by Steve Cotler
I barely had a chance to eat because kids were constantly coming over to tell me how terrific my scary story was. But what they said to me was like that game called Telephone, where you whisper something into one kid’s ear, and he whispers it to another kid, and so on, so by the time it gets to the last kid, the story is completely different. According to what campers told me and what I overheard them telling each other, my bedtime story was about sharks in the lake, a one-eyed man with a hook, and poisonous red licorice (don’t ask!).
Our morning activity was a nature hike in the woods with Lindermann. We were stopped in a clearing, and he was telling us about birds of prey.
“… tremendous eyesight. From two thousand feet in the air, nearly a half mile up, an eagle can spot a mouse moving through the grass.”
Then he paused.
“Hey, you know what? With all the excitement last night, you guys didn’t get a chance to do your Cool Duel vote.”
We all looked at each other. How did he know?
“You guys are not as sneaky as you think,” Lindermann said. “And I’ve got very good hearing. I’m going to take my camera down to the lake, sit on that rock way over there, and see if I can snap a photo of an osprey grabbing a fish. Yell for me when you’re done.”
I hadn’t been nervous for any of the preliminary votes, but now, as we stood around waiting until Lindermann was out of earshot, I was very nervous. I really wanted to win.
“Maybe Lindermann’s not such a bad guy after all,” Kevin said when we could no longer see him. “Okay. Let’s vote.”
“Alphabetical,” Sam said.
“By first names or last names?” Alfie asked.
“Last names,” Zip said quickly. “It’s always last names.”
“Okay, then,” Ty said. “Atkins. I go first. I vote Kevin.”
“I’m next. I vote for Cheesie,” Alfie said.
Then Lloyd, who I had scared into peeing in his bed, voted for me! That was a switch.
Then came Jason, Tommy, and Noah … all for Kevin.
“I vote for Cheesie,” Jimmy said.
I wished I had my tally pad with me. It was going to be very close.
“That makes it four for Kevin, three for me, so far. I vote for me,” I said.
“Me too,” Zip said. “Not for me, I mean … for Cheesie.”
I was ahead, 5–4!
Then Henry voted for Kevin.
Sam abstained again.
Ethan voted for me.
Clark went for Kevin.
It was now tied 6–6 with only three remaining: Georgie Sinkoff, Danny Stephens, and Kevin Welch. Since it was obvious how Georgie and Kevin would vote, everything depended on Danny.
I went over the previous tallies in my mind. Danny had switched back and forth on every vote. I had no idea what he would do now.
Georgie threw his arms in the air and shouted, “I vote for Cheesie!”
Danny looked around. “I guess it’s my turn. Okay. Here’s the way I see it. The whole purpose of the Cool Duel is to choose which one of these guys is the coolest in camp. Of course that’s actually me, but for some reason I’m not in this election.”
“Ha, ha. Not funny. Just vote,” Zip said.
“So, looking at what’s gone on over the last week, it’s clear to me that both guys have done some very cool things. Kevin’s snake face. That toilet paper launcher. Cheesie’s stupid dancing. Kevin’s excellent juggling. Underwear flag footb—”
“Give us a break!” Jimmy shouted.
It was clear to me that Danny knew he was the deciding vote and was stretching the whole thing out.
“Okay. All in all, I’d have to say that balancing one cool thing against the other … looking at everything … weighing the pros and cons—”
Zip grabbed Danny in a headlock. “Vote!”
Danny struggled free and grinned. “Okay. I’d say the guy who did the coolest things is … Cheesie—”
Georgie and a couple of other guys started to cheer. I had won!
“—but because we’ve been camp friends for years, I’m going to vote for Kevin.”
I had lost.
“You aren’t supposed to vote for friends!” Georgie shouted. “You’re supposed to vote for who’s coolest!”
“Quiet!” Kevin yelled. “He voted. It counts. Let’s move on. I still get to vote.”
The vote was only 7–7. Kevin wanted to make his victory official.
“Like Danny said, the whole purpose of the Cool Duel is to choose which one of us is the coolest guy in camp.”
Now he’s going to give a speech and rub it in, I thought.
“I’m definitely the coolest, of course, and Cheesie’s a sawed-off runt who doesn’t belong in a Big Guys cabin.”
What a bad winner.
“But he ended up in our cabin, and I’ve got to hand it to him. He put up a great fight. That one-armed dude with the flashlight was awesome.”
Huh?
“So … I vote for Cheesie.”
I won!
I don’t remember anything else that happened that day.
Long after lights-out, I lay under my blanket staring at the final Cool Duel tally.
COOL DUEL DAY SEVEN
ME KEVIN
Ty Atkins
Alfie Bickelman
Lloyd Case
Jason Chelsea
Tommy Grace
Noah Keil
Jimmy Kelly
Cheesie Mack
Zip Matthews
Henry Miranda Sam Ramprakash
Ethan Rhee
Clark Rosellini
Georgie Sinkoff
Danny Stephens
Kevin Welch
In the morning, Kevin would have to announce my coolness to the whole camp and get on his knees and bow down to me. I thought I would feel triumphant, but I didn’t. Kevin had completely surprised me by being a good sport. That was probably the coolest thing he had ever done. It was weird. I went to sleep with a frown.
I woke up with a smile, knowing what I had to do.
While everyone was getting dressed, I got one of the guys alone and convinced him he needed to change the way he’d voted.
Can you guess who it was and what he did?
The answer’s on the next page.
The Final, Final Vote
One second after the loudspeaker called everyone to flag raising, Sam announced loudly, “I am no longer abstaining. Cheesie is cool. Kevin is cool. But Kevin’s voting for Cheesie makes him the coolest. I vote for Kevin. It’s eight to eight. It’s a tie!”
I stuck out my hand.
Kevin shook it.
And even though in the final week the Orange team (mine) lost the Color War, the rest of camp (including the second dance in the Ballroom, where Georgie and I were asked to do our crazy dance again and lots of other kids joined in) was terrific.*
*When we lined up to leave camp on the last day, Mookie surprised me with a birthday cake. Even with Georgie eating four slices, there was enough for every kid on our bus. It was a delicious way to end the summer.
Coda
I am in my room at home writing this chapter. If you know why it’s called Coda, then you probably play a musical instrument. A coda is the end of a musical composition like a symphony. Meemo—who plays the violin—told me that the “chapters” of a symphony are called movements. The last movement of this story took place back home in Gloucester.
It was a phone conversation.
Lana: Hi, Cheesie.
Me: Hi.
Lana: What’re you doing?
Me: Writing my book about camp.
Lana: Am I in it?
Me: Yeah.
Lana: And Marci?
Me: Yeah.
Lana: Are you still mad about the Hack?
Me: No.
Lana: ’Cause we only did it because after Marci met Georgie, she thought he was cute and really liked him.
Me: Oh.
Lana: And because I liked—
&nbs
p; Me: My mom wants me. I gotta hang up. Bye.
After I hung up I realized there was one thing about the Hack I never understood. If there was no twin brother Marcus, who or what or why was Marci texting? If you have an idea, please go to my website and tell me.
Oh, and I forgot to tell you that Goon got really mad and made a fool of herself when she found out Kevin and I were friends. I awarded myself four points for that, so at the end of summer camp, the Point Battle score was 669–668. With me leading!
Ha!
But now that Goon and I are in the same school, there have been lots more Point Battle events, and I’m behind again.
Ugh!
*
It’s early November, and this is the end of Cool in a Duel. I hope you liked it.
I just had another adventure, and I’m going to start writing about it in ten minutes or so. It’s about a mess I got into in middle school. When I have a title, it’ll be on my website.
I was going to write “The End” here, but Granpa (who “accidentally” erased the lovey-dovey video I took of Goon on his camera) is looking over my shoulder, and he wants to have the last word, so here goes:
This is Bud Mack here. I have read this whole book, and except for the part that says I tell terrible jokes—which I certainly do not—everything that Cheesie wrote about camp is accurate.
And then both of us gave you, the reader, a squinty-evil-eye.
See you next book!
Signed:
Ronald “Cheesie” Mack (age 11 years and 2 months)
CheesieMack.com
The End
(but keep reading anyway)
How the Point Battle Is Scored
These rules apply equally to Goon and to me. I do not cheat. Otherwise, why bother?
If one of us insults the other—
• When we’re alone: 1 point
• When other people can hear: 2 points
• Points are doubled for a REALLY excellent insult.
If one of us causes the other to do something embarrassing—
• When we’re alone: 2 points
• When other people are around: 4 points
• Points are doubled for a REALLY excellent embarrassment.
If one of us gets punished—
• By parents: 4 points
• By school: 8 points
• By police: You lose—GAME OVER
Points are doubled when …
• it’s a REALLY BIG punishment.
• you’re caught lying.
• the other kid tattles.
• the other kid is actually at fault but gets away unpunished.
Visit CheesieMack.com If …
1. You want to tell me what you think about this book. (this page)
2. You’re interested in strange names for body parts. (this page,this page)
3. You’d like to know the rules for Georgie’s and my License Plate Alphabet Race game. (this page)
4. You want to read the report I wrote about primates. (this page)
5. You’re curious about bufflehead ducks. (this page)
6. You want to hear how Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg is pronounced. (this page)
7. You want to read Uncle Bud’s joke. (It’s not very funny.) (this page)
8. You know something about the Abominable Snowman, Yeti, Sasquatch, or Bigfoot. (this page)
9. You want to learn how to play Roboto. (It’s very cool!) (this page)
10. You have an idea how I could finish the “Legend of Double Wobbly” story. (this page)
11. You want to know more about lemurs. (this page)
12. You know another “clothing” verb, like belt, sock, or skirt. (this page)
13. You think short-sheeting is cool and want to learn how to do it. (this page)
14. You want to see what I did in my fifth-grade robotics club. (this page)
15. You have an addition to my list of animalish words. (this page)
16. You want to hear a loon call. (this page)
17. You’re interested in what I learned from Lindermann about garter snakes. (this page)
18. You want to know why those candies are called Milk Duds. (this page)
19. You can’t figure out what Marci said that proved she did not have a twin brother. (this page)
20. You think you know who, what, or why Marci was texting. (this page)
21. You’re curious to see if I have a title for my next book yet. (this page)
Acknowledgments
Many, many years ago I told a scary bedtime story to a cabin full of campers. Their faces and names have escaped, but their screams of terrified delight are in this book. Thanks. I also wish to thank Dan Lazar and Jim Thomas, agent and editor, for their patience and guidance through rewrite and rewrite and …
is a retired Little League catcher who’s also been a shoe salesman, telecom scientist, singer-songwriter, Apollo 1 computer programmer, Hollywood screenwriter, Harvard Business School MBA, investment banker, and door-to-door egg man. He lives with his wife and writes in Sonoma County in Northern California’s wine country. He thinks he is and always will be eleven years old.
has illustrated twenty-two children’s books, including Jon Scieszka’s Time Warp Trio series, Louis Sachar’s Wayside School series, and Betty Hicks’s Gym Shorts series. Adam also illustrates picture books, and his animation “Fast Food” is in the permanent new-media collection of SFMOMA. When he’s not drawing, Adam enjoys cooking, playing drums, and surfing in the cold Pacific waters. You can see more of his work at AdamMcCauley.com.
Visit Cheesie online at CheesieMack.com.
Visit Steve at SteveCotler.com.