“I can’t,” I said again softly and then he froze. I slowly opened my eyes to see him hovering over me.
“What’s the matter? Don’t you wanna be with me?”
“Yes…I do, but…I thought we talked about this at the party last week,” I said, looking away.
“That was the party. But this is here. We’re alone…just us. It couldn’t be a more perfect time,” he said as he began softly kissing my neck.
“I’m sorry, I can’t,” I repeated and I felt my eyes grow warm with tears when I looked up at him and saw the frustration on his face. He collapsed onto my chest, the heavy weight of him making it difficult to breathe, until he sighed and rolled over on his back. I sat up and searched for my shirt, which I found hanging off the foot of the bed. I quickly pulled it over my head and then sat with my back to him and wiped the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand.
The silence in the room was deafening. Alex hadn’t moved from where he lay motionless on the bed. I wanted to turn and talk to him, but I couldn’t and I prayed he would say something.
He sat up a few minutes later and pulled his shirt on and then it was quiet again.
“I’m sorry,” I finally said, unable to stand the silence anymore
“I just don’t get it,” he sighed. “I just want to be close to you.”
He sounded like a little boy and when I turned to him, he was looking at me with innocent eyes, even though what he wanted me to do was hardly innocent.
“I’m just not ready,” I said quietly.
“Will you ever be ready?”
“What kind of question is that?”
“It’s just a question.”
“I don’t know when I’ll be ready and I’m sorry if you can’t accept that.”
The room grew silent. My voice was low, but Alex knew I was mad. A moment later I felt him scoot down and sit next to me, taking my hand in his.
“Hey, I’m sorry,” he began a few moments later. “That was…that was pretty stupid of me. I shouldn’t have asked you that.”
“I’m not doing this to hurt you. I just can’t do what you’re asking of me,” I said softly.
He was quiet again, as if he was thinking and then he spoke.
“I understand,” he said, squeezing my hand. “I just really, really like you, Riley. I’m sorry.”
“If this is going to be a problem for you…” I said as my voice trailed off.
“It’s not a problem,” he assured me. “It might be difficult because you’re so hot, but it’s not a problem,” he said laughing.
“I’ll try and make it easy on you. I’ll start wearing a bag over my head.”
“Oh, you can’t do that. That would be criminal,” he joked, grabbing his chest as if he were in pain.
We both started laughing and I rested my head on his shoulder.
“Are we good then?” he asked.
“Yeah, we’re good,” I said, reaching up and kissing him softly, then we leaned back and finished watching the movie.
Chapter Twenty-One
I was nervous walking into school on Monday. How could I not be? I hadn’t spoken to Jesse since the incident…the new incident, my second incident with Jesse in the span of a week. I met up with Alex before first period for a few minutes, but then the warning bell rang too soon and I had to head to Constitution to face Jesse.
I was just about to walk into class when Adrienne brushed past me and I heard her mumble “Skank,” under her breath as she turned into class. The Bostonian in me wanted to chase her down and punch her in the face, but then I calmed myself. I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of knowing she got to me. Instead, I took a deep breath and walked into the room, unsure if Jesse would already be inside. I got my answer quickly as I looked up and saw him sitting at his desk, staring intently at something. He looked up briefly as I walked passed him to my seat, but that was the extent of our communication and when the bell rang an hour later, I gathered my stuff and headed out to my next class before we had a chance to talk.
I’d dodged the dreaded conversation, for now anyway. I spent the rest of the morning trying to figure out how I could continue to avoid it, but when it was time for lunch, I knew it would be more difficult. In first hour, I’d been able to pretend I was engrossed in my work, but at lunch, I would have no such excuse. I considered telling Alex we could sit with his friends during the entire lunch period, but I realized that would be way too obvious. My friends would definitely pick up that something was wrong if I avoided them.
Having taken my time getting to the cafeteria, my friends, including Jesse, were already at the table eating their lunches. Alex hadn’t shown up yet though. I doubted he’d ever sit with them without me being there. While they were all cordial to each other, there was an unspoken mutual understanding that I was the only reason he sat there.
I knew Alex would show up soon enough though and I walked to my usual spot across from Jesse. Mandy was sorting her Skittles again and the others were already immersed in conversation.
As I sat down, Jesse looked up at me with nervous gray eyes. I smiled quickly at him, doing my best to make it appear that everything was fine and that we had not kissed on Friday night.
“Riley,” he said quietly, staring up at me. “Can we talk?”
Before I could say anything though, Alex slid into the seat beside me.
“Hey, gorgeous,” he said leaning in and kissing me on the cheek.
I looked over and smiled at him and out of the corner of my eye, I could’ve sworn I saw Jesse watching us.
“Hey, Jess,” Alex called across the table. “How’d my girl do on Friday?”
“Friday?” I asked, taking a nervous gulp of my Coke. “What about Friday?”
“I think he’s talking about the shooting range,” Jesse said as he looked at me knowingly, wordlessly acknowledging the secret only we knew about.
“Yeah, I was,” Alex said, looking over at me. “How’d she do?”
“She was great.”
“Oh yeah?” Alex asked.
“You seem surprised,” I said, elbowing him.
“No. I’m not surprised. I can picture you with a gun…kinda like Charlie’s Angels,” Alex laughed.
“Yeah, I think Riley’s pretty dangerous. I wouldn’t piss her off, Alex. She might blow your head off,” Jesse smirked.
“I’d better be careful then,” Alex said, reaching down and resting his hand on my thigh.
“So Alex,” Mandy said, piping in. “Did Riley show you her homecoming dress?”
“No, she didn’t,” he said, looking at me again.
“You didn’t show him, Riley?” Mandy gasped. “Why didn’t you show him?”
“I don’t know,” I sighed and glared at Mandy. She could be really annoying sometimes.
“Yes, why didn’t you show me, Riley?” Alex said with a playful grin.
“I wanted it to be a surprise,” I lied. The truth was, I’d just never gotten around to it. We’d been kind of busy Saturday night, after all.
“Well, I want to see it. I’ve gotta make sure we match, don’t I?”
“It’s red,” I said and then went back to eating my lunch.
“That’s all I get?” he grinned.
“Yes. That’s all you get.”
“Well, you’re gonna love it. It’s hot,” Mandy assured us all excitedly. “We’re all gonna look hot, in fact.”
“I’m not holding my breath. No dress is gonna help you guys,” Brandon laughed, but the table grew quiet and everyone, including Jesse and Alex stared over at Brandon. He was still laughing, but then when he realized no one else was, his laughter faded.
“Not cool, Brandon,” Jesse said sternly to his friend.
“I was just kidding,” Brandon said. “You know I was kidding.”
“Just knock it off. You can be such an ass sometimes,” Jesse continued.
“Hey, I’m sorry,” Brandon said, staring back at Jesse.
“You don’t need to apol
ogize to me, dumbass,” Jesse said. “You need to apologize to Riley, Holly, Laura, and Mandy.”
The table was quiet again. Jesse looked genuinely upset at Brandon, who seemed to be looking around the table at us like an antelope in a lion’s den.
“Hey, I’m sorry. Seriously. I know you’re all gonna look great,” he said, taking the time to look us each in the eye. We all wordlessly accepted his apology and then he got up and left. Even Brandon knew he’d crossed the line this time and knew the only thing he could do was leave.
“Thanks, Jesse,” Holly said.
“Yeah, sure,” he said, shaking his head. “He’s such an idiot sometimes. I’m surprised one of you hasn’t smacked him by now.”
“Someone should,” Mandy agreed.
“I’ll be the first,” Holly volunteered. “Remind me again why I agreed to go to homecoming with him?”
“Because we’re gonna have a fabulous time and you didn’t wanna miss it,” Mandy said, returning to her usual bubbly self.
“It’d better be amazing,” Holly said rolling her eyes.
“Oh, it will be,” Mandy assured her.
****
The day was almost over and I’d managed to avoid Jesse. I only had one more class to go, but unfortunately he was in that class. On the plus side though, Alex was in that class too and I knew Jesse wouldn’t approach me in front of my boyfriend. Fifty-five more minutes to go and I’d be safe…for now anyway. I hoped if I made it through today, Jesse and I would come to a silent agreement that we would never talk about it again and things wouldn’t get any more awkward between us than they already were.
When I stepped into the classroom, Mrs. Davenport was writing notes on the board and then I looked over to Jesse’s seat and sure enough he was sitting there, staring at me. I then turned my gaze to find my safety net, Alex, whose seat was noticeably vacant.
Whatever, I said to myself, brushing a piece of hair behind my ear and walking to my desk while I deliberately kept my eyes straight ahead and away from Jesse. He obviously didn’t get the hint though, because the second I sat down, he turned to face me.
“Riley. We need to talk,” he whispered insistently.
“No, we don’t. Everything’s fine. Let’s just drop it,” I whispered back sternly.
“Don’t be like this. We can’t ignore what happened.”
“Nothing happened,” I said finally, looking up at him. His head was cocked to the side slightly and he opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but then he closed it and turned around to face the chalkboard.
Thankfully, Alex walked in a moment later. He gently touched my shoulder as he passed me and then sat down in his seat. Again…I’d avoided the conversation. Score one point for me.
****
The bell rang. The day was over. I was safe. I just needed to get to my locker, grab my stuff and head home to a fun-filled evening of homework and a rousing game of dominoes I’d promised my grandma I’d play with her after dinner.
My feeling of relief was short lived though as Alex and I were walking to my locker and Jesse came up to us. This was definitely a move I hadn’t anticipated.
“Riley, I need to talk to you,” Jesse said, breaking into our conversation.
“I’ve gotta get home, Jesse,” I told him as I tried to keep walking, but he put his hand on my arm and I stopped.
“Just gimme a minute,” he asserted.
“Jesse,” I sighed.
“It’s important.” His eyes were insistent and I knew he wasn’t going to go away easily.
“Dude. What’s your problem? She doesn’t wanna talk to you,” Alex said forcefully.
“I’m not talking to you, Alex,” Jesse said, glaring over to him. “It’s about our project. I’ll be quick.” I knew now why he’d confronted me in front of Alex. He knew I’d have to talk to him so Alex wouldn’t get suspicious.
“Fine,” I relented. “You wanna wait for me, Alex?”
“Yeah. I’ll meet you at your car,” he said leaning over, giving me a quick kiss and then eyeing Jesse skeptically before walking away.
Jesse waited until Alex was out of sight and then took my arm and led me to a small alcove under the staircase that was surprisingly secluded.
“What are you doing?” I asked through gritted teeth while shaking my arm from his grasp.
“We’re talking about this.”
“I told you, there’s nothing to talk about.”
“Yes, there is and we have to talk about it. We can’t just go on pretending like it never happened.”
“No, we don’t have to talk about it and yes, we can go on pretending like it never happened. No one knows about this and that’s how it’s gonna stay. I can’t risk Alex finding out. You’re going to ruin everything for me,” I said harshly and he was silent.
“I don’t want to ruin anything for you. But, I don’t want you to continue ignoring me. I just wanted to apologize for kissing you,” he said softly. I hadn’t expected an apology. I didn’t quite know what I’d expected, but it wasn’t an apology and I didn’t want him to apologize. “I…I don’t know what came over me. Maybe it was just the moment or something, but I didn’t mean to piss you off. I never meant for that to happen. I know you’re with Alex and that’s totally cool, but we’re friends and I don’t want my stupidity to come between that. It was just…just a stupid thing I did and I’m sorry.”
“Yeah. You’re right. It was just some stupid thing,” I said, shaking my head, telling myself he was right. “Very stupid.”
“That’s all I wanted to say. I shouldn’t have kissed you and I’m sorry I did, but please, stop ignoring me.”
As he stood looking at me, he seemed sad and nervous and my heart instantly softened. Deep down I knew it wasn’t completely his fault. We’d shared a moment and when I thought about it, I knew it wasn’t just him who had caused the kiss.
“I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you. I just didn’t know what to say,” I said finally.
“I don’t blame you. After Friday night, you probably thought I was going to profess my undying love for you or something,” he smiled.
“You’re not going to?” I asked with a laugh.
“Nah, not today,” he joked before continuing. “I just like hanging out with you and I don’t want that to stop just because of some ridiculous move on my part.”
“I feel the same way,” I said interrupting him. “You’re my closest friend here, I mean besides Alex, and I’d hate if we couldn’t be friends.”
“Me too.”
We were quiet again and then he smiled over to me and I felt myself relax a little.
“So, can we just put this past us? I mean, I know it’s a lot to ask, but can we at least try?” he asked.
“Yeah. It’s forgotten,” I said, although I knew I couldn’t really forget.
“Okay…good,” he said, breathing a visible sigh of relief. “So…I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then?” he asked and I nodded. “You’d better get back to Alex before he starts to worry.”
“Yeah, I should,” I said, turning to walk away, but then stopped to look at him again. “But, you know…we do need to finish our project. It’s due next week.”
“We can get together after school sometime this week and I promise I won’t kiss you this time.”
“You’re such a dork,” I laughed, pushing him on the shoulder and then turning to find Alex.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Even after Jesse and I cleared everything up, I was skeptical about us really being able to put it behind us, but somehow we had. I knew neither of us had forgotten about it and I couldn’t say there weren’t awkward moments at first, because there were, but it didn’t last long. Lunch was normal, class was normal, everything was normal. We even buckled down and finished our project, which Jesse and I both agreed turned out pretty well. Mr. Barry must’ve liked our pros and cons idea as well because we pulled off an A. Jesse insisted it was a combination of our awesome Power Point presenta
tion and Mr. Barry’s affinity for my Boston heritage. Whatever it was, I didn’t care, as long as we got the grade.
Things were good with Alex too and even Adrienne was letting up a little. Perhaps she was finally getting tired of the stupid games she was playing. I still felt the daggers shooting from her eyes on occasion, but I hadn’t been called a skank for a while, which was a definite improvement.
My relationship with my mom was improving as well and I was beginning to think the anger I felt towards her for moving us to Carver was downgrading to mere annoyance. It wasn’t even at being in Kansas anymore because that part wasn’t actually too bad. The annoyance was directed at her and her alone. At this point, it was a matter of principle.
Things were good and they were only getting better because Homecoming weekend had finally come. I thought Alex might’ve wanted to go to the football game on Friday night with his friends, but he was totally fine when I told him I wanted to go with mine. We went out for pizza beforehand and then watched our team defeat Abner High, which also included watching Adrienne being crowned Homecoming Queen during halftime. I couldn’t understand how she’d won, considering no one liked her. But, somehow she pulled it off and acted totally surprised when her name was announced. She cried and waved and the whole display made me sick, but I wasn’t going to let her ruin my night. I was just grateful Alex hadn’t won the title of king, which he’d been nominated for. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be going to the dance with the Homecoming King; I just hated the thought of him and Adrienne reigning together. The insults would never stop if that happened. Instead, Charlie won, which didn’t surprise anyone considering he was quarterback. Alex was fine with not winning either. He’d seemed annoyed by the whole thing actually. The night had turned out to be a lot of fun, but Alex dropped me off shortly after the game ended.
I woke up early the next morning. Because it was Homecoming, my teachers had developed souls and didn’t assign any homework, leaving me to dawdle around the house until it was time for the dance. Alex was picking me up at five o’clock for dinner. He didn’t tell me where we were going and I had no idea where he could be taking me. There were absolutely no restaurants in Carver that could be called remotely nice. My friends, along with most everyone else I’d talked to, were making the thirty minute drive to Wichita for dinner before the dance. I figured we’d probably do the same.
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