by Kira Blakely
“Oh, don’t worry, El,” Jay reassured ne. He had decided on my nickname the first time he’d met me, commenting that I was far too small to carry around such a heavy name as Elspeth. “You’re not staying in the house, not enough bunks, and well, you know how men are.” He pointed to a motorhome, its wheels missing and the frame balancing on a variety of cinder blocks. “That’s the guest cottage,” he said proudly.
He and Finn piled out of the vehicle and immediately headed for a bank that overlooked a raging creek far below. I caught up to them, lagging a bit to let them have their guy time. What has Finn gotten me into?
I didn’t want to interrupt, but needed to find a restroom. I wished I’d gone before I left the jet. “Finn?”
“Yes, sweetheart?” he responded, a look of freedom and joy on his face.
“Uhm… where is the ladies’ room?” I asked.
Jay turned toward me. “Oh, sorry, should have pointed that out. Of course, you’d want to freshen up. Well, there’s no water in the guest cottage, so you’ll have to go where everyone does.” He pointed to a small outbuilding next to the train-car of a house. I knew an outhouse when I saw one.
I nodded slowly. “Okay, well, that’s fine, thank you,” I responded, dismay running through me. I looked around for an alternative solution and almost opted to squat behind a bush rather than enter that shaky squat box. However, I didn’t want to hurt Jay’s feelings. I picked my way through broken flower pots, dented lawn chairs that were missing seats and a variety of piles of something I didn’t want to consider. I turned to look at Finn, who waved encouragingly and turned back to the stream.
“Oh, my god,” I said to myself as I lifted the wooden bar that held the door closed. Just as I’d expected, the outhouse was nothing more than splintered boards nailed together, and not all the nails were sunk level. A hoard of flies were awaiting their next meal and swarmed me. I thought I would faint from the odor.
I rummaged in my pockets and found some rumpled, used tissues. Holding them over my nose, I gingerly approached the round hole cut into the seat of the outhouse. I couldn’t bring myself to look into the hole, knowing that I would see a mixture of waste and probably vomit. Due to my diminutive height, I could tell immediately that I wouldn’t be able to back up to the hole with any clearance. My need to go was growing stronger and my need to get out of the building exceeded even that. Drawing one last gargantuan breath through the tissues, I used them as seat covers and carefully, but quickly, laid them over the splinters so I could sit down. I squeezed to go as quickly as I could, bending my elbow to hold my sleeve over my nose and mouth as I stood and pushed the tissues into the hole. I spun on one foot and within two steps was once again in the sweet, fresh air of the afternoon sunshine.
The men were still standing at the edge of the bank looking downward, gesturing and retelling stories. All I could think of was how badly I wanted to shower and get a clean set of clothes and shoes. I knew I was out of luck and wondered where Jay showered. I only had to look at him briefly to realize that he probably bathed only in warm weather and in that creek. Of course, I had no idea of his set up indoors.
“I’m going to check out the guest cottage,” I called to Finn and he motioned his approval without even turning around. Watching carefully where I stepped, I headed toward the motorhome and used my last tissue to open the door handle. I leaned forward, trying to get a good look down the center aisle.
The stench of mildew struck me face on and my stomach recoiled. There may have been carpeting on the floor at some point in time, but now there was a series of plywood planks, evidently the floor having rotted through. What kind of nightmare was I in?
I stepped up the stairs into the vehicle and if I thought my first glance was horrible, nothing could prepare me for what was coming. The driver’s seat had been yanked out and in its place sat a porcelain toilet. Holding my arm over my nose, I leaned forward enough to see that it had been judiciously placed over yet another hole in the floor. There was no water source, so evidently it was intended that you just sit down, or in the case of a male, stand there, and aim.
There was a small kitchenette with a wall bench that served as seating for the table. The sink was piled high with a collection of old beer cans and used paper plates. They were peppered heavily by cigarette butts and rotting fish heads. I thought I would be sick on the spot, but I persevered and moved on.
The next area must have been used for sleeping. There was one, wide bunk, banked on either side by stacks of dusty, crumpled cardboard boxes that held what must have been Jay’s more precious salvage treasures. These were most likely the items that could not withstand the elements and therefore were being stored in the guest cottage.
There was a bare mattress, which consisted of little more than a two-inch layer of yellow, warped foam — the sort of egg carton foam that discount stores sold for mattress pads. It was stained with God knows what, and I knew there was no way I would lay down, much less sleep there.
If I had any doubts, they were quickly put to rest as a long, striped snake quickly scooted out from beside the bed and over my shoe on its way toward the toilet driver seat. I screamed, screamed again, and was terrified to the point that I couldn’t leave the motorhome. The snake stood between me and its doorway.
Finn must’ve heard me because I saw him turn and head toward the motorhome, trotting quickly and saying something to Jay over his shoulder.
I was still screaming when Finn leapt aboard and shouted, “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”
He must have seen the snake then, but instead of jumping out of the way, he leaned forward and picked it up. “Joe, old boy, how are you doing? It’s been a while. I wasn’t even sure you were still around.” He looked up to me, the snake resting over his shoulder with its head patrolling Finn’s palm. “Look, Elspeth, it’s Joe!”
I had stopped screaming by then, but shouted to him, “Get rid of it! Get rid of that snake!”
Finn looked puzzled, but complied, leaving the motorhome with the snake in hand. He walked toward the outhouse, and I saw him bend and let loose the snake in the grasses.
“It’s okay; you can come out now,” he called to me with a wave of his hand.
I was shaking outright as I ran down the aisle of the motorhome. I walked straight toward Jay’s car, opened the back door and climbed inside, slamming it beside me. “Finn! Come here!”
He looked at me, and I furiously motioned for him to come to me. He looked perturbed. After glancing at Jay over his shoulder, he began walking toward me, his shoulders slumped. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m not staying here another minute.”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“Look, I don’t mean to sound uppity, but you seriously cannot expect me to sleep here tonight!”
“What? Why not? Look, Elspeth. Jay won’t come into his money until his father dies. Right now, this is the best he can do.”
“Didn’t you tell me he graduated Harvard with you and with honors? Isn’t he a lawyer or something?”
Finn kicked at a clump of grass. “Well, something like that.”
“Please drive me to the airport and I’ll sleep in the jet. Or take me to a motel, and I’ll get a room. You can come back and sleep here, have a night with your friend, and I’ll be perfectly snug in my motel room with a real toilet, a shower, and a change of clothes from my suitcase. I can smell shit coming from the bottom of my sneakers, and they’re going in the trash.”
“Oh, now, you can’t do that. You’ll hurt his feelings.”
“I’m sorry about that. Make an excuse for me. Tell him I think I might be ‘preggers’ again, to use his term. Tell him I need to be in town and that this is too remote for me. I don’t care what you tell him, but get me out of here. Now!” I’d begun to raise my voice as we argued.
Finn held up his hand, trying to hush me. “Okay, okay, let me get Jay to drive us into town, and we’ll find somewhere for you to stay. But I’m staying here,
Elspeth. I came to see Jay and this isn’t too remote for me.”
“Good!”
“I have to say, though, you do kind of disappoint me.”
“Well… well… I’m sorry about that, but there’s only so much you can ask from me and this is way past that limit. Will you get Jay and let’s get going, please? I can feel things crawling on me.”
“Okay, okay.” His tone was sulky and he walked toward Jay, motioning him over. I couldn’t hear what was being said, but Jay finally nodded and he followed Finn back to the car.
I sat in the back seat, looking straight forward and unsure what to say. I didn’t want to hurt Jay’s feelings, but I was angry with Finn for not warning me. I could have dressed differently, brought some sort of accommodations… or something. But to spring this on me out of the blue was entirely unfair.
They climbed in, Jay started the motor, and backed up before heading back down the two-track drive toward the main road. There was silence in the vehicle; embarrassment and anger created a palpable tension.
I rolled my window down once we’d cleared the dusty cloud from his drive, breathing the fresh, clean air in gulps. It helped to settle my nerves. We hadn’t gone too far down the road when Jay turned down a blacktop road. I was puzzled—I couldn’t imagine there being a town there.
It was a long drive, lined with the natural trees and pines of the region and sporadically lit by black, wrought iron lampposts. It wound for probably a half mile before emerging into a clearing. At the head of the drive rested an enormous stone and log home. It was skirted by a broad, covered porch and a separate, smaller building sat at one end. A fan-shaped transom window made of stained glass depicting a sailboat capped double doors and the lawns were meticulously landscaped with general plantings of color flowers and bushes.
Finn turned around and looked at me, a steely look on his face. “Think you can stand to stay here tonight?”
I wasn’t sure what to say. It didn’t look like a hotel, but then what did a hotel in the upper Michigan wilderness look like?
I nodded, mutely.
There was an explosion of laughter from the front seat as Finn and Jay began to hoot and high-five one another in mirth.
Jay pounded the top of his steering wheel. “Boy we really had her going, didn’t we?” he shouted as he laughed.
I was dumbstruck. What was going on?
Finn climbed out and opened my door, reaching for my hand to pull me out. “Think you could stand to live here?” he asked. “This is for you, sweetheart. Your fifth anniversary present, from me.”
“Whaaaat? Finn, are you kidding me?” I shrieked. “This?” I pointed toward the house and started for it. “This? This is mine?” I jabbered as I approached the porch and peeked in the windows.
“Not so fast, sweetheart. Yes, it’s yours, but there’s something else I want to show you first.”
“More? Oh, now, Finn, what could be better than this?”
He came toward me, put his arm around me, and led me to the smaller building at the side of the main house. We walked up onto its small, covered porch and Finn knocked on the door. I looked up at him in question and then I saw the door curtain move slightly and the handle turned.
The door opened and there stood a woman. I looked at her for a long moment and then shrieked, “Mother? Mother!”
She held her arms open to me and I instantly fell into her embrace. “Elspeth, Elspeth,” she murmured over and over, tears on both our faces.
“Come in, come in.” She tugged my hand and stood back.
I started to follow and stopped. “No. I can’t. I’ve got shit on my shoes.”
Mother pulled back, unsure what I meant, and I kicked off my sneakers and followed her inside. It was a perfect little cottage, sized for one and everything was on one floor. Although brand new, it was rustically decorated with over-stuffed furniture, doilies, and ruffled curtains on all the windows. A cozy fireplace was centered on the far wall. Through a doorway, I could see a wide, four-poster bed with colorful pillows and a quilt that invited you in.
“Finn, Finn, this is my mother!” I was staggered by reality.
“I know, sweetheart, I know. We’ve met.” He was smiling broadly.
“But how?”
“Never mind that now. That’s all in the past. She’s here to stay, for good, and you, the kids, and I will be living right next door.”
“The kids… oh my god… Mother, did you know you’re a grandmother? Three times?”
She was nodding with a beauteous smile. Although she had aged, her wrinkled face looked peaceful for the first time in memory. “Yes, I know. Finn told me about them. I’m looking forward to holding them on my lap.”
“Oh, Mother,” I cried softly again, holding my head against her in a hug. “I just can’t believe you’re here and this is all over, finally.”
“Yes, Elspeth, it’s all over, thanks to that handsome young man standing next to you.”
Jay spoke up. “You mean me?”
Finn snarled at him in mockery. “You go on back to your snakes and outhouse. I wasn’t sure how much longer she’d stay conscious,” he said in good fun.
Jay hugged both my mother and me, shook Finn’s hand, and waved goodbye.
“Where’s he going?” I asked.
“He has an estate about ten miles from here,” Finn told her.
“Oh. Then who lives in that… that…”
“Shack? Don’t know. It was there when I bought the property and we left it alone, planning on this little joke. I’ll have it torn down and cleaned up. Don’t worry.”
My mother smiled at me. “Elspeth, now you run along with your husband and look at your new house. I’m going to take a nap, and I’ll visit with you tomorrow. I believe this is your anniversary?”
I felt simply overwhelmed. All I could do was nod and hug her again. I turned to Finn and held out my hand. I waved at Mother one last time as we left and headed to the big house. On the porch, Finn scooped me into his arms. “I believe we missed out on the bride through the doorway last time,” he mused and motioned for me to turn the door handle.
Inside awaited a three-story tall beamed ceiling with flanking staircases that reached a broad landing with windows on the upper floor. The tour became a haze as Finn pulled me through bedroom after bedroom, a nanny’s quarters, a great room with a massive fireplace, a half dozen bathrooms and a magnificent kitchen. There was a his and hers study—mine was set up with computer equipment that Finn told me was already hooked to the Internet so I could begin writing again. The nanny would stay with us permanently so I could enjoy time to myself. She would also eventually home-school the children for the time being.
I lost count of the myriad rooms, especially when Finn took me downstairs, and I found almost an identical set-up to that of the lake house. I loved the home theatre.
“What about the lake house?” I queried.
“Oh, we’ll keep that, too. I know you like the water there. It’s only an hour or less away by the jet and you can come and go as you please. Besides, you might want to visit Neenah from time to time,” he teased.
“Oh, Finn, I love you so much! How can I thank you?”
“You can begin by getting out of those stinking clothes, into the shower, and then into my bed. I have another little present for you but you won’t get it until you get there.”
I was only too happy to comply. It took several tries to rediscover the master bedroom, but it was magnificent. One entire wall was one-way glass, giving us the feeling we were in the woods but no one could look in and we had total privacy. My luggage was opened on a rack, and I pulled out what I needed to bathe and make myself presentable. It had grown dark while I was in the bath and when I emerged, Finn was lounging naked on the bed, a tray with champagne and nibbles resting beside him. He poured a flute for me and held it out.
“To us,” he toasted as we touched glasses. “I love you, sweet Elspeth. You have always been, and will continue to be, a mystery to
me. I’m the luckiest of men!”
I took a sip, handed him the flute, and slid between the covers on the far side. “You were saying?”
He set the tray on a side table, folded back his side of the covers, and crept toward me. “You didn’t forget, did you?”
“I try hard never to forget anything again,” I replied.
He reached below the bed pillow and pulled out a narrow, long box wrapped in gold foil with a navy, velvet ribbon. “Me, either,” he added. “This should help,” he said, handing it to me.
I’d had no presents growing up – they simply were a luxury we couldn’t afford. With childlike enthusiasm, I sat up, my hair falling over my naked breasts as I crossed my legs and ripped off the paper.
Inside I found a box and when I opened the lid, there was a necklace. Not just any necklace, but one that spelled out my name, just as the first one had. This one, however, was spelled out in diamonds set in platinum.
“Oh, Finn,” I breathed in amazement. “It’s gorgeous. You must have had this made for me.”
“Of course.”
I handed it to him, and he fastened it around my neck.
I turned to face him. “How does it look?”
He answered me with kisses. His tongue began nipping at my neck—something I loved that sent chills through me. I responded by blowing into his ear and sucking his neck, too. His hands began retracing the pattern of my body, something he had come to know very well. Finn broke away long enough to point toward a sofa-looking piece of furniture across the room. “Do you know what that is?”
I was busy kissing his neck and simply shook my head.
“That’s a tantra chair,” he explained. I didn’t react so I guess he figured I didn’t know what that meant. He stopped my kissing and took my hand, pulling me off the bed and over to the chair.
“You’ve heard of the Kama Sutra?” he began.
I shrugged.