Torn (Summer In Winter)

by C. J. Scott

  I let them talk about it. They seemed to need to discuss the situation and it was interesting hearing it from the perspective of two sexually active, outgoing women. Although they had no problem with either Ryder or Sabrina sleeping with whomever they wanted if the parties consented, they did draw the line at Sabrina's behavior.

  "She should have let him go," Beth said, arranging tomato on the bread. "Move on to the next guy, that's my motto."

  "It can be tough to let someone go when you love them," I said quietly. "Believe me, I know."

  "You never stalked him," Kate protested.

  "Or made his life hell in any way," Beth added.

  "No," I muttered. "I just waited and waited. And here I am at twenty-one with no career and no clear vision of what I want my life to be like without him."

  Beth picked up the business plan and waved it in front of my face in the same way I'd done to Gran. "You do. You just need to convince Mrs. M of that."

  "It'll be amazing," Kate said, slicing through the sandwiches. "This place will be a jewel in a gorgeous setting when it's all done up."

  Beth nudged her. "I thought you hated Winter."

  "It's growing on me again."

  "You could start a trend," Beth told me. "Boutique vacation accommodation in the pristine historic town of Winter."

  "There's your advertising slogan right there," Kate said. "Put it on the brochures and letterhead."

  I laughed. They were getting carried away, but I loved that they were involved. It made me more determined than ever to convince Gran of the need to do this.

  A knock at the door interrupted us. I went to answer it and was surprised to see Ryder. He leaned against the door frame, his arms crossed over his chest, a perfect specimen of athleticism. If it wasn't for the shadows lurking in the corners of his eyes and the tension in his shoulders, I would have thought everything was fine. But it wasn't. It was very far from fine if the air of gravity surrounding him was an indication.

  I looked past him, but he was alone. "Your media entourage didn't follow you?"

  "I snuck out the back and came through the gate. I never thought I'd be so happy to have that path there."

  "Want to come in?"

  "Are you sure?"

  "Nobody's going to run you off."

  "Not even Kate?"

  I laughed. "She's okay now. Come and join us for lunch."

  "I can't. I should get back to Dad. He's been working on the flooring by himself all morning."

  "You've been talking to the media all this time?"

  "No, I've ignored them as best as I could. They stopped hammering on the door after a while and have just been sitting in their cars waiting for me to come out."

  "So what have you been doing?"

  "Writing this." He removed a piece of paper from his back pocket and handed it to me. "It's a letter to Sabrina. I want your opinion on it before I email it to her."

  "Are you allowed to communicate with her?"

  "It's not illegal since the investigation was dropped, but the college won't like the idea. To hell with them. I received a call this morning saying they've terminated my scholarship and the expulsion is permanent. They don't have a say in what I do anymore."

  "Oh, Ryder, I'm so sorry."

  He pressed his lips together. "I expected it, but still…now that it's happened I feel like I've been hit by a truck."

  "But what will you do?"

  He shook his head. "Beyond send this letter, I don't know. I can't think past today. If Sabrina doesn't retract her story, my career, my dreams, are dust. I thought I was okay with it, but…I can't give up on it yet, Jane. I want a second chance. I need a second change. You were right when you said I need a purpose, but I don't need another one. I need this one. Playing football at an elite level is what I was born to do. It doesn't mean everything to me, but damn near close."

  My heart lurched. It ached for him. I hated hearing the pain in his voice and seeing the hurt in his eyes. "She'll come around. She has to know how important this is to you."

  "I hope so. It's not just about playing football again, but…everything. This is going to follow me around the rest of my life if it doesn't get cleared up. The stuff written about me on the internet will be up there forever. I want to have kids one day, and I don't want them reading that." He sucked in a breath and closed his eyes, as if he were trying hard not to let it bother him. If so, he failed.

  I grasped his upper arms, just below the shoulders. The muscle flexed and relaxed. "Ryder." He opened his eyes and blinked wearily back at me. "It'll be okay." I don't know why I said it. I was in no position to make bold statements like that. All I knew was that I wanted to hold him, stroke his hair, and make the whole mess go away. He may never be mine, but it no longer mattered. Making him happy and confident again did.

  He tucked my hair behind my ear. His hand lingered. His thumb caressed my jaw, sweeping down to my lower lip. He traced the shape of it, his heavy-lidded gaze following the trail.

  "Jane," he murmured. "When this is all over—"

  "Don't." I pulled back. "Let's not talk about anything being over until it actually is. Everything will be different then."

  "Not everything." His husky voice rumbled through the space between us. Then he too drew back and held out the letter. "Will you read it for me?"

  "Why?"

  "You'll know if I've said the right things or not. You're tactful and have a woman's perspective. Besides, your spelling and grammar are better than mine."

  He valued my opinion that much? "Okay. Come and sit on the porch while I read."

  "Actually I want to see Kate if she's here. Ben too."

  "Kate's with Beth in the kitchen. Ben's probably washing up for lunch." I watched him go inside, my stomach churning. I hoped my friends would see that he regretted his behavior and wouldn't chew him out.

  I sat in a wicker chair on the porch and read. The letter wasn't overly long and it got straight to the point. I couldn't see too much that needed changing. In fact, I thought it really nice. It was honest, from the heart, telling Sabrina how his life had changed because of her accusation, and his father's too. He never laid blame at her feet, even though he could have, but he did blame himself for the way he'd ignored her. I was glad to see that was the only thing he took the blame for. His apology couldn't be construed as an admission. In the final paragraph, he asked her to retract her accusation, telling her it was never too late to undo the damage, however he was careful not to beg.

  I thought it was an excellent letter, but I doubted it would work. Sabrina was likely to do one of two things. Delete it without opening it, or read it and ignore his request to retract. She'd come so far that a retraction would only make her look bad. The ramifications might even lead the police to lay charges for wasting their time. She had too much to lose.

  I went inside and found them all in the kitchen. Ben was there too, talking about the plans for the house. They all stopped when they saw me.

  "So what did you think?" Ryder asked.

  I handed him the letter. "It's good. Really good. I wouldn't change a thing. Make sure you set up a notification on the email so you know if she's read it or not."

  He pocketed the letter. "Thanks, Jane." He kissed the top of my forehead, a friendly, platonic gesture.

  "Stay for lunch?" I asked.

  "No, thanks. I want to send this."

  "I'll walk you out."

  He gave the others a small smile and a wave.

  I frowned as we left the kitchen. What had they been talking about? Kate grinned at me and Beth winked. I asked Ryder out on the porch.

  "Nothing," he said with a shrug. "They wanted to know how the media storm was going, and I told them. Then I asked how the renovations were coming along here. So the letter's okay?"

  "It's great. I'm sure it'll convince her. If she reads it."

  He blew out a breath. "It's a big 'if'." He lifted a hand and I thought he was going to stroke my cheek, but he lowered it again and t
ucked it behind his back. "Thanks, Jane. You've been a huge help."

  "I'll always be here to help, Ryder. Always. No matter what."

  His chest rose and fell with his deep breaths. "You have no idea how much it means to hear you say that." He leaned in and before I could pull back, kissed the corner of my mouth. It was quick and before I could register what he'd done, he turned away.

  I stood there like a statue, watching him leave, wishing he'd stay and kiss me again, harder.

  ***

  I couldn't stand it for more than a day. I had to go and see Ryder and find out if Sabrina had responded. I walked up to the Cavanagh house, bold as can be, not caring that the media were still camped out the front.

  "Well?" I said as soon as Ryder led me inside to the living room. "What happened with the email?"

  He dragged his hands over his face, rubbing his chin where the stubble made him look even more haggard.

  "Have you slept at all?" I asked him.

  He gave a slight shake of his head. "I can't. There's too much going through my mind. Sabrina deleted the email without reading it. That's what her lawyer told the college when he rang them this morning."

  "Crap. She got her lawyer involved? If only she'd read it."

  "She refused."

  "What did the college say when they rang you?"

  "They told me I'm making things worse for myself by contacting her. She could put a restraining order out against me."

  "But you haven't done anything to her!"

  He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "I don't know what else to do, Jane. I feel so goddamned useless and I hate that. I hate sitting here and hiding. Everybody's just assumed I'm guilty without even listening to my side of the story. Everyone except you."

  I knelt in front of him and touched his chin, forcing him to look up at me. "You've just given me an idea. Go upstairs and shave, put on a nice casual shirt then come back here." I glanced around the living room. It was still bare, most of their furniture not having arrived yet, but it would do. "Do you remember what you said in that letter to Sabrina?"

  "I think it's permanently burned into my brain. I read it over dozens of times before I sent it. Why?"

  "You're going to give Lina Van Der Weert an interview."

  "Are you sure that's a good idea? What if she twists my words around?"

  "Twist them back."

  "But she might not let me talk freely."

  "We'll make it a condition of the interview. She has to let you answer her questions as fully as you want to. All you have to do is use similar language to what you used in the letter to Sabrina, explain how it all came about. Above all, be your usual charming self."

  "You forget that the charming guy you liked in high school has gone."

  "He's not. He's just in hiding. Dig him out again. Make her fall in love with you. You were always good at that."

  He grunted. "I'm pretty sure that's what's got me into this mess in the first place."

  I pushed his shoulder. "Just go. Where's your dad? I want to keep him apprised of what we're doing."

  "Up in the attic, as far away from the media as he could get. He can't stand them."

  He left to go change and tidy up, while I went in search of Mr. C. "Are you sure it's a good idea?" he asked, peering through the small attic window down at the vans in the drive.

  "I won't lie to you," I said. "I don't know how it will go. But it's Ryder's last chance to get everyone to see how this came about. He's clever enough not to dig a hole for himself. We can only hope Sabrina sees it and actually has a heart."

  "The jury's out on that," he said wryly. "If you don't mind, I think I'll stay up here. Will you be with him, Jane? He needs your support."

  "Of course."

  "Thanks." He smiled. "I always thought you two made a great team. Now I see why."

  Ryder was still getting ready, so I went outside to speak to the media. Cameras and reporters descended on me as soon as I set foot on the porch. Lina Van Der Weert was right in the middle. I singled her out and asked her to come inside with her camera crew. There were grumbles from the others until I told them I'd bring out beers for their trouble.

  "Ryder wants to support the local station since his hometown of Winter has been good to him during this difficult time," I told them. "Besides, she was first on the scene, so it's only fair."

  Their grumbles followed us inside, but Lina Van Der Weert's smile lit up the room. She looked like she'd just gotten the scoop of the century. Ryder's news may not be nationally important, but it was big for our corner of Montana. Her boss would be pleased. It wasn't the only reason I'd chosen her. I watched the podcast of their news online sometimes, and I'd seen her interviews. She was tough, but fair. She was exactly the sort of reporter we needed.

  She and her cameraman organized the living room to their satisfaction while I got beers for the other reporters. When I returned, Ryder had joined Lina. He was giving her an overview of what he wanted to say.

  I stood to one side while she interviewed him, out of his line of sight and the camera shot. He sounded nervous at first, but it quickly vanished as he talked openly about his college years. The only part he left out was the drugs. Everything else, he spoke about frankly and honestly, including the way he slept around with several girls. When Lina asked how many, he looked nervous again before answering.

  "Maybe a hundred," he said. "I don't know. I lost count. It's not something I'm proud of."

  "Do you remember the names of every girl you slept with?"

  "Most of them, but not all. I do know they were willing and just as happy as me not to have a relationship out of it."

  She then asked him specifically about Sabrina. He was careful with his words, but not to the point where he sounded false or like he was leaving anything out. Lina repeatedly asked if Sabrina had said 'no' at any time, or if her actions or words could have been misunderstood by him.

  "Not once did she ask me to stop, or tell me in any way that it wasn't what she wanted."

  Finally, she asked why he was doing the interview.

  "I'll admit that I wasn't sure it was a good idea, but my best friend told me I should and I trust her opinion."

  "'Her?' Your best friend is a woman?"

  The camera panned to me and I froze in the bright light. I must have looked like a zombie. Thankfully the camera lens turned back to Ryder again.

  "That's Jane," he said, voice soft. "I'm lost without her."

  Oh boy. I had to prop against the wall. My legs were too shaky to keep me up on their own.

  "Are there any final words you want to say, Ryder?" Lina asked.

  He looked straight down the camera lens. "Unfortunately there's no way I can prove any of this. It's going to come down to who you believe. But I don't want anyone who believes me after seeing this to abuse Sabrina. She's a great girl and deserves a second chance. Everyone does. And if anyone thinks that I'm still guilty after seeing this interview, then I guess nothing I can do or say will sway their opinion. I want the college, the team, coaches, and all our supporters to know that I admit to having made mistakes in the past. I took my position there for granted. I shouldn't have. It was a privilege and I should have paid back the scholarship by working hard. If I'm given another chance, that's exactly what I'll do."

  Lina ended the interview. She and her cameraman drove off. Some of the other crews left too, but two more stayed and tried to get statements. We told them we'd given our exclusive to Lina and that was that.

  Mr. Cavanagh came down from the attic and clapped Ryder on the shoulder. "How do you feel, Son?"

  "Better," Ryder said. "Doing that interview was cathartic. If nothing comes from it, at least I know I've done everything in my power. Thanks, Jane. Thanks for staying with me."

  "My pleasure. Now I'd better get back and help Ben. He wants to talk about a plan of attack while we clean up the back yard."

  "Who're you attacking?" Mr. Cavanagh asked.

  "Gran, about
turning our house into a B&B."

  He snorted. "Good luck. You'll need it."

  Ryder walked me to the door, but with the reporters still around, it felt awkward saying anything more than goodbye to one another. As I walked off, I felt his gaze lingering on my back and butt, hot and intense. I lifted my head up and managed not to look round until I got to the gate. But he'd already gone inside and the reporters were packing up. I went on home, my emotions all mixed up and my heart full.

  CHAPTER 13

  The interview aired that night. I found it online and posted it to my Facebook page and Tumblr blog. Kate and Beth did the same. By the time we went to bed, it had been liked, shared and reblogged a couple of hundred times.

  By the time we got up the next morning, it was thousands, and by lunchtime, tens of thousands. The ensuing debate surrounding Ryder's guilt or innocence took on a life of its own and went in directions we hadn't foreseen. There was some name-calling and snark, but much of the discussion was healthy and interesting. The majority thought Ryder innocent, but many withheld any kind of judgement. Going viral was exactly what I'd hoped for and we'd achieved that with Lina Van Der Weert's help.

  But Sabrina, and the college, stayed silent.

  Ryder came by later in the afternoon wearing old jeans and a T-shirt covered in paint splatters. He found us on the front porch inspecting the window frames. "Dad's resting," he said. "He's not been sleeping well so I ordered him to slow down and take it easy for the rest of the day. Since I'm at a loose end, I thought I'd come and help out here."

  "Don't you have some things to do at your own place?" Kate asked.

  Beth pinched her. "Ryder's welcome here anytime."

  He smiled sheepishly. "There's a bit to do at home still, but I'd rather be with people. Talking keeps my mind off waiting for the phone to ring."

  "Are the media still camped out at your place?" I asked.

  "The last of them left when the station aired the interview."

  "Have you noticed the response online?"

  "Yeah. There's been a lot of support. All thanks to you, Jane."

  "They were your words, Ryder, and you spoke them with sincerity. Nothing to do with me."