"I don't know what to say or how to act," I admitted. May as well tell the truth—I was out of my element, and that could be proven at any moment.
"You'll have officer training at Secondary Camp," Kerok said. I watched his hands as he broke a roll apart to butter it.
"Thank you," I whispered to nobody in particular.
Armon snickered; Kerok smiled slightly. Levi wore a face-encompassing grin.
"Eat your food—it'll get cold," Kerok tapped his butter knife against my plate.
Lifting my own butter knife, I broke my roll in half. Armon slid the butter dish in my direction. As a trainee, I'd gotten one small pat of butter at breakfast, just like everyone else.
This dish was full of butter, and I wanted to weep at the largesse.
"I think she likes butter," Levi said as I scraped butter across both halves of my roll and bit into a half with a sigh of pleasure.
"Butter and milk are scarce, and," I shrugged before taking another bite.
"And what?" Levi asked.
"They don't waste a lot of food feeding those who are only going to die anyway."
Kerok frowned and cleared his throat.
"What about your lessons? You're better at written answers and such than the rest of those here," Armon said.
"Hmmph. You can credit Pottles. Or blame her, if you want. My mother was dead. Pottles didn't care that my wrist was tattooed. She taught me a lot, and since she was blind, I'd read things to her from my school books. If I have good writing skills, it's because she corrected many mistakes when I was young."
"A blind woman?" Armon asked.
"She was the only friend I had. Everybody else went out of their way to avoid me."
"Because of the tattoo?"
"Like I had a terrible disease they were afraid of catching," I said. "I can't speak for any of the other girls, but I worry their experiences may be similar. If not for Pottles, I may have starved to death. She taught me how to cook by describing things to me, and I always shared her meal when it was done."
"What about your father?" Kerok asked.
"He ignored me, most of the time. My mother was dead already when the Diviner's tattoo artist marked me. After that, Father had no time or use for me. I could have disappeared and he wouldn't have cared."
"What would you change if you could, about your early life?" Kerok asked.
"I'd have asked to be taken and taught by a competent instructor much earlier," I said. "I'd never suggest marking children as young as two, either. Send the Diviner when they are eight, perhaps, and then take them then, to begin their education."
"Sounds like a lot of work," Levi said.
"At least there would be others like them in their classes, and they wouldn't be singled out as not worth feeding or educating," I said. "I may as well have been a ghost, except for Pottles."
"Where is she now?" Armon asked.
"Dead. She died eight months before the truck came to collect me."
"I'm sorry to hear that," Levi mumbled.
"Eat," Kerok reminded me.
I cut into my sausages and eggs.
"I f you want, you can sit with your friends," Kerok told me. While we'd had breakfast, the cohorts had filed in, eaten and then waited to have their lists taken up.
Armon and Levi joined Nina, Ana and Miri at the head table at the other end of the mess hall, so they could announce choices and mark names off lists.
"Thank you." I left his side, heading toward the table where Wend, Caral, Jae and the others sat.
A flurry of whispers ran through black roses at other tables as I scooted onto the bench between Wend and Caral. Both hugged me while Jae, sitting on the opposite side, reached out to squeeze my hand.
My sigh of relief was silent; I worried that they'd treat me differently after being chosen by Kerok, who turned out to be the King's son and Prince Commander of the army.
"Before we begin with the lists," Ana announced, "We have a few promotions to announce. Those among you who will be designated as new officers will receive special training at Secondary Camp."
A hush went through the crowd of black roses. I'd been shocked by my elevation; it was evident that others would be as well.
"Named to the rank of Corporal are the following black rose troops," Ana went on. "Wend, Jae, Bera and Neka."
I clapped and cheered with the others at the announcement.
"As all of you saw yesterday, Sherra has been promoted to the rank of Captain. We have one other promotion to announce besides hers. Caral will be trained as a Lieutenant in the Prince Commander's army."
I whooped and hugged Caral, who appeared stunned at the news.
K erok
I watched everything from the back of the room. Before the choices were announced, the warriors filed in; Levi had stepped away to bring them. While they were still separated from the black rose troops, they'd have dinner with them tonight. Tomorrow, we'd head for Secondary Camp, sleeping arrangements would be sorted and the warrior-trainers would keep a close eye on the women, to ensure that they were treated properly.
I'd be leveling a sentence against any warrior who didn't follow the rules and the unwritten codes.
My eyes strayed to Sherra often, as I was curious how she'd react to the others' choices.
I hoped greatly that Caral would have the opportunity to choose Levi or Armon—she was suited to them and was a born leader—I'd pushed for her promotion, even with her demerits. She was officer material if I'd ever seen it.
It would also make it easier to fit into the dynamic formed by Levi and Armon as my trusted advisors at the battlefront.
The fact that she was good friends with Sherra didn't hurt, either. Sherra would need someone to lean on, when I couldn't or wouldn't be available.
Therefore, I hoped she'd take one of the two, and relieve my worries.
"The first warrior taken by Wend, who holds first place in the rankings, is Lieutenant Marc."
My shoulders relaxed slightly. Marc was an excellent choice, and I could see those two working together. He'd participated in the training much of the time, hadn't laughed at trainee failures and was more than helpful. He was usually passed over for a more handsome alternative.
Wend hadn't allowed a pretty face to sway her decision.
I watched Marc, then, who raised his arms in victory from his seat, while those around him slapped his back and congratulated him. To be chosen first was an honor and he knew it.
Other choices were made, then. I was happy to see Sherra's closest friends making well-considered choices—warriors who would protect and care for them. We were shocked, however, when Misten chose Levi. He'd been overjoyed and beamed at her as she shyly waved at him from her seat.
Then it was down to the last few roses. Caral was one of those, because of her demerits.
She'd have been ranked first after Sherra, without them.
Armon was still among the warriors waiting to be chosen. My body tensed as Ana began to read.
"Caral chooses Colonel Armon," she announced. The mess hall resounded with cheers.
Sherra
I didn't know it, but the warriors who were officers were allowed to take their black rose with them during their duties for the day. It was a way to get them accustomed to their new life and what would be expected of them. That meant Levi, Misten, Caral and Armon joined Kerok and me in Kerok's study.
Caral couldn't stop grinning. Misten wore an expression of bemused relief. I blinked when a messenger from the battlefield appeared in Kerok's office before his desk, in an empty spot there.
He'd sent mindspeak and now the messenger was here, handing off notes to Kerok. He'd done this the whole time I'd been in training, and I'd never known it.
"Anything to report?" Kerok asked the man.
"Battle has been light the past two days, sir."
"Good. How's the General?"
"In better spirits, sir."
"I have this for him." Kerok reached into a desk drawer a
nd drew out a sealed message. "I'll send for you when I have replies," he tapped the messages he'd received.
"Thank you, sir," the messenger dipped his head and stepped away.
"This is so exciting," Misten whispered.
Levi and Armon burst into laughter.
Dinner with Kerok that evening turned into a private dinner in his sitting room, rather than a public one, where I'd be in the same mess hall with the others.
"I have some things to tell you," he admitted as I lifted a fork and studied the thick cut of steak on my plate.
"All right." I watched as he cut into the meat expertly, then followed his lead.
"It's about Grae," he said.
"Levi said her name," I admitted. "That she was your previous ah, escort."
"She was my escort and my only love."
How do you respond to that? He'd said the words flatly, but there was a wealth of feeling beneath that smooth surface.
"I'm sorry for your loss," I said through numb lips. I was sorry. Sorry that she'd died. Sorry that he'd been hurt. Sorry that yet another black rose had been sacrificed to the enemy to keep the King safe in his city.
Kerok's father is the King, I reminded myself. When he said nothing, I spoke again. "I am under no illusion that I'll keep my life either, Commander. It is only a matter of time. I will say this, however. You were to be my third choice—after Levi and Armon, because I felt I could express myself honestly in most circumstances and you'd listen. That's all I want or expect from you, Commander."
I felt cold after saying those words. There'd never been any hope for me. I'd learned it so young, too. There'd never be a husband or children—just battle, war and death.
"When I first saw Grae," he began after considering my words, "I envisioned a tall water bird, who walked among the others gracefully without disturbing them. She was a lake of calm for me, and I loved her from the beginning."
"She sounds like a wonderful person, and perfect for you."
"I thought she was, too."
"Look, I know you still miss her—it can't have been that long ago. Why don't we do this another night? Tonight, drink in her honor," I said, scooting my chair back.
"You know what I thought when I first saw you?" He lifted his eyes to me and gestured for me to sit down again.
"What did you think?"
"That you were wildfire in a fierce wind. I knew then that whatever you touched would be forever changed. This isn't the only scar I have," he touched his face as I sat uneasily on my chair again. "I have others that I received the day I lost Grae. They are constant reminders of my loss. I don't want you to feel insignificant next to a ghost, Sherra. I never want that. Whatever you want or need, within reason, I will attempt to provide. I just can't say that love will ever be a part of it."
"Commander, I've known since I was two that love would never come my way. I'm really not hungry. May I be excused?"
"Where will you go?"
"I think I'd like to see the stars," I said, rising from my seat again.
"Don't wander too far, and certainly not past the perimeter."
"I can take care of myself, Commander."
"I know," he whispered.
K erok
That certainly set the proper tone, I chastised myself. I had no idea whether she was actually looking at the stars or crying her eyes out, and I felt like a callous fool.
"Why is it that men think of gifts whenever they upset a woman?" Grae asked me once. That's where my mind had wandered—what to do or give to Sherra, to make this right.
I should just admit that I was an idiot walking unsteady ground and tell her I'd do better. At least that I'd try to do better. We'd be working closely together, and a relationship of some kind made things so much easier.
Merrin would say that I owed her nothing. Merrin had been the biggest fool I'd ever met; I just didn't know it for a very long time.
Sherra
I'd never attempted to step, because it frightened me. The book said it was possible, but somehow, there'd been no instruction on it during our training, and as a result, no trainee thought they could.
I could see the top of a rocky outcropping surrounding the lake at the far end of camp. It would be an experiment. If it killed me, then there would be no love lost between Kerok and me.
For a moment, I held the image of the highest rock in my mind and stepped.
Where are you? Kerok's voice came seconds later.
Sitting on the tallest rock next to the lake, I replied honestly.
I'll be right there.
I wanted to ask him why. He was the Prince and it wasn't done, as Armon would say.
The sounds of his boots against rock came seconds later. I refused to turn and look. He sat beside me, then, and held out a wineglass before uncorking a bottle held in the other hand.
"This is how it's supposed to be," he said, pouring wine into my glass. "A celebration of sorts, for where and when we are; a time when things are new and our prospects are brighter. Drink, Captain, and consider that I'm just a fool who chose the wrong time to hand you news that could wait."
"What would you have told me instead?" I snorted before lifting the wineglass to my lips.
"That it isn't all darkness. We will laugh, I promise. There will be times when things go well, and there will be victories—as an army and with just us."
"I'm sorry I don't share your optimism, Commander."
"What will make that change for you?" he asked.
"Change the world, Prince Commander."
"To changing the world, then." He clinked the wine bottle against my glass and drank from it.
K erok
The night ended on a truce of sorts. I stepped her back, said good-night and watched as she closed the bedroom door behind her. I'd had her clothing brought from the barracks, although she'd be getting new officer's uniforms soon enough.
I'd also sent mindspeak to Armon, asking him to have a plate of cheese and bread delivered to my bedroom, in the hopes she'd eat something.
Anyone in the army knew how battle wore you thin if you failed to eat properly. We'd be leaving after breakfast the following morning, and I had assignments to sort for four warriors who hadn't been chosen.
I considered that the number should have been two, but the Bulldog had ruined two, who'd ended up dead.
It would do no good to curse her name yet again, but I wanted to. If she were still in charge and had Sherra not been there, I had the feeling several would have washed out of Fourth on her recommendation alone—because she didn't like this one or that. It would have meant more warriors would be unchosen in this training season.
All of the former washouts had placed well in the rankings, and had also chosen well enough. Again, we had Sherra to thank for that. She did change everything around her, and with the new method, I hoped for even better from her in the future.
Perhaps her fatalistic approach to everything is what drove her in these goals—a desire to make it better for the black roses, and make their lives longer as a result.
I certainly couldn't fault her desires or her determination. Grae would have been amazed at the fierceness in Sherra, because it was something she'd never had.
They would have been good opposites—the calm next to the storm—if they'd had the luck and opportunity to work together.
That would never be, and it made me weary thinking about it.
Sherra
There was a note from Armon and Levi set amid the cheese and bread plate on the bedside table. Keep your chin up and your shields strong, they'd written.
They were right. I couldn't let depression overwhelm me.
Ever.
I'd fought for survival every day of my life. I would go down fighting. I merely had no idea when that day would come. Kerok and I—we had to make some sort of peace to work successfully together. He was right, too, saying that there was a ghost between us. All his dealings with me would be with her memory in the background.
; A fight I had no way to win, because it involved love.
At least I had good friends—something I hadn't had before. Levi and Armon would continue to work closely with Kerok, and I would see Caral and Misten regularly, in addition to those two.
I had no intention of burdening them with my troubles, however, because that had never been something I'd do. People had enough worries of their own; I didn't need to add to the load they bore.
Thank you for the note, I sent mindspeak to Armon.
Eat, he gruffed. We have a long day tomorrow. And you're welcome, he added. Remember, Levi, Caral, Misten and I love you. That counts for a lot, from my way of thinking.
I love all of you, too. I'll see you in the morning.
Of course you will, his mental words conveyed a smile.
K erok
"Want breakfast here or in the mess?" I asked Sherra as she walked into the sitting room, fresh from a shower and dressed in clean fatigues.
"What do you want?" she asked. Morning sun sent shafts of light through the window nearby, and glinted on wildly curling hair about her face. The scent of soap and freshly-starched fatigues met my nose, making me recall past mornings that held smiles and stolen moments of intimacy.
"I don't care," I replied indifferently. "Wait, that sounds too much like an old couple," I held up a hand. "I need to see Armon and Levi, so let's join them in the mess."
"All right—that sounds fine." At least she didn't tack Commander onto the end of it. It was proper when we were in front of others, but when we were alone, it didn't matter. Levi and Armon didn't give a damn about that propriety, so it wouldn't be necessary with them, either.
I stepped both of us to the mess hall, where Armon, Levi and their escorts already occupied a table in our usual corner.
Levi had been teasing Misten—she laughed as Sherra and I took seats on the opposite bench.
"You look cheerful today," I remarked.
"We are. Cheerful. Commander." Caral's eyes held a light of mischief in them.
The Rose Mark: Black Rose Sorceress, Book 1 Page 19