Sierra simply couldn’t forget the feeling that came over her as she doused the burning cross with water. She’d known who she was in that moment; Dorothy and Sierra were one and the same now. All the courage and faith and love that Dorothy and Mary and John had were also inside of her. John . . .
He’d said that he loved her. Sierra played the dream back in her head as she got out of the shower, dried off, and put on a comfortable T-shirt and some pajama pants. Mary and John were both important to her in the dream, but it was John who she was searching for at the end of the dream. It was John who said that he loved her and would love her forever.
Sierra took a seat at the chair in front of her easel by the window. When John held her and confessed his love, she felt so good. Better than she had ever imagined she could feel when someone said that to her. John was so handsome, and smart, and kind. With him, she felt like her true self. She was comfortable.
“And he’s a figment of my imagination,” she said aloud. “He doesn’t exist.”
She knew that developing such strong feelings for someone in her dreams was probably not the healthiest thing. At this rate I’ll be in therapy for another year. This time she purposely didn’t say the words out loud, lest she make the thought true.
Thinking of the therapy took her back again to yesterday’s appointment. She had let her secret out. Someone else knew, and the earth continued to spin on its axis.
She looked at the blank canvas sitting on the easel before her and smiled. An idea had just come to her. She stretched her hands above her head and reached for the ceiling to get her muscles loose. Then she began to mix several different hues of blue on the palate. Once she got the perfect blue, she began to paint.
Sierra got up from her chair and realized that her legs had gone to sleep. She looked out the window and saw how high the sun was in the sky; several hours must have passed. No wonder. She gave her thighs a couple of punches with her fists to try and get the feeling back.
Her stomach was growling, so she headed to the kitchen. As she opened up the refrigerator, she heard her phone buzz and ring once, though the sound was muffled. She looked over into the living room and saw her purse still sitting on the couch where she’d thrown it when she got back from her appointment with Dr. Cayden. She got her phone and swiped the screen, and Steve’s name came flashing up.
“Good morning. What are you doing?”
Sierra got those now-familiar butterflies in her stomach, and a huge smile began to spread across her face. “Nothing yet,” she typed, “what are you doing?”
“Now that I know you’re free, I want to spend the day with you.”
That was Steve. He always made his feelings clear.
Sierra thought about her day yesterday and how tired and drained she was. She felt a lot better this morning, and even better after painting—but she wasn’t sure if she was in the mood to socialize after dealing with something so heavy. On the other hand, one of the points of the session was to allow herself to date and trust, and she had fun with Steve. Maybe she needed a little more fun in her life.
Not “maybe,” definitely! she thought. Especially considering all that she had been dealing with lately. Her mind was made up. “Ok,” she texted back, “as long as we do something fun.” She added a smiley face emoji, which she never used to use.
Steve responded immediately: “Deal!”
“When I said I wanted to have fun, this was not what I envisioned,” Sierra said as she grabbed shoes from the rental desk at the bowling alley.
Steve grinned. “Just wait and give it a chance.”
After his last text, he had called her to set up a time to get together. Once they decided on two o’clock, Steve suggested that Sierra dress comfortably and to make sure she wore socks. As per his instructions, she had dressed casually, in jeans and a comfortable turquoise top. Steve had picked her up at the appointed time, looking handsome in jeans and a gray shirt, and they headed off.
The fact that Steve suggested she wear socks should have given Sierra a hint that they might end up at a bowling alley. But it had been ages since she had bowled. The last time she could remember doing it was when she and a group of friends had gone in college. As far as she could remember, she wasn’t very good at it.
The bowling alley was busy on this Saturday afternoon. Families, teenagers, and couples alike filled the chairs on every lane. Steve and Sierra headed to their designated bowling lane, and as Sierra picked out a ball that wouldn’t be too heavy for her to carry but would still roll fast enough to knock down a few pins, Steve put their names into the lane computer to keep score.
Their respective missions accomplished, they both sat to change their shoes. They exchanged smiles and Steve asked, “Are you ready?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be. Are you?”
“Absolutely. Ladies first!” He waved his hand toward the lane.
Sierra rolled her eyes and got her ball. “I’m not very good at this, so I hope you keep your expectations low,” Sierra joked.
Steve laughed. “Don’t worry about being good. Just try and have a little fun.” He clapped and cheered encouragingly from his chair as Sierra walked up to the lane, making her laugh.
She stood at the line, staring the pins down, and tried to empty her mind and relax. She let her hand go back and released the ball. Steve, still cheering, came up behind her as the ball went in a straight line down the lane.
With a crash, all the pins came tumbling down and the screen above the lane screamed, “Strike!”
Sierra couldn’t believe it. She jumped up and down as if she had just won a championship, shouting, “I did it, I did it!”
“Yes, you did. Are you sure you don’t do this often? I think you’re trying to hustle me,” Steve said, laughing.
“Whatever. I promise I don’t do this.”
They enjoyed her victory for a while longer, and then Steve took his turn to bowl.
“All right, all right, no pressure. Just do your best and have fun,” Sierra mocked, echoing his advice.
Steve shook his head and chuckled, then went up to the lane and straightened his back. When he released the ball, it flew speedily toward the center pin and knocked all the pins down . . . except for one.
He turned to Sierra, who was clapping and trying to hide a smug smile. “Good job. Good job!” she cheered.
Steve was a good sport about it; he seemed to be more interested in the good time being had than whether or not he was winning.
Sierra got up to give him a high-five, and after slapping her hand, he grabbed her up in a hug. Sierra was surprised by the move, but she allowed herself to be swept up in his embrace; she enjoyed the feel of his arms around her.
Steve didn’t hold on to her for long; he set her down a second later, and as she got ready to take her next turn, he tilted his head in the direction of the snack bar. “I’ll go get us some soft drinks and snacks,” he said. “Don’t go knocking down all the pins while I’m gone!”
They spent the rest of their time at the alley laughing and letting go. They joked, they flirted, and they had a blast. It was the first time that Sierra could remember having so much fun with another person in a long time.
Around five in the afternoon, the couple had done all the bowling they could stand for one day. Sierra had won the first game, and Steve the second and third, but it didn’t matter to either one of them who won. They’d had a really good time.
As they left the bowling alley, Sierra said, “So now what?”
“Are you hungry?”
Sierra looked up and placed her finger on her chin, tapping lightly as if really giving the question some thought. “Yeah, I think I am.” She wasn’t sure how that was possible, since they’d eaten pizza slices and nachos throughout their time bowling, but her stomach was definitely growling.
Steve smiled. “What do you feel like eating?”
“I think I want Chinese food.”
“You’re ready to mix Chinese food in with
all of the other things that we’ve eaten today?” Steve asked, laughing.
Sierra nodded and smiled. “Why not? Are you scared?”
“No, if you’re willing to risk it, then I am too,” he said good-naturedly. “Did you have a place in mind?”
“I sure do,” she said. “I know just the place.”
When they reached the restaurant, Steve didn’t fail in his good manners: he opened the door for Sierra, pulled out her chair, and made her feel cared for. They ordered wontons and spring rolls for the appetizer, and beef stir-fry and kung pao chicken for the main dishes, and before and after the meal came, they continued the easy banter and conversation that had become the norm between them. They talked more about their families, their jobs, and their plans for the future, as well as Sierra’s painting and Steve’s coaching, while simultaneously flirting.
“I think it’s great that you’re painting so much,” Steve said when Sierra mentioned that she’d spent that whole morning working on a new piece. “I would love to see some of your work!”
Sierra nodded. “Maybe someday I’ll show you.”
Steve talked about the mentoring and coaching he did at a community center near his school. “They do all sorts of activities—sports, arts and crafts, cooking. It’s awesome. The kids love it, and it gives them something constructive and educational to do during the hours they aren’t in school.”
“Sounds like fun!”
“It really is. You should check it out.”
Sierra thought back to how much fun she used to have in college with the kids she tutored and mentored. “I think I will,” she said, and meant it.
They carried on at the restaurant for several more hours. Even after the wait staff had cleared all the plates and the check had been paid, Steve and Sierra sat and drank water and soft drinks, joking and laughing.
Finally, they looked up and realized that the restaurant had gotten extremely busy. The evening patrons were starting to come in. Sierra opened her purse and looked at her phone. It was nine o’clock. When she looked up again, Steve met her eyes, and he seemed to know what she was going to say before she said it.
“We should probably get going,” she said regretfully.
“Are you sure? Do you want to go somewhere else?”
As much fun as Sierra had that day, she was wiped out. “No, I think I’m tired. We should probably call it a night.”
When they reached Sierra’s condo, Steve walked her to the front door.
“I had a really good time. Thank you,” Sierra offered first.
“I’m glad,” Steve said, “but did you have fun? That was the main goal today. That was my responsibility.”
Sierra beamed. “That was both of our responsibility, and yes I had a lot of fun. Did you have a good time?”
Steve looked in her eyes. “If I’m with you, then that’s always a good time.”
Sierra glowed under the warmth of his gaze. He leaned down to kiss her and she met him halfway. Their lips met in a kiss that was both playful and brief.
All too soon, it ended, neither one seeming to want to take things too fast.
“I want to see you again,” Steve whispered as he took Sierra’s key and placed it in the lock.
“Okay,” Sierra agreed immediately and turned the key in the lock. She pushed the door open.
“Good night, Sierra,” he said, walking away still facing her, waiting for her to get inside the house before he turned away.
“Good night, Steve,” Sierra replied. She flashed him a huge smile before closing her door and turning the lights on. For the rest of the night, she held on to the best feeling she’d ever had.
Chapter 31
Sierra woke up the next morning feeling well rested and happy. She rolled over and looked at the sun shining through the window. It looked as though it was going to be a beautiful Sunday morning. She turned to the alarm clock she’d set the night before for 8:00 a.m., and saw that it was 7:58; she reached over to turn it off before it rang.
She had felt so alive after the date that she’d had a hard time getting to sleep. Instead, she’d found herself working on the painting she’d started earlier in the day, and had ended up working on it for hours. When she finally headed to bed around one in the morning, she had checked her phone and noticed a text from Steve, wishing her a good night and pleasant dreams. She texted him back after climbing into bed, wishing him the same, and then set her alarm to make sure she woke up in time for church before drifting off to sleep.
Sierra couldn’t remember having dreamed anything, so either she hadn’t had one or she was back to having dreams that she couldn’t remember. Both scenarios seemed plausible, and she wasn’t sure how she felt about either one. Certainly she wouldn’t miss the dreams that left her feeling terrorized. Were they really over? Had facing one of her major fears in talking with Dr. Cayden on Friday, and then letting go and having fun yesterday, made them stop?
Maybe the lessons she needed to learn had been learned, and now the time for her dreaming was over. A sudden sadness filled Sierra at the thought. She began to grasp that she had become attached to the people in the dreams. If she had no more dreams, then there was no more Mary or John, and she loved them. Sure, she had people in her real life who reminded her of her dream-mates, but would it really be the same?
With a sigh, still turning these questions over in her mind, she pulled herself out of bed to get ready for church.
Once again, Sierra hadn’t let her family know that she was going to church so that she could sit apart. The service was very good; the pastor talked again about faith and applying faith in your life. Sierra found herself moved to tears for a second time.
When he gave the invitation to come forward and receive Christ, Sierra felt compelled to get up and go forward—yet she didn’t. Something inside of her was still holding her back. She didn’t know what it was, but she didn’t feel ready.
Sunday dinner was another repeat of the prior week, with everyone pretty much getting along. She felt thankful that no one asked her about her therapy. Irene and her mom did ask about Steve and Dale; however, they seemed to take her “things are going fine” at face value, without asking for more details.
Most of the attention that evening was centered on Ron and his new job, and for that Sierra was grateful. She knew that Dr. Cayden wanted her to talk to her family about the abuse, and she would. Just not today, she thought. She wanted to enjoy the banter between her family members for one evening, without the spotlight turning on her—and she got her wish. She was safe. She went home that night and talked to Steve on the phone for a while before going to bed.
The rest of the week went by relatively uneventfully. Sierra showed some properties and got a seller ready to begin to stage her home for sale. After work each night, she pulled out the painting she’d begun on Saturday and painted until she got tired. She was feeling so good that she canceled her Friday appointment with Dr. Cayden. As far as she was concerned, the breakthrough had been made, verified by the absence of dreams. She felt as though now she could move on.
Wednesday came around and she found herself in the neighborhood of the community center that Steve had mentioned to her. She took a long look at the building before deciding to pull over and park. She had a little time on her hands, and it was still early afternoon, so the schools hadn’t let out yet. She thought it wouldn’t be very busy inside. It was a good time to check it out.
As she entered, a security guard at the door greeted her.
“Hi,” Sierra said, suddenly nervous. “I’m here to see about possibly volunteering . . .”
“I’ll show you where to go,” he immediately offered, and walked her to the office of the director of the center. When they arrived, he knocked on the door and called, “Jim! I’ve got someone here to see you.”
The office door opened, and a tall man with an athletic build and a friendly smile emerged. He shook Sierra’s hand. “How can I help you?”
“I’m interest
ed in learning about volunteer opportunities here,” Sierra offered, and as she said the words, she felt more confident about her decision.
“Great. Let me show you around and tell you a little bit about our programs, and you can tell me about what you do, and we can see what would be a good fit,” Jim said pleasantly.
They walked around the center, looking in the different rooms used for classes and tutoring, and also at the gym, where most of the athletic activities took place. Sierra told Jim about her job in real estate and about how she enjoyed painting and was pretty good at it.
“That’s great!” Jim said. “We’d love to have you help with arts and crafts, and possibly tutor or mentor kids interested in art or business. You can put all your skills to use here, if you’re up for it.”
Sierra smiled. “I’d love to start off helping with arts and crafts,” she said. “And maybe also do some mentoring, but let’s hold off on that until I have a better handle on how much time I have available to help.”
“Sounds perfect to me,” Jim said. He walked her back to the office, where he had her fill out the volunteer paperwork, and then they nailed down one day a week for Sierra to come in and help with arts and crafts.
“How did you find out about us, by the way?” Jim asked.
“Steve is a friend of mine,” she said. “He mentioned that he volunteers here, and that I might enjoy it—he told me I should check it out.”
Jim smiled at the mention of Steve’s name. “Steve is very active here,” he said. “And well liked! That’s great that he sent you our way.”
The fact that Sierra had been referred by Steve seemed to confirm something to Jim; as he shook Sierra’s hand again, he seemed to feel confident that this arrangement would work well.
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