by Unknown
BELL. Not when I ask you? (She follows and embraces him.)
KIT. I have just promised when I think you in the wrong to say so.
BELL. H’m! You know how ambitious I am. You will stand for Parliament?
KIT. I mean to.
BELL. But we are on different sides!
KIT. Pooh! Your politics only amuse me, dear.
BELL. Amuse you, Mr. Upjohn?
KIT. Forgive me. I suppose it would be better if we were of the same colour.
BELL. Fortunately that can easily be remedied.
KIT. You will join us, Bell?
BELL. Never! But you can join us.
KIT. Bell, how dare you ask me to —
BELL. HOW dare you ask me?
KIT. Pshaw! A woman’s politics!
BELL. Oh, very well!
KIT. You are unreasonable!
BELL. I!
KIT. Be serious, Bell.
BELL. You won’t let me. It is the last thing such men as you want of a woman. Your heart’s desire is a baby wife, to be fed on chocolates and has she been a good little girl to-day, and would she like another pretty bonnet to play with? Oh!
KIT. You are provoking!
BELL. YOU are masterful — and a bully!
KIT. I will be master in my own house —
BELL. But not of me.
KIT. You realise what you are saying, Bell? It is my dismissal.
BELL. If you will not listen to reason.
KIT. You bid me go?
BELL (after pause). Yes.
KIT (after looking at her). Very well. Goodbye. Please tell Mrs. Golightly that — that I have suddenly been recalled to London. (She bows.) I hope you will get abetter fellow than I. (She turns away her head.) Goodbye, I suppose it is better as it is. You and I could never — Bell, let us marry and risk it!
(She seems about to assent. Rushes into KIT’S arms.) They say a woman’s No often means Yes.
BELL (freezingly). It is a libel!
(He looks at her, raises his cap, and exits along bank.)
(On bank.) Oh! he cannot love me or he would never have gone away like that. I did not tell him to go!
(W. G. is heard shouting ‘Ship ahoy!’ The punt draws up.)
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Be cautious, W. G. (Boards.) Bell, W. G. declares he saw Mr. Upjohn walking along the bank.
BELL. He has been recalled to London.
W. G. By telegram?
BELL. Yes.
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. What a pity. We shall all miss him!
(Sounds of breakage.) Oh, listen to Penny smashing crockery for breakfast!
(Exit through saloon.)
W. G. (in the punt). Bell, I believe that telegram was just an excuse to let Upjohn get away. Have you been boring him again?
BELL. I — I hate him!
(W. G. comes on bank.)
W. G. Hallo! You are crying!
BELL. I’m not! (Sobs.)
W. G. (after whistling). Bell, I believe you’ve gone and got too fond of him! Oh, Cicero, you couldn’t expect Upjohn to fall in what-you-call-it with the like of you!
BELL. Don’t talk nonsense, I have rejected him.
W. G. You!
BELL. Why shouldn’t I?
W. G. Great Balbus, girl, why he made 121 against Notts. I say, I wonder what he saw in you? You are sure he wanted you? (BELL slaps his face and jumps into punt.) Then I’ll go after him!
BELL. No, I would rather die.
W. G. Than what?
BELL. Than seem to ask him back.
W. G. But you want him?
BELL. I don’t!
W. G. All right. (Is about to tie up punt.)
BELL (stiffly). You needn’t tie up the punt, I am — going out in it. (W. G. whistles.) Only to practise punting for a few minutes before breakfast.
W. G. You are going after him.
BELL. The idea! (Gets into punt.)
W. G. You are!
BELL. Nothing of the sort. If I chance to meet him and he — apologises — I — W. G., am I a girl who could run after any man? (Punts out of sight in direction taken by KIT.)
W. G. Balbus! I’m glad I’m a man. (Sits on plank.)
(Enter MRS. GOLIGHTLY through saloon with flowers which she puts on table.)
Bell has gone out in the punt, mater. How long till breakfast now?
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. A quarter of an hour at least, Penny has capsized the kettle.
(NANNY and ANDREW come into view on deck.)
W. G. I’m famishing! (MRS GOLIGHTLY, with knitting, follows him to stern.)
NANNY. Come and feed the swans, W. G. Such beauties!
W. G. Greedy beggars, they are always eating. (Goes on deck.)
NANNY. Are you not coming, Auntie?
MRS GOLIGHTLY. NO, dear, I have this to finish. (She sits on plank and knits.)
(W. G., NANNY, and ANDREW are on deck flinging bread overboard.)
NANNY. What long necks they have!
ANDREW. I should like to dissect them, W. G. Chuck a crust at that brute. Oh! did you see me hit him in the eye?
(SARAH enters along bank, and looking sharply into houseboat windows she jumps to see who are on deck. MRS. GOLIGHTLY looks up and sees her.)
SARAH. Good morning, ma’am. (Starts.)
MRS. GOLIGHTLY (wondering). Good morning, who are you?
SARAH. I’m from London.
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Yes?
SARAH. And outspoken. You don’t happen to have a villain on board?
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Gracious, no!
SARAH. I’ve tracked him from London to this neighbourhood.
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Who is he?
SARAH. Jasper Phipps by name, barber by trade, deceiver by nature.
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. What has he done?
SARAH. Didn’t turn up.
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Where?
SARAH. At the church door.
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. YOU were to be married to him?
SARAH. I was, yesterday, and I waited an hour. Then this letter is handed to me. He is a scholar, is Jasper. (Hands MRS. GOLIGHTLY a letter.)
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. ‘My dearest Sarah. You will be surprised at my not turning up to marry you, and I feel I owe you an apology.’ (Looks up) I should think he did! ‘First, my love, it is a startler to a man to wake up on his marriage morning and remember that in an hour he will be tied for life. Second, through shaving so many gents, I feel that I want to have a burst as one, myself. Sarah, it can only be done with the honeymoon money. Third, my sweet, I know a swell I am like in appearance, and I am going to pass for him, but he is a bachelor so it wouldn’t be proper to take you with me. Fourth, it would be more difficult for you than for me to look like a swell. Fifth, there is not enough money for two at any rate. Everything considered, dear Sarah, I have decided to have the honeymoon before the marriage, and to have It by myself. Then, my girl, when my week’s leave is up, I will come back and marry you. Fear not; I am staunch, and don’t follow me. Your affectionate Jasper. P.S. — I love you! I love you! I love you!’ The scoundrel!
SARAH. Nothing of the kind.
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. YOU said he was a villain yourself!
SARAH. I won’t let others miscall him.
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. YOU are well rid of him.
SARAH. I ain’t. I tell you I’ll find him yet.
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. And then what will you do?
SARAH. Be revenged! Marry him!
(Exit along bank.)
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Well, well, well!
(NANNY comes to top of ladder.)
NANNY. Bell, will you and Mr. Upjohn — why, Auntie, where are they? I thought I heard you talking to them.
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. No. Mr. Upjohn has been recalled to London and W. G. says Bell is out in the punt.
NANNY. Recalled to London! (Turning to w g.) DO you know about this?
W. G. (eating a crust). Yes. Upjohn went away in a huff, and Bell went after him.
NANNY. After him?
W. G. You see he asked her t
o be his —
NANNY (stopping him). Ahem! Mr. McPhail, please get me my straw hat from the saloon, (ANDREW nods and goes down to saloon.) Now, W. G., quick!
W. G. Upjohn asked her to be his thingummy —
NANNY. Yes?
W. G. And she wouldn’t, so he went away and she went after him.
NANNY. Oh, you silly! What does it all mean?
ANDREW (coming on deck with a hat and basket rather like each other). Miss O’Brien, I know one of these is your hat, and the other your basket, and I brought both, because I’m not sure which is which.
NANNY. Thanks. Take the basket back. W. G., I shall be miserable until I know what has happened, and Bell is so proud, she won’t tell me a word.
ANDREW (looking off). I see the punt.
NANNY. How many in it?
ANDREW. Two.
NANNY. Good! (Begins to descend ladder.)
W. G. No, three.
MRS. GOLIGHTLY (laying down knitting). Three? She went out alone.
ANDREW. Upjohn isn’t one of them.
NANNY. Ben is punting, W. G. But who is that chap sitting beside Bell?
NANNY. I never saw him before.
ANDREW. He is dripping wet!
W. G. So is Bell. There has been a spill!
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. An accident! (Goes into saloon.)
NANNY (running down ladder to her). I am afraid so, but she is safe, dear Auntie.
W. G. (hailing). Hi, what’s wrong?
BEN (invisible). She fell into the river.
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Bell!
(nanny supports her. The punt is drawn in ben is punting, jasper and bell, both very wet, are sitting.)
BELL (boarding and kissing MRS GOLIGHTLY). NO need for alarm, mother, I am drenched, that is all. (In saloon.)
BEN. But it was a near shave. If it hadn’t been for ‘im!
(Looking at JASPER who is modestly standing in bow, straw hat in hand.)
BELL. The punt shot away beneath me, leaving me clinging to the pole. I remember no more from that moment until I opened my eyes and found myself safe on the bank. Mother, this gentleman has saved my life.
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Oh, sir!
JASPER. Oh, it was nothing!
NANNY (aside). How modest! I wonder if he is married!
(Aloud) Bell, your teeth are chattering. Come inside, and change your things.
BELL. Ben, do tell them what you saw him do. Mother, Ben saw everything that happened while I was senseless in the water!
JASPER. I only jumped in and pulled her out. That was all.
(nanny and bell retire into saloon.)
NANNY (in saloon). Did you see Mr. Upjohn?
BELL. NO, I shall never see him again.
(Exeunt.)
BEN. It was this way, ma’am. The young lady, she falls into the water as she has told you. It was at a ticklish place just this side o’ the weir, and before you could say Jack Robinson, I sees her being carried towards it. Ma’am, my first thought was, she’s as good as a corpse, for I didn’t think there was a man in England could ha’ torn her out o’ that rush of water. But there was — this gentleman —
JASPER. Pooh!
ALL. Well! Well!
(NANNY returns and listens.)
BEN. I just sees him flash by me and jump into the water. It’s UP with both o’ them I thinks, for by the time he gripped her she were just on the point of being shot over the weir.
W. G. Balbus!
BEN. I shut my eyes, and when I dared look again, he had one arm around her and with the other he was fightin’ agin the current. Three times, ma’am, it tore him back and I cries, ‘Your only chance is to let her go.’ He just shook his head and fought on and on, and inch by inch he brought her nearer the bank, till they both fell on it senseless.
ANDREW. Great Scott!
W. G. What a brick!
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. How can I thank you, sir?
JASPER. Oh! It was nothing!
NANNY. Ask him to have something to drink, Auntie.
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. You will stay to breakfast, Mr. — eh —
JASPER. With pleasure. My name is Colonel Neil, at your service.
NANNY. The Colonel Neil? Africanus Neil!
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Colonel Neil, the African explorer?
ANDREW. Whose name is in all the papers?
JASPER. The same, but I only did my duty in Africa!
(ANDREW exits.)
W. G. Great Caius and Balbus! (NANNY goes on to ladder.)
Colonel Neil, will you let me feel your muscles? (Feels them and then runs into saloon, shouting) Bell, he’s Neil, Africanus Neil!
(Exit.)
NANNY.. Auntie, Bell wants you.
(Exit MRS. GOLIGHTLY through saloon.)
NANNY. Colonel Neil, you are a hero and I could kiss you.
(JASPER hastening to her.)
If I were Bell! (Goes up ladder — to herself) He is a bachelor — and yet I don’t know — a married man might have wanted to do it too! (Sits on deck.)
JASPER (rubbing his hands gleefully). Oh, this is better than the shop! (Is about to go on bank.)
BEN (still in punt). A word with you, Colonel Neil.
JASPER (assuming a high and mighty air). Well?
BEN. What does this ‘ere rum go mean?
JASPER. It’s all right, Ben. Go away.
BEN.’Tain’t all right, ain’t I lied till my throat’s dry?
JASPER. I paid you.
BEN. What for did you want to pretend as you saved the gal’s life? You knows as well as I that she fell into two feet of water, and I pulled her out with a boat hook.
JASPER. Quite right.
BEN. But she was senseless with fright, and before she come to, you made up them whoppers about saving her life, and teached me to say them; and now I ‘ave said them, what for?
JASPER. Half a sov., Ben.
BEN. To make her think she had nearly been swept over the weir, you got me to carry her to the edge of it, what for?
JASPER. Five bob.
BEN. And then you got me to fling some mud and water at you, so as you should look like one as had been swimming in his clothes. (Wringing out clothes.) Look here, Guv’nor, what for did you bring me into this?’Ow couldn’t yer tell your own lies?
JASPER. A gentleman doesn’t brag about himself, Ben. And so I paid you to brag for me.
BEN. What are you going to do now?
JASPER. Enjoy myself.
BEN. Blest if I believe you ‘re the Colonel chap you says you are.
JASPER. YOU can’t prove I’m not, Ben.
BEN. Are you?
JASPER. I feel as if I was. (Sits.)
(Cuckoo calls three times.)
BEN. Do you hear that? I tell you what, I believe you ‘re the cuckoo in the hen’s nest and that’s your mate acalling to you.
(Cuckoo once.)
There, it’s indignant it is. You see if it don’t come aboard and claim you yet!
NANNY (looking down). You are not going away, Ben. I want you to tell us of Colonel Neil’s bravery again and again.
JASPER. It was nothing. (To BEN) Crack me up!
BEN. Well, you see, Miss, she was drifting to the weir —
JASPER. Desist, Ben. (To BEN) Keep it up!
(MRS. GOLIGHTLY enters on deck.)
BEN. When sudden like this brave gentleman —
PENNY (entering). Tea or coffee, sir?
JASPER. Both! (To BEN) Cut!
BEN. I’ll be saying ‘morning,’ ma’am, if you can lend me the punt. Curious, ma’am, as some should be so wet when others is so dry!