“I feel sick, Jesse. Literally, like I’m gonna throw up. I’m so disgusted with myself and him and her,” I seethed, thinking back to my confrontation with Adrienne.
“Wait a minute. Hold up. Who’s the her you’re talking about?” he asked as his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
“Adrienne.”
“What does Adrienne have to do with any of this?”
“I think he’s sleeping with her. Or they’re doing something together. She just totally called me out in the hallway. I’m completely humiliated,” I said as the tears escaped my eyes again.
“He slept with Adrienne?” Jesse asked quietly and I nodded as I wiped the tears with the back of my hand.
“I think so,” I said, but knowing there was no way I’d misinterpreted what she’d said to me. “I’m not sure,” I stammered. “Maybe I’m reading into things too much.”
“No, you’re not,” Jesse growled.
“I just can’t believe this,” I said shaking my head. “I was a bet to him.”
“What are you talking about? A bet?”
“I don’t know,” I said as I started sobbing again. “I guess I was a bet with Kurt or something. It just makes me sick.”
“A bet? A goddamn bet?” he said slowly and I saw his chest begin to heave. “I’m gonna kill him.”
Jesse’s whole face seemed to darken and twist into someone I didn’t recognize and he flung open the door.
“What are you doing?” I called out to him as he began storming down the hall.
“I told you. I’m gonna kill him.”
“Don’t, Jesse. Just stop. Don’t worry about it,” I said, rushing to his side and grabbing his arm to stop him.
“Are you kidding, Riley? He’s not gonna treat you like this. No way! I won’t let him do this to you. For too long now, I’ve stood back and watched you fall for this asshole. I’ve seen him suck you in and I knew he was going to break your heart all along. Well, it’s over. Today. Right now.”
He jerked his arm out of my grasp and continued down the hall. I followed him, but couldn’t keep up. He was a few yards ahead of me when I finally spotted Alex who had returned to his spot by the lockers. He had his back to us and was totally engrossed in his conversation. He looked completely unbothered by what had just happened between us, but Jesse looked fearless as he approached him, as if nothing could stop him.
Without warning, Jesse pushed Alex into the lockers causing a loud bang to echo through the hallway as Alex’s body slammed into the metal. All the other noises halted immediately and all attention turned to Jesse and Alex.
Alex turned around quickly, trying to regain his composure. He looked up and stared at Jesse.
“What the hell was that for?” Alex shouted, coming at Jesse.
“For Riley,” Jesse growled as his hand formed into a ball and then smashed against Alex’s jaw, causing his head to fling back so hard I thought it might fly off his neck. Alex stumbled into the lockers again and then rubbed his cheek and lunged at Jesse.
A crowd started to gather and my stomach began to turn as I watched Jesse and Alex merge into one big mess as fists flew and grunts and curses saturated the air. Kurt and Charlie had thrown their bags to the ground and was joining in the fight. They were both pounding on Jesse and I felt sick again.
“What’s going on?” Holly shouted, running up behind me.
“Why are they fighting?” Mandy cried out, grabbing me.
I couldn’t answer though because my eyes were glued to Alex and Jesse as they continued to pummel each other to the roars of the crowd. I was sickened by the whole display. Sickened that it had come to this. Sickened that I was here. Sickened that I had believed his lies and sickened that Jesse was involved now. I couldn’t watch anymore.
“Where are you going, Riley?” Holly’s frantic voice called out as I turned and rushed away.
“Riley!” Mandy yelled to me.
“I’m sorry. I’ve gotta get outta here,” I cried as my eyes filled with tears and I ran towards the old maroon doors.
Chapter Twenty-Six
I raced home, praying I’d find an empty house, but when I flung the front door open, I heard the voices of my mom and grandmother coming from the kitchen. I shut the door and ran up the stairs, my feet hitting the steps so hard the old railing rattled. It rattled again when I slammed my bedroom door and flung myself on the bed, burying my head into my pillow. The tears were flowing like a faucet and soon my pillow was soaked. I refused to lift my head from the wet fabric and it became increasingly difficult to breathe. I inhaled long and slow, thinking maybe if I could just hold on long enough, I’d pass out and not have to remember what had just happened. I held on as long as I could, but soon, my lungs started to burn and I raised my head and gasped for air.
The door flung open and I turned my head to find my mom standing in the doorway. We locked eyes for a moment and then I started bawling again and turned away from her.
“Riley,” she said anxiously and a second later I felt the mattress give as she sat down on the bed. I felt her hand rest on my back. “Riley, what’s going on? What are you doing home?” Her voice was calm, but I knew she was worried.
“Just go away,” I said quietly as I rested my cheek on the wet pillow and I felt her begin to stroke my hair, like she used to when I was little.
“Riley, please. What’s going on?” she asked quietly in the soothing voice she’d always used when she was trying to make me feel better.
“Nothing.”
“Talk to me. What’s wrong?”
“I said nothing!” I shouted and then bolted up from the bed and found myself in the middle of the room, glaring at her. “This is your fault! You did this!” I yelled, pointing at her.
“Excuse me?” she asked, obviously completely clueless as to what I was accusing her of.
“None of this would’ve happened if it wasn’t for you!”
“What are you talking about? What did I do?”
“You brought me here! You made me come to this hellhole!” I shouted, pointing my finger more forcefully at her.
“I have no idea why you’re screaming at me, but you need to calm down and tell me what has you so upset.”
“I thought I might be able to tolerate it here, but I can’t, Mom! I hate it here and I hate you for bringing me here!”
She sat silently on the bed, staring up at me, hurt plastered on her face. She closed her eyes for a moment and then opened them again, exhaling slowly.
“You’d better tell me what’s going on right now, or you’re getting yourself back to school.”
“I’m not going back,” I retorted quickly, staring hard at her so she knew I was serious.
“You are unless you tell me what’s going on.” She was staring back and I wasn’t sure who’d win this stand-off.
“I can’t tell you,” I replied a moment later.
“Yes, you can,” she said as her eyes softened, pleading with me to open up.
“I can’t,” I said as a wave of emotion washed over me and I covered my face as I began to sob.
“Riley, you’re scaring me,” she said and I heard her voice wavering. “You’ve shut me out long enough, but I refuse to let you shut me out now. Honey, please. Please tell me what’s wrong.”
I stood in the middle of the room, feeling more alone in the world than I ever had. I wanted to disappear. I wanted the floor to open up and suck me in, but then I felt my mom’s arms around me. I didn’t protest. I just let her hold me. I’d pushed her away for so long, but now I gave in. I just needed my mother.
“I swear, I just want to die,” I sobbed.
“Why would you say that?” she asked softly as I continued to soak her blouse with my tears.
“Because it’s true. It wouldn’t hurt as much.”
“Please, Riley. Tell me what happened.”
“You’re gonna be so mad at me. I can’t tell you,” I said, wiggling out of her embrace and sitting back down on the bed, turning
my back to her.
“I won’t be mad,” she said reassuringly as she sat down beside me again and placed her hand on my back and I knew I just needed to come out with it. “What happened?”
“I slept with him,” I whispered before I lost my nerve and I felt her hand stiffen. The room became uncomfortably quiet.
“You…slept…with Alex?” she asked so quietly I had to strain to hear her and I could tell she’d had a hard time saying the words and then she continued talking with a shaky voice. “Riley, we talked about this. I thought you understood my concerns. I thought you understood why I wanted you to wait…or at least wait longer. You’ve only been with Alex a couple of months,” she was starting to ramble now and I knew I shouldn’t have said anything.
“Are you seriously lecturing me right now?” I yelled.
“Please tell me you used protection.”
“Of course we did,” I sighed and then stared at my mom, frustrated that was all she cared about.
“I can’t believe this…” she said before I cut her off.
“You were right! Is that what you want to hear? Of course you were right, but I messed up. I messed up! I get it. I messed up more than you can know. I shouldn’t have even told you.”
“No, Riley…” she said, but I interrupted her.
“You don’t get it, Mom!”
“What?”
“It’s not that simple.”
“What’s not that simple?”
“It’s not that I slept with him, which is obviously all you care about!” I shouted. “I slept with him and he broke up with me.”
Her head cocked to the side as she stared at me differently now. Her eyes seemed to soften, but then I saw them grow moist.
“Riley, honey,” she said quietly, reaching over and touching my arm and silence filled the air.
“I slept with him and this morning he broke up with me,” I told her. “But you don’t care about that. All you care about is that I slept with him. I knew you’d be mad.”
“I’m not mad,” she said softly, but said nothing else.
“Then why aren’t you saying anything?” I demanded as I finally turned to look at her. Her face looked heavy and sad and as she stared at me, I saw the corners of her mouth were turned into a frown.
“I’m confused, Riley. What happened?”
“Homecoming. It happened Homecoming night and he broke up with me today,” I said wiping my face and I saw her eyes widen.
“But Homecoming was Saturday night,” she said quietly.
“Exactly, Mom,” I said my voice raising. “He used me. He spent the last couple of months trying to win a bet with his friend to get me to sleep with him and once I did, he broke up with me! I walked into school this morning and he broke up with me. Just like that,” I said, snapping my fingers. “He was done with me. I’ve never been so humiliated in my life. I’m such an idiot,” I said, lowering my voice and shaking my head.
“Don’t say that,” she said quickly, pulling me to her and I cried into her chest as my body shook. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered in my ear as she continued to hold me
“He said he loved me,” I cried. “I only did that with him because he said he loved me and I loved him. But, it was all just a lie. How could he say those things and never mean any of it?”
“I’m afraid people don’t always mean what they say. You’ve always been so trusting, Riley and I’ve always loved that about you. You take people at their word.”
“And look where it’s gotten me! I believed him and now I’m the slut of the school!”
“No, you’re not,” she said adamantly.
“Yes, I am, Mom!”
“You’re not a slut.”
“I know that! But everyone else thinks I am.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do Mom! This is high school and the way Alex dumped me has solidified that for me.”
I was bawling now. I wanted to run out to my car and speed away, never stopping till I was safely back in Boston, away from this place…this awful place.
My mom tried to hug me, but I pulled away and stared at her.
“Don’t. Nothing you say or do is going to make me feel better. Nothing can fix this.”
“I know right now it feels like you won’t ever be okay, but in a couple of weeks…” she said, but I interrupted her again.
“In a couple of weeks, it’ll be just as bad. Everyone will still be staring at me and laughing and I’ll have to look at him every day knowing what he did to me! I can’t do it, Mom. I have to go home.”
“What do you mean?” she asked quietly.
“I have to go back to Boston.”
“Riley, no. You don’t have to do that.”
“Yes, I do,” I said and my voice changed from frantic and scared to calm and serious. Our eyes met and hers were filled with sadness and mine were filled with pleading as I tried to make her understand.
“Let’s just calm down and talk about this later. You don’t need to make any rash decisions.”
“Mom, please. I came here and I gave it a chance, but I don’t belong here. I want to go home…please.”
The silence settled between us again and when she blinked her eyes, tears fell gently down her cheeks.
“Riley,” she began softly. “I’m sorry Alex did this to you. You’re a beautiful girl and a loving girl and a devoted girl and he took advantage of you, but you don’t need to leave.”
“Yes, I do. I can’t go back there.”
“What about your friends?”
“What about them?”
“They’d miss you and you’d miss them.”
“They’d be fine. I’m nothing but trouble to them anyway.”
“No, you’re not. They love you,” she said.
“Yeah, we’ll see how much they love me when Jesse’s kicked out of school after what he did today.”
“What’d Jesse do?” she asked, her face turning up in curiosity.
“He jumped Alex after he found out what he’d done to me.”
She stopped and looked at me with the same expression I recalled from the night Jesse came over to my house and finished taping off my room for me.
“You’re willing to give up a friend like Jesse?” she asked doubtfully.
“Of course I am. I don’t care about anything in this place anymore.”
“You don’t mean that,” she insisted.
“Yes, I do.”
She stared at me again and I knew she didn’t know what to do with me.
“Mom,” I said seriously. “Please let me go back.”
“We’ll talk about this later,” she said softly and then she hugged me, which did make me feel a little bit better.
I didn’t say anything. Even though it was still morning, I was exhausted. My eyes were dry and burning and every bone in my body ached. I laid down on my bed, not even bothering to kick off my boots. My mom gently stroked my hair as my head lay on the pillow. I did all I could to push everything I was feeling away. I didn’t want to think about Alex or the brutal things he’d said to me, but I couldn’t help it. It all kept replaying over and over in my head and my stomach continued to churn like I was going to throw up. I started crying again and didn’t stop until I was asleep.
****
There was a soft knock on my bedroom door and that, along with the creek of it being pushed open, woke me up. My cheeks were chapped from the tears and as I stared up at my mom in the doorway, I knew I must’ve looked like a complete mess. She shut the door behind her and then sat down on the mattress next to me.
“How’re you feeling?” she asked as she reached over and smoothed my hair.
“I don’t know,” I mumbled and glanced over to the clock. I’d been asleep for nearly two hours and I all I wanted to do was close my eyes and return to the blissful darkness.
“I spoke to your dad,” she said a moment later and I felt myself becoming hopeful.
“Yeah?” I asked.
“We’ll send you back to Boston if that’s what you want, although I don’t think you should go. You’re stronger than that,” she said and I detected sadness in her voice and I hated knowing she thought I was weak.
“I can go home?”
“If that’s what you want. I don’t want you to go, but I understand why you think you need to. I just want you to be happy and if you can’t be happy here, then you need to go.”
I reached over and hugged her and whispered a soft thank you in her ear.
“I’ll let your father know. He’s looking into a twelve o’clock flight tomorrow.”
“I’ll start getting my things ready.”
She looked at me again and then she got up and walked out of my room.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
“I’ve really enjoyed having you here,” my grandma said as I was packing up my things. She was sitting on my bed and we’d spent the last half an hour talking about nothing really. It was just nice to have her with me. Of all the things I regretted about moving to Kansas, getting to know my grandma wasn’t one of them.
“Me too, Grandma,” I said as I shoved a pair of jeans into my suitcase and then I turned to her. She looked sad and I hated knowing I’d upset her. “I’m sorry I have to leave.
“Me too, honey,” she said but then reached over and touched my arm. “But, I understand why you have to go. And that Alex seemed like such a nice boy,” she said, shaking her head.
“Yeah, he did,” I said quietly as my stomach got that sick feeling again.
The doorbell rang then and my grandma and I both looked at each other, wondering who it could be.
I heard my mom walk to the front door and I could hear muffled voices speaking back and forth, but I couldn’t tell who it was. Then I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and a second later my mom stood in the doorway.
“Jesse’s here,” she said, her eyes focusing on the suitcase I knew she wished I’d unpack and I froze. “Should I send him up?” she said somberly.
“No,” I told her quickly. “Don’t let him up here. I don’t want him to know I’m leaving. I’ll go down and see him.”
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