by Tracey Ward
I narrowed my eyes, feeling my blood boil. “Kellen, that’s what.”
“Oooh. You just got cock blocked!”
“Gross. And that’s not how that phrase is used. It doesn’t make sense,” I grumbled.
“Eh, when you think about it, it does. Kellen blocked cocks from you. That guy literally ran away. Wow, even when he’s not here Kellen’s a badass!”
My first class of the day was math. What a great way to start off not only my day and week, but my year as well – with my own personal hell. When I sat down I quickly whipped out my phone to text Kellen.
Hey. How’s college?
He answered immediately.
It’s cool. How’s high school?
It’s cool. Big. Little scary. Hey, speaking of scary, what the hell did you do?
Don’t know what you mean.
Bullshit!
Language ;)
Sam says you cock blocked me. Is that true?
She’s using that term wrong.
Doesn’t mean it’s not true. How many, Kel? How many guys will be scared to come near me?
There was a pause. I hoped it meant he felt ashamed but it may have been he was laughing at me too hard. Dick.
The entire football team. JV and Varsity.
Bastard.
Pisser. Hey, what are you wearing?
I stared at my phone in shock.
Excuse me?
That came out wrong. Laney sent me pics of her First Day Back outfit. Lots of them.
Is that seriously a thing?
She very seriously seems to think so. Where are yours?
I’m not sending you pictures of what I’m wearing.
At least send me a pic of your smiling face. I miss it.
I chewed on my fingernail debating. Then I very quickly lifted my phone to point the camera at my face, gave it a big, genuine smile and I flipped it off.
“Miss Monroe.”
I startled, nearly dropping my phone. I’d been so engrossed in my conversation with Kellen I hadn’t realized class had started. The teacher and over half the class were staring at me.
“Yes?”
“Put your phone and your finger away,” he said coolly. “Eyes forward.”
“Yes, sir,” I replied sheepishly, feeling mortified.
I slipped my phone under my desk to hit send on the picture and flip it to silent. I wanted to pay attention. This was important. This class would be hard for me as math always was and I needed to get off to a good start. But five minutes later my phone was burning in my pocket and I couldn’t resist. I sneaked a peek. What I read made me smile. It made my day seem less daunting and horrifying. It made my heart skip in my chest.
lol I love you, Nonpareil.
Chapter Seven
One Year, Eight Months Later
“Are you sure your parents won’t be home soon?” Devon asked breathily, coming up for air.
I grinned and shook my head. “They’re both at work. Don’t worry.”
Devon grinned as well, his green eyes sparking with excitement. He leaned his head down again and pressed his lips against mine. I opened my mouth to let him slide his tongue inside. It felt weird but good. I liked Devon a lot. I had ever since the first day I met him as a freshman when he’d run away scared thanks to Kellen. It’d taken over a year for him to get past whatever threats had been laid down for him, but I was glad he finally did. He was a good guy who made me laugh and when he had kissed me for the first time I knew I wanted more. He was tall like me and his body wasn’t large, it didn’t make me feel any smaller than my ridiculously high height, but it didn’t make me feel any bigger either. That was a problem for me. Finding guys who weren’t put off by a girl that was as tall or taller than them. Devon was an exception. One I was taking full of advantage of.
It probably looked more like he was taking advantage of me. We were laying on the couch in my living room. I was on my back and Devon was spread out on top of me, his hands getting braver the longer his mouth was on mine. I didn’t mind. I wasn’t a victim. I was eyes wide open awake and willing. I hadn’t had a boyfriend before and when you have a sister like I do and you hit fifteen without a single guy taking interest, you start to wonder what the hell is wrong with you.
But as Devon ran his hand along my side, found the bottom of my shirt and slowly moved it upward, his pants starting to bulge hard against my thigh, I began to think everything with me was just fine. Maybe better than.
“Jenna, is this—“
“Yes,” I mumbled against his mouth. “Yes, it’s fine.”
His hand moved with more purpose after that. My black tank top rose up over my stomach. Over my ribs. My bra. I gasped when I felt his fingertips touch lightly along the hem. He traced it slowly, tickling the skin. I’d never been touched like this. It made my muscles tense with wondering where he’d go next. What it would feel like. I was excited and anxious, wondering how I’d react. How far was I letting this go? I didn’t know what my limit was yet because it had never been tested. I wondered if I even had one.
When Devon slowly pulled my bra down and exposed me to the open air, I nearly stopped him. I felt like I should. Not like I wanted to, but like I should. I could hear my mother now, scolding me for letting this get so far. For neglecting my school work. For wearing too much dark eyeliner. For doodling. For the rips in my jeans, the worn out Converse shoes I loved so much, the hoodies and the Henna tattoos.
Groaning in frustration, I grabbed Devon’s hand and I pushed it down across my stomach. I broke past the limits and barriers and shouldn’ts. I shoved his hand straight into my pants and I lifted my hips to meet it. I think he was scared because he hesitated. His hand lay motionless inside my jeans. He broke his mouth from mine as he pulled himself up to look down at me. I was breathing hard as I stared back at him, my lips parted and swollen from his kisses. I let him stare and I didn’t flinch because I wanted this. I didn’t care if I should or shouldn’t, I wanted it and I let him know it. He must have gotten the message because finally his fingers moved. He pushed my underwear aside slowly until his fingers were exactly where I wanted them to be.
I inhaled sharply when he touched me. He grinned, knowing he had found it, that elusive spot, and it occurred to me that this wasn’t Devon’s first time doing this. I didn’t care. I didn’t want a fumbling, nervous boy. I had never even done this to myself so it was probably wise to have something of an expert leading the way.
He moved over me again, his fingertips like flint.
Strike. Strike. Spark.
When he leaned down and laid a kiss on my exposed chest, I moaned in the back of my throat. I didn’t recognize my own voice. It was too low. Too deep.
I gripped his forearm hard.
He worked me harder.
I mewled and kicked, whimpering as his fingers moved faster. I was dying. I was burning alive from the inside out. My stomach clenched and quivered as I struggled to breathe. This is what it felt like. What all the fuss was about. What the moans and whimpers I’d caught coming from Laney’s room were for. As I crackled and burned, embers turning red to white hot inside me, I got it. I understood. I finally felt like maybe I was no longer a girl. Maybe that hoarse, rough voice moaning deep inside of me was actually me. And she felt good.
I started to spiral out. I felt crazy and feint.
Then he slipped a finger inside of me.
I lost my damn mind.
I groaned loudly as my entire body clenched. My legs went stiff, my hands were steel clamps on his arms and I couldn’t open my eyes against the onslaught of fire roaring through me. I’d never felt anything like it. I was moaning and crying out curses as it slowly faded.
Eventually I was able to open my eyes. I looked up at Devon to find him smiling down at me.
“Wow,” I whispered, fully expecting smoke to leak from my lips.
He chuckled as he pulled his hand away. He continued to stare at me, his eyes roaming over my face. I knew I probably looked a me
ss. My hair had to be crazy and I could feel the heat on my cheeks.
“Jenna,” he said quietly, “you’re really beau—“
The front door slammed open behind him.
“I don’t fucking care, Kellen!” Laney shouted.
“Oh shit,” I muttered as I hastily sat up and pushed myself back into my bra. Devon was quick to yank my shirt down over it.
We both stood to face the entryway where Laney had stormed in. She turned when she saw us, looking us up and down.
“What the hell is this?” she demanded.
“I’m Devon. A friend of—“
“I don’t give a shit.”
“Oh.”
“Laney, calm down,” Kellen said as he slowly walked inside, his hands in his pockets. He looked reluctant. And tired, his eyes dark and distant.
“I will not calm down. You are unbelievable!”
Kellen sighed. “You know why I can’t do it.”
“No, I know why you won’t do it. It’s because I’m not important enough to you.”
“No, a high school dance isn’t important enough to me to miss an important test. I need to ace this class if I’m going to get this done in under three years.”
“Is that it? Really? Or is it because you’ve got some college bitch you’re already sleeping with that you don’t want to leave for the night?”
Kellen’s eyes went hard. “I’ve never been unfaithful to you.”
Laney laughed bitterly. “So you say.”
“Laney,” I said sharply, shocked.
“Stay out of it, Jenna,” she spat, casting me an ugly glance. “And get this guy outta here. I know who you are, Devon. You’re the Junior class slut. The next Kellen Coulter in the making. We don’t need any more of those around here so scram.”
Devon looked at me sideways, his face nervous.
I nodded my head. “You better go.”
“I’ll see you later?” he asked. He was already heading for the door, giving Laney and Kellen a wide berth.
I doubted we’d be hanging out again anytime soon thanks to this moment, but I nodded with a wan smile.
“You picked the sane one, man,” Kellen said dryly, offering Devon his hand as he made his dash for the door. “Well done.”
Devon hesitated as he looked down at Kellen’s hand. When I realized why, I panicked as well.
Devon would have to shake with the fingers that were just inside of me.
Finally, with no way out or reasonable excuse as to why he wouldn’t do it, Devon put his hand in Kellen’s.
It was so quick the way it happened. So fast the way the realization dawned on Kellen’s tired face and lit him up like New Years. His black eyes were electric as he clamped down on Devon’s hand and pulled him in closer.
“What the fuck?” he growled.
I don’t know if Kellen felt it on Devon’s hand or smelled it in the air around him, but he knew. And he was mad.
“What’s happening?” Laney asked, perplexed.
“What’s happening is that this little shit has had his about to be broken fingers all up inside Jenna.”
“Seriously?” Laney looked at me with surprise. Then pride. “About time.”
I wanted to slap her.
“I asked her if it was okay,” Devon tried to tell Kellen. “I didn’t do anything she didn’t want me to. I swear.”
“Oh really? She wanted you to put your greedy little hand down her pants? That was all her idea?” Kellen demanded incredulously.
“He’s telling the truth, let him go,” I snapped, feeling embarrassed. My cheeks were flushing again but for different reasons. “I liked it. I wanted it.”
Kellen met my eyes over Devon’s head and I couldn’t look away. He was shocked. Was he disappointed in me? I didn’t know, but a tear fell from my eye and rolled down my cheek as shame washed over me. I couldn’t look at him having him know this about me. Knowing I had been touched like this and that I’d liked it. That I wanted it again.
Kellen released Devon’s hand, his eyes never leaving mine. Devon wisely bolted through the door.
“Jen,”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered shakily.
I ran as well. I shot up the stairs as fast as I could go and slammed my bedroom door closed behind me. I collapsed on my bed, hugging my pillow tightly to me and I cried. I didn’t even know why. I was so embarrassed and scared and happy and sad. I had thought something good had happened. Devon was so sweet to me and I had felt so good. And now I felt so impossibly wrong and brokenhearted. Like I’d failed someone, but I didn’t know who.
There was a light knock on my door.
“Go away, Laney. I don’t want to swap dirty details,” I shouted.
When the doorknob turned, I nearly tossed my pillow at her. I didn’t want to see her right now because she’d never understand why I was crying. I didn’t even totally understand it, but when it came to our bodies and boys, Laney and I had never understood each other. She was a bombshell. A complete knockout from age twelve while I’d taken a couple of extra years to develop. Even now my breasts were simple Bs compared to her crazy Cs and they were never going to get any bigger. I was 5’11” and my body felt like it was all bone and tissue, none of it very appealing. If anything saved me, it was my face. Tall and too skinny as I was, I knew I had a pretty face. Too bad no one could see it from way up here.
“It’s not Laney,” Kellen said. He stepped into my room and closed the door quickly behind him. “I told her not to come in here.”
I quickly sat up and wiped the tears off my cheeks.
“Why are you here?”
“’Cause I’m an asshole and I need to apologize. I wasn’t going to do it through the door. You deserve better than that.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Yeah, I did. I was way out of line, Jenna. What happened with that guy…” Kellen paused, his lips tightly clamped together. He took a deep breath. “Whatever went on with him, that’s your business, not mine. I had no right to do what I did. As long as he didn’t hurt you or pressure you in any way, I should have stayed out of it.”
I bit my lip as I nodded my head. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to speak because I was pretty sure that sitting there under Kellen’s stare as emotionally raw as I felt, I was about to come apart crying again.
He suddenly came to stand at the foot of my bed. I looked up at him there in my room looking the way he did, me feeling the way I did and I hurt with something. It hit me everywhere. I didn’t know what it was but it felt lonely. Hollow.
“Can I tell you why I did it?” he asked, his voice deep and soft.
“Sure,” I whispered.
“I lost it on him because I keep thinking you’re thirteen. Because I look at you and I see you growing up right in front of me and I know it’s happening but I keep telling myself you’re a kid.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re so damn beautiful,” he said fiercely. “You’re getting more beautiful by the day and there will be more guys like Devon, lots of them, so I have to get it through my head that that’s okay. That a guy can touch you and I don’t have the right to break his face over it anymore.”
I chuckled. “When did you ever have that right?”
He smiled ruefully. “I gave it to myself the day I met you. When I realized you were too much piss for the boys your age.”
“I’m older now.”
“They’re still not ready for you.”
I sighed heavily. “I think it’s more like they aren’t ready for you.”
“That’s why I’m going to back my nosey ass out of your life and let you be.”
“Don’t you dare,” I said quickly, my eyes going wide with worry. “Don’t ever do that, Kellen. Promise me.”
“Jenna, I—“
I sat up on my knees and hurried to the end of the bed. I knelt there before him, my eyes on his, openly pleading. I was only a couple inches away, my neck craned back as I looked
almost straight up at him. Up over the bulge of his chest to the straight lines of his jaw. To the familiar crooked break of his nose. To his burning dark eyes that stared down at me.
“Please, Kellen,” I whispered. “You’re my best friend. You’re almost my only friend. Please promise me.”
I watched his chest rise and fall slowly. Then he asked in a rough whisper, “Promise you what?”
“Promise me you’ll never quit on me.”
He closed his eyes briefly. It looked like he was in pain but I didn’t understand it. I didn’t know what about this promise could hurt him, but I was relieved when he opened his eyes. When he nodded faintly.
“I promise.”
He put his hand on the side of my face, leaned down and kissed me on the top of my head. I felt the heat of his breath on my scalp, tickling through my hair and giving me goose bumps. Then he turned quickly and without a word he was gone.
Chapter Eight
Three Months Later
“I like your hog,” I told Kellen, glancing at him sideways. “Please, please, please tell me that you’ve started calling Laney your Old Lady.”
Kellen and Laney were back together after a brief break up following the Devon incident. Laney continued to accuse Kellen of cheating and finally he just couldn’t take it. He walked. They’d made up about a month later and things seemed good between them now. It wasn’t their first fight or their first split so it didn’t worry any of us very much. There was something that I couldn’t see that kept pulling them back together. Something that I assumed would always join them.
Kellen laughed, shaking his head. “I’d never live to tell the tale.”
“No, but it’d be funny while it lasted. When are you taking me for a ride on it?”
“Sorry, but no way. Your mom told me the day I got it that I couldn’t ever take either of you girls out on it. I think Laney will get a pass now that she’s eighteen.”
“Old Lady Laney,” I mused, enviously eyeing the back of the shining chrome and black Harley parked in the driveway. “It’s her birthday so I won’t be too jealous, but tomorrow I’ll hate her for it.”