by M. Malone
Oh hell no. “I feel like a bloody wanker for believing her. There’s a part of me that might hate her.”
“Is that why you tried to kill Rafe earlier?”
I frowned. I examined the round of emotions from earlier. Rafe holding a knife to Gemma’s neck, and the rage that flooded through me. I shook my head to clear it. “I don’t know what that was. She lied to me and pretended to be something she wasn’t. I don’t feel anything.”
Max nodded and then flipped back through his notes before pinning me with a stare. “I’m going to read back the events of earlier to you, and then you tell me if that sounds like a man who doesn’t care.”
The doc’s notes were surprisingly accurate. I felt like I’d been a rat in a cage conforming to exactly how I’d been expected to perform. Move by move, blow-by-blow, punch for punch. You’ve been a pawn. As the doc spoke, the rage boiled under my skin.
Why couldn’t they just leave me alone? I’d left to protect them. And now they’d interrupted my solitude.
“While you’re reading – yeah, okay fine, maybe I didn’t want Rafe to hurt her. I know what he’s capable of. And fine, I’m angry with her, but I don’t want any more bloodshed.”
The doctor nodded and held up his hand as if they were going to respectfully disagree on that. “Why don’t you tell me why you left?”
I blinked. “Are you mad? I’m a danger to everyone. I had to get out of there. Lucia, JJ, Izzy, they were all in danger from me. Everyone was in danger from me. I already proved that with what I did to Noah.”
“When you woke up that day, was it your intention to kill Noah?”
“No. Are you fucking listening, mate? I don’t know what happened. The monster I keep chained up got loose, and some bad shit went down. So I left to bloody get away from everyone before it happened again.”
Max nodded. “So, you came in with Gemma, and after discovering who she worked for, you sat down with Rafe and Noah. You were angry, but you didn’t hurt Gemma.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to be violent.” I glanced at him and curled my shaking hands into fists. I didn’t want to show the weakness. I didn’t want to show how I was feeling. I didn’t want to let the emotion out. A part of me feared what that emotion would do.
Will anyone else get hurt because of me?
“I thought I would never hurt any of them. They’re the only family I’ve ever had. Real family. I don’t know what happened. I couldn’t guarantee it wouldn’t happen again, so I left.”
“So you came in ready to let Noah handle Gemma and the situation, but somehow you left scared. What changed? What happened?”
I frowned. I gently probed the corners of my brain to see if it would still be intact if I tried to think about that one-minute span at the penthouse where my whole life had changed. I poked at the Gemma memories. The ones where I was wrapped around her, her warmth seeping into my body, making me feel safe and happy. Those wounds were fine.
Then I probed the last happy memory of sweeping her hair off her neck before seeing that cluster of dots that was her call-sign tattoo. The anger welled, but there was no pain left in that memory. Piece by piece, I walked through the events of that morning, right up until the sit down with Noah and Rafe. I was able to probe until the point where Gemma gave excuses, and she was pleading with me, and then—
Pain.
I could feel it between my eyes, rapidly spreading through my whole head, exploding and radiating to my extremities, crippling me, making me curl up into a ball.
In the distance, I could hear rushing footsteps, shouting, and arguing.
The one thing that permeated the ball of pain was the doctor’s calm voice. “You have to let this happen.”
And then Gemma. “He’s in pain. Can’t you see? What did you do to him?”
“It’s not what I did to him. Someone planted a code in his head. Neuro-Linguistic programming, along with something else. When I examine a specific memory, this happens.”
I tried to pull my brain in focus. Pain. God, the pain. I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t master it. All I wanted to do was die. I was vulnerable, too vulnerable. Exposed. I didn’t even have my weapons.
I heard Noah’s voice. “Doc. We need to do something.”
“Oh, we will. Now that I’ve confirmed my suspicions, I can help. But right now, he has to ride that wave through the pain. There’s nothing I can do about that. In the meantime, Gemma, say the phrase again.”
Gemma’s voice was soft. “But it’s hurting him. I’m the cause of his pain.”
Max’s voice was the one I could hear the most. “No, someone else did this to him. I suspect it was a long time ago. They just used you to trigger it and take him over.”
The last voice I heard to avoid the pain was Noah’s. “Is there a way to undo this? Undo what they did to him?”
“Yes. But I suspect it’s going to be more painful than anything. He didn’t stab you. Someone programmed him to annihilate everything in his path. Because he knows that all of you are family, it’s the only reason that everyone is still standing. It’s because he’s so strong that Noah walked away with only a shoulder wound. Someone wanted him to be dangerous. Someone wanted him to be a soldier… a soldier for them. They triggered him. But Matthias was stronger than they thought. He resisted.”
As the edges of my vision went gray, I struggled to focus on what they were saying, but I couldn’t understand it. The doc was saying I wasn’t a monster. Someone had made me this way. The last thought I held on to as the darkness washed over me was that there might be hope for me.
6
Gemma
He was back. It had been two days of everyone watching him warily and several sessions with Max. But I could see it. He was back.
I hated to think that I didn’t have any faith left, but after everything that had happened, I hadn’t been sure I’d ever see the real Matthias again. But now as he gazed down at me like the sun, the stars and the moon were all reflected in my eyes, I could feel it. My Matthias was back, the one who only showed his true self to me.
“I was so scared,” I whispered.
Somehow, he understood exactly what I meant. Matthias pulled me closer until I was right under his arm, nestled against his chest.
“We’re going to figure this out. Doc and the guys seem to know more about this than I do. And they believe that we can undo the programming.” He sounded annoyed at the idea that someone else could know more about a subject than he could.
I smiled at that. My super genius and his ego.
“I’m here every step of the way,” I whispered and cuddled closer, unashamed about needing to be near him right now.
Taking a nap in the middle of the day had become a necessity for him to help manage the pain of the headaches. I had spent an embarrassing amount of time just watching him sleep, grateful beyond all measure that he was okay and consumed by guilt that I had inadvertently caused this.
Had the Family known the extent of the destruction they’d unleashed? They’d sent me in completely unprepared, and for what? What value did an unhinged Matthias have to them? Or maybe that was the wrong assumption. Maybe they didn’t need him to have value.
They needed him to be eliminated.
What better way to take care of an enemy than to make him a danger to himself and those around him? They’d probably figured that ORUS or one of Noah’s team would take him out for being a threat. But they’d forgotten to consider one part of the equation. Something the Family couldn’t possibly understand.
Love.
Matthias was surrounded now by people who loved him. And they were willing to brave his darkness to keep him in the light.
“I love you,” I whispered.
Matthias went still and then looked down at me, his face carefully blank. Then he shuddered and grabbed me so tightly I could barely breathe.
“Say it again,” he muttered, the sound muffled against my hair. The shock in his voice filtered through easily thou
gh, and there was a waver in his voice, almost like he was ashamed at needing to hear it again.
“I love you, Matthias. So much.” I hoped that my words could express not just how I felt about him but also that he was worthy of it.
His lips pressed against my hair and then against my temple. “I was so afraid that you would never look at me the same way again. That every time you saw my face, all you’d see is a monster. Because that’s what I am, Gemma. That’s what they made me.”
I pushed back until he could see my eyes. “I see the monster, but I also see you. The boy who tried to protect me and the man who is trying to save me even now. I see all of that, and I love you still. Nothing can ever change the way I feel.”
When our lips met this time, there was nothing hesitant or gentle about it. Matthias shifted until he was lying on top of me, and his lips didn’t release mine for so long that I finally had to turn away to gasp for breath. But I clutched him tightly, just as desperate to keep him close. Now that I had him back, I was afraid to let go.
“I may be a monster, but I’m your monster. All of this, every broken part, is yours. And I would die before I let anyone hurt you, Gemma. Even me.”
It scared me how solemn the declaration was, and I grasped his face between my hands. The energy was practically vibrating off him he was so wound up. I held him still.
“That’s the last thing I want. I need you here with me. Promise me.”
He hesitated. I sighed. It was frustrating, but I understood why. He was still in the weeds of what had been done to him. No doubt he foresaw a bad ending and wouldn’t want to tie me to him. Well, fuck that. I was going to be there for him whether he was ready for it or not.
“Promise me,” I demanded again.
His mouth fell open on a pant when I wrapped my legs around his waist. “I promise.”
His hips rotated, thrusting his hard length between my legs. I reached down and gently tugged on the cotton shorts he was wearing. The material gave way easily and his hard length fell into my hand. I reveled in the warmth coming from his skin, my thumb brushing gently over the metal on the tip of his erection.
His answering groan was like music and I experimented, tugging gently on the ring before venturing lower to stroke and tease.
“You don’t know what that does to me.” He gritted out the words before flipping us over, settling me on top.
I hastily pulled the T-shirt I’d slept in over my head and threw it on the floor. Matthias’s eyes heated as his gaze landed on my breasts, his fingers going directly to my hard nipples. The brush of his fingertips over the sensitive points made me lose my train of thought, but I was quickly brought back to it when I felt the hard length between us.
“Ride me. I want to see you fall apart. To give you all the pleasure you deserve.”
It was still nerve-wracking to be so on display, but it was Matthias and the look in his eyes could convince me to do almost anything. So I rose up, grasping his cock in one hand and guiding it between my legs. I was so wet already that it slipped easily between the lips of my sex. We both gasped at the sensation.
“I don’t really know what I’m doing,” I began as I rubbed him around in circles.
Matthias chuckled darkly. His eyes were hot on mine as he said, “Oh, I think you know exactly what you’re doing to me.”
The blatant sexual appreciation in his eyes banished the last of my nerves. I felt like a goddess as I slowly sank down on him until his full length was buried inside. By the time I was done, we were both gasping and Matthias looked crazed. His fingers flexed against my waist, like he was scared to touch me.
“Make love to me, Matthias. I don’t want you to hold back. Not with me.”
His eyes flared with lust and love. Then I gasped as his fingers tightened around my waist and held me in place as he thrust upward. The motion sent his cock right against my G-spot, and I screamed at the pleasure before I could stop myself. Thank God this cabin was so remote, or we’d have the neighbors calling the police.
Matthias grunted as I finally found my rhythm, rocking against him as he thrust upward until we were moving in sync. He was so hard and filled me just right. Every thrust of his hips brought me closer and closer to unraveling.
“Come with me. I love to watch you let go.”
I could see in his eyes that he was on the edge, and it was so hot that it put me there too. With no warning, I clenched down on him as my orgasm whipped through me. All I could do was hold on as Matthias moaned with me.
Matthias
Hours later, I was staring at the ceiling while Gemma snored softly next to me. One hand moved up and down lazily, caressing her hair while she slept. The shiny, black strands slid through my fingers over and over again while I marveled at my good fortune in being there to see it.
Gemma was mine. And nothing would ever take her away.
It should have scared me, the certainty that she was mine. Nothing had ever really belonged to me before, not even my own body. First as a member of the Family and then as part of ORUS, I’d always seen myself as a tool. An extension of something bigger than me. But then again, I’d never had anything I’d truly wanted to keep for myself. Not until now.
Not until Gemma.
I sat up slowly, disentangling myself carefully so as not to wake her. She probably thought I hadn’t been aware of all the time she’d spent watching me sleep, but I knew. Waking under her watchful and loving eye had given me something I’d never had before. She was worried about me, and for good reason. But I was determined to take care of her, too. And right now, she needed sleep most of all.
I tiptoed out of the room, leaving the door to the bedroom ajar slightly so I could hear when she woke up. The soft light filtering through the cabin windows had that slightly violet tinge that told me it was dusk. We’d slept the whole day away, and already I was itching to get back to her. It took all of my self-control to ignore the urge to go back in the bedroom and slip beneath the covers. I could hold her close again, breathing her scent and feeling her soft hair against my skin. But that would be counterproductive because it would only make it harder on me later if a tough choice had to be made.
“Hold on to what makes you human,” I repeated out loud.
Everything the doc had said made sense in the abstract. The programming gave me certain instinctive reactions but ultimately, I was still in control of things on a conscious level. I had to keep the things that made me want to live in the forefront of my mind. Hold on to the people and the things that made me who I was, not the soldier or the machine.
Although I knew it would probably be for the best if I did leave. Gemma would be hurt, but over time, she’d adjust. Settle down somewhere, be safe and happy. Eventually she’d marry some guy who could give her the normal, stable life she deserved, not a loose cannon who was likely to flip out at any moment and possibly harm her without even realizing it.
If I were a different man, a better man, I could let her go to find that life. But I wasn’t, and her fate had been sealed. She was mine and had been since the first moment I’d realized who she was.
It was up to me to be the best version of myself I could be. For her. It was all for her.
Slim arms circled my waist, and I stilled.
“What are you doing out here?” Gemma rested her head on my back, and the warmth of her cheek permeated through until I swore I could feel it in my core.
“Thinking. Wishing.”
“My wish already came true,” she whispered.
I scoffed at that. “Did you wish that a homicidal maniac would lead you on a wild chase to a secluded cabin in Canada?”
She giggled, and the sound was so unexpected I almost looked around to see where it had come from. This was a side of her that I always wanted to see. Light-hearted. Happy.
I resolved right then and there to always keep her that way. No matter what it took.
“No. Not exactly,” she replied. “But I did wish that I could see you again. That th
ings had worked out differently that day by the river.”
“And here we are,” I finished.
Gemma nodded, eyes shining. It wasn’t often that I thought I was lucky. A fucked-up childhood leading to an even more fucked-up adulthood had pretty much driven home the fact that I wasn’t ever going to be one of the lucky ones. The ones with the parents who loved them and baked them cookies and shit.
But maybe, just maybe, we could create our own luck. With Gemma by my side, I could conquer anything, especially if it meant keeping her safe. My past with the Family would come to a head, we’d handle it and then move on. Was it too much to believe that we could have a life after this? Live together, maybe buy a house one day with a fence and a dog?
And even though it was a long shot, I had to believe that this whole thing was going to work out.
7
Matthias
By the time the rest of the guys returned to the cabin that afternoon, I was ready. I knew what was coming, and even though the thought of talking about my past with the Family made my stomach churn, I was ready for it.
It was time to put it out there and face it head-on.
“Matthias. You’re looking well.” Max assessed me with a keen eye, making me feel like I’d just passed a test.
I wondered what the doctor had expected. For me to have a nervous twitch? Be sweating and shaking? Hell, if he hadn’t been sure that I was okay the last time, then he never should have left me alone with Gemma!
As if she could sense my unease, Gemma appeared at my side and rested a gentle hand on my arm. The touch had the instant effect of a Valium. I smiled down at her, hoping it didn’t look as goofy as it felt. Being around her brought out the lightness and the ease that I hadn’t felt in years.
This is who I should have been, I thought absently as Rafe, Noah, and Ian filed in after the doctor and took their places in the small, cramped living room. Seeing all the men close to Gemma was already bringing out my protective urges, triggering the assassin to pull close to the surface. But when I was with Gemma alone, the part of me that I’d thought had died when I was a child woke up from years of slumber. She humanized me and made me remember why life was worth living.