by Tracey Ward
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
He forced a grin as he squeezed my hand.
Then I let him go.
Chapter Fifteen
“You’re in New York, you have to come see me.”
I grinned against my phone. “Oh do I? Am I legally required to see you?”
“I’ll write you a summons. I’m penning it now.”
“Well, when the judge signs it, I’ll consider it.”
“Are you really not coming?”
I chewed nervously on the edge of my fingernail, staring up at the ceiling of my hotel room. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see Alexander. I actually really did. The problem was that we had ended things between us last year when he’d moved to New York to join a law firm, giving up the fun and sun of southern California for a very different lifestyle. I wasn’t sure he’d be the guy I remembered and if he wasn’t, then I wasn’t interested. He’d been borderline vanilla to begin with. If I went out to meet him only to find he was all suit and tie making Alex a dull boy, I’d regret wasting the perfume.
Then again, what did I have holding me here? Kellen and Laney were out at some fancy-bought-my-wedding-dress celebratory dinner together. Kellen had been forced into a suit that made him look his usual miserable suit wearing self, a look I was beginning to notice more and more. When they came back from their dinner and he was able to toss those clothes aside, he’d be ready to cut lose and I knew what that meant for me and the walls and the sleeping. There’d be none. Not for anyone. I wasn’t really down with that.
“Text me your address,” I told Alexander.
“I’ll send a car for you.”
“No, I’ll take a cab. Send the address.”
“Jenna, let me take—“
I froze, pausing halfway out of the bed and wondering if I was leaving after all.
“Are we doing this again right off the bat?” I asked edgily.
I heard him sigh. “No. Forget I said anything. Especially anything so awful as let me take care of you.”
“So we are doing this right now,” I said in a huff, falling back against the sheets.
“We’re not. I’m not. I’m done.”
“Are you sure?”
“Can I say one thing about it?”
“You’ve already said a couple things.”
“One more won’t kill you to hear. I don’t understand it. I never intended to steal your independence or make you less of who you are. I didn’t expect designer dresses and high heels. I would have been happy every day with your Converse and your tank tops.”
“Alex, we gave it a shot. I didn’t fit.”
“That was never my opinion.”
“It was mine. I didn’t feel right. Besides, you took off to New York and I had my job in the shop in Cali.”
“And there are no tattoo parlors in New York.”
I closed my eyes. “I’m staying home.”
“You’re not home. You’re in a hotel.” His voice softened, turning to that coaxing rumble that I fell for so many times before. “If you’d come to live with me like I asked, you could be home in ten minutes.”
“Is there a Jacuzzi tub in this home?”
“No, but I’ll draw you a bath and use a straw to blow bubbles in the water.”
I chuckled. “That sounds like heaven.”
“Come see me, Jen,” he said softly. “Forget everything else. Just come see me to see me. We both know you have a plane ticket out of here tomorrow. It’ll be one night, no expectations. No pressure.”
“That’d be nice.”
“I’m sending you the address.”
I stood. “I’m putting on my shoes.”
“I’m filling the bathtub.”
“Do I need to bring straws?”
“What’s a man without a box of bendy straws? Just get here.”
“I’m on my way.”
I hung up the phone and fought the urge to stare at it. To debate my decision for the next ten minutes, change my mind, send him a coward’s text and go to bed with the pillow over my ears again. But it wasn’t what I really wanted. What I really wanted never had been and never would be so I had better start finding a place in the world with something I at least liked. And I liked Alexander.
The cab ride was short but the sex was long. Alexander was great that way. Slow, patient. Meticulous. I fell asleep in his arms wrapped in the Egyptian Cotton sheets on his bed with an alarm set and my mind sufficiently blank. I felt good right then. Secure and happy. Alexander always made me feel that way and it irked my mom to no end that that wasn’t enough for me. It bothered me to, but what was I supposed to do? I didn’t love him. I cared about him a lot and I loved being with him, but I wasn’t in love with him and I knew I never would be. I never could be.
Because I was ruined.
My phone beeped, signaling a text message that I blissfully ignored. Alexander grumbled in his sleep as he pulled me closer.
I dozed off again but it wasn’t long before it beeped again. Then the bastard started ringing.
I opened one eye to glare at the clock on the nightstand. 3:45am. What the fuck? My phone continued to blink, lighting up the dark room with a pulse like a living, breathing, nagging person. I clapped my hand over it to make it stop but my fingers slipped over the answer button. Suddenly I heard faint noises coming from it. Chaos and crying. Screaming.
“Jenna!”
I bolted up, shaking off Alexander and pulling my phone to my ear.
“Laney?” I asked, my heart racing in my throat. “Are you okay?”
“Oh, Jenna, thank God!” she wept. “I’ve been trying to call you. You have to get here. You have to help me. I can’t do this alone!”
I heard people in the background, an intercom sounding. Was she at the airport?
“Laney, where are you? Where’s Kellen? Can’t he help you?”
She whimpered pitifully. I could hear her breathing come ragged and strained.
“He’s dead,” she whispered.
“What?!”
Alexander sat up beside me. He pressed his hand to my back. “Jenna, what’s wrong?”
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t feel my heart beat. I wasn’t alive.
“Laney, what did you say? What happened to Kellen?”
“It was a drunk driver. He crossed the lanes. Hit on Kellen’s side. His heart stopped in the ambulance.”
I stood up abruptly, looking for my shoes. “Laney, what hospital? Where did the ambulance take him?”
“Mt. Sinai,” she breathed. “They took him inside but… but he’s dead. There was so much blood. He has to be dead.”
“Hang tight. I’m coming. Do you hear me, Laney? I’m coming and he’s not dead.”
“His heart—“
“They’ll restart it. He won’t die, do you understand? He can’t.”
“But—“
“No. He can’t,” I said, hanging up the phone as I spotted my shoes.
“What’s happened?” Alexander asked, also getting dressed.
I shook my head, my hair flying in a mess around my face. “Kellen and Laney were in a car accident. She’s at the hospital. Kellen is… he’s gonna make it.”
“Is that what Laney said?”
“No. Laney said he’s dead.”
Alexander froze, staring at me. “Jenna,”
“Don’t.” I spun around to point my finger at him, my eyes burning with rage. “Don’t you fucking say it. Everyone needs to stop saying it because it’s not true. He’s not dead. His heart stopped in the ambulance but they can restart it.” I bent down to pick up my shirt. I yanked it hard over my head. “He won’t die. He’ll never quit.”
“Jenna, you can’t know that,” Alexander said sadly.
“Yes, I can,” I said, choking back the tears that threatened to drown me. “I can because he promised me.”
Alexander went with me to the hospital. I was too focused and insane to fight with him. Besides, he knew Kellen too. The
y’d both started out at my dad’s law firm together. Maybe they hadn’t gotten along, especially not after Alexander and I started dating, but they had been close enough.
The city passed us by in a blur of lights and sounds. I didn’t see any of it. I don’t remember how long it took to get there, I only remember seeing the entrance lit in the distance and launching myself from the cab before it had stopped. Alexander didn’t even bother trying to keep up.
I burst through the doors and immediately started looking for Laney. I wasn’t surprised when I found her sitting in a chair with her face in her hands, her hair a rat’s ness streaked with thin lines of blood. It looked so bright against her blond hair. Almost glowing.
“Laney,” I called calmly.
Her head shot up. When she spotted me with her red eyes surrounded by streaked makeup, she sobbed and leapt from the chair. She was in my arms in an instant, shaking and crying against my neck.
“Where is he?” I asked softly.
“Surgery.”
“Thank God,” I breathed.
He wasn’t dead. I had refused to believe it but until now, I had dreaded it.
“I have to call mom and dad,” Laney said, pulling back and swiping at her face. “I don’t know how I’m going to tell them.”
“I’ll call them, don’t worry. Let me talk to a doctor, find out what’s happening and then I’ll call them.”
“They said they’d be out soon with an update.”
“Okay, then we’ll wait.”
‘Soon’ turned out to be nearly two hours later. The three of us, Laney, Alexander and I, all sat together in a row staring blankly at a television playing game shows on mute. Eventually I’d given up on the doctor and I called my parents. I knew they’d want to get on a flight out to New York as soon as possible and even though I felt bad being sketchy on the details, they needed to know.
Dad was calm and cool, always good in a crisis. I’d gotten it from him. I was glad I wouldn’t be there when he told mom. When he explained that the boy who had been like a son to her all these years was lying in a hospital across the country, clinging to life.
I glanced over at Laney, taking in her vacant expression, ruined evening dress and the bruises and cuts spotted all over her body. She’d taken a beating too but when the nurses had looked at her, they’d assured me no serious damage had been done. She was lucky. Her and the cab driver. They’d both walked away from the accident with no attention needed beyond Bactine and Band-Aids. Kellen and the drunk driver, however, were both in surgery. I looked away from Laney to check that the NYPD boy in blue was still standing by the reception desk, waiting. He was there, his face stoic. If that driver walked out of here, he’d do it in handcuffs.
He’d have to make it past me alive first.
“Miss Monroe?”
All of us stood up immediately when an older man in scrubs spoke to Laney. His face was impassive from years of experience handling ugly situations and giving bad news. I braced myself for the worst.
“How is he?” Laney asked shakily. She took my hand and pinched it hard.
“He’s stable,” the man said quietly. “They’re moving him into recovery. You can’t see him just yet, but we’ll keep you posted.”
“Will he be alright?”
His mouth tightened. I squeezed Laney’s hand painfully.
“We’ll have to wait and see. He suffered massive head trauma. His skull was fractured causing bone fragments to enter the brain. We’ve removed them but we have to watch out for cerebral edema. It’s a swelling in the brain. That’s our biggest concern. Right now we believe everything is clear but this is a crucial time. Things can change fast. I need you to be ready for that.”
“When can we see him?” Laney demanded. “When will he wake up?”
“I’m not sure. As I said, things can change quickly. He could wake up as soon as the anesthesia wears off, or it could longer. Quite a bit longer.”
“If ever?” I croaked, reading between the lines and speaking through my rapidly closing throat.
He nodded to me solemnly. “Exactly, yes.”
“Wait, what?” Laney shrieked.
“With head injuries this extensive there is the possibility that he will not wake up.”
“But you said he’s stable. He’s alive.”
“Machines are helping him breathe right now. His heartbeat is there but it’s weak. Now that he’s out of surgery he may get stronger or he may decline. There’s no way of knowing. Not yet.”
Laney groaned as she buried her face in her hands. I held her against me and let her cry into my shoulder again as Alexander shook hands with the doctor, thanking him. Then it was just us again. Just us and the ticking clock.
The long night cruised past morning and turned into mid-afternoon. Alexander went and found food for us, something to drink. I ate it but I didn’t taste it. Laney refused hers. Finally my parents showed up. Laney and mom cried together loudly in the middle of the waiting room as dad, Alexander and I waited patiently, looking at the floor. Nurses appeared with updates. He was still stable. No signs of swelling yet. As far as shit situations went, things were going well.
Alexander had to work in the morning and he hadn’t slept most of last night, so around dinner time he made his goodbyes. I hugged him tightly before he left. I thanked him hoarsely for everything he’d done. For being there. He kissed my cheek and told me to keep him posted.
My parents got a hotel room just minutes from the hospital. Dad talked mom into taking Laney there where he’d had our things brought over from our other hotel. She needed to shower and change out of her blood stained clothes. She also needed to rest. I was pretty sure mom was going to slip her an Ambien.
For six hours after that it was just dad and I in the waiting room. We didn’t talk much. We stared at the clock and we rose when the nurses came, but we didn’t have much to say. Finally, over twenty-four hours after I’d arrived at the hospital, we were told we could see him.
“You’ll have to wear scrubs,” the nurse warned us. “You’ll be in a sterile area. He’s still unconscious and there’s a lot of bruising and swelling around his face. His bandages will be a shock as well. Can you handle it?”
I nodded my head firmly. “I can handle it.”
“Alright. One at a time. Who’s first?”
Dad pressed his hand to the small of my back, pushing me forward. “She is.”
“Are you the fiancé?” the woman asked.
“No. But I am family.”
“Alright. Follow me.”
“Tell him we’re here,” dad called to me as I followed her. “Let him know we’re all right here with him.”
“But he’s unconscious,” I protested weakly, feeling suddenly afraid to be going alone.
“He’ll hear you.” He managed a strained, sad smile. “If he hears anyone, it will be you.”
The nurse led me down a long corridor and into a small exam room. There were green scrubs laying on the bed. Booties, cap and all. She waited patiently while I put on the gear with trembling hands. It was cold in this corridor but I was a nervous wreck on top of it. Once I was dressed, the nurse led me farther into the building. Deeper into the cold. I know they kept certain areas cold, especially around surgery, because it helped deter infection and bacteria growth, but I had the soul shattering thought that it felt like we were walking toward the morgue. I worried that the woman was wrong about Kellen. That he was dead and I was being shown the body. Tears stung my eyes as my breathing stopped, blurring the woman’s form ahead of me until I could hardly see clear enough to walk straight.
When she turned to show me into a door on the corridor, she hesitated.
“Are you alright?”
I swiped roughly at my eyes, nodding vigorously. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? You can take a minute. Breathe deeply. Exhale slowly.”
I did as she said. I went so far as to put my hand against the wall to steady me. When my body and brain
recovered, when they accepted we weren’t waiting outside the morgue, I stood up straight.
“Thank you,” I mumbled to her.
She smiled kindly. “You’re welcome. Now remember what I told you. And don’t touch him anywhere but on his hand. Only his left. His right is casted.”
“He broke it?”
“Badly. Yes.”
I nodded in understanding, but I wondered what that would mean for boxing. Would it ever heal entirely? Would he still be able to compete? Then I remembered he’d quit and I felt more anxious for him than before.
The nurse brought me into a small room where I could see a bed sticking out from behind a curtain. There were other curtains drawn nearby. Other patients recovering in seclusion. She led me to Kellen’s corner. Her hand was on my elbow the entire way.
When I saw him I nearly collapsed. He looked like absolutely shit. Like death had come for him, worked him over to within an inch of his life and left him hanging by a thread just to toy with him. But that was the thing. That was what nearly dropped me to the ground.
He was alive.
I chuckled/laughed/sobbed before putting my hands to my mouth. I felt like screaming in joy and vomiting in agony looking at him. The entire top of his head was wrapped in white. Some of the bandages looped down low over his right eye. His eyes, his deep as the bottom of the ocean eyes were blackened all around in harsh bruises that streaked down over his cheekbones. His nose had been broken. Again. His upper lip was cut badly, a small white bandage holding it together with the help of slick black stitches. His arm was in a cast as the nurse had warned me. I couldn’t see his chest or legs. I didn’t know what other damage had been done. Maybe none. Maybe more than I could imagine.
“You’re okay?”
I nodded my head. “I’m good.”
“Alright, I’ll leave you alone. You have five minutes.”
I didn’t ask why the time was so short. I didn’t tell her that I wanted to stay beside him until… I didn’t know. Until forever? I never wanted to leave him, at least not until he opened his eyes and told me to go. Even then I might not listen.
When the nurse left, I walked slowly around the bed until I stood beside his left hand. Looking down at his bare arm I was surprised at how perfect it looked. Compared to his face, the few small scratches I saw on his skin were shocking. I ran my fingertips down from his shoulder slowly, dragging them over the unmarred areas until I reached his hand. I slipped mine in it gently. I wove my fingers in with his. I held onto him.