by Dan Gutman
My Weird School #12
Ms. Todd Is Odd!
Dan Gutman
Pictures by
Jim Paillot
To Emma
Contents
1 The Free Stuff Room
2 Something Going Around
3 If You Don’t Have Something Nice to Say, Say Something Mean
4 My Head Almost Exploded
5 Indoor Recess Is No Fun at All
6 Good News?
7 Circle of Friends
8 Getting the Goods on Ms. Todd
9 The Truth About Ms. Todd
10 Our Best Behavior
11 Playing Dumb
About the Author and the Illustrator
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
1
The Free Stuff Room
My name is A.J. and I hate school.
There’s only one room in Ella Mentry School that I really like. It’s the lost and found room!
The lost and found room is right near the office. It is the coolest room in the history of the world because there is lots of free stuff in there. Me and my friends Michael and Ryan call it “the free stuff room.” You can get just about anything you want, and you don’t even have to pay for it. So if I feel like getting a new baseball cap or a pair of sunglasses, I don’t have to go to a store. I just go to the free stuff room at school. It’s awesome!
So this one morning the bus got to school a little early, and I went to kill some time in the free stuff room. I saw a really cool black T-shirt with a lightning bolt across the back. It was way cooler than the shirt I was wearing, so I took my shirt off and put the cool one on. It fit perfectly. I stuffed my old, boring shirt in my backpack.
It was almost time to pledge the allegiance, so I went to class. The kids were putting their backpacks and lunch boxes in their cubbies. Our teacher, Miss Daisy, wasn’t there yet. That was weird. She usually gets to school before any of us.
“Where’s Miss Daisy?” asked Neil, who everybody calls “the nude kid.” He actually wears clothes, but we call him “the nude kid” anyway. It’s a long story.
“Maybe she got lost,” Michael said.
Suddenly the door opened. We all looked up. But it wasn’t Miss Daisy.
It was Andrea Young, this really annoying little Miss Perfect girl with curly brown hair who I hate. She’s such a nerd. She even keeps a dictionary on her desk in case she ever has to look up a word.
“Where were you, Andrea?” asked her equally annoying crybaby friend, Emily. “I was worried that you were sick. There’s something going around, you know.”
“I wasn’t sick,” Andrea said. “I had to go to Mr. Klutz’s office.”
“Oooooh!” we all went.
Mr. Klutz is the principal of the school. He also has no hair. Kids get sent to his office when they do something bad.
“Did you do something bad?” asked Emily, all concerned.
“Of course not!” Andrea said. “Mr. Klutz called me in to say I’m going to be in the gifted and talented program!”
Oh man! That figured. The gifted and talented program is for dorks, dweebs, nerds, and know-it-alls like Andrea who are perfect in every way. We all took some dumb test a few weeks ago, and Andrea probably got the best score in the whole school.
“Isn’t that fabulous?” Andrea said. “I’m gifted and talented!”
“What’s your talent?” I asked her. “Being annoying?”
Some of the kids laughed. Andrea gave me one of her mean looks.
“I like your shirt, Arlo,” she said. “Where did you get it?”
“None of your beeswax,” I told her. I hate when Andrea calls me by my real name.
“Oh yeah?” she said. “Well, I think it is my beeswax, because that’s my shirt!”
What?!
“That shirt fell out of my backpack last week,” Andrea said. “I was wondering where it was.”
Everybody started giggling. I thought I was gonna die. I was wearing a girl’s shirt! Not only was I wearing a girl’s shirt, but it was Andrea’s shirt! Her girl cooties were crawling all over me! It was disgusting. I thought I was gonna throw up.
“Oooooh!” Ryan said. “A.J. is wearing Andrea’s shirt. They must be in love!”
“When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.
If those guys weren’t my best friends, I would hate them.
2
Something Going Around
I ripped the T-shirt off like it was on fire and threw it at Andrea.
“Ewwww, it’s disgusting!” she said. “I’ll never wear this shirt again! It has A.J.’s boy cooties all over it. I’ll have to burn—”
Andrea never got the chance to finish her sentence, because at that very second Mr. Klutz came in with his bald head. He was wearing a black T-shirt that said TEAM on it.
“What’s going on in here?” Mr. Klutz asked.
I grabbed my old shirt out of my backpack and quickly put it on.
“A.J. thinks the classroom is a dressing room,” Andrea said.
What is her problem? Why can’t a giant box full of T-shirts fall on her head?
“I just got a call from Miss Daisy,” Mr. Klutz told us. “She’s not feeling well today. So you’ll have Ms. Todd as your substitute teacher. She’ll be here any minute.”
Mr. Klutz said he would go to the office to greet Ms. Todd. He told us to be on our best behavior while he was gone. So as soon as Mr. Klutz left the room, me and Michael and Ryan got up and shook our butts at the class. Most of the kids laughed.
“I hope Ms. Todd is nice,” said Andrea. Girls always want everybody to be nice.
“I hope Miss Daisy is going to be all right,” said Emily. She looked all worried, like she was going to cry. That girl will cry about any old thing. She’s weird.
“We should make Miss Daisy a get-well card,” said one of the other girls.
Miss Daisy better get well soon, because I hate substitute teachers. They always make us learn stuff. Miss Daisy never makes us learn anything, because she doesn’t know anything. She is the only grown-up who can’t read, write, or do arithmetic. In fact, sometimes we have to teach her stuff! She is the dumbest teacher in the history of the world.
Miss Daisy asked us once not to tell Mr. Klutz how dumb she is. She’s afraid she’ll get fired. I hoped Ms. Todd would be as dumb as Miss Daisy.
“You know,” Ryan said, “Miss Daisy didn’t look sick yesterday.”
“Maybe she’s not sick at all,” said Michael.
“Yeah,” I said, “maybe she’s faking it so she can stay home and lie on her couch eating bonbons.”
Bonbons are these chocolate treats Miss Daisy loves. She told us that whenever she is stressed out, she lies on her couch and eats bonbons until she feels better.
“Do you think Mr. Klutz found out that Miss Daisy can’t read or write or do arithmetic?” asked Neil the nude kid. “So he fired—”
Neil the nude kid never got the chance to finish his sentence, because the door opened again and Mr. Klutz came in. He was with some lady.
“Boys and girls,” said Mr. Klutz, “this is Ms. Todd. She’ll be the substitute for Miss Daisy.”
We all looked at Ms. Todd. Ms. Todd looked at us. I looked at Andrea. Ryan and Michael looked at me. Everybody was looking at everybody else without saying anything because it was the most amazing thing in the history of the world.
Ms. Todd looked like Andrea!
It’s true! She was tall just like Andrea. She was skinny just like Andrea. She even had curly hair just like Andrea. It was like there were two of them! It was like a horror movie!
“She’s pretty,” whispered Andrea.
“Pretty ugly,” I whispered.
&n
bsp; Ms. Todd was wearing a TEAM T-shirt just like Mr. Klutz.
“Why are you both wearing T-shirts that say TEAM?” asked Ryan.
“TEAM is our new motto at Ella Mentry School,” said Mr. Klutz. “It stands for ‘Together Everyone Achieves More.’” Mr. Klutz loves initials.
“What’s a motto?” asked Michael.
“Nothing,” said Mr. Klutz. “What’s a motto with you?”
Mr. Klutz laughed even though he didn’t say anything funny. He’s nuts.
Ms. Todd waved and smiled a big smiley face just like Andrea. She looked really young. Mr. Klutz said that Ms. Todd was a brand-new teacher and told us to be extra nice to her. Then he left.
“Hello!” said Ms. Todd, all cheery.
Well, at least she talked like a regular person. Our bus driver, Mrs. Kormel, speaks in a secret language. Instead of saying “hello” like everybody else, she says, “Bingle boo.” Mrs. Kormel is not normal.
“Hi, Ms. Todd,” said little Miss Gifted and Talented. “My name is Andrea. I love the shoes you’re wearing.”
Andrea wasn’t wasting any time before starting in with her brownnosing. I hate her.
“Why, thank you!” exclaimed Ms. Todd. “That’s very sweet of you to say. I like your shoes too, Andrea.”
Andrea totally didn’t know how you’re supposed to treat subs. You’re supposed to torture them! That’s the first rule of being a kid. My friend Billy who lives around the corner told me that whenever a sub turns her back, his whole class starts coughing* for no reason. He said it drives the sub crazy.
Ms. Todd went to write her name on the board. As soon as she turned around and wrote MS., I started coughing for no reason.
Ms. Todd turned around and looked at the class. But I stopped coughing before she saw me.
Ms. Todd faced the board again and wrote the letter T. I started coughing again. Ryan started coughing too.
Ms. Todd turned around and looked at the class. Me and Ryan stopped coughing before she saw us.
Ms. Todd faced the board again and wrote the letter O. Me and Ryan started coughing again.
Ms. Todd turned around real fast and looked at the class. Me and Ryan stopped coughing just in time.
Ms. Todd faced the board again and wrote the letter D. Me and Ryan started coughing again.
Ms. Todd started writing another letter D, but in the middle of it, she turned around really fast and looked at us. Me and Ryan were still coughing.
Uh-oh. Me and Ryan were in trouble.
“What’s your name?” Ms. Todd asked me.
Everybody looked at me. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I had to think fast.
That’s when I got the greatest idea in the history of the world. If I didn’t tell Ms. Todd my real name, I wouldn’t get in trouble!
“My name is Ryan,” I said.
“And how about you?” Ms. Todd asked Ryan. “What’s your name?”
“My name is A.J.,” said Ryan.
Ms. Todd took a piece of paper from Miss Daisy’s desk and wrote something on it.
“Well,” she said, “Ryan and A.J. are going to be in trouble.”
I guess my idea wasn’t so great after all.
3
If You Don’t Have Something Nice to Say, Say Something Mean
Even after Ms. Todd wrote my name on her piece of paper, she still had on a big smiley face. It must hurt to smile so much. My friend Billy who lives around the corner told me that if you keep smiling too long, your face muscles get frozen like that forever.
Ms. Todd told us all to sit in a big circle on the floor.
“Let’s go around the room and say something nice about the person sitting across from us,” she said. “This will help me learn your names and get to know you better.”
“Annette is a really good soccer player,” said this girl named Lindsay.
“Lindsay knows everything about horses,” said Annette.
“Michael is really good at sports,” said Ryan.
“Ryan is a really good eater,” said Michael. “He will even eat stuff that isn’t food.”
I looked to see who was sitting across from me. Ugh. It was Andrea! I hoped that I wouldn’t get called on.
“Your turn, Andrea,” said Ms. Todd.
Andrea looked at me for a long time.
“A.J. is really good at picking out clothes,” she finally said. Then she stuck her tongue out at me when Ms. Todd wasn’t looking.
“Wait a minute,” Ms. Todd said to me. “I thought you said your name was Ryan.”
“I’m Ryan,” said Ryan.
“He’s a liar,” said Andrea. “His name is A.J. That stands for Arlo Jervis.”
Ms. Todd went over to the desk and wrote something else down on that piece of paper of hers. Then she came back to the circle.
“A.J., it’s your turn. Can you tell the class something nice about Andrea?”
I looked at Andrea for a long time. There wasn’t anything nice about her.
“It would be nice if an elephant fell on her head,” I said.
“That’s not nice, A.J.!” said Ms. Todd.
“It’s the truth,” I said. “I hate her.”
“I hate you right back!” said Andrea.
“I hate you right back back!” I said.
“I hate you right back back back!” Andrea said.
We went on like that for a while.
“A.J.,” Ms. Todd said. “You were supposed to say something nice about Andrea. Don’t you think she has nice hair?”
“No.”
“Doesn’t she have nice clothes?”
“No.”
“Then why did you steal my shirt?” Andrea asked.
“I didn’t steal it!” I said.
“Did too!”
“Did not!”
We went on like that for a while until Ms. Todd told me I had to write a note to Andrea telling her I was sorry.
So this is what I wrote:
Dear Andrea,
I’m sorry I hate you.
A.J.
“Let’s try to work together as a T-E-AM,” said Ms. Todd. “As you know, Together Everyone Achieves More. So we need cooperation. Do you know what ‘cooperation’ means?”
“Isn’t that a company?” asked Emily.
“That’s ‘corporation,’ dumbhead,” I said.
“You’re mean!” said Emily. She looked like she was going to cry. What is her problem?
“Don’t say ‘dumbhead,’” Ms. Todd told me as she wrote something else on that piece of paper of hers. “Say smart head. Calling somebody a dumbhead might hurt their feelings.”
“I know,” I said. “That’s why I did it.”
Ms. Todd thinks she knows everything. Just like Andrea. I’ll bet that when she was a kid, Ms. Todd was in the gifted and talented program.
4
My Head Almost Exploded
“Is everybody ready to learn?” asked Ms. Todd.
“Yes!” yelled all the girls.
“No!” yelled all the boys.
“All right!” yelled Ms. Todd.
Ms. Todd is one of those teachers who is full of excitement all the time. She never sits down.
She runs around for no reason, clapping her hands, like my mom does when she drinks too much coffee.
If you ask me, Ms. Todd should calm down. She’s like one of those windup toy monkeys that plays the drums. Maybe after she has been a teacher for a few years, she’ll become normal and not so excited about teaching kids stuff anymore.
“Let’s start with reading!” said Ms. Todd, smiling her smiley face and clapping her hands and running around the class for no reason.
“I love to read,” said Andrea, who loves everything. “I’m going to write a children’s book someday, and the main character will be named Andrea. Then I’ll be famous!”
“I love reading children’s books,” said Ms. Todd. “I read them all the time!”
“Even when you’re sleeping?” asked Ryan.
“Even when you’re driving?” asked Michael.
“Even when you’re in the shower?” I asked.
“Well, no, not then,” Ms. Todd said.
“So why did you say you read them all the time?” asked Michael.
“It’s just an expression,” said Ms. Todd.
“Is an expression the same thing as lying?” I asked.
Ms. Todd stopped smiling her smiley face and wrote something down on that piece of paper again. I wished she would stop doing that.
Next she read to us for about a million hundred hours. She read a story about a girl and her dog. It was the most boring story in the history of the world. Nothing ever happened in that dumb story. I almost fell asleep, but then the girl’s dog got hit by a car and the story got interesting. Some of the girls were crying. What a bunch of babies!
After the dog died, Ms. Todd stopped reading the story. She taught us about the solar system and the explorers and Australia and Helen Keller and lots of other stuff, too. She taught us so much stuff that I had a headache.
My friend Billy who lives around the corner told me that if you learn too much stuff too fast, your head will explode. I’m going to have to forget some of the old stuff I learned to make room for all the new stuff Ms. Todd taught us. I don’t want my head to explode.
Finally the lunch bell rang, and Ms. Todd had to stop teaching us stuff. Michael was the line leader as we walked to the vomitorium to eat.
“Ms. Todd is a horrible teacher,” I said. “All she does is make us learn stuff.”
“I miss Miss Daisy,” Ryan said. “She never taught us anything.”
“I miss miss Miss Daisy,” said Michael.
“I miss miss miss Miss Daisy,” I said.