I flicked on the lights once I reached my room and smiled when the ultramarine walls greeted me. The old quilt was still covering my bed and there was still a hint of the musty smell I’d first noticed when I moved in. It had bothered me then, but now I found it comforting.
My mom brought the second suitcase in and then without saying anything, we went back downstairs to where my grandma was finishing the sandwiches. We sat down at the table and a moment later, she gave us each a plate before sitting down herself. It was peaceful around the table. We hadn’t sat like this many times. I’d always been upset about something when it came to my mom, even when I had no reason to be. There was always some kind of drama, but there wasn’t any now, which was impressive, considering what had transpired between us.
“This is good, Grandma. Thanks,” I told her.
“You’re welcome,” she said smiling and reaching across the table to pat the top of my hand. “It’s been lonely around here without you. Too quiet. I got used to you and your friends traipsing in and out.”
“Well, I’m back and I’ll be sure to be extra noisy for you,” I said as I took a bite.
“Good,” she said with a warm smile and we were quiet as we finished our sandwiches.
“I’m going to go unpack and start some laundry,” I told them when we were done cleaning up.
When I walked into my room, it felt good to be back. I had barely thought of Alex since Jesse showed up at my dad’s house. I’d be lying if I said I was okay with what he had done or that I’d forgiven him. I definitely wasn’t okay and I would probably never forgive him, but as I looked around at the purple-blue walls, I knew I was already on my way to being okay again. I knew the person who’d helped me paint these four walls was playing a huge role in that healing. The void he left was obvious and if I could, I would’ve kicked myself for not seeing how special he was before I’d gotten into the mess I’d found myself in. Had he not come to Boston and shown me what I was missing, I would’ve stayed there and festered in my grief, feeling sorry for myself and letting it take over me. But, he had come after me and I loved him for that. I couldn’t wait to see Jesse again. I hadn’t told him I was coming back. I wanted to surprise him, just as he’d surprised me in Boston. For all he knew, I was still there and he was probably waiting for my nightly phone call.
I flung one of the suitcases onto the bed and unzipped it. I began taking the clothes out and hanging them back up in the closet next to the clothes I’d left behind when there was a light knock on the doorframe. I turned to see my mom.
“Hey,” I said.
“Need some help?” she asked and even though I’d known instantly when I returned that things had changed between us in a positive way, I knew she was still going to be cautious around me. I didn’t blame her. I’d been so awful and I’d worked hard to push her away. When she spoke to me, her voice was hesitant and careful and I knew she was treading lightly. I had to take care of this. I couldn’t let her go through this anymore. I’d already caused her too much pain.
“I could definitely use some help,” I said, giving her the best smile I could that would show her I wanted her around.
She stepped inside the room and began hanging clothes with me. We worked quietly and soon the suitcase was empty. I zipped it closed and set it on the floor. My mom was reaching for the second one when I stopped her.
“Can we talk?” I asked and she froze just as her hand was resting on the handle of the suitcase.
“Sure,” she said and removed her hand, taking a seat on the bed.
I looked at her sitting on the mattress, waiting for me to begin. She looked up at me with her soft blue eyes. Her blonde hair was hanging freely to her shoulders and she looked so slight and defenseless. It killed me that I’d been so mean to the one person who had always been there for me and had never let me down. I started crying before I could speak and she stood up and wrapped me in her arms.
“I am so sorry,” I sobbed as she held me.
“It’s okay,” she said softly as she stroked my hair.
I tried my best to pull myself together, but being back with my mom was making that nearly impossible. I’d hurt her and I’d been hurt and it had all come to a climax now, but in her arms, I knew everything was okay.
“I’m so sorry,” I said again.
She led me to the bed and we sat down side by side. She held onto my hand and waited until I caught my breath and dried my eyes.
“There is no excuse for how I treated you, Mom,” I said, my voice quiet and ashamed. “I am so sorry and if I could take it all back I would. I wanted to hate you so badly for bringing me here. I think I did hate you at times and I hate myself for that. You never deserved what I said to you and how I acted and I’m sorry, Mom. I’m so sorry.”
I saw her eyes grow moist and she wiped them before the tears could fall.
“Thank you,” she said simply.
“I never wanted to hurt you, but I did.”
“It’s alright. I forgive you.”
“You shouldn’t. I was terrible and then I just took off and ran away from my problems when I brought it on myself.”
“I do forgive you. I’ll always forgive you,” she said, patting my hand gently. “And you need to forgive yourself. Not just about us, but also with everything that’s happened.”
I looked over to her and she was staring at me seriously. She was right. I did need to forgive myself. While I knew this, it was going to take some time before I might actually be able to do so.
“You need to forgive yourself,” she repeated.
“That might take a while,” I admitted and she knew I wasn’t ready yet, but was willing to try, even it might take some time.
“I’m glad you decided to come back,” she said, squeezing my hand.
“Me too. I never should’ve left though. It was stupid.”
“I don’t think it was stupid. You thought you needed to go and to be honest, I don’t blame you,” she said supportively.
“I just had to get away. I’ve never been so hurt in my life.”
“And I’ve never hurt so much for you,” she said softly. “There was nothing I could do to make it better and you won’t understand this until you’re a mother, but there’s no worse feeling than not being able to help your child.”
Her face was plastered with concern and I realized then that even though I was hurting, she was hurting too, maybe even more. She’d been hurting the whole time, not just when Alex had tossed me aside after he was done with me. She’d been hurting when she made the decision to move us here, even though I knew now it was the best thing for us. She’d been hurting when I pushed her away and blamed her for every bad thing in my life, and yet she would forgive me, because she always did.
“You’ve helped me so much, Mom. You don’t even know,” I said seriously and she smiled and it was such a relief to know our relationship was on the mend and would probably be better than it’d ever been. And then I decided to be brave and ask her the question I’d been dying to know the answer to since she told me we were moving to Kansas. I thought maybe she’d tell me now, after everything that had happened. “I want to ask you something,” I said nervously.
“What’s that?”
“Why’d we come here? Why’d you want to come back so badly?”
Her face seemed to drop and she was quiet as she thought. It seemed like I waited forever for her to answer, but she finally did.
“I just felt it was the place we needed to be,” she said simply and I smiled as she continued talking. “I wanted you to know your family. I wanted you to see where I came from. I didn’t do a very good job of that when you were growing up.”
“Why not? I’ve always wondered about that. Why didn’t we come back here more often or why didn’t Grandma call more?”
“There’s a lot you don’t know, Riley. I thought I was too good for Carver. I was ashamed of it, of where I came from, especially once I moved to Boston for college and met your father. But,
I’ve come to realize it’s full of good people and I wanted you to know that,” she said and I couldn’t help but think how similar I was to my mom. From the moment I stepped foot in Carver, I’d thought I was above it. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Carver was too good for me. “After your father and I got divorced, I realized how much time I’d wasted and I wanted to change that. I wanted you to experience the goodness of Carver before you left for college. I wanted you with me. I know that was selfish.” She looked up at me, sad and regretful. “I’ve always been very good at pushing my parents away and I’ve missed so much. I missed out on time with my dad and I’ll never get that back. And,” she said, swallowing hard before continuing. “Your grandma won’t ever tell you this, but she’s not doing great and I wanted to be here with her and I wanted you to know her.”
“Wait,” I interrupted. “What’s wrong with Grandma?”
My heart was pounding as I thought of something being the matter with her. I’d just gotten to know her and I couldn’t stand to think of her being sick.
“Relax,” she said calmly, taking my hand. “Your grandmother made me swear not to tell you, but she’s been diagnosed with early Alzheimer’s.”
“What?” I gasped. “How are you so calm about this?”
“Because I refuse to waste any more time than I already have. It could be a long time till it gets serious and I just want to enjoy my mom for as long as I can. I’ll grieve when something bad happens, until then, it’s life as usual.”
I felt my eyes growing warm. I didn’t want to think of my grandma not being the grandma I knew and loved, but my mom was right. She still was the grandma I knew and loved and I would do my best to remember that.
“Then I’ll do the same,” I said, wiping my eyes.
“It’s going to be okay, Ry. She’s so happy that we’re here and I know that will help her stay healthy. She was over the moon when she found out you were coming back, especially since you’ll be here for Christmas. She loves you, honey…so much, which is why she didn’t want you to know. I didn’t think it was fair keeping you in the dark, but she was adamant. Please don’t tell her you know.”
“I won’t, Mom. I promise,” I said and I meant it.
“So,” my mom continued. “To answer your question, that is why we came here.”
I recalled how upset I’d gotten when she told me we were moving and I asked her why.
She’d told me I wouldn’t understand no matter what she said. She had been right. Had she tried explaining it to me then, I probably would’ve gotten even angrier, but I got it now and I understood.
“I’m glad we came,” I said and I leaned in and hugged her again, before we both went downstairs. My grandma was sitting on the couch and she smiled when we walked into the room. I smiled back and then cuddled up next to her. She put her arm around me and I rested my head on her shoulder.
“I love you, Grandma,” I said to her and she squeezed me tightly. My mom had been right. This is where we needed to be.
Chapter Thirty-Six
When the old blue house came into view, I felt my heart beat quicken. I couldn’t wait to see Jesse. I’d texted him after lunch to see what his plans were for the day. He told me he was just going to be working on one of the four wheelers that had broken down. I was glad he would be home because there was so much I needed to tell him.
The tires of my Jetta rolled easily over the dirt and gravel and I stopped it in front of the shed where we’d hung out and played pool so many times. When I stepped out of my car, I shut the door quietly and took in a deep breath as my heart continued to pound in anticipation. Once inside the shed, a heard the sounds of country music flowing from the sound system. I didn’t know who was singing. I still hadn’t familiarized myself with country and western, but decided I’d probably need to if I was going to be sticking around Carver for a while.
I could faintly hear the sound of metal pounding and I followed it. I felt a grin spread across my face and a wave of relief wash over me when I saw him. He was hunched over fiddling with the four wheeler and didn’t seem to notice me. I watched him for a second. He looked ruggedly handsome as he worked in a flannel shirt and torn jeans. His dark hair was tucked under a beat up old Royals hat and his face was curled up in frustration.
“Hey,” I finally said and his head jerked up. His face twisted in confusion as he was trying to process what he was seeing. He just stared at me for a few moments before finally straightening himself up and wiping his hands on his jeans.
“Riley,” he said, his voice almost at a whisper. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m home,” I said, smiling widely at him.
“For real?” he asked and when I nodded he smiled. Before I knew it, he had crossed the room and enveloped me in a bear hug. I held onto him tightly and he seemed as if he would never let go.
“Your little rescue mission worked…a little delayed, but it worked,” I said as we held onto each other.
He squeezed me one more time and then finally let go, holding me at arm’s length.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” he said, looking me over as if checking to make sure I was real.
“Now you know how I felt when you showed up at my doorstep in Boston,” I said and he grinned.
“When’d you get back?”
“Yesterday.”
“I talked to you last night. You were still in Boston.”
“You thought I was in Boston,” I said as we both laughed and he led me into the game room. He turned down the volume on the sound system and we sat on the couch.
“So, why? Why’d you come back?” he asked once we were settled.
“Because you were right about everything. I never wanted to go back to Boston. I was just running away and after you left, I realized what a mistake it was,” I said and then smiled at him. “And I really missed you guys…especially you, Jesse,” I said softly and he looked away for a moment, staring off into the distance as if he were thinking. He brought his eyes back to mine a few moments later and a shy grin graced his face.
“I missed you too,” he said and then he took my hand. His hand was warm and surprisingly soft and I liked how it felt. “I was afraid I’d never see you again.” He pulled me to him and I went willingly. He smelled so good and I never wanted to leave his embrace. It felt right and I wondered how I had ignored my feelings for so long. How could I have not seen in Jesse what had always been there? How could I want someone like Alex over someone like him? I’d felt it when he kissed me and when he’d brushed my hair out of my face that day we painted, but I’d forced myself to ignore it and push it away, when if I’d only listened to my instincts, I could’ve avoided all this heartache and who knows where I’d be instead of where I was now?
“Jesse,” I said as my heart began to pound so hard I thought it might fly out of my chest. He was staring into my eyes with his smoky gray ones and I felt a ripple in my stomach. “It…it was so hard to watch you leave,” I stuttered. I didn’t know what I was trying to tell him, but I couldn’t stop talking. “And when you left, I just wanted to be with you again. I didn’t want to be apart from you and the thought of never seeing you again…” I said, shaking my head, not knowing how to explain the pain to him. I squeezed his hand harder and I could feel my face flushing.
“Wait, Riley. Don’t say another word,” he interrupted and I wanted to die of embarrassment. Here I was about to spill my guts to him and he didn’t want to hear any of it. “Don’t say another word until you hear what I have to say.”
My heart started pounding even harder. I closed my eyes as I prepared to listen.
“Do you remember that day at Boston Common?” he began and I opened my eyes and nodded. “You demanded to know why I came and I gave you a reason, but it was a bullshit reason.”
“It didn’t sound like that,” I interrupted.
“Well, it was. I went to Boston for one reason,” he said and I could see him swallow hard before continuing. “The real reaso
n I went to Boston to see if you’d come back is,” he said pausing as he swallowed again and took in a deep breath. “The real reason I went to Boston is because I had to tell you how I felt. I wanted to tell you how much I’ve wanted to be with you. I wanted to ask you to choose me. I wanted to tell you… I had to tell you… that I love you.”
I sat frozen as I looked at Jesse, my friend, my best friend, and my heart jumped as I tried to register what Jesse had just said. I knew that’s how I felt, but I never expected him to reciprocate so easily, not after everything I’d put him through and not after everything that had happened with Alex.
“What?” I managed to squeak out quietly.
He hesitated for a second and I wasn’t sure who was more nervous, me or him.
“I said…I love you.”
“Yeah, I heard that, but…I mean…how? After everything that happened. After…after Alex,” I stumbled softly and he broke in.
“I don’t care about any of that. I don’t care about Alex. All I know is that it sucked watching you with him. Everyday seeing you two together was torture, but you need to know I’ve felt this way from practically the first minute I saw you in Constitution on your first day. And then I got to know you and I fell in love with you, even if you didn’t love me. And when you left, I couldn’t just let you go and not tell you how I felt. I went to Boston to tell you, but I couldn’t do it. I realized I was being selfish and I couldn’t try to bring you back just so I could be happy. I couldn’t do that if it didn’t make you happy, but now that you’re here, I just…I had to tell you. And you can hate me and ignore me like you did when I kissed you, but I don’t care because you had to know.”
I took a deep breath in as I tried to think what I would say to him and then I opened my mouth and it just started coming out.
“You’ve been there for me since my first day in Carver and I’ve taken you for granted. I was so caught up with Alex and all that ridiculous stuff that I ignored everything you did for me. You’ve always been the one and deep down I knew it and I’m sorry it took me nearly losing you to realize it. When I left, I thought it was the answer to all my problems, but whenever I thought about you, it made me doubt my decision and having you here, right in front of me, I know I never should’ve left because I don’t want to be away from you.”
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