“I’m sorry I freaked out,” she said. “It wasn’t you. Everything was perfect. It was me.”
“What was wrong?”
“I was just nervous. My body’s different now than it was before Jaden… I didn’t know if you’d like it. I… I haven’t been with anyone like this since before I got pregnant.”
“That long? Shit. I wouldn’t have expected you to wait for me if I knew you were in the middle of a drought,” I told her. She smiled.
“I would have been an awful lay. Missionary with the lights off, underneath the covers. No touching.”
“You’re smoking hot, hon. Any man would be so lucky.”
“You’re just saying that so I’ll let you fuck me again.”
“You’ll let me fuck you? Who just mounted and rode me like a horse?”
“You were going to have another night alone with your hand. I felt sorry for you.” I poked her in the ribs, making her jump. I rolled on top of her, supporting most of my weight on my arms, so I didn’t hurt her. “I’m saying that because it’s true. You’re gorgeous.”
She bit her lip looking up at me.
“Thank you,” she said quietly. No clever comment, no knowing smirk. She didn’t take compliments like a woman who got them a lot. Thank you, like I’d just fixed her dishwasher. Did she not know? Of course, she knew; she had mirrors in her house—I’d seen them. Didn’t she think so, though? She leaned up to kiss me. I could feel my jizz rub onto my stomach from hers, but I didn’t care.
“Can I ask you something?” she asked.
“Go ahead.” I propped myself up on one arm so I could face her as I laid down beside her.
“When did you start using?”
Shit. No preamble or anything.
“I had just turned seventeen. My last shot was when I was twenty. Just before I went to jail.”
“You stopped in jail?”
“I had to. They didn’t really give me the option to keep going.”
“Just like that? Cold turkey?” I nodded. “What about the withdrawal?”
“That was fun,” I said sarcastically. I had thought I was going to die. I had wished many times that I would. It was dope-sickness without the light at the end of the tunnel of another high. “Like the worst hangover you’ve ever had, but your body’s covered in sweat, and you can’t stop shaking.” She cringed.
“If you hadn’t gone to jail, would you have stopped?”
“I was going to end up in jail one day, for one reason or another. If I hadn’t, it would have killed me, and I’d have stopped then.”
“Don’t talk like that.”
“Like what?”
“Don’t joke about dying,” she said. Maybe I’d almost done it so many times that I wasn’t afraid of it actually happening. I was afraid of it happening now, but I hadn’t been then.
“When I was using, I wished that I would die,” I told her. “Being a junkie isn’t fun. It was dangerous and pathetic. People died all the time. You want it so you can stop needing to get high, and you don’t want it because you want to still get high.”
“I’m glad you made it out alive,” she said, looking into my eyes. Yeah. I was too.
“My mother didn’t need to see all her sons die of the same bullshit disease,” I said.
“You got clean for her?”
“For my family,” I said vaguely. “Are you sleepy?” I asked because this was becoming a bummer. She shook her head.
I made her come again in the shower before we passed out.
18
Adina
“When are you going to invite me over?” I asked. I dangled a ring of colorful, plastic toy keys over Jaden’s face. He grabbed for them, giggling, trying to put them in his mouth whenever he caught them. Second naptime hadn’t really worked out today. He wasn’t asleep half an hour after I’d put him down, so I let him hang out with us on the bed.
“My living situation is a little complicated at the moment,” Marcus said. He was on Jaden’s other side, on my bed, facing me. Us. The work week had been sort of slow which meant Marcus and I had been spending a lot of time together. Marcus, my boyfriend and I had been spending a lot of time together. It excited me to be able to call him that. Finally, the part of this relationship thing that I was good at. The part that I could actually do.
We had events all weekend. It was Friday; Jared was most likely on his way to pick Jaden up at that very moment. That meant our weekend, barring work was wide open. I had suggested taking Jaden and going for a walk or something, but Marcus had been fine with staying in.
He was okay staying in most of the time, in fact. It helped that he was sober. Clubs held no appeal for him, but he seemed a lot more… wild. Not the kind of guy who’d spend nights in with me and my baby. I had recovered from the incident at the hotel. Marcus had been very nice about it. So nice that when I’d gotten home, I’d checked my stomach and hips to make sure the white streaks were still there. Maybe he hadn’t noticed them. Maybe I was projecting my insecurities onto him, and he genuinely liked what he saw when I took my clothes off. Pumping before we got intimate helped, but there was still a little spillage when we would do it.
It was a nice sort of rhythm. Spending time with both of them, together. The left side of the bed had become Marcus’s. He was stretched out on his side, looking really relaxed. Comfortable. I was comfortable too. I felt like we looked like a family. A couple and a child. A couple and their child. Mother, son and… mother’s boyfriend; was it wrong to say, father? Jaden had a father already. I stopped myself before I managed to get carried away with the fantasy.
“What does that mean? Are you in the middle of a move or something?” Hanging out at my place was convenient for me, and Marcus didn’t seem to mind, but I wanted him to open his life up to me. We hadn’t been even once.
“Do you remember my brother—Jonny?”
“Yeah? You’ve mentioned him.”
“He sort of lives with me. He’s on house arrest so we would never be alone if we went there.”
“House arrest? What did he do?”
“Same thing I did, but not as well because he only got a misdemeanor. Fuck. I wish I could tell you something good about my family. We’re all convicts, or fuckups, or both.”
“I don’t think you’re a fuckup.”
“I am a convict,” he said pointedly.
“Ex-convict. Now you’re a law abiding, tax-paying citizen,” I said.
“Yeah. Nice and boring, the way you like them, right?”
“I do not date boring men,” I said, defending myself.
“You have until this point. What did Jaden’s dad do? CPA?”
“No, he sells houses.”
“Because that’s exciting?” I shrugged.
“It was stable. Reliable.”
“Boring. Predictable. He’s a bastard anyway for doing what he did to you. A bastard and an idiot.” His hand was on Jaden’s belly, tickling him. He was very gentle with him. I appreciated that he never made me choose. He would lose every time, regardless, but he wasn’t rejecting my baby. He didn’t just want to see me when Jared had him, or when I had a sitter over. He seemed to, dare I say, like him.
“If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were jealous,” I said looking at him.
“I’m the one who’s here with you and Jaden, not him,” he said seriously.
“We still have a child together,” I said, peering down at Jaden. He was looking between the two of us with the keys in his mouth.
“Now you’re trying to make me jealous of him,” he said smirking. “I don’t want anything he has. I want you,” he said.
“You’ve got me, but he and I have a child,” I whispered.
“I know. I’ve met him. He’s great,” he said smiling. He was very handsome when he did. “I know you have to keep Jared around, for Jaden, but I don’t want to back off. I don’t like it, but I can respect that he’s Jaden’s legal father.”
“You don’t have to do anything,
like be involved with Jaden if you don’t want to,” I said.
“Does he have Jared’s last name?” he asked, not acknowledging what I said.
“He does, and mine too. Jared and I weren’t together when he was born, and I was mad, or loopy from the drugs. I was going to give him just my name; then I realized what a bad idea that could have been and hyphenated Jared’s.”
“I’m not taking one of you without the other,” he said. The sincerity in his eyes caught me off guard for a second. “I’d like to be part of Jaden’s life too if you want me to be.”
“Did you ever want kids?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted, “but I’ll be whoever to this little guy that you need me to be.” I leaned forward and kissed him, sitting up so I could move over to his side of the bed and kiss him again, so Jaden wasn’t between us.
“You can’t make that promise and flake on me,” I said looking down at him.
“Try get rid of me,” he challenged, smiling. “It won’t work.” He kissed me, not letting me lead, even though I was leaning over him. I believed him, but I didn’t want to hold him to anything I couldn’t trust him to stick to.
It was too early for that, but I appreciated how much he cared. How he factored my son into his relationship with me. How much gentleness was in that large, hard body when he handled him. I’d keep the family fantasies to myself. He was amazing in them, to me and to Jaden. He would give me what he could in real life, and I’d fill in the blanks when I was alone.
The doorbell rang interrupting us. I pulled away from Marcus and started getting off the bed.
“Jared’s here,” I sighed. Marcus stood picking Jaden up and handing him to me. “Could you help me get his bag?” I told him where it was, and he left to get it while I got the door.
I pulled it open. He was there alone—thankfully.
“Hello,” he said robotically.
“Hi. Three days?”
“Right… how are you?” he asked.
“Fine,” I said, sort of surprised that he was making small talk.
“You look nice,” he added. Did I? I was wearing shorts and an old t-shirt. My hair wasn’t done, and I had no makeup on. I didn’t care whether he thought I looked nice, and unlike a little while ago; I wasn’t trying to impress him.
“Thanks,” I said. “He didn’t nap well today, so he might fall asleep earlier than usual tonight,” I said handing Jaden over.
“Thanks. Are you working tonight?” he asked.
“No, I-”
“Here’s his bag. Did you already pack his…” Marcus stopped midstream. “Jared,” he said instead. The two men looked at each other and my entire body clenched. They seemed to make immediate readings of one another, and both were radiating hostility.
“Adina, who is that?” Jared demanded.
“I’m Marcus. Adina and I are together. I’ve heard a lot about you… none of it good.”
“What? Does he speak for you?” he asked me.
“No. Jared, this is Marcus. My boyfriend,” I said.
“Your what?” Jared asked, amused. “Don’t lie to me, Addie. Where’d you find this guy?”
“Hey, you got questions? I’m right here,” Marcus said walking up to Jared. He held the bag out to him. “Don’t feed him the formula stuff. Adina wants him on breast milk exclusively till he’s at least six months old,” he said smiling. Jared looked like he would explode.
“Adina, can we speak? Alone,” he said. I looked between the two men.
“You two go ahead,” Marcus said to me, “I’ll take Jaden.” I watched as Marcus approached and Jared predictably recoiled.
“You’re not touching my son,” he snapped.
“Jared, please,” I interrupted. I took Jaden and handed him off to Marcus. They went to the nursery. “What’s gotten into you?”
“Your boyfriend, Adina? Who the fuck is that guy?”
“Marcus and I are together,” I said flippantly.
“No,” he said shaking his head. “If you’re doing this to prove a point or get back at me, it’s worked. Okay? You win. You fucking win.”
“Get over yourself, Jared. My love life is none of your business.”
“I don’t want him near Jaden.”
“Why?” I asked cocking my head to the side. “What’s wrong with him? What do you know about him that I don’t?”
“Don’t play games when it comes to our son, Adina.”
“You’re the one playing games, Jared. Threatening to take Jaden from me? That was low. I’m not going to vet all my boyfriends through you because you won’t do me the same courtesy. I trust your judgment as Jaden’s dad concerning who you let him meet. Marcus wouldn’t be in this house if I didn’t believe he was safe to have around our son.”
“You’re really fucking that guy?” he asked angrily.
“I don’t ask what you and Janice do together,” I said to him. “Tell me whether I should pick him up or you’ll drop him off.” I walked to the nursery to get Jaden. Marcus was holding him, and they were standing at the window.
“I’m sorry about Jared,” I said. He turned to face me. Jaden had one of his fingers grasped in his little hand.
“You know what? I am too. He’s a piece of shit.” He walked up to me.
“Yeah… I found out too late. Please don’t engage him. I just want him to leave.” We walked back into the living room, and Marcus handed Jared the baby, wordlessly.
“I’ll drop him off Monday night,” Jared said. He leaned in suddenly and kissed me on the cheek. I staggered back slightly because I hadn’t been expecting it. He didn’t touch me anymore unless it was our arms brushing as we handed the baby off to one another. Marcus moved beside me putting himself between Jared and me.
“Go on and fuck off now, buddy,” he told him. He was just a little taller than him but quite a bit more muscular. Jared was lean, but Marcus had mass to him. Thicker arms, back, thighs.
“Take care of her for me, will you? By the way, little tip; she likes it when you pull her hair when you fuck her. Don’t be afraid to talk dirty. She likes it when you call her a slut.”
“Adina, take the baby,” Marcus snarled. I got between them, gently pushing Marcus back inside.
“Get out of here, Jared,” I said over my shoulder. “Marcus. Marcus.” He finally looked down at me, and I saw the rage in his face. “Please get inside. It’s not worth it. Please.” He relaxed and moved back when I pushed him. I handed Jared Jaden’s bag and quickly shut the door.
Marcus was pacing the room like he would blow up if he stood still.
“Marcus, stop,” I said gently. I walked up to him and grabbed his arm. He stopped. I ran my hands over his arms and chest.
“I’m sorry he said that to you,” I said. I leaned up to kiss him softly on the mouth. He felt tense under my hands like he was holding his rage back physically.
“If he wasn’t holding Jaden, I would have punched him in the face.”
“Calm down,” I said ardently.
“Did you hear what he said? About you?”
“He said it to make you mad and you’re giving him what he wants.”
“If he says something like that again I will murder him,” he said. I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him close, resting my head on his chest.
“I don’t care what he says. Don’t listen to him.” I kissed his chest softly. He finally relaxed, squeezing me back. I looked up at him and held his face so he would look at me. “No violence. Not around my son,” I said firmly. He looked like he wanted to object. His jaw was set hard, and his eyes were burning.
“He can’t talk about you like that. He can’t treat you the way he does. I don’t want him to touch you again.”
“He won’t. I’m talking about you,” I said. “I don’t want Jaden to see that and think it’s alright. He’s still young now, but what about when he’s old enough to know what’s going on. No fighting, and definitely not with his dad.” He sighed and looked down, frustra
ted.
“I can’t promise anything.”
“I just want you to try,” I said. He wrapped his arms around me and pressed me into him tightly.
“He’s a prick,” he whispered.
“I know.” He looked down at me and moved a lock of my hair from my face.
“Don’t have any more kids with him,” he said. I smiled.
“I won’t.”
19
Marcus
It’s weird when you have a job. If you don’t just hate the people you work with, you sort of end up becoming friends. Sort of like in prison. I was part of a team after all. If I didn’t play nice then how do the crudités get passed?
I was grateful for my job. I was. Really. Being employed was one of the conditions of my probation. The money was better than I expected. The people were… fine. I didn’t have to have conversations with them, but I couldn’t ignore them if they spoke to me. The guys I worked with were uh… let’s just say we didn’t have that much in common. A lot of actors and artists and writers. Not many felons.
There wasn’t one of my colleagues that I would hang out with outside of work, though, unless you were counting Adina as one of my colleagues, then I’d spend all my time outside of work with her.
I mean, of course I would. I was her boyfriend. She said it herself. Jared’s face, when she did, was fucking priceless. I didn’t need any help forming an opinion of that guy, but he hadn’t done anything to improve it. He was a piece of shit, and I wished he wasn’t Jaden’s father. I hated that he had the only good reason there could ever be to not leave Adina alone.
I hated him. Something about him was fucked up, gave me a bad vibe. Like the kind of guy you wouldn’t want to leave alone with your kids… no, the irony was not lost on me. Of all the guys in New York City, it had to be that one. We all made mistakes. That was okay. This was the same woman who had chosen me. Comparing myself to Jared made me a little sick. I didn’t want to be her next mistake. He was pretty much the best example I could have asked for of the person not to become.
Marcus (Heartbreakers & Troublemakers Book 5) Page 14