I punched at the air as the thought repeated in my skull—the man I’d loved my whole life was suddenly out of the picture. I shook the thought from my head as sweat dripped down my face, back and neck. I was on the second hour of the kickboxing dance video.
I couldn’t stop. If I did I wouldn’t be able to think about anything but Adam.
My door opened, and I ignored it, huffing as I pushed myself to keep going.
I needed to keep going.
“That’s just gross,” Bobby said.
I ignored him, but darkness was beginning to vignette my vision. I’d pushed myself too hard. It wouldn’t be the first time, and I was sure it wouldn’t be the last. Instead of being able to stop and sit I found the blackness pitching in on me uncontrollably.
“Shit,” I mumbled as my knees collapse, and I fell onto my face.
When I opened my eyes the shower head was pounding water into my vision.
“What the fuck were you thinking River?” Adam yelled in my face.
I blinked to clear the water from my sight and watched as Adam leaned forward to shut the water off. In my peripheral vision I could see a worried Bobby taking up the whole doorway. My head tittered on my shoulders as I looked back at Adam.
“What are you talking about?” I asked, my words slurred.
“How long were you working out like that?” Adam pushed.
“It looked like she’d been doing it for hours,” Bobby answered for me. “She was literally soaking wet in sweat, and her water wasn’t even open.”
“Why’d you do that?” Adam asked. His tone softened as he wrapped a towel around me and pulled me into his arms.
“I was frustrated,” I said as I let my head fall to his chest. I couldn’t have fought him even if I didn’t want to be in his arms, which I did.
His body rumbled with a laugh. “What could ever make you that frustrated?”
I didn’t want to fight, and I didn’t want to suffer in silence anymore. It wasn’t like I could come up with a good excuse right now anyways, so I answered truthfully, “You.”
He must have been holding his breath, because it came out in a whoosh as he shut my bedroom door behind him.
“I think you need to go to the hospital,” Adam said, and his voice cracked.
“Why?” I asked as he laid me on my bed.
He knelt down beside me and brushed a soppy piece of hair out of my face.
“You need your head checked if I made you that frustrated,” he said as his Adam’s apple rose and fell.
His warm eyes searched mine, and I wondered what he was looking for.
“I think you’re dehydrated,” he finally said.
“So get me some water,” I replied, but it sounded silly in a whisper.
“You probably want to change out of that,” Adam said as he stood with his fists clenched and white.
I looked down at my soaked clothes and attempted to stand, but ended up falling forward. Adam caught me in his arms once again.
My head felt so heavy that I couldn’t even hold it up, and it was thudding. God, was it thudding.
“I think you might need to help me,” I said, squeezing my eyes shut as my brain threatened to explode.
“Are you sure?”
“It’s nothing you haven’t seen before,” I reminded him.
I felt the muscles of his arms tense around me at the comment.
“If you don’t mind,” I added.
Adam’s chest rose against mine and he tilted my chin up with his index finger. “I’m a guy, of course I don’t mind.”
My pulse pounded in my ears from the intensity of the comment and as Adam set me back down on the bed I squeezed my eyes shut again. I tried to interpret the meaning of his answer, but I couldn’t think straight.
Damn him. He was so difficult to understand right now.
“What do you want to wear?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” I answered, opening one eye; “just grab something comfortable.”
“What’s comfortable in the bra department?” Adam said as he opened my top drawer and turned bright red.
I burst out laughing. “See something you like?”
Adam blinked a few times before looking up at me. “Lace, lots of lace.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I answered.
I put my head down on my pillow, lightheaded from the laughter and watched Adam frown at me.
“Nothing is comfortable in the bra department,” I replied.
“Underwear?”
“I can live without it.”
“Well, I’m not letting Bobby see you naked. That’s for my eyes only,” Adam said as he leaned up against my dresser, his chest rising as he glanced over at me.
“Grab me a baggy t-shirt and a pair of yoga pants,” I said as a shiver went up my spine.
For my eyes only , I liked the way it sounded. I didn’t like the mixed signals, though, especially when I was having trouble comprehending what a simple comment meant.
“Alright,” Adam replied as he opened a few more drawers, turned red again, slammed it shut and then opened another.
“You couldn’t warn me you have a sexy lingerie drawer?” he hissed.
“Suck it up,” I said as I closed my eyes with a satisfied smile.
I was enjoying his reactions, and it made me think maybe Jesse was right.
“Does this work?” Adam asked, hovering over me with his shirt and a pair of hot pink yoga pants.
“Yes,” I said as he helped me sit up and slid my sports bra over my head.
Adam paused for a second before lifting my arms and dropping his shirt over me. I stood, leaning against him for support and pulled my spandex workout shorts and underwear off in one swoop.
Adam looked straight ahead as I struggled with one pant leg and then the other.
“You going to be okay?” I asked.
“Yeah, sure,” he muttered.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you not to look in that drawer,” I said as I sat back on my bed and grabbed the towel to dry my hair.
“Here, let me help you.” Adam sat down behind me and took the towel from my hand. “You look lightheaded.”
I sighed. “I am.”
For more than one reason.
He pulled my head into his lap and gently rubbed my scalp with the towel. I closed my eyes, and when I woke I was wrapped in Adam’s arms on the couch.
“Hey,” Adam said as my eyes fluttered open.
“Hey,” I repeated back to him.
“You scared the shit out of me,” Bobby said from the armchair across the way.
I leaned up to look at him. “I guess it’s a good thing you came in when you did.”
“I guess I should’ve known what to do, but when I saw you collapse I called Adam over.”
“It’s fine,” I said as I sat up, head still pounding. “Can I have some Motrin ™ ?”
Bobby jolted up and went to the bathroom.
He came back a moment later with a bottle and a frightened look on his face.
“Why do girls have that much stuff in their bathroom?”
“Because they’re girls,” Adam said, smirking at him.
“Thank God I live with you, bro!” Bobby joked as he went to the kitchen to get me a glass of water.
“Yeah, because guys are just a bushel of roses to live with,” I said with my lids half-shut in sarcasm.
Bobby handed me the pills, and I chased them down with the water.
“I don’t think you should go to work tomorrow,” Bobby suggested. “You still look like a ghost.”
“I can work from home,” I answered, nodding towards the laptop on the coffee table. “I’m big time now.”
“Sure you are,” Adam said, elbowing me in the ribs. “And it’s all because of me. I saw the photographs in the salon the other day. They’re amazing.”
“You’d swear you two really were in love with each other,” Bobby butted in, and we both turned to stare at him.
; Bobby shrugged, but his eyes darted from Adam to mine in a telling fashion. He was fishing for information, and that meant one thing, Tara hadn’t made it so he was completely over me.
“I guess that’s what happens when you’ve known someone for such a long time,” I said after drinking the rest of the water. It was Adam’s turn to sit and wonder what I meant. “I’m sure it’d have been the same if you were there instead of Adam.”
I felt Adam’s hand tighten on my waist, and I looked over at him. He was staring at the TV with his jaw clenched and neck red beneath the five o’clock shadow he’d developed over the week.
Bobby looked between us and coughed.
“I’m ravished, anyone else want pizza?” Bobby asked.
“Yeah, I’ll go get it,” Adam answered as he stood.
“We can get it delivered,” I reminded Adam, but he already had his keys out of his pocket and one hand on the door knob.
“I need to go for a drive,” he replied before slipping out the door.
“Pepperoni!” Bobby called at him.
“That was weird,” Bobby said as he came to sit down next to me, pulling me into his big arms. “Actually he’s been weird all week—must be what happened with Kiki.”
“Shut up!” I said with a disapproving shake of my head.
“You called her it, not me!”
“That whole night was a blur—speaking of which, how goes it with Tara?”
I needed to think about something other than Adam’s strange actions. His caring for me was no different than our whole lives, but his open flirting had been, and then his reaction to my comment about Bobby—that had been out of character too.
Bobby shrugged. “It hasn’t even been a week yet. We have a date Friday. Speaking of which, why don’t you and Adam join us? You’re both single, so you could use some time out with normal people like Tara and I. Maybe it’ll inspire you guys to go out and find some normal people to date.”
“Yeah, because you and Tara are the bane of normal,” I fired back.
“So are you in?”
“Yeah, if you can convince your brother to go—I think he’s kind of pissed at me.”
“So what happened in the bedroom?”
“What?” I asked, my pulse rising at the thought that he might have heard something that night.
Had I been loud? I couldn’t remember, but my body was tingling from the thought.
“A few hours ago?”
“Oh, that…nothing.”
“Was there another bedroom incident I should know about?” Bobby pushed, and his blue eyes bore into mine as they searched for an answer I couldn’t give.
“No, not at all.”
Bobby bit his cheek and looked away from me. “Alright.”
I knew he didn’t believe me. It was all over my face.
Chapter 26
Adam barely talked to me when he returned with the pizza, and he talked even less to Bobby. The next morning the two brothers had come to check on me, and when Bobby rushed out to go to work, Adam soon followed. It was as if he was afraid to be alone with me, and the feeling was only confirmed by the fact he darted down the stairs the following day to avoid walking out to the cars with me. I was shocked when Bobby called me around midday and told me he convinced Adam to go to dinner with me, Tara and him.
Tara came over to get ready like she always did, but for the first time ever I was a nervous mess.
“Help me!” I begged her as I flung another outfit on the bed and flopped down with my head in my hands. “I have no clue what to wear.”
“Wow,” Tara commented, hands on hips. “I’ve never seen you like this.”
I looked up at her and huffed, throwing my hands up as I fought with the churning in my stomach.
“Alright, Alright!” she answered. Her laughter was obvious in her tone as she turned to my closet. “What are we looking for here? Sexy, coy, irresistible?”
“Lace,” I said, sitting straight up. “Find me something with lace!”
Tara’s eyes widened. “Sexy and sophisticated it is!”
She dug into the back of my closet and pulled out a blush pink sheath dress, which was overlaid in soft lace. The shoulders and what there was for a back were completely sheer.
“So?”
I squealed as I grabbed it from her. “I don’t remember buying it, but hell yes!”
“Nude lipstick, and cat eyeliner—irresistible!”
“You’re the best,” I said, pulling her into a tight hug before rushing into the bathroom to change.
When I came out dressed and dolled up, she was sitting on the couch in a sapphire number that pulled the blue from her ever changing eyes.
“Now,” she sat up ordering; “you have to help me do my hair!”
I went to the bathroom and grabbed the curling iron, waving it with a smile as I walked back into the room.
“Curls?” she questioned.
“Yup,” I said as I leaned over and plugged it before running my fingers through her already waving hair. “I’ll just give it a little bit more than what’s natural.”
I was happy to style her hair. It kept my mind off of Adam and settled some of the anxiety that kept bubbling in my insides and making me dizzy.
“I’m good,” I said as I came to the front of her and took in the messy bun with light curls framing her heart-shaped face. “Go take a peek.”
She squealed as she came out. “You’re amazing!”
I took a bow. “Told you so!”
“Hello! Hello!” Bobby called as he barged in the door without knocking.
“What if we weren’t ready?” I said with my hands on my hips.
“Sure as hell looks like you’re ready!” Bobby observed, a whistle coming out of his lips as he looked between Tara and me.
I smiled at Adam behind him. He was only looking at me, and it made me want to rush into his arms and kiss him—to feel his skin against mine again.
Amazing he mouthed, and I tried not to show the breath I had to take.
Tara nudged my back and whispered, “I think it’s working.”
“Ditto,” I replied.
“So where are you boys taking us tonight?” Tara asked, linking her arm through Bobby’s.
“Bella Noch é ,” Bobby replied as he led the way out of the apartment.
Adam waited for me to lock the door, and we fell into step well behind them.
“They’re good together, no?” I asked, nodding towards the laughing couple.
“Yeah,” Adam said.
We walked in awkward silence to the car, which only continued in the car while Bobby and Tara chatted happily in the backseat. It made me painfully aware that Adam wasn’t speaking to me at all. I was going insane. I wanted to smack Adam for the silence that suddenly engulfed our relationship.
“So how’s work?” Adam finally asked as we stood outside the restaurant as we waited to be seated.
“Good, Jesse is giving me a lot more responsibility now. He seems to really trust me with the photography thing,” I answered, trying not to grind my teeth.
Years of friendship had turned into this? How’s work?
“He should, you do an amazing job,” Adam said with a stiff nod, his hands in his pockets.
“Yours?” I asked.
I’d play along with his game as long as I could hold it together, but I didn’t feel like that would be much longer. My pulse was quickening, and I could feel the sweat dampening my body.
“Good,” he answered with a shrug. “They make me take the lip ring out now. The kids think it’s a bummer.”
I looked up at the piercing and had to close my eyes as I remembered the cool feeling of it running across my skin.
“Yeah, it’s quite the masterpiece,” I managed to say.
“It’s chilly out here,” Tara said as she looked between the two of us.
The look in her eyes said it was more than the weather making her uncomfortable.
“There’s two chairs inside,” B
obby said, nodding to the only free space inside the waiting area. “You guys mind?”
I swallowed and shook my head. “No, go ahead. Let us know when our table’s ready?”
“Of course!” Bobby smirked as he slung his arm around Tara’s waist and ushered her in.
Tara mouthed talk to him over her shoulder at me. I grimaced at her and tugged at the hem of my dress.
Great, now she was abandoning me because she thought we needed space to talk. I took a deep breath and glanced up at Adam.
He stood in front of me as I leaned against the brick wall, and his eyes darted from me to his feet. He stopped pacing, and looked up at me. In that moment I knew I’d had enough of the silence and games. I’d always been able to talk to Adam openly, why should this be any different?
“So now you’re just going to act like nothing happened?” I said as I crossed my arms more from annoyance than the cold.
He shook his head. “Come on Riv, you know it’s not like that.”
“What is it like then? Huh? You’ve already moved on from it?” I pushed, stepping towards him. I was angry, and I wasn’t hiding it at all anymore.
I needed an explanation.
He didn’t move away. Instead he rubbed his chin with his hand, his throat rising as he thought of what to say.
Finally he spoke, “I’m moving forward while standing still…I’m stuck on the way you feel—the sensation of your skin against mine, but it doesn’t mean it’s right. I shouldn’t have—I’m sorry.”
My insides twisted at his pained expression.
That was the problem with Adam, I couldn’t be mad at him when he was honest with me. I shook my head and put my arms around his neck. I could feel the stubble on his chin against my forehead as he pressed it there with his hands resting lightly on my hips.
“I can’t,” his voice came in a crack.
The desperation in his voice was misplaced and as his eyes danced over my face I knew he was just as broken as I was. That kiss, those caresses—the feeling of his skin against mine had shattered our perfect friendship. There was no turning back now; having him was the only thing that would make me whole.
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