by TJ Klune
He looked gleeful when he was supposed to be emotionally destroyed. “My succulent what now? Ryan, did you hear that? He thinks I’m succulent.”
“I heard,” Ryan said through gritted teeth.
“And you,” I told Dimitri, trying to get us back on track. “I have betrayed you because I believe you to be a perfect offering to the greatest wizard in the world. After all, Myrin would love to have the king of the fairies as a prisoner.”
The Darks sounded rather pleased about that. “That’s so true,” one of them said.
Dimitri buzzed angrily. “You think you can stop me?” he asked. “I am the king of the Dark Woods. I am the Guardian of the Forest. The Keeper of the Trees. The—”
“We get it,” I said.
“Good,” he snapped. “Because nothing you can do can stop me.”
“You forget,” I said, arching an evil eyebrow at him. “I am the master of the dragons. They belong to me. They are in my control. Perhaps an exhibition of my power would show you just how wrong you are.”
“Do your worst,” Tiggy intoned. “I smash you good.”
“Ha, ha, ha! I would like to see you try, you giant of a man. Now, enough talking! Behold, the strength of Sam of Dragons!”
“I got chills with that,” Gary whispered to me. “Like, if this was real, I would consider being scared.”
“Cool, right?” I whispered back.
And then a bright light burst from my hand, a ball of swirling energy that was absolutely nothing at all. I’d used a smaller version in the sewer tunnels. It wasn’t even warm.
But the Darks didn’t know that.
“And now,” I said. “For one of my most diabolical spells. Flora Bora Slam!”
I hurled the light at Kevin. It hit him in the chest and dispersed. He wouldn’t have even felt a thing, but he clutched his chest and growled, his tongue lolling from his mouth. A little stream of smoke curled from his nostrils. He slumped over, head hanging down for a beat or two, before he raised his head and looked at me. “Master,” he said in a dull voice. “I am here to do your bidding.”
The Darks clapped.
“Wait,” Terrance said. “I thought dragons were impervious to magic.”
Godsdamn Terrance. He was my greatest enemy. After Lady Tina, Myrin, Ruv, Caleb, and Vadoma. I would have my revenge. “You are exactly right, Terrance. They are. Except for Flora Bora Slam. It is a spell of my own design, something I concocted while deep in the Dark Woods. I studied all the dragons and learned of a weakness in their makeup. That weakness allows me to control them.”
“In all ways,” Kevin said in that same flat voice. “Like, you could do things to me and I wouldn’t be able to resist. I’m your sexy puppet.”
“Right,” I said quickly. “Or other things not quite as gross and/or related to bestiality.”
“Control the dragons?” one of the Darks asked.
“Bwahaha! I am so glad you asked. Kevin! Take out Gary and Tiggy and Ryan and Dimitri!”
“Rawr,” Kevin said, bearing his teeth slightly. He reached down and tapped Tiggy on the shoulder.
Tiggy yelled, “GWAAAH!” as he fell to the ground, the dirt kicking up around him.
“Wow,” one of the Darks said. “It looked like he barely even hit him.”
“Grr,” Kevin said as he poked a claw against Gary’s neck, the skin dimpling.
“Alas!” Gary cried as he stumbled. “I have been defeated. My horn, recently returned to me that no one has complimented me on in the last thirty-six minutes, has failed me. I feel the darkness closing in on my vision. My life is flashing before my eyes. I had a wonderful time here in this world. Why, there’s the time I was a wee slip of a lad and found myself losing my virginity to a rough-and-tumble centaur named Douglas Von Snapperstein. He had such wonderful biceps that made me feel safe as he plundered my virgin hole. And then there’s the time I found myself eating warm ketchup for the first time and realized that people who open condiments and then put them back in the pantry instead of the icebox are essentially equivalent those who commit war crimes. And then there was the time I—”
“You said you were defeated,” I reminded him, starting to sweat a little.
“Well excuse me if I have lived a long and storied life that I have yet to write down in an autobiography entitled If I Did It, where I discuss all the bad and illegal things I’ve potentially done and tell you exactly how I would have done them had I done them. There would have been a surprise follow-up four months later called I Did It, where people would shell out the same amount to read the fact that I did those bad and illegal things.”
“Fall. Down.”
“Gods, you are a pushy little bitch, aren’t you? Is this a wizarding thing? Is that how you’re going to be now? Because if that’s the case—wow, you are evil, if that expression on your face is any indication.” He started choking before he fell to his knees and then over on his side. “Gahhhhh,” he said, tongue lolling out of his mouth.
“That was heartbreaking to watch,” one of the Darks said. “Because they were friends and all. Truly sad.” The other Darks murmured their agreement.
“I shall destroy you,” Ryan said, pulling out his sword and flourishing it in a practiced circle. The blade caught the sunlight, and I would have been really turned-on if he wasn’t such a douchebag and I wasn’t pretending to betray him. “And then I will bring back my one true love from the brink of darkness.”
“Kevin!” I bellowed. “Defeat the knight!”
“Your wish is my command, oh master of my gaping domain,” Kevin said.
Ryan charged at him, raising his sword. He brought it down gently (but not too gently) onto Kevin’s leg, where it glanced uselessly off the dragon’s scales. Kevin knocked Ryan’s sword out of his hand with a flick of his tail and then shoved him down to the ground a little harder than necessary. Ryan skidded in the dirt before coming to a stop near my feet.
I looked down at him.
He rolled his eyes.
I loved him so fucking much.
“As you can see,” I exclaimed, my acting probably as good if not better than those who graced the Lockes Stage, “three have been defeated. All that remains is the king of the fairies. And since it is his job to protect the dragons, he cannot fight Kevin. Therefore, everyone here has been defeated, and I have completed my betrayal.”
“He’s right,” Dimitri said, wings drooping. “I have been defeated and cannot do a single thing.”
The Darks clapped again.
Except Terrance. Terrance, who had already passed Vadoma on my list of enemies, looked down at my friends on the ground before saying, “But you haven’t monologued yet.”
The Darks stopped clapping.
“Excuse me?” I asked Terrance as politely as I could, even though in my head I was deciding how to remove his femurs from his body in the way that would cause the most pain.
“You say you’re a Dark wizard now.”
“Right.”
“And you’ve betrayed all your friends.”
“This is true.”
“But you haven’t monologued yet about your feelings and how you turned bad because of your father not loving you, or because you found dead animals in the woods when you were a kid and poked them with sticks.”
I stared at him. “I don’t—”
“Monologue,” Gary hissed as he squinted up at me before he laid his tongue back on the ground.
“But—”
“I believe in you,” Tiggy said.
“Aw,” I said. “Thanks, dude. But there’s no way in hell I’m going to—” The Darks were frowning at me, looking perturbed. “Oh, godsdammit. Do I have to?”
“Only a true Dark wizard would monologue after having his enemies defeated at his feet,” Terrance said. “Everyone knows this.”
The other Darks nodded.
“Ugh. Fine. I’ll do it. I’m not happy about it, but I’ll do it.”
They waited.
“Okay, so,
like. Um. Let’s see. Monologue. Monologue. I mean, do I just start or…? Like, lay out my plans of evil and then…? Okay. I can do that.” I cleared my throat. “So. Here goes. I will now tell you my plan for crushing the Resistance.”
Gary was shaking on the ground. Motherfucker was laughing at me. I thought about lighting his bouffant on fire, but since he had his horn back, I figured he would probably shoot more rainbows all over my face, and I couldn’t have that. So I chose to ignore him instead.
“It all started when I was young and realized my father thought I was weak. He hailed from the North and worked in the lumber mills and was stronger than I could ever be.”
“Ohh,” one of the Darks said. “It’s already off to a good start.”
“Yes, my father thought I was too small and incapable of manly things and also a waste of space. All I wanted to do was impress him, but nothing I did ever worked.” Which, of course, was bullshit. He was very easily impressed. “I begged him. I said, ‘Papa, why can’t you love me as I am?’ And he said, ‘You’re too meek and mild for me to love. I wish we had had a son who mattered.’”
Two of the Darks’ lips were wobbling.
I was so good at this.
“And then I grew up and became magic and was told I was going to be a good guy, but then I thought p’shaw, that sounds boring and predictable. Why on earth would I want to do that? So then when I heard there was a prophecy about me, I decided to defy the gods. I pretended to go along with them, but secretly I was learning how to be a Dark wizard, because everyone knows Dark wizards are cooler than most others and very hard to fool.”
“Damn right!” a Dark called out. “We’re so cool! And no one gets anything by us!”
“Exactly! So while it seemed like I was a good guy, I was actually the worst guy of all! Like, this one time Gary asked if the magenta in his mane made him look fat, and I said no. But in reality, it did.”
Rainbow and glitter shot out of his horn and landed on my boot.
“Next one goes in your mouth,” he whispered at me.
I gulped. “And uh, so yeah! Like, I wanted to tell you guys that I was bad, but every time I saw a Dark wizard, there were a bunch of people around me and I couldn’t break my cover.”
“What about the time you saw Myrin in Mashallaha?” Terrance asked.
“Thank you, Terrance,” I said as evenly as I could. “I was hoping you were going to ask that. I had been seduced by love. You see, I have a cornerstone. He loved me, and I tolerated him, but he used that love against me, and I felt myself getting pulled toward the light. Why, that time in Mashallaha when I fought Myrin, Ryan had just told me how much he loved me, and how I was the best thing in his world, and how he didn’t think he could ever go on without me, and that if I left him, he would probably just lay down and die.”
“Laying it on a little thick,” Ryan muttered.
“Gross,” a Dark said. “Cornerstones are so clingy.”
“Right? But I was already drowning in his love, and so that’s why I fought Myrin. But I felt super bad about it afterward, and I’ll totes apologize the next time I see him.”
Terrance nodded. “Okay. You may continue your monologue.”
I winced. “I have to do more?”
“You still haven’t said your evil plans.”
“Oh, right. Riiiiight. My plans.”
“Your evil plans.”
“Gods, fucking Terrance—I mean, yes, Terrance. You are correct. My evil plans. You see, I went to the woods to learn control over all the other dragons. I hoped by the time I came back to serve Myrin that he would have destroyed the Resistance. But he hadn’t. So I infiltrated their camp, learned their ways and gained their trust, and now know everything about the Resistance.”
“I just got chills,” the first Dark said. “Did anyone else get chills? Because I did.”
“Right?” I said, pleased. “So, now if you could take me and my prisoners to Myrin, everything will be swell and we can get on with the whole destroying Camp HaveHeart thing. Also, that name sucks because HaveHeart is gross. Also, I hate love. And puppies. And feeling good. Because I like Dark stuff. Like… um. What do you guys like?”
“Potatoes,” one Dark said.
“Pushing people into lakes,” another Dark said.
“Lighting things on fire.”
“Looting and pillaging!”
“Punching orphans!”
“General mayhem!”
“Yes,” I said, nodding furiously. “I like all of those things too. Like, so much. Good. That’s the end of my monologue. I’m glad we’re all on the same page.”
“Except—” Terrance said.
“Shut up, Terrance,” I snapped at him.
The other Darks laughed. “Yeah, Terrance,” one said. “Shut up. He likes potatoes and general mayhem. He’s obviously a Dark wizard. Ooh, Myrin’s going to be so pleased. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when we bring his sworn enemy into the castle, only for him to realize that said enemy is now a Dark wizard and will help us crush the Resistance.”
They all started laughing evilly.
I laughed evilly along with them, because that was what one did when one was pretending to be a Dark wizard.
I so had this.
UNDER MY instruction, Kevin had gathered Ryan, Tiggy, and Gary in his arms, Dimitri following dutifully behind him as we were led into the City of Lockes. Dark wizards inside the City gaped at us until the call went out that the great Sam of Dragons had turned into a villain and was here to bring about the end of everything good and happy and filled with sunshine. The Darks cheered. The prisoners stared at me with wide eyes filled with shock and betrayal. I ignored them, making sure my robes billowed evilly around me. I waved at the Dark wizards, accepting congratulations on my decision to explore the fine art of villainy. My hand was shaken, my back slapped, and I smiled as evilly as I could to make sure no one saw through my ruse.
The farther we walked into the City, the more Darks poured out of the buildings and alleyways until the streets were filled with them trailing along behind us. Sure, some remained at the gates and on the parapets, but the majority were following.
As we wound our way through the City toward Castle Lockes, Kevin kept his gaze straight ahead, Tiggy, Gary, and Ryan lax in his arms. Dimitri fluttered behind him, head bowed. The fact that this had worked as well as it had was a little shocking but not unforeseen. I was obviously one of the world’s greatest actors, just now coming into my talent.
Castle Lockes loomed before us as we approached, Myrin’s flags fluttering in the breeze. I could see Darks gathering ahead at the entrance to the castle and wondered if Myrin already knew of my arrival. I’d done nothing to shield my magic since we’d stood outside the City. If he was as powerful as I thought and as connected to me as the gods claimed, then I thought he would have known I was here.
So I was a little disappointed when we reached the entrance to Castle Lockes only to be greeted by… Caleb.
“What is this?” he asked, eyes wide. He looked up at Kevin and who he carried before glancing back at me. “What is he doing here?”
“He’s turned into a villain!” one of the Darks exclaimed. “He monologued and everything.”
“It was really quite impressive,” another Dark said. “It wasn’t even a monologue from a beginner. Quite advanced, if you ask me. Pretty much a natural.”
What a mean thing to say. “Bwahahaha,” I laughed, trying to prove to Caleb that I was, in fact, a villain as the Darks were claiming.
Caleb’s eyes narrowed. “Sam of Dragons has… turned?”
“Well, that’s what it looks like,” Terrance said, because he never knew when to keep his fucking mouth closed.
“Shut up, Terrance,” Caleb snapped.
“Aw,” Terrance said, looking down at the cobblestone.
“I’m totes evil now, dude,” I told Caleb. “You can trust me on that.”
“Totes evil,” he repeated slowly. “And how did
this come to pass?”
I shrugged. “You can only spend so much time in the Dark Woods getting magic shoved into you by dragons before your mind starts to… expand.” I glanced up at Kevin to see Gary staring down at me, a strange look on his face. “You begin to see things in a different light. I’m no longer the person I once was.”
Caleb stared at me for a long moment. Then, “You expect me to believe that.”
“Yes,” I said.
“You, Sam of Dragons, are now a villain.”
“Pretty much.”
“You have to know how ridiculous that sounds.”
I cocked my head at him. “Why is it so hard to believe? I was poor, growing up in the slums while the top one percent ruled over this land and gave us nothing. And when I was finally taken from the slums, it was because of a lie told to me by people I trusted and I was met with derision from all sides. And that’s something that never changed. No matter what I did, the people of Verania have hated me. They unified and marched against me. Demanded my removal as the apprentice to the King’s Wizard. And then my mentor died in front of me. I left those I cared for behind while I went to gain power from questionable means. If that’s not the backstory of a villain, I don’t know what is.”
“Right,” Caleb said slowly. “But why here? Why now?”
I grinned maniacally. He took a step back. “Because I’ve seen what I’m truly capable of. How far my magic reaches. Why, I could very well wipe you out with a single thought, but instead I’m letting you live.”
Caleb swallowed thickly. “What happened to them?” he asked, nodding up at the precious cargo in Kevin’s arms.
“Sam asserted his control over the dragon and forced him to take them out in front of us,” a Dark said. “I’ve never seen such a thing. I mean, it’s about time that insufferable unicorn finally got knocked out. I’m so anti-Gary, I don’t even know what to do with myself.”
Anti-Gary, I mouthed to no one in particular, because the phrase just didn’t compute. Gary was one of the greatest creatures ever to have existed. Everyone loved him. And now that he had his horn back, there was just more to love. Sure, he could be overbearing and mean and snarky and bitchy, and he really didn’t understand personal boundaries or common courtesy or that funerals were not an appropriate time to hit on a hot newly widowed lumberjack, but the fact that anyone could not like him was simply mind-boggling.