Chapter 22
Jenna was folding her dirty clothes and tossing them into an empty plastic shopping bag when Nick came back to his apartment after practice. He had been a little worried that she hadn’t responded to his message, but he never did try calling her again. Leaving her a voicemail was the most he could if she wasn’t answering anyway.
“Hey. What are you doing?” he asked her, when she didn’t even notice that he had come back.
“Getting my stuff together. I’m going home,” she replied.
“To New Hampshire?”
“No. Um, Ryan stopped by,” Jenna explained, looking at Nick for the first time since his return. She wasn’t angry with him, but she wasn’t happy either. “I can’t believe you just told him. Nick, I’ve never seen him so angry.”
It shouldn’t have bothered him that she didn’t call him by her nickname for him, but it sounded so strange coming from her mouth. Jenna never called him Nick—it was always Nicky. “He was so mad, and he was taking it out on the other guys, and it just seemed like the right thing to do. I tried calling.”
“Oh yeah. I got your message. After he stopped by.” Jenna sighed.
He paused. Nick was hesitant because he wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear this, but he had to know. “So, what did he say?”
She shrugged, her shoulders almost aching from performing the action so many times. It was a sign of her frustration and complacency and resignation. “He still wants some time to think. And I guess he’ll let me know when he figures it out.”
“That sucks. I’m sorry that this is happening, Jenna,” Nick said, wanting to apologize. This wasn’t what he had expected, or wanted, to happen.
“No, it doesn’t. This is better than what I thought was going to happen. Maybe there’s hope. Maybe Ryan just needs some space and time to miss me.” She gave Nick a weak smile. “At least I know he’s giving me a chance. No matter what he decides, at least he’s thinking about it. And I have to find solace in that.”
Nick nodded and agreed. “That’s very wise.”
“It’s all I have to hold onto.”
She shook her head and looked out the window. Nick’s apartment had a great view of the Chicago skyline. Her eyes glazed over as they lost focus, until she saw nothing but fuzzy shapes and colors. When she spoke again, her voice had a disembodied quality to it. “You know, all that time I spent debating on what to do, whether or not I should tell him, if I still even wanted to be with him.... Well, I guess it’s my just desserts to be on the other end of the waiting.”
He frowned, not sure what to say next. Finally, he decided to offer her a ride. “Do you want me to take you home?” It was one last kind gesture to the woman he had thought he loved, to take her back to the place she called home. Nick was sad to see her go, but he couldn’t keep her. Jenna didn’t want him, regardless of whether Ryan wanted to take her back or not. Love couldn’t be a one-sided affair, and Nick didn’t want to pine away for someone who didn’t reciprocate. He’d kissed Jenna because he wanted her to be happy, and he thought he could be the one to make her feel that way; poor Nick couldn’t have been more wrong. Instead of making her happy, he’d made her miserable.
It wasn’t going to be easy to let her go, but he had to. He had to—for Jenna’s sake and for Ryan’s sake. But most of all, for his own sake. Nick wondered how hard it would be, because he had really fallen in love with the idea of having a girl, like Jenna, the same way that Ryan had Jenna. A grim smile fell across his lips as he realized that maybe he had fallen in love with the idea of her more than he had fallen for Jenna herself. Either way, Nick knew that he needed someone who complemented him the way Jenna and Ryan complemented each other. He needed someone else. He needed someone that would get his mind off the rink when he wasn’t there. He needed someone who would make him smile, even after the losses. He needed someone who would love him back, just as much as he loved her.
Nick sighed and waited for Jenna’s answer. No, moving on wasn’t going to be any easy task, to move on, but Nick knew how to work hard and achieve the goals he set for himself. He figured this would be no different; he could do it.
Jenna shook her head. “No, it’s okay.” She looked up at his face and into his eyes. It was funny now, that she had ever been afraid to look at him for fear that a connection would be formed again. There was a connection between them, but it was one forged by two people who had embarked on a crazy journey of emotional torment. Like they were two criminals who had been caught and arrested, and they’d forever have their escapade to remember and associate with their memories of each other. “I called a cab.”
He didn’t argue with her or insist, even though it didn’t make sense for her to pay someone when he’d do it for free as a favor to her. But then again, Nick figured that she probably didn’t want to be near him right now. After all, that was why she was leaving his apartment. Jenna had relied on Nick too much during this entire ordeal when she should have been relying on Ryan, and that’s what had set the ball rolling.
With an awkward nod of their heads, Jenna grabbed the plastic bag containing her clothes and started for the door, but Nick said something and stopped her. “Let me know what happens?”
“Sure,” she replied. “But I bet you’ll hear about it, either way.”
“I know, but....” He paused. “I know that we probably can’t be friends after this. For obvious reasons. But I just want to know that you’re going to be happy.”
“We’re always going to be friends, somehow, in some way,” she replied. “I owe a lot to you. When it happened, I was so upset and confused. I wasn’t sure what I wanted. And now, I do. It wasn’t worth it, but I can’t change it. However, I gained a lot of perspective. I can only hope Ryan sees how truly sorry I am.”
“He just needs to calm down. He’ll come around, Jenna.”
“I hope so. I really, really hope so.”
Ryan wouldn’t have had to tell Jenna that he wasn’t staying in their house. She could feel it as soon as the cab dropped her off, that he wasn’t there and hadn’t been for a while. The house felt empty, and not at all like the home Jenna had remembered. Ryan was like a light that irradiated throughout the entire building when he was home. His absence was not only felt in the building, but in Jenna’s core. She missed him terribly. She missed being near him. She missed his energy and his humor and his laugh and his presence. Jenna missed everything about Ryan.
The ring never left her right hand. With Ryan gone, and her only recent memories of him weighing on her conscience, that giant pink diamond was the only positive connection she felt with him. He hadn’t taken it back, even if they weren’t ready to move forward yet. She wanted that ring to be on her left hand or gone, but she also was afraid of his final answer, if that final answer were to be no.
Two more days had passed since then, and now it was Wednesday. She still hadn’t heard from Ryan, and she was worried. The longer it took Ryan to come to a conclusion, the more Jenna thought that he was going to throw in the towel. If he really wanted her, if he needed her, it wouldn’t take him this long to realize it.
On that afternoon, she had finally gotten sick of sitting around, doing nothing, and eating stale potato chips. Eating all that junk food made her feel greasy and disgusting, so she decided to wash up and go do something, anything. Maybe go to the Art Institute. If she was going to have to leave Chicago, she might as well go see American Gothic and Nighthawks one more time, while she still had the opportunity to do so.
As she had done in the previous few days, she left her ring on as she showered. Until she absolutely had to, she wasn’t going to take it off. Jenna worked the shampoo into her hair before suddenly feeling a sudden cool blast of air that shocked her. She turned to see the curtain pulled back and Ryan standing there.
At first, she said nothing, only making a lame attempt to cover her breasts. It was a foolish move, because Ryan had seen them plenty of times before, but it felt different. Until he made known what he wa
nted, she wasn’t going to give him a free show. “What are you doing here?” she eked out finally. She hoped this meant that he had made up his mind, but she wasn’t sure because she couldn’t read his expression.
Ryan’s eyes raked over her form. It wasn’t done in a crude way; he was looking for any tainted markings on her. As Ryan had contemplated what to do about Jenna over and over during the past several days, he came to several big conclusions. First, he knew he still loved Jenna. So much that it hurt. So much that it was why he hurt so much. He loved her spirit and her personality and her, but, in accordance with his second conclusion, he was worried if he could ever be physically intimate with her again, knowing that she had had sex with another man. Knowing that she had sex with Nick. Ryan felt that if it had been one of those stupid art guys, coming to a decision would have been easier. He wouldn’t have been able to place a face to the nameless man, he would have been able to rationalize her behavior, and he would have been able to forgive her.
He thought he’d be able to tell that she was defiled or tarnished. Like there would be fingerprints on her skin in all the places Nick had touched her. That image had haunted him: Jenna’s body, branded by another man’s caresses, and he had to see for himself. As irrational as it sounded, Ryan was surprised to find that she looked exactly the same as she always had.
With nimble fingers and quick hands, he shed his clothes and dropped them unceremoniously on the floor, stepping into the shower and closing the curtain behind him. Jenna stared at him wordlessly, mouth agape and wondering what the hell he was doing, but she didn’t put up a protest as Ryan grabbed the soap and lathered up his hands. Those hands proceeded to roam all over her body, scrubbing from the bottoms of her feet to the tips of her fingers as well as everywhere in between.
It was a cleansing ritual; Ryan was removing any traces that Nick may have left behind. He was washing her clean so they could start all over. So her skin would be fresh and new and only remember his touch, and no one else’s.
She let him take control and perform that act, knowing vaguely in her head that was what he was doing but not caring enough to tell him how silly it was. He was here with her, and she would let him do anything to her if it meant he’d stay with her. Besides, she liked the feel of his hands as they worked up her arms and to her shoulders, down her back, and across to her front. It felt like foreplay. Jenna had missed his touches and the way he could make her feel, and the gentle, steady, circular motions of his hands started to drive her crazy. She wanted Ryan, and she wanted him badly; however, she was afraid to push her luck. It didn’t mean they were ready for that step yet.
Ryan knew exactly the effect he was having on her. He saw Jenna bite her lip and close her eyes, and his hands felt her erect nipples as he washed her breasts. It was a mild form of torture, and he took some pleasure out of working her into an aroused state and not taking it any further than that. He grabbed her waist and held her body against his as he leaned her back under the spray, allowing the suds to rinse down the drain.
He admired the way she looked, and Jenna knew that he liked it because she could feel the proof against her stomach. Ryan leaned down and kissed the spot above her clavicle before kissing her neck. Then he pulled her towards him and placed his lips over hers. It was soft at first, until she couldn’t take it anymore. Jenna nibbled on his bottom lip and wrapped her arms around his neck. Their kiss deepened and their tongues swirled together as Ryan grabbed her ass and lifted, making Jenna hook her legs around his waist as he stepped out of the shower and carried her into the bedroom.
Ryan eased Jenna onto the bed. They were both soaking wet from the shower, but neither seemed to mind. He looked down at her as Jenna looked back up at him through hooded eyes. She was delirious with want, and Ryan hadn’t seen that look of lust from her in a while.
The only thing Ryan could think about was if this was how Jenna had looked at.... He couldn’t even think his name. It made Ryan’s blood boil, and he took it out on Jenna by making sure that she would never, ever remember one minute she spent with him.
His hands slid easily across her skin, disrupting the beads of water that had formed on her stomach. Jenna writhed, trying to stretch her body so his hands would touch her more sensitive places, but Ryan didn’t allow her to speed this up. He was going to make her moan and scream and forget everything else besides him.
Leaning over her, Ryan kissed Jenna hard enough to make her lips bruise and swirled his tongue around hers. He flicked his tongue inside her mouth, mimicking everything he was going to do to her body when the time was right. Jenna laced her fingers against the back of Ryan’s head and kept his lips against hers. It had been a long time since they’d made out like this.
He dragged his lips across her cheek to her ear, and he nibbled on her lobe. Ryan thought about saying something, but he wasn’t sure what; he kept quiet and put his mouth to better use as he sucked on the thin flesh of her neck. His hands cupped her breasts, and his palms rubbed against her pert nipples; they were so hard that it almost hurt. Almost. It was the perfect blend of pleasure and pain, and she arched her back and begged him to continue. “Oh, yes. Ryan, please don’t stop.”
The sound of desperation in her voice made Ryan’s erection harden even more, but he made himself slow down. He trailed kisses down her chest and sucked one of her nipples into his mouth, biting down softly and sweeping his tongue over it. Jenna, who still had her hands on the back of his head, felt her body tense. As her muscles tightened, her hands balled into fists and she gripped his hair and pulled.
Taking that as a sign that Jenna liked what he was doing, his now idle hand pressed between her legs. She squirmed and adjusted the positioning of her body, trying to rub herself against his fingers. He spread her folds apart and felt how wet she was—and that was not a side effect from the shower.
Ryan dipped one finger inside of her, using her wetness to accelerate his strokes as his fingers slid across her clit as he simultaneously kissed across her chest to her other breast. Jenna shuddered and let go of Ryan, unable to hold on anymore. She tossed and turned, wishing that she could feel that way forever and also impatiently waiting to lose herself in her orgasm. Completely unable to form coherent words, Jenna choked out a few moans and sighs.
Repositioning himself on the bed, Ryan inserted two fingers inside of her while he flicked his tongue between her folds and found that hard little nub with his mouth. He could feel how close she was, so he curled his fingers to hit that spot as he pumped them into her and began to spell out his name with his tongue.
He didn’t even get to the A before she let out a loud scream and flew over the edge, her legs shaking on either side of his body and her back arching completely off the bed.
As she began to regain her sense of awareness, Ryan grabbed her hips and pulled her limp body towards him, impaling her quickly with his aching dick. He groaned and savored the feeling, forgetting completely about why he was doing this and just wanting to make love to her for the sake of making love. To be with her, because he had missed this.
Jenna bucked her hips, spurring Ryan into motion, too. They moved together, in sync with one another, working toward the common goal of finding that release. Jenna felt her body begin to tense again, and she grabbed onto the sheets for dear life as she climaxed again. As her body clenched around him, Ryan grunted and followed suit, coming inside her.
They panted and rolled over onto their sides, so they were still facing each other. Jenna looked at Ryan, noticing that his eyes looked green. She smiled at him and reached out to touch the side of his face, as if making sure that he was actually here and that actually just happened, instead of being a dream. Ryan grabbed her hand and glanced at it, his thumb rubbing over the diamond ring. Jenna tensed again, but this time it wasn’t in a good way. She was nervous. Now what?
He removed the ring from her hand and focused his eyes on it, turning it over in his fingers and thinking about how silly it was how society placed so much importa
nce on one simple piece of jewelry. Not that this particular ring was simple. It sparkled too much for that. Exhaling deeply, he looked back at Jenna’s face.
She was worried. He wasn’t making a move or saying anything, and she didn’t know what this meant for her, for him, for them. So she made a promise, “If you let me, Ryan, I will spend every moment of the rest of my life making sure you know how much I love you.”
Ryan examined her face and saw only sincerity. It made his heart palpitate and stop beating at the same time. He believed that she would live up to that promise, if only he gave her the chance. He thought about it for only a second more before he took her left hand in his and put the ring back where it belonged.
Epilogue
Jenna stood at the window. She looked out at the trees and the flying birds, feeling the warm gust of wind as it blew back the curtains on either side of her. The weather was perfect, better than she ever could have imagined on this day. The sky was blue and the sun was shining; it was a perfect day for a wedding.
Linda, her mother, stepped behind her and placed her hands on her daughter’s shoulders. “What are you thinking about?”
“Today’s supposed to be the happiest day of my life. But it isn’t.”
“What do you mean, honey? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, Mom. That’s just it. Everything’s great,” Jenna replied, smoothing the skirt of her white dress and smiling at her. “I’m happy Ryan and I are getting married. So happy, but this isn’t the best day of my life. If it were, then everything would be going downhill past today. But I know things are only going to get better, you know?”
“That’s a lovely sentiment.”
“It’s not just a sentiment. I truly believe it.”
“Marriage isn’t always easy,” Linda advised. “It’s a lot of hard work. Lord knows that your father and I haven’t always gotten along. But every good moment is worth every fight. It’s worth fighting for. Don’t forget that, and you and Ryan will have nothing to worry about.”
Play the Man Page 21