Avren: An Auxem Novel

by Lisa Lace

  Sean, who was a small man, looked over at Dar's large form. He was clearly thinking about Healey being beaten to a pulp.

  Of course, he held all the cards since he could transport us into space at any moment and kill us. But I felt like Jared had turned the tide, and he wouldn't do that anymore.

  Jared had appealed to his humanity. He had reminded him of who he truly was, and once someone remembers their true nature, they can no longer commit random acts of violence.

  "Sean, please help us. You could come with us. Sarah and Eileen are..." He looked down at his hands, searching for some way of saying it that was not harsh and would soften the truth. "They're dead, Sean."

  "No."

  "Yes. They killed all the prisoners. There's no reason for us to stay anymore. Let's get out of here. These are good people. We can leave together."

  Sean looked at all of us. He seemed disoriented and like he didn't know what to do. I decided we ought to capitalize on that, in case he changed his mind.

  "Where are the shuttles?" I said, then modified my question. "The ones that aren't pre-programmed."

  I looked at Dar, and he gave me a wry glance.

  "I know where they are," Jared said, not looking at Sean. "And they have hyperdrive capability so we'll be out of here in no time." Sean would come or he wouldn't. As long as he wouldn't stand in our way, that was what mattered now.

  Jared headed down a corridor, and we followed him. I looked back once at Sean and saw that he was sitting down, his face in his hands, lost in his grief.

  DAR

  Once I programmed the shuttle for a course to Susohn, I felt like collapsing. Recent events had caught up to me. I couldn't process them all.

  Kenna had already showered and gone to bed, so I said goodnight to Jared and went to find rest for myself. I showered, changed, and was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

  When I woke up, the lights were still dimmed in my room. I sat up and felt disoriented. Then I remembered everything. The commander about to rape Kenna. The crazy feeling of rage that had overwhelmed me. The satisfaction I had felt in hurting him.

  I felt sick to my stomach. I had enjoyed hurting another being. It went against everything I had learned about peace and harmony at my mother's knee. Our culture believed in non-violence. We believed that there was always another solution. We believed that there was good in everyone.

  Oh, The Three save me. What I had done was so wrong on so many levels.

  How could I look my mother in the eye again?

  And now...now that I knew I loved Kenna, I was no longer worthy of her. I shook my head as I considered the irony.

  I reacted violently to save her. And, yes, of course, I had saved her because it was the right thing to do. But part of me had also saved her because I wanted her. Now, because of the way I had gone about it, I didn't deserve to have her anymore.

  Frustration welled up in me, and I had to let it out. I roared out my pain in one long yell. Then I lay back on the bed and put my hands over my face. I lay there until I erupted in another loud sound of despair before I got myself under control.

  A light tapping on my door came a minute later. Oh great. Now my screaming I had disturbed someone. These people couldn't even sleep in peace, without me bothering everyone?

  When I didn't answer, the door opened and then closed again quietly. I could smell her the moment she stepped through the door. Kenna. But what did she want? I couldn't even look myself in the face. I didn't want to see her.

  "Dar?" she whispered across the darkened room.

  I didn't answer, just lay perfectly still. Maybe she would go away.

  "Dar?"

  She turned to go out. I heard her mutter something about having imagined it. Then I coughed, and she froze. Shit. Now she knew I was awake.

  She didn't say anything else and just came over to the bed. She stood there for a long minute, and I ignored her. The pain in my heart was too much. I didn't want to burden her with it.

  "If you want me to go, tell me now," she said softly.

  I couldn't speak. I didn't want her to go. I wanted her to comfort me. I wanted her to forgive me. I wanted to forgive myself.

  When I didn't answer, she slipped into bed beside me. I was still lying on my back, and she curled up to me. She kissed me on my cheek that was rough with stubble and then laid her head on my shoulder. I didn't move to hold her, but I appreciated her touching me. The contact did comfort me a little.

  "Dar?" she said, finally. "What's wrong?"

  Well, that was easy.

  "Me," I said.

  "What do you mean?" she said, lifting her head. "We escaped. We're free. You're going home. You saved me."

  "By nearly killing a man."

  "You had to," she said, confused.

  "Did I?" I knew my tone was bitter, but I couldn't help it. "There are always other choices than violence, Kenna. Always. Even if we don't want to make them."

  "But, I don't..."

  "Susohnnan believe that all life is sacred. The foundation of our entire culture is the principle of honoring the living. Violence is the greatest of crimes. Harming another is the greatest of all sins. But I enjoyed it. I gained satisfaction from it, Kenna. That is what disgusts me the most about my actions."

  "There wasn't any other choice. Would you have let him rape me?" she said.

  "No," I said strongly. "No. But there were other ways. And I could have stopped long before I did."

  "That's true. Why didn't you stop? I had to pull you back from some weird place you had gone to."

  I nodded.

  "My rational mind and my conscience disappeared when the rage came up and took over. That's why I was barely able to stop. Allowing the fury to control me was a grave mistake and makes me wonder who I am."

  "Dar," Kenna said, propping herself up on her elbow. There was no artificial light in the room, but the faint light of the stars from the viewscreen allowed me to see her silhouette. "I get that you come from a peaceful culture. I understand that you hold yourself to a very high standard, especially as the king. But listen to me. You are also just a Susohnnan, not a god. You're fallible, as we all are. You cannot destroy yourself about one mistake."

  I winced at her phrasing.

  "But to nearly take another being's life on purpose?"

  "That would have been wrong. But you didn't. You stopped. You made the right choice."

  "Only because you brought me back," I whispered.

  "That's what...That's what friends do," she said. "They're there for each other."

  "Friends?" I said, feeling a stab of pain in my guts.

  "Aren't we?" she said.

  "I had hoped we were more," I said, turning so that my back was to her. "But I understand. I hate myself. I don't blame you for doing the same."

  "Dar, that's not what I meant. I didn't...Oh, now I've gone and put my foot in my mouth," she said, sighing deeply.

  "You didn't really, did you?" I said, a little grossed out at the thought. I stretched my feet out and touched hers, confirming that they were nowhere near her mouth. "That's just an expression, right?"

  She laughed.

  "Yeah, it's just an expression, Dar. Sometimes it means that someone said something they shouldn't have that got them into trouble. This time, it means I screwed up my words and didn't say what I meant to say. Will you give me a chance to say them over?"

  I just lay there, the heavy despair settling into my bones making it impossible for me to move.

  She got up, and I felt like crying. She was going to leave. And I knew that if she left, she wouldn't ever come back to me.

  But all she did was turn the lights up just enough so that I could make out her face in the dimness. I still felt covered and protected by the near-darkness.

  She came back to the bed and lay down again on the other side this time, so she was facing me.

  "We started out as lovers," she said, tracing her finger gently down my cheek. "Then we were prisoners together. Then pa
rtners, escaping. We've each saved the other more times than I can remember. And we are friends, Dar. I have fun just talking and laughing with you. But..."

  She stopped then, and I held my breath.

  "You're right." She searched my eyes. "There is more."

  She bit her lip.

  "Honestly, I don't know what I mean, Dar. I'm not very good at this kind of thing."

  I dropped my eyes.

  "But this I know for sure. I want to be with you. All the time. Until you feel like sending my sorry ass back to where I came from, I want to wake up with you and make love to you. And face whatever comes at us. Together."

  "Really?" I said, feeling a little breathless. "Even after what I did?"

  She hadn't said it, but what she had said was close enough. She wanted to be with me.

  "Really. Look, I know you want me to say that other thing but I just..."

  I put my finger over her sweet lips, and she stopped talking.

  "Enough," I said. "No more words."

  I pulled her to me, rolling so that I was on top of her and pinning her to the bed.

  "Oh," she said, a little breathless.

  "Show me how you feel, Kenna."

  KENNA (A FEW MINUTES AGO)

  Something had woken me. And thank god for that. I had been having a nightmare. Someone had me pinned on my upper body and was pulling down my pants. When I awoke, I was covered in sweat, and my nightgown was soaked through. I reached for the lights.

  I shut my eyes when the brightness hit them, but I didn't care. I needed to chase the nightmare away. I hoped this was a one-time thing. I had heard of people being plagued by bad dreams after experiencing trauma, and I didn't want to be one of them.

  My heart was still pounding. I sucked in a deep breath and let it out again slowly. I contemplated going to Dar, but he had looked beat when I had said goodnight to him. He had enough troubles and didn't need me adding mine to the pile.

  My mind told myself again that I was safe, that I was far away from the danger, that Dar and Jared would protect me, if necessary. But my nervous system wasn't listening. My body still felt revved up and full of adrenaline and fear.

  That was when I heard it. A sound of extreme emotional pain.

  Was that Dar?

  I got up immediately. My only thought was to go to him, to comfort him and to do something to help. Then I realized I was still wearing the sweaty nightgown. Gross. I took the old one off and threw it in the laundry, pulling a new one over my head. Then I let myself out of my room and went and knocked on Dar's door.

  There was no answer.

  I waited. He doesn't want to see me. That's why he isn't answering. I turned away, feeling sorrow in my chest. He didn't want me. He didn't need me. Just like everyone else. I was drowning in self-pity when I remembered the sound that I had heard. He was hurting. And maybe he THOUGHT he didn't want me around. But that didn't mean that he didn't NEED me around.

  I would go in and ask. If he kicked me out, I'd go back to bed. I pressed the button on the wall, and the doors slid silently open. I stepped through and closed the door behind me. It was very dark, and there was no sound from the bed.

  "Dar?" I whispered.

  No answer.

  "Dar?" I tried again.

  I waited a moment longer.

  Maybe I just imagined it, I thought to myself, turning to leave.

  Then he coughed. So he wasn't asleep after all.

  I padded over to the bed in my bare feet and stood silently. Would he say anything? I waited a moment longer. Nope.

  "If you want me to go, tell me now."

  He didn't speak.

  Good. That meant he didn't want me to go.

  I smiled and climbed into bed with him. I inhaled the smell of his clean pajamas and his scent. It all smelled like comfort to me. I pressed myself up against him, loving the feel of his body against mine.

  I kissed his stubble-covered cheek and nestled my head down on his chest. I sighed, feeling better already. He has such a peaceful effect on me, I thought. I remembered how he had calmed me down when I had been flipping out (with good reason, as it turned out) about arriving at the space station.

  Wasn't there a reason I was in here?

  Eventually, I asked him about what was bothering him and like I had expected, it was about him beating up that good-for-nothing commander. I thought he was crazy to worry about that, but when I saw it through his eyes, it all made sense. In his culture, what he had done was equivalent to me killing the commander in self-defense.

  If I had killed a man, I know that I would be all torn up and feeling guilty. It wouldn't matter that I HAD to do it. It wouldn't matter that he was an asshole that didn't deserve to live. I would be devastated.

  For Dar, what he had done was the same as killing someone because the intent was there. Maybe if I hadn't stopped him, he would have killed him. Who knows? He had been really out of it. And that's what was troubling him. The fact that he had wanted to kill.

  "To nearly take another being's life on purpose," he said.

  "Would have been wrong. But you didn't. You stopped. You made the right choice," I reminded him.

  "Only because you brought me back," he whispered.

  "That's what..." I searched for the right word to describe our relationship. Finding nothing appropriate, I used the closest thing I could think of that made sense. "That's what friends do. They're there for each other."

  That didn't come out right.

  "Friends?" His voice was full of pain again, but this time caused by me. Oh, I was such an idiot in these situations. That had come out completely wrong.

  "Aren't we?" I said, hoping to gloss over it.

  Oops.

  "I had hoped we were more," he said, turning his back to me. "But I understand. I hate myself. I don't blame you for doing the same."

  I needed to explain. And I think I did. I told him I didn't know how to describe us, but I just wanted to be with him. I hoped that would be enough to fix the mistake I had made.

  I didn't want him to think that I didn't care about him. I did care about him. A lot. And I would tell him when I was ready. But I couldn't say it yet.

  "Really." How could he think that I wouldn't want to be with him just because he had beaten up the commander? If he hadn't, then I would likely be more traumatized right now if I was still alive.

  "Look, I know you want me to say that other thing but I just..."

  He put his finger over my lips silencing me.

  "Enough. No more words."

  Then he flipped us so that he was on top of me, pressing the air out of my body with his weight.

  "Oh," I said, feeling breathless and aroused.

  "Show me how you feel, Kenna."

  Did he want less talk and more action? I could do that. In fact, I wanted nothing more right now.

  My heart swelled, and I had to be as close to him as possible. I needed him filling me and surrounding me.

  "Dar," I gasped, as he pinned me to the bed with his large body. God, I loved it when he did that. I loved the breathless feeling and how he seemed so powerful to me.

  We kissed. And we were both so keyed up still with emotion and adrenaline that the intensity was overwhelming. I didn't care. I let my desire take over, my thinking mind disappearing completely.

  He moved down my body, kissing and sucking and licking. I moaned as he stopped at my breasts that were ripe for the taking. I arched my back, offering them to him, and he took one nipple into his mouth. I let out another groan as he suckled me. I couldn't help it. It felt good.

  But after a minute, he left my breasts and continued down. I held my breath when he got to my triangle of dark curls. What was he doing? He spread my legs and dipped his head down.

  I felt his tongue on my clit and my hips bucked. He grabbed me with his big hands and held me down as he continued circling my clit with his tongue. I made little mewling sounds and squirmed with pleasure. He licked up my slit and then came back to my hard
little nub, thrusting two fingers inside me at the same time.

  "Dar," I said, threading my fingers through his hair.

  He curled his fingers and rubbed my G-spot, as he continued to suck on my clit. Out of nowhere a massive climax hit me, rocking my body over and over. It was unbelievable.

  He looked up at me, then, from where he was crouched between my legs and with deliberation rolled me over onto my side so that my left hip was facing up. Slowly, he leaned over and kissed the spot where a female Susohnnan's scar would be.

  My breath caught in my throat and tears filled my eyes. He rolled me back over.

  "Dar."

  "Kenna," he said, his eyes serious.

  He crawled back up my body and laid himself over me, enfolding me in his arms. We kissed for a long time and then I felt myself getting aroused again and wanting him inside me.

  "Now, Dar. Please." I spread my legs, and he lined himself up with my opening. Slowly he pressed into me until he slid inside, embedding himself deeply.

  He stopped when he buried his cock to the hilt in me and touched his forehead to mine. I closed my eyes, and we stayed that way for a long moment. He sighed.

  Then he pulled out and thrust in deep. I gasped as he found a rhythm, sinking into me again and again. That felt so good. I tilted my hips a bit and took him deeper.

  "Kenna," he said. "You're beautiful and sexy."

  He didn't rush, just plunged into me steadily. I focused on my pleasure and felt it intensify. Heat bloomed all over my body as the orgasm built until I was hit over and over by the sensual waves. I thrashed beneath him in rapture as he continued to pound into me.

  Suddenly he held still, and I felt it as he exploded inside of me. He groaned in completion as my muscles continued to clench around him. He went to roll off, but I held him to me. I wanted him inside me a little bit longer.

  I had a feeling that things were going to change between us when he got back home. I wanted to remember — when everything went to hell — what it felt like to have him so close to me.