by Unknown
CAPTAIN R. Tosh!
TOVEY. But listen; the bell again! Here’s another who has been asked too early.
CAPTAIN R. LET US HOPE IT IS A MAN.
TOVEY. I hear the swish of skirts. Bobbin, with perfect confidence, I leave you to do the honours.
CAPTAIN R. As you love me, no!
TOVEY. I must scoot.
CAPTAIN R. (intercepting him). You are placing me IN A horrible position! No humour — too much humour — public speaker who spills her things, but I mustn’t lift them up for her. A Very woman of the clinging kind — a mother and nothing else — a coquette — and a murderess who broke an engagement to meet me. How am I to know which this one is?
TOVEY (as he glides past him). Be a sportsman, my gallant tar, and find out.
(captain rattray is meditating an escape on to the leads when the maid shows in leonora leonora is an unspeakable darling; and this is all the guidance that can be given to the lady playing her. She grasps the situation and bows charmingly captain rattray’s awkwardness makes a good impression on her.)
LEONORA. I suppose Mrs. TOVEY hasn’t yet —
CAPTAIN R. Perhaps I ought to explain —
(They have spoken simultaneously.)
CAPTAIN R. I beg your pardon.
LEONORA. You were saying?
CAPTAIN R. No, you.
LEONORA. Please — if I did not know this room —
CAPTAIN R. The fact is that Mr. TOVEY —
(They are at it again; this nonsense puts them on easier terms.)
CAPTAIN R. I fancy you must be in the same predicament as myself. I have arrived to dinner half an hour too soon.
LEONORA. I was asked for eight o’clock.
CAPTAIN R. And I. But it was a mistake. Dinner is at eight-thirty.
LEONORA. Oh dear!
CAPTAIN R. Mr. TOVEY has just told me. He isn’t sure whether the same mistake has been made with the others or not.
LEONORA. I see. How horrid of us (sitting that he may do so also, one of the most excellent things in woman).
CAPTAIN R. But it isn’t our fault.
LEONORA. That is true. Still, how horrid of us.
(It strikes him that she must be that inconsequential delight to memory dear, the Very woman.)
CAPTAIN R. (enlightened). Ha!
LEONORA (arrested). What?
CAPTAIN R. YOU know, that is just what my mother would have said in the same circumstances. Perhaps I should say that my name is Rattray.
LEONORA. I was sure of it. If I may say so, we are all proud of Captain Rattray.
CAPTAIN R. (rushing her off the gangway). Oh, please don’t. I did nothing. (Smiling) I flatter myself I know something about you also.
LEONORA (curious). You do? About me? What?
CAPTAIN R. (with the modest self-satisfaction that comes to the discriminating). I have found it out since you came into the room.
LEONORA. But how uncanny. I’m listening.
CAPTAIN R. I have found out that you are a Very woman.
LEONORA. What is that?
CAPTAIN R. (comprehensively). Ah!
LEONORA. Do tell me.
CAPTAIN R. (reflecting). I suppose it is a man’s phrase.
LEONORA. That is why I want to know what it means?
CAPTAIN R. (in deep waters). A Very woman is — is — well, she is a clinging woman. All sailors like clinging women.
LEONORA. Do they? What do they like them to cling to?
CAPTAIN R. As to that — (his snotties would enjoy seeing him now) — I am afraid I seem very stupid. You see, for more than a year I have scarcely spoken to a woman.
LEONORA (sympathetic). Constant practice is everything in speaking. I could always speak fairly fluently in committees and so on. But in the Albert Hall —
CAPTAIN R. (in consternation). You don’t mean — politics?
LEONORA. Oh yes, why not? Is anything wrong?
CAPTAIN R. (depressed). Nothing.
(Her handkerchief falls. He is about to pick it up when he remembers that politicians don’t like this.)
May I?
LEONORA. Not if it is too much trouble. (She picks it up herself.)
CAPTAIN R. I am awfully sorry. The fact is, you gave me a little shock just now.
LEONORA. I did? How? Perhaps I am not the woman you thought me after all?
CAPTAIN R. No, you are not.
(He is so lugubrious that she laughs.)
LEONORA. You had better give me up, Captain Rattray.
CAPTAIN R. Not I.
(She raises her eyebrows at his audacity.)
LEONORA (changing the subject). Mrs. TOVEY has a dear house, don’t you think?
CAPTAIN R. (looking about him for the first time). Yes, very. Some pretty things here.
LEONORA. Aren’t there? But the real treasures, of course, are the two lovelies on the top floor of the house.
captain R. (mildly surprised). Oh?
LEONORA (explanatory). In the room where the night-lights are.
CAPTAIN R. (who has forgotten domesticity). Night-lights?
LEONORA. Haven’t you been up?
CAPTAIN R. On the top floor? No.
LEONORA. I thought you were an old school friend of Mr. TOVEY?
CAPTAIN R. I am.
LEONORA. And he didn’t rush you to the top of the house? To the two rooms where the large fireguards are?
CAPTAIN R. No; what are the fireguards for?
LEONORA. To prevent them falling into the fire, of course.
CAPTAIN R. Whom? Jack and his wife?
LEONORA. Oh, I shall never understand men!
CAPTAIN R. I can’t quite — what is it that Jack TOVEY keeps at the top floor of the house?
LEONORA (reproachfully). Oh, Captain Rattray, his pretty things.
CAPTAIN R. (dense). Yes, I see — I didn’t even know that he was a collector. But what a rum place to keep them.
(He sees she is shocked.)
Excuse me, I have been such a long time at sea.
LEONORA (shocked). Captain Rattray, were you never kept on the top floor?
CAPTAIN R. Only when I was a chicken. (Daylight reaches him.) You don’t mean to say that Inky Paws — Jack TOVEY — that he — ?
LEONORA (nodding delightedly). Yes, two! A boy and a girl.
CAPTAIN R. A boy and a girl? (He is in touch with her at last.) That is the best joke I have heard since I came back.
LEONORA. Joke?
CAPTAIN R. Well, isn’t it?
LEONORA (wounded). Mrs. TOVEY’s babies are a joke, are they? I can tell you another joke, Captain Rattray.
(Haughtily) I also am a — collector.
CAPTAIN R. You?
LEONORA. It is funny, isn’t it!
CAPTAIN R. (contritely). Do forgive me. Somehow I — didn’t think of you as a mother.
LEONORA (to whom this is still more dreadful). You didn’t think — Captain Rattray, I could forgive you a good deal, but I will never forgive you that. (She is about to step out on to the leads.)
CAPTAIN R. (desperate). I could eat my hat.
LEONORA (freezingly). Not before me, please.
CAPTAIN R. I say, I wasn’t speaking against mothers. I think there is nothing like them.
LEONORA (perhaps a little unfairly). You said I didn’t deserve to be one.
CAPTAIN R. (stung). I did not.
LEONORA. You needn’t bark. (She melts easily.) Surely you might have guessed.
CAPTAIN R. IT WAS DENSE OF ME.! CAN SEE IT NOW CLEARLY ENOUGH.
LEONORA. Oh?
CAPTAIN R. It is written all over you.
LEONORA (rather tart). I don’t think it is so obvious as that.
CAPTAIN R. No, indeed — that is, whatever you prefer. I say, do let me down softly.
LEONORA (smiling divinely). That was almost like Harry! CAPTAIN R. (grumpily). Was it?
LEONORA (softly). He is my son.
CAPTAIN R. (relieved). A gorgeous fellow, I’ll be bound.
(Cunningly) Tell me about him.
LEONORA (tremulously). You wouldn’t really care to know CAPTAIN R. I would indeed. It may seem strange to you —
LEONORA. Oh, no.
CAPTAIN R. How old is he?
LEONORA. Fourteen and two months.
CAPTAIN R. What a ripper.
LEONORA. He is at school.
CAPTAIN R. Well done.
LEONORA. He is in the O.T.C.
CAPTAIN R. Of course he is.
LEONORA. I had a letter from him to-day — he says — (It is evidently in the bodice of her gown.)
captain R. Nothing wrong, I hope?
LEONORA (in a flood of emotion). He — he — he wants me to send him a razor.
CAPTAIN R. (wildly sympathetic). The ass — the ungrateful booby — the —
LEONORA (flaming up). How can you! You — Oh you man.
CAPTAIN R. (hurriedly). It is myself I mean, not him. Besides, you were almost crying, as if he had hurt you.
LEONORA. Harry hurt me! Don’t you see how splendid it is?
CAPTAIN R. Rather! I say, do let me send Harry his first razor.
LEONORA (pleased). Oh, no.
CAPTAIN R. After all, I must know more about razors than you do. Other subjects — but razors?
LEONORA (in HARRY’S interest). That must be true, of course.
CAPTAIN R. Leave it to me.
LEONORA. Something suitable. He is five feet FIVE AND rather fair.
CAPTAIN R. I’ll get that kind.
LEONORA. And — and please — rather a blunt one.
CAPTAIN R. (admiring her). I believe you would try it on yourself if that would be any help to Harry.
LEONORA. Of course I would.
CAPTAIN R. May I ask, how many children have you?
LEONORA (nervously, to do her justice). Would you think six a large number?
CAPTAIN R. Six?
(He is a little shaken and loses favour in her eyes.)
LEONORA (with one look putting the dastard in his place). Oh, you would?
CAPTAIN R. (recklessly). Not at all. (Suddenly seeing which of the women this is) Ha!
LEONORA. What is it now?
CAPTAIN R. (the solution found). A mother and nothing else!
LEONORA. I beg your pardon.
CAPTAIN R. It is A — a quotation. Mr. TOVEY told me there is a lady dining here tonight who is a mother and nothing else.
LEONORA. What an odd way OF putting it.! WONDER who SHE can BE?
CAPTAIN R. I wonder!
LEONORA. I never met a woman of whom that could be said.
CAPTAIN R. I have.
LEONORA. Nice?
CAPTAIN R. Distinctly.
(She accidentally drops her bag and he picks it up at once.)
LEONORA. Quicker than last time.
CAPTAIN R. (who could kick himself for being so long in getting at it). I didn’t know you then. (He keeps the bag in his hand.)
LEONORA. Yes, it is a nice bag.
CAPTAIN R. (thoughtfully). Ha!
LEONORA. I won it last Christmas.
CAPTAIN R. Won it?
LEONORA. Yes, it was one of the prizes at a fancy-dress dance.
(He is aghast. Is she the mother and nothing else after all?)
CAPTAIN R. Were you in fancy dress?
LEONORA. Yes. I went as a Bacchante.
CAPTAIN R. You did!
LEONORA. I thought it would suit me. Don’t you think so?
CAPTAIN R. I dare say. (He gives her back the bag and draws his hand across his brow.)
LEONORA (feeling that he disapproves). Don’t you like dancing?
CAPTAIN R. Oh yes — but — yes, immensely.
LEONORA. I adore it. But your woman wouldn’t dance?
CAPTAIN R. My woman?
LEONORA. The one who is a mother and nothing else.
CAPTAIN R. I had forgotten her. No, not as a Bacchante, she — and for a moment I thought that you — (As he looks at her a not entirely welcome idea strikes him.) Would you mind my telling you a funny story?
LEONORA (surprised). I should love it.
CAPTAIN R. (placing a chair for her in the manner of the conjurer).! OUGHT to explain first that I am telling it you with a purpose.
LEONORA. How odd, a funny story with a purpose!
CAPTAIN R. (with foreboding). The fact is, the way you take it will tell me something about you.
LEONORA (astounded). It will?
CAPTAIN R. If you would rather I didn’t —
LEONORA. Do go On.
CAPTAIN R. Well, it was at a dinner-party the other night. Perhaps you know the story.
LEONORA. I don’t recognise it so far.
CAPTAIN R. A lady dining there had talked mostly to the man who took her in; she had scarcely looked at the man on her other side who was quite young, but extremely bald. Toward the end of dinner, however, he stooped to pick up his napkin —
LEONORA. The bald man?
CAPTAIN R. Yes.
LEONORA (excitedly). I feel sure we are coming to the thing that is to tell you so much about me.
CAPTAIN R. (a little excited himself). Well, we are.
LEONORA. How you are watching me!
CAPTAIN R. I can’t help it. She turned as he stooped, and seeing nothing but his bald head — it was rather yellow, too — she thought it was fruit being handed round by a servant, and she said: ‘No, no melon, thank you.’ (He looks anxiously at her.)
LEONORA. And didn’t she?
CAPTAIN R. Didn’t she what?
LEONORA. Didn’t she have any melon?
CAPTAIN R. (heavily). I don’t know. I believe not.
LEONORA. Well?
CAPTAIN R. That’s all.
LEONORA. Oh! (Politely) What a good story. (Suddenly suspicious) But it can’t tell you anything about me?
CAPTAIN R. Indeed it does.
LEONORA. Tell me.
CAPTAIN R. Never. But I’ll tell you something else now. Before Mr. TOVEY hurried away to dress he told me something about each of the ladies who is coming to dinner, but not their names, and all this time I have been trying to find out which of them you are.
LEONORA. The creature! And which one am I?
CAPTAIN R. I have just found out. I went wrong several times.
LEONORA. Do tell me.
CAPTAIN R. Not I.
LEONORA. At least tell me who the others are. I may know them.
CAPTAIN R. I won’t tell you the ones I mistook for you, but I’ll tell you the ones I knew from the first you couldn’t be.
LEONORA. Yes, do.
CAPTAIN R. One is A LADY with too much sense of humour.
LEONORA. Let me think.
CAPTAIN R. I’m glad you ‘re not that one.
LEONORA. I wonder if I am?
CAPTAIN R. (with conviction). No, I know you are not.
LEONORA. It is that horrid melon that has put you against me.
CAPTAIN R. I am not at all against you. Then there is another lady who is a coquette.
LEONORA (with considerable interest). Tell me every word the man said about her.
CAPTAIN R. He said: ‘She is the most audacious flirt of my acquaintance.’ Can you place her?
LEONORA. No. Are there any more?
CAPTAIN R. That was all. Ah, well, he mentioned one other, but that was only his fun.
LEONORA. Still tell me.
CAPTAIN R. He said there was a murderess coming.
(She remembers a certain story of Master Jack’s.)