by Maureen Lee
“Oh, bugger!” she said aloud.
“Bugger!” Sonny echoed from the floor.
The girls came home from school soon afterwards, Muriel in tears. The knickers fell down in the playground,” she sobbed. “Sister Cecilia said the elastic’s gone.”
“Jaysus!” said Brenda, feeling guilty. “I’ll mend them later.”
“Sister Cecilia said they were dirty, too.”
“I’ll find you a clean pair for tomorrer,” Brenda promised, wondering where. She felt terrible about neglecting her girls so woefully. In fact, she’d met one of the lay teachers in church a few Sundays ago who’d asked, “Is everything all right at home, Mrs Mahon?”
“Everything’s fine,” Brenda replied, avoiding the woman’s eyes.
“It’s just that your girls aren’t doing nearly so well at school as they used to.”
“They’re probably missing their dad,” said Brenda, though that didn’t account for the grubby, creased frocks the girls wore lately, their unpolished shoes and dirty socks, and the fact they went to bed at all hours, so were late for school more often than not.
“I suppose I’d better make the tea,” Brenda said, as she reluctantly got out of the chair. “On the other hand, Monica, perhaps you could pop round to the chippie for me. I don’t feel much like cooking today.”
“Strike a bleedin’ light,” Carrie said when she came home and read Xavier’s letter. The frosty atmosphere had quickly melted as the women became united against their common enemy, Xavier Mahon. “What the hell do we do now?”
“Can you take the day off?” asked Brenda. “I’d like both of us to be here when he arrives. When Carrie nodded, she went on, ‘It’s his face I can’t wait to see, the expression on his face when he claps eyes on us together.’ It was what had kept her going through the last few months. She began to cry, ‘Oh, God, Carrie, I don’t half hate him.’
“I know you do, gal,” Carrie said gruffly.
“But I don’t half love him, an’ all.”
“I know that, too,” said Carrie.
Carrie had been swilling gin and orange down like nobody’s business all day, but Brenda held back on the drink, wanting to keep a clear head for when Xavier arrived. It was gone seven, which meant Carrie had lost a whole day’s pay for nothing. “Perhaps he decided to get off the train and get married on the way,” she suggested at one point. “Will he come in the front way or the back?”
“It depends whether he’s got his key or not. It could be either way.” Brenda felt a nerve twitch in her cheek and her palms felt hot and sweaty. The kids were making a terrible noise in the parlour. “I think I’ll make another cup of tea,” she said.
She’d just turned the tap on, when she heard the latch go on the backyard door and shot back into the living room. “He’s coming!”
The two women stared at each other, round-eyed with excitement, as the back door opened and Xavier Mahon came in. Brenda’s stomach fluttered. He looked like a film star in his uniform.
“Hallo, luv!” He threw his kitbag on the floor and took a step towards her—then he noticed Carrie, and froze. His perfectly shaped jaw seem to drop several inches as realisation dawned that he’d been found out.
The women waited expectantly. Brenda had always wondered what his first words would be.
But Xavier said nothing. Instead, his eyes rolled upwards,’his knees buckled and he collapsed dramatically on the floor.
Neither woman moved. They both stared wordlessly at the prone figure of Xavier, but after a while, Carrie started to giggle. Brenda wasn’t sure whether to pick the handsome head up and cradle it in her arms, or give it a good kick.
He lay there, completely still, for a good five minutes, but jumped when a particularly loud crash came from the parlour, and Carrie giggled again. Slowly, almost reluctantly, he opened his eyes.
“What happened?” he asked pathetically.
“You pretended to faint, darlin’,” Carrie said. “I wonder why?”
Xavier sat up and leaned against the sideboard. “That was a dirty trick to play on a feller,” he said indignantly.
Brenda and Carrie burst out laughing at his sheer nerve.
“Well, you should know about dirty tricks, being an expert,” Carrie hooted.
“I can explain,” Xavier said with a touch of desperation.
Carrie folded her yellow arms. “We’re listening.”
He’d acted badly, he knew that, but it was only because he was trying to do his best by both women. He was sorry he’d been unfaithful to Brenda, but once Sonny was on the way he felt he had to stand by Carrie and marrying her was the only way he knew how. He was sorry, more sorry than mere words could put it, but begged their forgiveness, nevertheless.
The three children came in whilst their dad was in the middle of this long, rambling vindication, none exactly overwhelmed to see him there. He’d always been too wrapped up in himself to pay much attention to the girls, Brenda recalled, though it was a bit late in the day to realise that. She scarcely opened her mouth all night, but left it to Carrie to ask the questions and lay the blame, and generally put their husband through the wringer.
It was nearly midnight, the children had put themselves to bed, and Xavier was still making excuses, when Carrie stubbed her umpteenth cigarette out and said scornfully, “I’m off. I have to be up at the crack of dawn. I’ve no intention of losing another day’s pay tomorrow.”
“I’ll come with you,” Brenda said quickly. The two women had shared the double bed upstairs ever since Carrie came.
“What about me?” Xavier demanded.
“What about you?” Carrie leered. “Would you like to join us in the middle?”
Xavier had the grace to look uncomfortable. “Where am I going to kip?”
“You’ll just have to sleep on the settee in the parlour,”
Brenda said shortly. “You’ll find some bedding in the airing cupboard. At least, you might.” She hadn’t been in the airing cupboard for weeks.
“What d’you think?” Carrie asked when they were in bed.
“I don’t know what to think.”
The, neither.” Carrie turned over, and a few minutes later she began to snore.
Brenda lay wide awake for what seemed like hours, more confused than she’d ever been before. Her head ached and her cheek was twitching violently. She could hear Xavier moving about downstairs. Could she bring herself to take him back? Did she want him back? Did Xavier want her? There was no way of telling what Xavier wanted, not with both Brenda and Carrie there. Perhaps it was time she had a few words with him alone.
She got stealthily out of bed so as not to disturb Carrie, and slipped into the pretty dressing gown she’d made herself in the days when she didn’t have a care in the world.
Xavier was sitting gloomily in the armchair, staring into the dying fire. “Hallo, luv,” he said warily when she went in. She wondered if he would rather it was Carrie who’d appeared.
Brenda nodded curtly as she sat down. “Hallo, Xavier.”
“I couldn’t get to sleep on that settee.”
“I don’t doubt it.”
Suddenly, he burst into tears. “I’ve made a right ould mess of things, haven’t I?”
“That you have,” said Brenda. She felt moved by the tears, but made no sign of it.
“Oh, luv!” He stumbled across the room, fell at her feet and clutched her knees and began sobbing wildly in her lap. “Can you forgive me? Can you ever forgive me?”
Brenda felt as if her body were being wrenched in two.
She stretched out her hands and held them, poised and trembling, over his head. If she touched him, he would assume he was forgiven, and she wasn’t sure if she was ready to forgive him, not yet, or even at all.
“Jaysus!” he wept. “When I think of the way you’ve suffered, I could kill meself, I really could. I couldn’t explain properly, not with that Carrie here, but she’s an awful woman, Bren, dead awful.”
“I
quite like her,” Brenda said stiffly. “She seems nice.”
“I used to like her, too.” Xavier looked up, his dark smouldering eyes red with weeping. Brenda, still undecided, let her hands fall on the arms of the chair. “But once you get to know her, she’s anything but nice. As soon as she found herself expecting Sonny, she threatened to set her brothers on me if we didn’t get wed. You should see them, Bren, great hulking monsters the pair of them.
They worked in Billingsgate fish market before they were called up. I had no option, luv. You know I’d never do anything to hurt you if I could avoid it.”
The tick in Brenda’s cheek began to lessen. “That doesn’t alter the fact you slept with her,” she said. It was an effort to keep her voice cold. “Or did she threaten you with her brothers if you refused?”
He began to cry again. “Oh, I’m a terrible weak person.”
He beat his chest with his small fists. “May God forgive me. There’s only been one woman for me, Bren, and that’s you! There’ll never be another Carrie, luv. It’ll be cried pitifully. “Please!”
He sank his head back onto her knees, and she felt his I arms begin to inch up her legs to her hips, her waist, until I they -were tightly clamped around her. Brenda held her breath. All she had to do was lean towards him!
“What’s to become of Carrie and Sonny?” she asked.
“I’ll get the cash together tomorrer and send them back to London. Perhaps I can pawn me hats. Once the war’s over, I’ll have to support Sonny. That seems only the right and proper thing to do,” he finished virtuously.
“And you’ll never see them no more?”
“As if I would, Bren!”
Brenda let out a long, shuddering breath. “In that case, I forgive you, Xavier.” But if he ever did anything like this again . . .
“Oh, Bren!”
She slid off the chair into his arms and, by the time Brenda returned to bed half an hour later, the headache and the tic in her cheek had completely disappeared.
There was a thud, and Brenda woke up with a start out of the first deep and relaxing sleep she’d had in months.
“What’s going on?’she muttered.
“Sorry, gal, I was trying not to wake you.” Carrie seemed to be struggling with something in the corner of the room. “I was just getting me suitcase down, that’s all.”
“Your suitcase! Why? I thought you were going to work today.”
“I’ve decided to go back to London, instead.”
“What time is it?” Brenda sat up and rubbed her eyes.
“Six o’clock.”
Brenda felt muddled, but then she’d rarely felt anything else for months. “Has Xavier had a word with you already?”
“I
“What d’you mean?” Carrie asked sharply.
“What d’you mean, what do I mean?”
“Just a minute.” Carrie lit the gas mantle and turned it low. She sat on the edge of the bed, and Brenda saw she already had her coat on. “What d’you mean, has Xavier had a word with me already?” she demanded.
“Well,” Brenda stammered, not wishing to hurt Carrie’s feelings and appear to crow because it was she, Brenda, whom Xavier wanted, “it’s just that I went downstairs in the middle of the night and me and Xavier had, well, we had a little chat, like, and he thought it would be best if you and Sonny went back to London, that’s all. I didn’t think he’d say anything till tonight when you got home from work. Unless—is this all your own idea?” Perhaps Carrie had seen the writing on the wall and decided to return to London of her own accord.
“No,” Carrie said briefly. “I woke up early, and Xavier had a word with me, just like you thought. I didn’t realise you and he had already had a talk. He’s been a busy little bee tonight, hasn’t he?” She reached in her pocket for her ciggies. “Want one?”
“No, ta. I think I’ll stop smoking from now on. With you not here, there won’t be the temptation.”
“It’s a terrible drain on the pocket.” Carrie threw back her pretty head and emitted a long drawn-out puff of smoke. She looked very sad.
Brenda reached out impulsively and squeezed her shoulder. “I’m sorry, girl. I’ll miss you something awful. I hope you don’t feel too upset, like.”
“I’ll miss you, too, Bren.” Her gruff voice broke. “And don’t worry about me. I’m not upset at all.”
There was something wrong! The alarm bells Brenda had first heard when Carrie put in an appearance last November began to ring again and the sound was ominous. Why wasn’t Carrie mad? Why was she taking it all so calmly and not using her wide and colourful vocabulary to curse Xavier to high heaven and beyond?
Brenda chewed her lip thoughtfully and gradually everything fell into place. “You weren’t going to tell me, were you?”
“No, gal,” Carrie said gently.
“He hasn’t broken off with you at all!”
Carrie didn’t answer for a long while. When she did, her voice was low and subdued. “He suggested next time he was on leave he’d come and see me and Sonny in London.”
“And I wouldn’t have known anything about it?”
Carrie shook her head.
If Brenda thought she’d been angry before, it was as nothing to the anger she felt now. This time, it wasn’t just her cheek, but her entire body that began to twitch. “Some friend you turned out to be,” she spat. “Xavier intended to carry on double-crossing me, but this time, there’d be the two of you at it!”
“Christ Almighty, gal, what d’you take me for?” Carrie flung her cigarette across the room into the empty fireplace. “I told Xavier to go and piss up his kilt.”
“You did what!”
“You heard. And I gave him a black eye, an’ all. He’s probably still bathing it.”
Every shred of Brenda’s anger dissipated. “You’re much stronger than me,” she said, ashamed, “I took him back. I took him back like a shot. Not only that, I insisted he never see you again.”
“Well, that’s only natural. I’d probably have done the same if he was my husband. Not only that, you love him. I did once, but not any more. And, unlike you, I know a bit about men. Once bitten, twice shy, as they say.”
“I think I’ll have that fag now,” said Brenda.
Carrie lit two cigarettes and poked one in Brenda’s mouth. “Here you are, gal. I wish I hadn’t woke you up.
You’d never have been any the wiser if I’d just disappeared, would you?”
“Actually, Carrie, I feel a bit hurt at the idea of you sneaking off without telling me, without even saying goodbye.”
“It seemed the best thing to do,” Carrie said sagely. “It ain’t often in my life I do nice things, but I’d never hurt you, Bren, not ever. I wanted you to think everything was tickety-boo with Xavier.” She looked at Brenda sideways.
“You never know, it could be with me out of the way.”
“No.” Brenda shook her head and there was an air of finality about it. “I could never trust him again. He’s shot his bolt as far as I’m concerned.”
“You don’t sound very upset.”
“I’m too angry, I suppose. I’ll feel upset later. By the way,” Brenda asked curiously, “did he say horrible things about me?”
“He didn’t mention you hardly.” Carrie examined her nails. “What did he have to say about me?”
“Not much,” Brenda lied. “I suppose he likes us both, that’s the problem.”
“His problem!”
They both began to laugh till tears ran down their cheeks. “He’ll hear us,” Brenda spluttered eventually.
“We’ve been talking for ages. He probably already realises the cat’s out of the bag.” Carrie got up and began to stuff her clothes in the suitcase. “I’ll wake up Sonny in a minute, then we’ll be off.”
“You’re not still going!”
Carrie stopped packing and looked at Brenda seriously.
“I think it’s best, Bren, don’t you? I think we should both start again, sep
arately, without Xavier.”
“I suppose so.” Carrie was right. They couldn’t stay together, united in their hatred of a man who wasn’t worth the candle.
I’ll get another factory job,” Carrie said chirpily. “I’ll find someone to look after Sonny. As for you, you should be able to manage on the money from the Army. You could take up dressmaking again. That dance frock you made for me’s the nicest one I ever had.”
Brenda shook her head. “I’ll never sew another stitch,” she vowed.
“There!” Carrie clicked the shabby suitcase shut. “Now, shall we go downstairs together and have it out with Xavier? Or would you sooner do it on your own?”
“I’d sooner we did it together.”
But when they went downstairs, Xavier had gone.
Carrie left soon afterwards, with Sonny in the girls’ old pushchair, which had been second-hand when Brenda bought it and looked as if it had come out of a museum.
“Still, it’s better than carrying him. He weighs a bleedin” ton,” Carrie said, as pleased as punch. “I can fold it up and put it on the luggage rack on the train.”
Brenda felt far more upset over losing Carrie than losing Xavier. She’d even grown fond of Sonny, and could have cried when the the little chap was being strapped into the pushchair, and she realised she’d never see him again.
Monica and Muriel, who’d got up to see them off, both burst into tears.
“Well, cheerio, gal.”
“Tara, Carrie.”
They all waved until Carrie turned the corner of the street. Brenda went back indoors and made the girls a good breakfast for the first time in months, and even ironed their frocks for school.
It wasn’t until the girls had gone, and the house seemed particularly quiet, that she had a good cry. She found a single ciggie in a packet which Carrie had left on the mantelpiece and smoked it.