by Unknown
NANNY. Stop! Where is Mr. McPhail?
W. G. Hi, McPhail!
(ANDREW enters. He is now dressed in frock-coat, silk hat, etc., with stethoscope sticking conspicuously out of his pocket. He walks with professional air.)
Oh, Balbus! look at him!
ANDREW. I see nothing to laugh at!
NANNY. Nor I.
ANDREW. But I am not coming with you. It wouldn’t be professional to play cricket, and a physician must attend to medical etiquette.
NANNY. DO come!
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. DO!
ANDREW. No.
JASPER. Come, though you don’t play. There may be accidents, and a leg to set, or some stumps to draw.
ANDREW. Ha! (Enters punt.)
JASPER. Stop! (Gets out of punt — takes hat and puts in drawer in cabin, returns to punt and exit.)
(W. G. punts off, NANNY playing banjo. Punt disappears to) —
O’er the swiftly flowing tide, Gaily we row the boat along, We wake the echoes far and wide With laughter and with song. Yeo ho, yeo ho, We gaily row, Gaily we row the boat along, We wake the echoes far and wide With laughter and with song.
(After a pause enter SARAH along bank. She is looking about her suspiciously.)
SARAH (sitting on bank). Oh, Jasper Phipps, if I could only find you, wouldn’t I comb your hair for you.
(The cuckoo is heard.)
JASPER. Damn that cuckoo!
SARAH (starts to her feet). Jasper’s voice — he’s on board this boat. (Has almost gone off.) He is found! Found, found! (Assumes fighting position and cries) Jasper Phipps, hi!
(Getting no answer, she looks about her. Then rushes into saloon, then into JASPER’S bedroom, where she sees his clothes, cries)
His wedding clothes!
(Folds them up, runs with them, reappears, runs through saloon with them, cries)
He is gone! (Runs on deck, cries) But he must come back.
(Puts clothes on lap, on deck, cries) I’ll wait!
(Sits down on chair determinedly, with arms folded.)
ACT III
EVENING, moonlight. The houseboat is precisely as when curtain fell on Act II, except that Sarah is now asleep in her chair on deck. From a distance is heard a piano with whistling accompaniment. Light splashes, as if of water rats, rustling in branches and ‘wheep wheep’ of birds settling to sleep. Next the sound of oars and a Cockney voice, ‘Look where you’re shoving your blooming canoe.’ A shadowy boat with one light goes by, a bat flaps about, and disappears. A distant clock strikes nine. Next a punt passes, containing a male and female figure. Man exclaims, ‘My darling, let us glide on like this for ever and ever!’ The woman answers, ‘But what would mamma say?’ Then someone is heard singing a verse of a song.
DISTANCE. The singing fades away into distance, then the sound of punting.
(KIT and BEN enter on bank.)
BEN. Here we are, Mr. Upjohn, but you see they ain’t back yet! Hi! no, there’s not a soul aboard!
KIT (boarding). I’ll wait for them, Ben! They must be back for supper presently!
BEN. I dunno, Mr. Upjohn. Penny, the servant gal, says as them are late for everything since the Colonel came. You have heard on him, sir?
KIT. I heard of him at the Inn!
BEN. He saved the young lady’s life — he did!
KIT. So I was told! (Sits on plank.) But why should that make them late for everything?
BEN. Penny says it’s because he do have such a way with him! (Lights lamp in bow.)
KIT. The dickens he has!
BEN. It has even softened Penny, and I dunno as I ever knew a gal less easy to soften. You never seed him, sir?
KIT. Never, but I know him by reputation!
BEN. He wouldn’t let them put it in the papers about his saving the young lady’s life!
KIT. Too modest, I suppose!
BEN. Modest! Yes, he is very modest is the Colonel! Gets quite riled, sir, when I praised him for his gallant action.
(On to plank — curiously) Come here, sir, for another holiday?
KIT. That depends!
BEN. Going to stay long, sir?
KIT. You are inquisitive, Ben!
BEN. Yes, sir. Heard from any of the young ladies, sir, how they have been getting on here since you left?
KIT (sharply). No!
BEN. Thought not, sir, they have been that busy with the Colonel!
KIT. Eh?
BEN. He do have dizzy fits, sir, and needs to lean on the ladies.
KIT. He has? Phew!
BEN. Yes, sir, that’s what I think too!
KIT. What?
BEN. What you expressed just now in that whistle, sir.
(KIT goes agitatedly to door of saloon and BEN speaks to himself.)
He’s a deep one is that there Colonel — Colonel! — but I’m not the kind to split on them as pays up. (Aloud) Good night, Mr. Upjohn!
(Exits along bank.)
KIT (in bow). Good night. Confound Ben! he makes me quite uncomfortable. Though this Neil has saved her life, he can’t have carried her by storm in a week — impossible! Wonder if she told them the real reason why I went away? I fancy not! Hallo! I am smoking and Bell dislikes it! Never again! (Flings cigar into water and sighs.) After all, it is an objectionable habit!
(Produces cigar case, and flings away another cigar — SIGHS.)
Making a chimney of one’s nose! (Lights a cigar, SARAH wakes up, shivers, and wraps trousers round her neck and sleeps.)
It will be no deprivation to me — none at all. (Takes cigar out of his mouth and looks at it.) How did this come about? (Flings it away and sighs.) Bell will be pleased. (Takes another cigar from case.) This is the last. (Makes as if to fling it away.) It — it seems to stick to my fingers! (Sound of singing in distance — rises and goes to bow.) I hear their voices! They are coming back! Bell is coming! (Looks from cigar to place whence singing comes.) Bell — cigar — cigar — Bell. (Falters, then flings cigar into river, tries to catch it, misses, groans.) It is nothing to give up smoking for the girl one loves!
(The singing ceases and punt draws up, all ablaze with coloured lights and the hood is on.)
W. G. Hallo! NANNY. You’ve come back?
BELL (faintly). Mr. Upjohn!
(Exclamations of surprise from all.)
KIT. A surprise visit, Mrs. Golightly. I found I could take two days, and here I am!
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. So glad to see you again!
(W. G. gets out and goes at once to bank and begins to light up lanterns, KIT helps NANNY out, who goes into saloon.
MRS. GOLIGHTLY remains outside, NANNY lights up inside, BELL gets out and talks to KIT in well. She then goes in saloon, JASPER and ANDREW still in punt tying up. Introduction of KIT. ANDREW goes on bank.)
KIT (drawing BELL aside). Bell dear!
BELL. Oh, why did you come?
KIT. Didn’t you want me?
BELL. Yes — no — why did you go away?
KIT. You can’t mean —
BELL. Not before them all! (Goes into saloon.)
MRS. GOLIGHTLY (who has been speaking to JASPER while NANNY is with ANDREW). Mr. Upjohn, let me introduce you to Colonel Neil, who saved Bell’s life! (Goes into saloon.)
JASPER. It was nothing!
(JASPER and KIT shake hands.)
KIT. It was a great deal. I seem to know your face, Colonel Neil, and yet I cannot remember —
ANDREW. Upjohn, look here!
(KIT goes to ANDREW.)
JASPER. I have shaved him often!
(Exit to bedroom.)
NANNY. Auntie, I am dying to speak with you! Did you see how white she turned?
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Bell? I suppose she was surprised to see him!
NANNY. Auntie, don’t you understand? They quarrelled, and he has come back to make it up!
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Bell is so secretive!
NANNY. You saw how she ran away from him?
MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Girls don’t run from the man they
love!
NANNY. Oh, don’t they? Sure, can’t he run after them?
(Exit MRS. GOLIGHTLY and NANNY.)
KIT. So that you are now a full-fledged medical man. I congratulate you, old fellow!
ANDREW. Oh, I was always sure I should pass, hadn’t the least anxiety about it. Have a cigar? (Hands him case.)
KIT. Thanks. (He is about to take it, but draws back.)
No, I mean. I have given up smoking. It doesn’t agree with me.
ANDREW. Ha! Heart? Liver? Pains here? (Taps KIT’S chest.) I’ll go over him tomorrow with the stethoscope.
(Exits.)
JASPER (with lighted candle in bedroom). I have not only shaved him — I have cut him!
KIT (at bow). What can she mean? It cannot be that I am too late!
BELL (at saloon). Oh, how is it that love and respect seem to be such different things!
JASPER. This houseboat is getting too hot for me. I’ll pack and be ready to bolt. I would have bolted this afternoon but those two girls never took their eyes off me!
BELL. Oh, that the Colonel had been content with sisterly regard!
JASPER. She took me up wrong! I only proposed to be her brother! (Proceeds to pack.)
BELL. But he loves me so!
JASPER. But she was that keen about it!
BELL. Kit — Kit!
JASPER. I wish I was back with Sarah! I wonder where Sarah is now!
(SARAH moves.)
W. G. I say, Upjohn, what a pity you didn’t come back in time for the match! The men played with broomsticks, you know, but I was in tremendous form. I lifted Nanny twice clear over the pavilion!
KIT. Did you? W. G., tell your sister quietly that I want to speak with her — quietly, remember!
W. G. All right — Bell! Bell! Upjohn wants you I bell. Oh, what can I say to him?
JASPER (who has been packing). Funny thing I can’t see my best clothes anywhere! (Looks for them.)
(Exit, bell leaves saloon and goes to bow, W. G., lying on plank, sits down and whistles, bell and kit look at him.)
BELL. W. G. dear, go up and light the deck lanterns, W. G. There’s no hurry!
KIT (pause). I have something to say to your sister, W. G.
W. G. All right — fire away!
(NANNY enters saloon.)
BELL. But alone, W. G.
W. G. Don’t mind me!
(They look at him helplessly.)
ANDREW (entering saloon). Miss O’Brien, do you know what I have been thinking? I have been thinking that I should like to have you for my first patient.
NANNY. But I am quite well!
ANDREW. Hum! I am not so sure of that! Have we had any headaches lately? (She nods.) Ha I has our appetite been — (She shakes head.) Quite so. Let me see your tongue. (She sits down and he feels her pulse, gets paper and writes a prescription, all in quiet by-play.)
KIT. W. G., just before you came back, I saw a big fish jump over there — beneath the willow!
W. G. Balbus!
(Seizes fishingrod and exits along bank.)
KIT. Bell — (She points to saloon.)
ANDREW (handing prescription). Three times a day, Miss O’Brien, on a piece of sugar and we shall soon be all right!
NANNY (curtseys). Thank you, doctor!
(KIT signs to NANNY. She goes to him, he whispers to her, she takes ANDREW by the coat and exits.)
BELL. Oh, Mr. Upjohn, why have you come back? (On bow.)
KIT. Are you not pleased to see me, Bell? (Sits on ladder.)
BELL. Why did you not come sooner?
KIT. I seem to have come too soon!
BELL. Why did you ever go away?
KIT. You bade me.
BELL. No — no!
KIT. But, Bell, here I am at any rate, come back and humbled, dear, to ask you to be my wife!
BELL. Kit — you are too late!
KIT. What — Neil has — ?
BELL. Yes, and I accepted him!
KIT. Bell!
BELL. Pity me, Kit!
KIT. Why should I pity you?
BELL. Oh, Kit, he saved my life! and he — he has precisely my views on every question of the day. I felt that he and I must have been made for each other. I felt that love, if it is a worthy thing, must be a matter not of mere sensation, but of judgment, and I drew up a paper to see, by the light of reason, whether I loved him or you. He got 90 per cent, for politeness, and you only got 50. For sweetness of disposition he had 80 to your 40. He got 85 for hard work, and you 30, and for largeness of view on the question of the sexes he had 100 to your 10. His total was 335 and yours 130. So I felt that I must prefer him, and oh! I wish that I had never learned logic!
(She cowers, sits, and he looks reproachfully at her.)
JASPER (looks out window). I’m wasting time looking for those clothes, and, after all, why should I cut the honeymoon short? I suppose now that Upjohn is her brother. I wonder if he would change places with me? But no — she wouldn’t let him!
KIT. Damn logic!
BELL. Yes, yes!
KIT. Then you do love me, Bell?
BELL. Yes, but —
KIT. It is not too late.
BELL. Is it not, Kit? None of the others know.
KIT. I will appeal to him to set you free!
JASPER. I’ll go to her and tell her flat that she took me up wrong!
KIT. He is too much a man to insist on keeping you to your promise!
BELL. He is noble! But it will crush him, Kit!
JASPER. I could break it to her gently, and I will, too!
KIT. Go on deck, dear, until I have spoken to him. None of the others are there, are they?
BELL. No, there is no one on deck.
KIT. Then wait for me there. (She is about to do so) Or get into the punt and push off a little!
BELL. Yes. (Gets into punt.)
KIT. And Bell, prove that your mind is made up at last by repeating the words I used.
BELL. What words?
KIT. Damn logic!
BELL. Oh!
KIT. Logic has been the curse of our love. Bell, say it and be free!
BELL. I can’t say it!
KIT. Yes, say it!
(She hesitates, then whispers in his ear.)
Good!
(She pushes off in punt and he watches her.)
And now for the poor Colonel!
JASPER. I’ll tell her I was dizzy at the time!
(Leaves bedroom and comes to bow. KIT leaves bow to come to jasper. They meet in saloon.) I want to speak with Miss Golightly.
KIT. With me first, Colonel Neil, please.
JASPER. I wanted Miss Golightly! (Sits.)
KIT. And I want her also!
JASPER (turning back). Eh?
KIT. Colonel Neil, I have something to say that will give you great pain.
JASPER (aside). Has he remembered where he saw me before?
KIT. You are a brave man!
JASPER. No, he hasn’t!
KIT. And you saved Miss Golightly’s life!
JASPER. It was nothing.
KIT. Nothing, I believe, to what I have now to ask of you. Miss Golightly has told me of your engagement to her.
JASPER. Mr. Upjohn, I never thought she would accept me — if —
KIT. You are too modest. But you know, sir, young girls often mistake their feelings, especially when they have cause for gratitude and — (Turning into bow) — and, in short, Miss Golightly has made such a mistake!
JASPER. What? (Rises, and follows into bow.)
KIT. She has commissioned me to ask you to surrender your claims to her hand. (Sits on bow.)