip a little. “You like that? You want to see me do magic?”
“So much,” he said hoarsely. “You gonna do a lot of it?”
“I’m gonna cover them in my magic,” I growled, turning toward him and bumping our chests together, my nose scraping his cheek. “They’re going to be stiff with it.”
“Oh my gods,” Gary moaned. “You’re covered in my rainbows and making Ryan sex stupid. This is the worst Horn Reunion Day I’ve ever had. And yes, that was capitalized, because I think that should be a yearly thing from this point on.”
“I sex stupid?”
“No, kitten. You don’t have Ryan’s weird magic kink.”
“Aw,” Tiggy said, pouting.
“We don’t have time for your capitalizations,” I said. “We’re trying to be serious. By the way, you look awesome, dude.”
“Thank you,” Gary said, preening. “And if you ever tell me we don’t have time for my capitalizations again, I will motherfucking stab you with my horn, you little bitch.”
“Whoa,” I breathed. “That was believable this time. Because of the horn.”
“Children, focus,” Randall snapped.
A shadow fell over us as Kevin descended. Ryan’s knights were gathering along the outer wall, Lady Tina barking orders at the Foxy Lady Brigade, each of them moving swiftly and with purpose as they spread out behind us. The gates groaned again as they closed.
Kevin landed in front of us, the ground shaking lightly. He winked at Gary, who swooned, before he looked down at me. “Darks,” he said.
“And the riders?”
“Mama. Moishe. Letnia.”
“What? I thought they were leading the Resistance from Old Clearing!”
“Something must have happened,” Ryan said, flourishing his sword, because he was incapable of not being that guy when he had a weapon in his hands.
“Shit. Okay. Here’s the plan. You guys stay here and watch me kick some ass. Kevin, we’re going to—”
“No,” Ryan said, grabbing my arm. “You can’t take them on your own. You’re gonna get hurt, or worse, captured and they’ll want to have sex with you.”
I pulled my arm free. “Actually, dude, things are a little different nowadays. Stay here. I promise it’s gonna be fine.”
And because I was the hero of the story, I kissed my beloved fiercely, pressing his lips back against his teeth. He grunted into my mouth, lips smacking as I pulled away.
“I’m about to be so badass, you don’t even know,” I said with a grin. “Kevin! Let’s rock!”
“Wait, Sam—”
But Kevin had already picked me up and tossed me over his shoulder. I fell toward his back, grabbing on to one of the sharp spines, sliding down until I landed on his back. His wings were spread and he was lifting off even before the others could stop us. I heard Gary say, “Holy shit, I want to get up on both of them,” before Kevin launched us into the air.
There was red and blue and white in my head, and I thought hold, hold, we’ve got this, I promise, and they agreed, though GW didn’t seem to be too pleased.
“He’s a pain in my ass,” I muttered.
“He’s just mad because he thinks you’re delaying the inevitable.”
“Thank you, Kevin. I surely needed that contribution.”
It was a short flight, all things considered. Kevin was quick, the wind slamming into my face, causing my eyes to water. Green and gold swirled around me, crawling along my skin, the scars on my torso heated and electrified. My heart was thundering in my chest, and I was suddenly angry, furious at the notion that Mama and the others were most likely riding for their lives. Letnia and Moishe mattered, yes, but it was Mama I thought of, beautiful and terrifying Mama, who was most likely filled with such a dangerous rage at being forced from her home. And since she was on her way here, it meant her army of whores had been defeated and most likely captured.
Kevin descended quickly, my stomach rising to my throat. His wings were folded at his sides as we hurtled toward the earth. Right at the last minute, he spread his wings, which billowed, causing us to slow. He landed, claws digging into the earth. He lowered his head toward the ground, and I slid from him.
He growled as the sound of horse hooves grew louder. I patted his side and stood near his head.
Mama was in the lead, looking fierce as all get-out as she galloped toward us. Her eyes widened when she saw me standing next to Kevin, and she started to slow her horse.
“Keep going!” I shouted at her.
She looked as if she was going to argue, but then she glanced over her shoulder beyond Moishe and Letnia and saw the shadows racing after them, Darks using magic to run faster than any human should have been able to. She dug her heels into the side of the horse, urging it faster. “You better not die, precious!” she b
ellowed as she passed us by. “I will murder you if you do!”
I grinned at her. Letnia didn’t even spare us a look as she rode past. Moishe stared at me curiously, his gaze unnerving. He had to have known I was a full-fledged wizard now. Elves could taste the magic as if it were a physical thing. He would have felt what the others could not.
There were five of them, all Darks. They’d seen the dragon and were slowing, but when they spotted me, they came screeching to a halt, dirt and grass kicking up around them. It would have been comedic had they not just been trying to capture Mama.
“Hello!” I called out cheerfully, squinting against the bright sunlight.
A rather portly Dark said, “Holy shit, it’s him.”
“What’s he covered in?” asked a second Dark. “Is that… wet paint? Why is he covered in wet paint?”
“Maybe he was painting something,” a third Dark said.
“He’s actually covered in the horn spunk of my recently reconciled husband,” Kevin growled.
They gaped at him.
“Godsdammit,” I muttered. “Did you have to say it like that?”
Kevin looked down at me. “But it’s true.”
“Well, yeah, but you didn’t have to tell them that. Come on, dude. I only have one chance to make a first impression.”
“Actually,” the fourth Dark said, “I met you once before already.”
I cocked my head at him. “You did? When was that?”
“At the restaurant that time you were on a date,” he explained. “The knight was your chaperone, even though you wanted to make love to him. And then you covered us in rock.”
“Oh gods,” the fifth Dark said. “Listen to this guy. Make love. Come on.”
“Hey! Just because you’re vulgar doesn’t mean I have to be.”
“Ohh,” I said. “Riiiiight. I remember that. Oh man, that seems like such a long time ago. How’ve you been?”
“Pretty good, I guess. You know. Taking over villages. Looting treasures. Not a bad life, if I’m being honest.”
“Cool, cool. So, not a first impression for you, but I think that whole thing in the restaurant was good, so. We’re square. As for the rest of you, well. Allow me to introduce myself.” I bowed. “My name is Sam of Dragons.”