by Unknown
GEORGE: And, oh! I say Tia what are you doing there?
TIA (wringing her hands): Burning the letters you wrote me before our marriage, George.
GEORGE: There now! and Tia what is inside that parcel you have been making up all the morning?
TIA: The presents you gave me George, and my engagement ring and my wedding ring — Now surely he will understand, though he is only a man of letters.
GEORGE: My careful little wife.
TIA: O how dense he is (rises) George, I, I am going away.
GEORGE: Do dear — you had better lie down for a little.
TIA: I mean — I mean not to come back.
GEORGE: You mean to your Grandpapa’s, Tia! But you know he and Grandmama are coming to us. I say Tia, how glad they will be to see you and me so happy together.
TIA: Happy! George do you love me as much as you loved Hedda Gabler?
GEORGE: Yes, I think so. Neither Hedda, nor you have ever given me a moments uneasiness — Simple souls both.
TIA (aside): This kindness kills me. George I think I shall write you a letter.
GEORGE: Do Tia.
TIA: You must think it strange George that I should write you a letter?
GEORGE: Oh, no Tia. But I say may I show it to my aunt Juliannia?
TIA: After I am gone George.
GEORGE: Yes, yes. Will you write it now, Hedda. I mean Tia.
TIA (in couch R.): Now, ay now. The sooner the better.
GEORGE: Let me bring you your writing case Dear — There I have not spilt the ink — Really I haven’t Tia. (Tia writes in wild haste)
GEORGE: How beautiful you are Hedda — Tia. Do you know Judge Brack told me yesterday that he envied me my pretty little wife. Just think of that.
TIA: An envelope.
GEORGE: Tia, listen to this. I have been so lucky in my wives that I think I must be a good fellow after all.
TIA: I wonder whom your next wife will be.
GEORGE: I wonder Tia, and oh I say —
TIA: A stamp.
GEORGE (gives stamp): How pretty you —
TIA (reads): ‘George Tesman, Esq.’ There now put on your hat George, and take this to the post at once —
GEORGE: Just think of that now — Tia this new proof of your affection for me goes to my heart, and I must tell your grandpapa and grandmama about it. The moment they arrive. How good of them Tia, to offer to come to us for six months.
TIA (aside): I cannot remain here to face simple innocent grandmama. Had I not best tell George all here this instant. George, I have not been a good wife to you.
GEORGE: As good as Hedda Gabler herself, dear — Remember what I told you Judge Brack said.
TIA (wildly): Judge Brack! George, Judge Brack kissed me last night.
GEORGE: Fancy that now Tia. (Exit L.)
TIA (pacing room): How unsuspicious these young men of letters are. I wonder if they are all like that. Oh, but in an hour that letter will be delivered, and then George will know all, he will know why I am going away from him for ever (Gets black bag) It was just like this that I left my last husband Elvested, a black bag in my hand, and on my shoulders this little black jacket, if Jacket it can be called. To steal away from my second husband precisely as I stole away from my first, it feels quite — quite like old times, (is going when Bell rings) Grandpapa and grandmama would that I had gone before they came. They are so old-fashioned that they will think it wrong of me to desert my home.
(Enter Peter L. with rugs etc. )
TIA: Grandpapa! (Both down C. Peter makes strange faces, gestures, etc. ) Are you not well grandpapa?
PETER (whispers): Can’t you follow me? It is so simple that a child could make it out. I was saying Tia, Grandmama and I are so proud that you have at last got a husband to suit you.
TIA: Husband? Ah you mean George — You have been at L’Enfant Prodigue? (Peter signs yes elaborately — ) That means Yes! How much easier it is than talking! But why has dear, simple, homely, humdrum, domesticated Grandmama not come with you (Peter gesticulates) She is cleaning windows? (Peter repeats) Influenza? (Peter repeats) She is standing for the County Council? (Peter repeats) Kangaroos?
PETER (whispers): You are sure you follow me?
TIA: Yes, but —
PETER: Then I’ll tell you what it means. Your Grandmama went away from L’Enfant Prodigue in the middle of the first act, because she declared she couldn’t hear a word they said.
TIA: But she has not come here?
PETER: No, she went to another play, called The Doll’s House.
A childish piece I should think from the title. She will be here directly, (sees letters at fire). But Tia — what have you been doing here? Burning George’s manuscripts. Ah, a good wife, a good wife.
TIA (aside): Why should I not tell Grandpapa all? I will! Grandpapa, these are George’s letters to me that I am burning, and oh it breaks my heart, for I look upon each of them as a little child, George’s children and mine. There are a hundred and twenty-seven.
PETER: Tia Tesman!
TIA: Soon to be Tesman no longer. Grandpapa I am leaving George.
PETER: Leaving him, what has he done?
TIA: Nothing. It is I who am unworthy of him, Grandpapa.
I was at the Leybourne’s dance last night and Judge Brack and I went into the conservatory, and he kissed me —
PETER (shakes and falls on sofa R.): Ghosts, ghosts! Is my
40 years’ secret, at last to be discovered? I — I cannot see Tia, that you are to be held responsible for Judge Brack’s misbehaviour.
TIA: I let him do it — I wanted him to do it; and that is not all, for Parson Greig kissed me on Tuesday, and Henrik Borsam on Wednesday and Baron Kleig on Thursday, and I am going mad, mad! mad! (falls on sofa)
PETER: Ghosts! So the bolt falls. For nearly 40 years, have I kept my crime to myself and now it must out, it must out — Tia — I — ah — men don’t do these things.
TIA (starting up): They do, they do, and oh grandpapa — I like it.
PETER: Ghosts.
TIA: And so grandpapa I must leave George. Oh grandpapa, you who have lived a blameless life — Do not, cannot understand how unworthy I am of George. It is idle to tell me to be more careful. It is in my blood. (Peter jumps) and I know — I feel that as I have been in the past so shall I be in the future. I cannot look upon a man without wanting him to kiss me, and he reads my thoughts and does it. Oh Grandpapa, how can men read a woman’s thoughts so well, (aside) so well, that is your cue —
PETER (aside): No, ‘other women’ is my cue. I am using Gosse’s version you know.
TIA: I am using Archer’s. Say something.
PETER: All right. Ghosts.
TIA: Grandpapa, you who are so wise and good, tell me why
I experience this overpowering desire to be kissed? It seethes through my being. It is a wild uncontrollable passion, that I cannot master. Why, oh why am I so different from other women?
PETER: ‘Other women’. Ghosts.
TIA: George wonders why he cannot keep a secretary for more than one day. It is because my kisses frighten them — grandpapa they run from me. (Secretary enters
C.) Ha! See! (Tia runs after him, he dodges her round table C. she catches him, he kisses her and Exits L.) Grandpapa, tell me, oh tell me why I did it.
PETER: How — how should I know? (sinks in chair L. )
TIA: You do know. I can see it in your face —
PETER: Ghosts, she sees them in my face — and I thought I had kept them hidden inside — inside (aloud) So be it. Let the bolt fall — Tia I will tell you all, but first, the brandy, quick the brandy. (Tia gives glass of brandy, he drinks, mutters Ghosts) Tia what I am about to tell you I have kept to myself for almost — almost 40 years. Ah do not say I have not suffered, (flinging himself at her) Do not say it.
TIA: You frighten me, Grandpapa — That your cue.
PETER: Ah! revile me Tia if you choose, but do not say I have not suffered, even if you think
I have not. Don’t let on, it makes me jump so — Tia, weep no more or if you must weep and wring your hands, because that is your idea of the character, let it be for me, for it is I who have done this; it is I who have made you what you are! Quick more brandy (she brings it, he drinks) Ghosts, (whispers) You don’t think I’m saying Ghosts too often do you?
TIA: No, not at all. (aloud) You have not made me what I am, Grandpapa. It is only a wicked impulse of my own.
PETER: Poor Tia Tesman, and whence comes that impulse? It comes from me. It is hereditary, as all impulses are —
TIA: Speak quickly, grandpapa, speak quickly, (seizes him by shoulders).
PETER: Thickly? Is it quickly or thickly in Archer’s version never mind. The brandy — (drinks) Tia Tesman, nearly 40 years ago I married your grandmother, my confiding little baby wife Delia — and I have never had a moment’s happiness since! That was not her fault, it was mine — mine. Two evenings before the wedding one of her bridesmaids was staying with her and it so happened that the gas suddenly went out (Music) It was relit in a moment but during that time — Tia can you not help me out!
TIA (coldly): Go — on —
PETER: She was pretty — tobacco coloured hair impudent nose, soft chin, pleading eyes, laughing shoulders, rather plump and twenty round the waist — round the waist — I never saw her without a mad longing to take her face in my hands, gather her up, and — in short she was the kind I liked — Until that black night however, I succeeded in stepping back from her, in order to prevent myself stepping nearer — but when the gas went out — when the gas went out. Remember Tia, it must also have been hereditary in my case, otherwise I could not have done it. Tia, I offer no excuse for the impulse was not then so strong (It came from my great aunt on my mother’s side) but that I could have resisted it.
TIA: The gas went out?
PETER: Went out — it must have been hereditary — and then, ha, ha! I kissed her, yes Tia I kissed her — she was the kind I liked (crosses) in another second the gas was lit, and she was at the opposite end of the room, looking at some photographs. Ay, glare at me Tia, glare at me. It is I who have given you this fell disease —
TIA: I see, I see, the scales fall from my eyes. Oh you wicked old man. (faints R.)
PETER: She was the kind I liked — Fainted — Dead! Don’t say you’re dead, Tia. Ha, the brandy, (pours out) say when Tia, say when. Water?
TIA (faintly): Potash.
PETEF.: No, thank you, Tia. I take it neat, neat. (Drinks it off)
TIA (sitting up ): Ghosts.
PETER: Have you got ‘em too, Tia — What change is this that has come over you —
TIA: You notice it? Grandpapa, your confession has made a woman of me. It has turned me into a Hedda. Look! Look! I am no longer Tia Tesman. I am a Hedda Gabler.
PETER: She is a Hedda now. (Bell rings) Ha Grandmama.
TIA: I must away to think — to think.
PETER: About your future Tia. I mean Hedda.
TIA: No, about yours. How will you do it Grandpapa? (she now imitates Hedda)
PETER: Do it?
TIA: You don’t mean that you will go on living — No, put vine leaves in your hair and do it. Oh, why should you have been able thus to destroy me? Hereditary! Why should I suffer for your sins? Grandpapa, I shut my eyes and see a new Era dawning. I tell you, I warn you, that the day is fast approaching when there will be no heredity, a day when old conditions will be played out, and new conditions will take their place — conditions under which there shall be no such things as Grandfathers.
(Exit C. )
PETER (in chair L.): Tia, Tia Tesman, you would not blame me so much if you understood she was the kind I liked
I don’t think I can do it, Tia, it will be a more severe punishment to live on, and Delia would not like me to do it. I am glad Delia is coming womanly, homely Delia. I wonder if Delia uses Gosse’s version or Archer’s. (Enter Delia L. She coughs.) Ah, my pet, and how did she like The Doll’s House? Delia my dear wife, I don’t quite care for Tia. I want to go home.
DELIA (glaring at him): Wife! Home! Oh, how I hate the words!
PETER (jumps up and then falls into seat): You too Delia! The Brandy! (she snatches bottle from him) Gosse — I mean Ghosts.
DELIA: How did I like The Doll’s House? It has made a woman of me. Peter Terence — I have come here to call you to account. I am your doll no longer (triumphantly)
PETER: Have we not been happy, Delia?
DELIA: Because we knew no better. Go on Peter Terence, cast my innocence in my teeth — I know what you will say, that you have been faithful to me Yes, you have been faithful and yet you call yourself a man —
PETER: A virtuous woman —
DELIA: Virtuous! Have I ever had a chance of being anything else? I am your wife. We were to be complement and supplement — it was on that understanding you got me, and how have you kept your trust? Peter Terence answer me this. Did you ever take me into low society? Dare you answer yes? You dare not. Of the women who have come to our house during these 40 years of ridiculous happiness, was there one who was not a lady? Peter Terence, there was not. You know the world, you see it in all its colours, and yet did you ever bring home a disreputable man to dinner? Not one — Peter Terence. Did you ever make a remark in my presence that was not fit for a lady’s ear? Never — When I should have been living my own life, were you not, dandling me on your knee, and taking hairpins from my hair to clean your pipes with? I have borne you six children Peter Terence, and did you propose that they should be sent out to nurse, because a true woman cannot be bothered with children? Did you relieve me of the trouble of rearing one of them? Not one — I had to bring them all up myself, they called me, mother — you stood by and let them call me, mother!
PETER: The Brandy —
DELIA: No —
PETER: But my Duck —
DELIA: No —
PETER: I mean my wild duck —
DELIA: You disgracefully, healthy minded old man, for shame —
PETER: Ghosts then — You have no objections to my saying Ghosts? I must say something.
(Tia enters C. and listens)
DELIA: Not to me. Henceforth Peter Terence our paths lie in different directions You go one way and I go the other —
PETER: Delia Terence, Deliar Tremers, Delirium Tremens —
DELIA: And if you are half a man, you will set off upon yours directly.
(Tia rushes down L. and hands him a pistol)
TIA: Do Grandpapa.
PETER (shrinking): Hedda Gabler’s pistol.
TIA: One of them. Grandpapa take it and leave this contemptible world, with scorn upon your countenance and vine leaves in your hair. Oh, it is the one course still open to a brave man. (whispers) Archer’s version says that you here take the pistol —
PETER (sadly): So does Gosse’s.
(takes pistol)
DELIA: Look sharp Peter.
PETER: D’you know — I don’t like London —
TIA: Grandpapa. Do it gracefully —
DELIA: Oh, do it anyhow —
PETER: Patience, my dears. I — I am not used to this sort of thing — It’s — it’s got very warm don’t you think Delia? The — a — summer has come at last — Tia — eh?
TIA: Don’t aim so low down grandpapa (he aims above his head) nor so high up. Be graceful grandpapa — there are several good places.
DELIA: Any place is good enough so long as he can find a way in.
PETER: No Delia — I beg your pardon, but Tia makes a point of my doing it gracefully — with art —
TIA (eagerly ): The heart is a good place, a very good place.
PETER: Hedda’s pistol — Hedda’s.
TIA: The head(a) is a good place too —
DELIA (tapping him on the throat)’. This is a good place.
PETER: Here, Delia, (puts pistol to neck)
TIA: Lower Grandpapa, here, (taps his heart)
DELIA: Or here, (lifts pistol to his for
ehead)
TIA: Or here, (points pistol at stomach)
PETER: Hadn’t I better lie down first? it would be more graceful, Tia, than to fall afterwards — No! Very well then. I’ll do it when I say three — One — two — I say I have an idea — why shouldn’t you both come with me?
TIA: Why not?