by Nina Levine
In.
Out.
I consume her.
But that’s nothing because she’s already consumed me.
She fucking owns me.
Her scream shatters through the room as she comes and I grunt my pleasure when my release hits.
And as we fall asleep in each other’s arms a little while later, I know that Callie holds my heart in her hands.
I wake, not sure what day or time it is. My brain can’t move fast enough to put it all together. I reach for Callie, but she’s not here. I blink my eyes open fully and find the bed empty.
Pushing off the bed, I reach for a pair of jeans in my drawers and dress after using the bathroom. I then go in search of my family.
I find them in the kitchen. All of them. Including my mother and Tyler.
Frowning, I ask, “What time is it?”
Callie moves to my side and places her arms around my waist. After she presses a kiss to my bare chest, she says, “It’s just after twelve.”
I rake my fingers through my hair. “You should have woken me.” I can’t recall the last time I slept this long. I usually average no more than five hours a night.
“You were exhausted, Luke,” she says.
“Daddy!” Sean’s arms loop around my legs and Callie lets me go so I can scoop him up.
“Hey, little man. Thanks for letting me sleep in.”
“Callie said you were really tired.”
Paris walks past me to take plates to the table. “Callie said you were thoroughly screwed,” she murmurs softly enough so Sean doesn’t hear.
Callie grins when I look at her. I smirk as I shake my head at her.
Tyler grabs cutlery and follows Paris to the table. “Morning, stud,” he says as he passes me.
Sean wriggles in my hold and I let him down to run to Mum, who has her arms out for him. Turning to Callie, I raise my brows. “What have you been telling everyone?”
“Nothing. They’re guessing, so just ignore them. I have been.” She sways as her eyes drop to my chest. “You should go and finish getting dressed. Brunch is almost ready.”
I grin. “Who cooked?”
She smacks me playfully on the chest. “Smartass. It was Paris and Tyler. I promise I had nothing to do with it.”
I kiss her before saying, “I’ll be back.”
As I turn, her hand grabs mine and she pulls me back to her. “I thought we didn’t do quick kisses. Ever.”
My gut tightens with need and I give her what she wants.
“Jesus, you two want us to look after Sean while you go take care of business?” Tyler mutters.
Callie shakes her head. “Nope, Luke just took care of business, so we’re all good.”
I head back into the bedroom, throw a shirt on and then brush my teeth. Laughter and conversation fills my house when I return to the table. It’s a sound I haven’t heard much over the last two years, except since Callie has come into my life. Even then, it hasn’t been as often as I’d like.
A realisation hits me square in the gut.
I want my family close.
Although they’ve always been a constant in my life, I’ve closed my heart to them since all the shit went down. I stopped opening up to them. I held a part of myself back.
I didn’t want to allow hope in because what was the point when it only ever ended up being crushed?
“Luke.” Callie beckons me to the seat next to her.
Brunch consists of bacon, eggs, sausages, hash browns, pancakes, mushrooms and toast. And a conversation I never saw coming.
“I’m getting married,” Mum announces halfway through the meal.
“To that guy you were telling us about the other day?” Tyler asks.
“Yes, George.”
I’m not even surprised at her announcement. I would be surprised if it goes ahead. She’s had three engagements over the last ten years that haven’t eventuated. “When?” I ask.
“Oh, I haven’t asked him yet,” she says with a wave of her hand.
Tyler stares at her. “How do you know he’ll say yes?”
She looks at him as if he’s just asked the stupidest question. “Pfft, George will say yes. I think a Christmas wedding would be fun.” She turns to Callie. “Don’t you think, Callie?”
Callie hits Mum with a smile. “It would be amazing. Where are you thinking?”
Mum’s eyes light up. She’s found an ally. “The Whitsunday’s.”
Callie nods excitedly. “Perfect.”
I watch in amusement as they continue to plan the details of a wedding that probably won’t even happen. After a good ten minutes of discussion, in which Tyler gives his opinion and Paris does her best to avoid being dragged into, Mum narrows her eyes at me. “What are your thoughts, Luke? You’re being awfully quiet over there.”
“Why bother with marriage? If you love each other, you don’t need a piece of paper to declare that love.”
Mum frowns. “You used to be all for marriage.”
I lean back in my chair and rake my fingers through my hair. This is the last thing I want to be discussing. “That was before I was screwed over.”
“What does screwed over mean?” Sean asks.
I give him my full attention. “It means that someone does something to you that is very bad.”
“So you probably wouldn’t be their friend anymore?” he asks.
“Absolutely not. And you would do everything you could to stop anyone else ever doing that thing to you,” I say.
“Luke.” Mum’s voice holds a warning.
“What?” I ask her. “He needs to know this stuff for when he gets older. No way am I ever letting anyone mess with him.”
Sadness flickers in her eyes. “Sometimes we can’t stop our kids being hurt. But the last thing we should do is teach them to close themselves off to life.”
“I don’t buy that bullshit. There’s a lot I can do to stop my child being hurt by other people. Number one is to teach him how to avoid being played by scheming bitches.” I shove my chair back and stand. “Sean will never be screwed over by a woman if I have anything to do with it.”
I stalk out of the room, needing some space to breathe. Thinking about my son going through any of the shit I’ve been through causes intense anger in me. I head out to the back deck to get some fresh air.
“Luke,” Callie calls after me as she follows.
I don’t wait for her, but rather, keep moving down the stairs. This isn’t something she can help me with.
“Luke!” Her tone grows more insistent, so I finally stop and face her when I reach the bottom of the stairs. She catches up and says, “Are you okay?”
I blow out a long breath. “You know I don’t like talking about my marriage, but Mum’s always pushing me to fucking talk about it.”
“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I think you need to. You’re so full of anger and resentment. You need to find a way to get that out so you can move on.”
Every muscle in my body swarms with anger and tension. It punches through me and all I want to do is find a way to smash it out of me. “Talking doesn’t fix anything, Callie. This anger sits in my gut every minute of every day. It’s not going anywhere, no matter how much I talk about it.”
“And it won’t. Not until you decide to let it go. You’re stuck and you’re holding onto it.”
My chest pumps hard with fury. “You think I want this?”
“I think you have every reason to be angry. I don’t think you want it, but I do think you want to cling to that anger with Jolene because it’s all you have. Anger, resentment and hurt. You’ve walked away from her physically, but you’re still with her emotionally. Until you can find a way to surrender those emotions, you’ll stay in this ugly place.” She moves closer and places her hand on my cheek. “I hate seeing you in this pain, Luke. I want you to be happy again.”
Her words sit between us. I listen to everything she says, but I fight against letting it in. She’s right.
I don’t want to let my anger go. If I do that, Jolene wins, and no fucking way will that woman win. She’s fucked me over enough. I refuse to give her another inch.
I enclose her hand in mine and kiss it while I try to get myself under control. “Don’t misunderstand my emotions, Callie. I might be angry with Jolene, but that doesn’t mean I’m stuck. I’m the happiest I’ve been in years and I’m moving forward. With you.”
She contemplates that. When she speaks, there’s sadness in her words. “You are stuck, Luke. I can see that.” She lets my hand go and makes her way back inside.
My heart beats a little faster in my chest. She’s never walked away from a conversation before. As much as I wanted some space and a minute to myself, I didn’t want her to leave.
Fuck.
25
Callie
“So what happened after that?” Avery asks on Sunday night when we’re out celebrating. The music in the club almost drowns out our conversation but I can just hear her. It’s busy; if I didn’t know better I’d think it was a Saturday night.
“He spent about half an hour outside by himself. The rest of us sat around the dining table listening to his mother talk about her man. When he finally came in, it was really awkward between us for a while. Like, I’m talking a couple of hours. Everyone left, including Paris. Sean had a sleep while Luke and I sat on the couch watching TV in silence.”
She pulls a face. “Oh, God, it sounds awful.”
“It was. Eventually, he started talking about the documentary we were watching and we just went from there, but it feels like there’s this distance between us now.” I slump against the table. “I hate it. I kinda wish I hadn’t said anything.”
She drinks the rest of the cocktail in front of her and shakes her head. “No, you had to say it, Callie. You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t tell the truth as you see it. And besides, I think you’re right.”
“Yeah, but he’s clearly not ready to hear it.” I drain my glass, too, and hold it up. “We need more.”
She laughs. “We do! I’ll be back.”
She leaves to get more drinks and I contemplate where Luke and I are. He was so distant this afternoon, but he made it clear he wanted me in his bed tonight, so at least there was that. I wish I were the kind of person who could just let this go, but I’m not. I want Luke to face his demons. I want him to let them go. And I know I’m going to push him to do that, which is what concerns me the most. Will we survive me doing that?
Avery returns and passes me a Long Island Iced Tea. We’ve been drinking them all night and I’m beginning to feel their effect.
“So, what’s the plan from here?” she asks.
“I’ll probably fuck up what we’ve got. That’s the plan.”
“Babe, Luke knows better than anyone who you are. He knows how stubborn you are and how you pursue something when you believe in it. He’s chosen to be with you regardless, so I think you need to give him some credit here and expect him to be ready for what you’re going to bring to this relationship.”
“You make a good point.” I take a long gulp of my drink. “I just hope you’re right because I’ve fallen in love with the man, and I might just die if he decides he doesn’t want me in his life.”
Her eyes widen with glee. “You have? Have you told him?”
“No, it’s only been a month. It feels too soon to tell him.”
“I don’t agree. I believe that when you know, you know.”
“Yeah, I do, too, but I don’t want to scare him away by declaring my love for him if he’s not ready to hear it.”
“If he’s scared away by that, then he’s not the man I think he is. I think you should tell him.”
Anxiety consumes my insides. I’m feeling so much anxiety tonight over so many little things. I’m actually irritated by myself. I gulp more of my cocktail. “God, why is this shit so hard? I just wanted love and I wanted it to be easier than this.”
“Yeah, don’t we all? But, would you give Luke up for an easier man who had no baggage?”
My heart constricts at the thought of giving Luke up. “God, no.” Disappointment flares also as I think about his thoughts on marriage. I’ve been going over it since then, finding it hard to forget what he said. I’ve always wanted to get married, so to have fallen in love with a man who seems so against it makes me sad. I can only hope he changes his mind in the future.
She raises her glass. “Drink up, babe. As much as you’re a mess of stress, you have a lot to celebrate. A good man, a career that’s taking off, and me.” She grins. “You’ll never get rid of me.”
I clink my glass against hers. “And you’ll never get rid of me.” After we both take a drink, I say, “How’s your Dad? And your sisters?”
“He’s doing okay. And Helena and Beth seem to be doing better. I got Helena to start seeing her shrink again. She’d stopped and I didn’t realise. And I’ve almost got Beth to the point of agreeing to start seeing someone, too. I’m just taking the chance to catch my breath before the next crisis comes up.” She pauses and her eyes bore into mine when she adds, “For once I’d just like a stretch of months for myself with no fires to put out. You know?”
“Oh, babe. I know. And I want that for you, too.” I feel useless. There are no words I can say to make her feel better. Avery is caught in the middle of her life and her family. Either path she chooses means she’ll give up something important to her. All I can do is be here for her when she needs me.
She takes a deep breath and as she does, she wipes away the anguish in her eyes. In its place is a sparkle of fun. “We need to dance.”
“Hell yes!”
We finish our drinks and make our way to the dance floor. It’s been way too long since we’ve done this. I soon lose myself to the beat of the music, and all my thoughts are soon forgotten.
At just after 2:00 a.m., I wander into Elixir. Thank goodness I stopped drinking a couple of hours ago in favour of dancing. I’m definitely drunk, but nowhere near as bad as I would have been. Avery dropped me off here in a cab so I could go home with Luke.
The bar is still busy, but people are starting to leave after last drinks have been called. Luke is nowhere in sight, though, and I head to his office to see if he’s in there. The door is closed so I knock and wait, hoping he’s here.
He opens the door almost straightaway and my legs wobble a little when he comes into view. My man never fails to make me swoon and tonight is no different. I step forward to move closer, but my damn heel causes me to stumble. Or maybe it’s the alcohol. Either way, I end up falling against him.
His arms stop my fall and a moment later, I’m in those arms with his eyes focused intently on mine. “You’ve had a good night,” he murmurs.
“Bloody heels,” I mutter.
“I thought you were going back to my house?” No smile. No sexy voice. He almost sounds mad, which just confuses me.
“Why are you cranky with me?”
“I’m not.”
Gah, still no smile.
He’s giving me nothing to go on here and my alcohol-muddled mind can’t work fast enough to figure him out.
“Luke, you’re being weird. Please tell me what I’ve done. Unless of course you’re still mad at me for this afternoon. I’m sorry I upset you, bu—”
He places a finger to my lips. “Stop thinking, Callie, because you’re adding two plus two and getting five. All I said was that I thought you’d be at my place now.”
“Yes, but you didn’t use your Luke voice.” God, now I sound like a whinger.
“What the fuck is my Luke voice?”
I push against his chest to move out of his hold. He doesn’t let me go. Doesn’t even loosen his grip on me. I do the only thing I can—I kind of smack his chest. Well, you couldn’t really call it a smack, because he’s not giving me much space between us for that to happen. “Don’t use that tone on me!”
His eyes flash with frustration. “Jesus, what tone am I using?”
My
brain still hasn’t kicked in fully, so I struggle to explain myself. “It’s the one you used to use on me all the time. Your frustrated one.”
He rakes his fingers through his hair. “That’s because I am frustrated with you. I asked you one question, which you still haven’t answered, and we’ve ended up discussing voices and tones.”
“Let me go,” I demand.
“No.”
“Oh, my God, Luke, you are so infuriating sometimes!” I want to stamp my feet like a petulant child, but I refrain.
“I’m infuriating?”
“Yes! I came here so you could drive me to your house. So we could have some time together. And you just stand here arguing with me.”
“If you’d just said that we could have avoided all this.”
I frown as my brain begins to put shit together. “Did you think I wasn’t coming back to your house?”
“I wasn’t sure what to think.” His voice is still tinged with that hard tone from a moment ago.
“Luke… of course I’m coming back to your house. You don’t get it, do you? I love you and I crave time with you. I’ll never say no when you ask me to sleep over or come for dinner or hang out with you and Sean. I’ll never say no to you for anything.” The words just tumble out of my mouth and I’m helpless to stop my declaration of love slipping in there.
His hold on me tightens so much I’m pressed hard against his body right before his mouth claims mine in a kiss that marks me as his.
It’s fierce and rough and demanding.
It’s everything.
I surrender to him completely.
And although he doesn’t tell me he loves me back, I know from this kiss that he feels it.
A little over two hours later, he spoons me after we’ve had sex. His arms are firm around me and I’m pretty sure I won’t be shifting from this position for the entire time I’m asleep.
Exactly how I like it.
“I’m not great at discussing my feelings, Callie,” he says into the darkness.
“Yeah, you kinda suck at it, but I feel like you’re improving.”
“Well, it’s hard not to improve when the woman I love keeps fucking pushing me.”