And her key in the lock, yes, she had entered, hearing now her movements beyond the door. My memory also returned, yes, she would sense it, myself, presence of my life, as suffocating her, why I was here, it was her room, if I had forgotten.
Yes I had forgotten, what lay between us.
If she also had forgotten.
She entered. She had not forgotten. I saw this at once. Neither speaking to me, nor looking to me, if what I could do, nothing. She had bags and inside the room now she unpacked these bags, two bags, and put things into the drawers, cupboard that she had. I had none. My things were in one bag, where was the bag, the bag was under the bed, I had no cupboard, it was for her, all was for her, in her room.
I greeted her. She did not reply. If she did not hear my words, perhaps I thought these words only, not speaking them, if I do not exist but in my own mind, people can so exist, not exist. I turned from her, looking from the window, outside this building, high building, number of floors high, numbering six, seven, something, I did not count them, perhaps now, keeping my mind active, how many floors high are we now in this building,
for she could not say to me how are you, not even that, how are you. If I exist in my own mind. She could not greet me! No! I asked her what it is. I said to her. What is wrong? Something, what is it? I said.
Now she looked and I saw at once the distance in her, distance from myself was there in her eyes, I saw it there and it was great.
I smiled. If I challenged her, I think so. I did not want her to hurt me, knowing that she had. Yes she had hurt me. We had been together now weeks, many weeks, sharing all matters, enduring these. What I am to say of it, this is as it was, my love. What do women do, if I knew, I did not know but also having to turn from her, seeing from the window, how outside that it was now dark, even since her return it so had become. I was silent, looking. She also looked to the window, there were the mountains. Night sky. Here high up, higher, seeing it, her chair by the window. From this place it is also beautiful, there is not the sea, we observe no sailing vessels, the world does now lie beyond, or if so, may it, this world is bounded, there are perimeters, perimeter, one sense of that world which is our world, forced onto ourselves, we ourselves, our people. If we might sail somewhere. I said it to her. Perhaps so, sailing from here, so far and onward, to the ocean, new lands far from us now. Could we? Why not, we two, our lives together. I said it to her, if we might sail somewhere.
She did not move. I waited. The night grew darker so too light in the room, diminished, I did not move to press the switch, neither she nor myself, could she move, I could not. This then was the death silence. I supposed it. I may speak of it. I was sitting, we two were sitting, I on the bed she on the chair by the window. Before she had left these days ago I was sleeping she would be on this chair, unable to sleep, wondering that I did so, why was that. I said to her why not. You have no guilt, yes, I have no guilt, I can sleep, easily. I cannot, she said, I am so tired but cannot. She waited I waited, yes, also, for she was to speak. I would have spoken. Then, later. When, then. Anytime, or once more, if so. But it was to her firstly. She was to speak, it was her. Long minutes had passed. We make our shapes, our own fictions. We see these blueblack clouds and shadows, all presences, people now dead in life, living inside our brains. Recall where we then were, and plunging through clouds, such a thought was with me, should I jump, yes, I could jump, she did not know, none did know but certainly I could. If they would push not push, if they might request then I would jump, perhaps she also, she also. She too is human being, having seen all such troubles, we too. What is it that she thinks, thinking I should be there if she is, only that she is therefore I am unable to move. And with work to do, my work is to be done and it is necessary work.
Now to the window once more. I am saying that she did not look to me but to the window and I did not to her but also to the window and I smelled her, knowing her, only if to touch her, yes, wanting to touch her and hold her to myself, of course. Into the night sky, we stared into it, yes, I would jump from here, plunging through clouds, what life is it that we have, people gone and so plunging when so pushed as this woman who thought I was only there, and without her I might jump from here, to my death, leaping, death is escape, death is now being safe, resting, resting, I would jump from there, if she looked to me in a certain manner, if only she looked in that manner certainly I would jump plunging through clouds, certainly I would do this, it is certainement, yes madam colleague my love, companion-colleague how are you today, it is evening, bonne nuit for you, buenas noches, it is good that we are alive, hullo, is it good. If what she wanted from me I do not know, do not know, what it is, I am to do and say, what I can I do, I do not make revolution, what this is, I do not know, surviving to age naturally, what we individual people are, human beings, my love, she cannot bear that she is with me, I saw this in her, she did not
offensive to her, I was offensive, to her
Still she could not say anything, speak to me, why can she not, not to speak to me, this long time together, through much that we had been these many many weeks and then nothing, who she had met, she had met someone, of course she had, if not, if she had not what was she, godlike being, woman of all earth and heaven, woman from planet Mars, whose body I so know who knowing, my body also
I was trembling, shivering now, trembling, one, yes, what happened, I say how she gave one cigarette to myself, another to her. She had cigarettes. She gave one to myself, one to her, herself. But if we smoked we smoked together, it is how that we did so, smoking one cigarette, together. Now here separate, she gave one to myself and to herself. This was significant for me. I might be angry. Of course. I was not. I might be sad, no, I was not. Let us clear matters here. I did work as was necessary. Work that I did, I can say she did not approve. She said so, that it had no importance in this world that we share, she said this to me. Meanings. She said of meanings, no meanings. What are meanings? Who can say what meanings may be. This and that, both have meanings, are meanings, I do not know but that she spoke of these. I did not listen too closely, angry by her, what choice as though that I had, I had none, we had none. Yes angry but not as at her but as childishly, she acted such, this reasoning was childish, and said so to her, I did so say it to her and also how that it was necessary. It is necessary work that we do. I said to her, Nothing is wrong in it. How do we value it, if in this meaning is to lie, if as you say meanings, what meanings are in this world, this world is not in common, you think our world is in common? That is childish.
She said, I am childish?
Not you.
You say that I am childish, that is what you said
What?
You said it, I am childish?
Yes, if what you say, it is childish.
It is your arrogance, unthinking.
It is not arrogance, I have no arrogance
You have no arrogance, she smiled.
Not as you are saying
What then, what is it? You mean something, what is it?
I do not understand you.
If that you mean something
I do not.
Then it has no meaning.
None, what we do, none of it, not meanings, none, nothing. You see something in this as I see nothing.
You see nothing, yes, nothing, nothing that may be wrong. How might that be. This objective of yours that is so primary, objective of ours, how something may be wrong in it, it cannot be. We are to trap people. It is good, good for human beings, good for the world. This is freedom to come, trapping people.
I know what is wrong, I said, it is the sarcasm you bring to bear.
I use it on myself. It is myself. I do not use sarcasm on you. We are to trap people. Surely there is nothing that can be proper in that?
These people are in error. People can be in error.
These people are colleagues. They abuse discretionary powers. These errors are errors
Errors are errors.
Greater errors.<
br />
You know what they do, these colleague-people?
Colleague-people, yes, I know what they do
You? You know what they do? I said so.
Ah, you said so.
I said so, I am saying so, now to you, yes.
Now you are brave.
Brave to speak to you? Yes I am brave, yes, speaking to you.
These are colleagues.
Yes, and I say it to you, also, they abuse discretionary powers. They do that. Yes, these are colleagues. Perhaps you have forgotten. You knew it and now do not know it.
You do know it?
Yes and therefore say it to you, yourself. I know it and have said it.
Ah, you know such powers.
I know such powers, yes, what may be abused, yes, I know it.
You know abuse.
Yes.
Each of us one to another, we abuse.
Yes.
As you know.
It is you, you who know.
I know of morale, she said, that morale is low, I know that, yes, among our colleagues, wondering what is to be done further, how people may be supported, all victims, grieving families. If colleagues see that ways may exist but these ways are barred from them, yes, morale is low of course it is low, I know it, you also must know it.
Yes I know it, morale is low, low for them, four meals for the day for them, and wine also, generous wine, hours of rest, what relaxation, finer coffees, let us drink brandy from France, cognac. Perhaps their morale can improve soon, give them cigarettes, cigars. Morale is low. What is that, people are murdered by State agency, people are tortured by State agency, people are massacred by State agency, yes, colleagues’ morale, I am so sorry, it is low, morale is low, murderers at liberty now promoted let us see football, what is the goals scored, where is a television, cafe-bar Fräulein, ein Bier zwei Bier, danke, see how the striker has scored a goal, we have no opposition, he was dancing through our defences, we have no defences. Morale is so low, lower, give me beer please and fine sausage. I do not know about morale.
I do not know you.
No?
I do not know you, it is you, I do not know you.
No?
This is all you say, no?
It is all that I say, all that I say to you
Ah, now, saying it
Yes, saying it, I do say it, to you, it is you who hear me, I so am saying it, to you. I shall shout, let me shout, open the window here for people, let me shout, I shall shout. Everything.
Yes, she said, open the window, I shall open it for you to shout. People are deaf, shout, shout from the window, jump from the window.
I am not deaf.
You are deaf. Also blind.
Thank you.
We cannot speak, she said, no longer.
I cannot speak. To you. Only to you. You are the sensitive person, all understanding is yours.
We cannot speak.
Cannot speak, it is you, you speak of abuse, that I abuse you, what is it you are saying?
You do not abuse me, only I abuse you. I am sorry. Morale is low, my own.
Your own morale?
Yes.
Something then may happen, when morale is low. Tell me, what may happen? Something may happen if morale is low? Tell me of actions that may occur, arising from characters that are weakened.
But all experience is with you so if it is then you must tell me, if it is possible, you must know, you know all things.
You think to shame me by what you say, you cannot so shame me, you cannot.
I do not think to shame you
Yes, as that morning before your departure this time, it is six days ago, as food was there and you were eating, I heard you, I entered the room, I heard you, sitting with our colleagues, speaking of different matters, disaffections are among people, I heard you, speaking then also of morale. I heard you, I did not listen for long. I saw also you were smoking cigarettes.
But not you.
No.
You had no cigarettes.
You had cigarettes, I had none. You had food, I had none.
Food was there for you.
Cigarettes were not. You were smoking cigarettes, you three, you and these other two, he who watches you
He does not watch me
I see his eyes, he watches you, it is he who abuses, I know his look, how he sees you. All having cigarettes, yes, you sat with them. You discussed matters?
Of course.
You sat with them, talked with them.
Of course.
You talked with them?
If you think so.
I think so.
Yes.
You said of our work that it may be described as degenerate.
Degenerate, I used the word?
Degenerate, yes.
You heard that I used this word?
According to others.
To others, they said to you?
I heard.
But I did not use the word. Another word.
Degenerate is your word, it is your word of yourself, the work you do.
Work we do. Your word, our work, it is not my word for this work, my word is obligation, what must be done.
I think of you you are a dangerous man. Having regard for you, that is what I think, to human beings, you are dangerous.
If I am dangerous to human beings, respect derives from there. It is no criticism. You use this as criticism, for me it is not, it is the work we must do, the source of respect. You condemn it, saying words with hostility, some, but this work is necessary work, it is to be done, myself yourself, we do it, if not who, if we do not. Please, I said.
What?
I waited for this time to come, you returning, if you were safe
I am safe, you also. She turned her head, looked to the window. She said, This is my life.
Will you eat?
I have eaten.
You have eaten?
Yes. Also, this room is my room.
I shall leave it.
She did not answer.
I shall leave your room.
When?
Tonight. This moment, this moment now, I shall leave.
No, just now is late, tomorrow. Tonight I must sleep. She sighed. Please, I am tired, very tired.
10
“lecture, re sensitive periods”
They are all the way through and are integral, what also are called universal if from positions of authority. In working through the issue these become of greater complexity, entering into every part of how society operates, from the State and its government downwards. There were then as now no State security agencies active in this manner within our territory, immediate or wider, so we were advised by authoritys dutiful-appointed. But if at sensitive periods people are confronted by these agencies and all soon come to know of their existence, unless in denial, so remaining. Where do they come from.
These authoritys and securitys adopt the role of defence or prosecuting authority, of judge, jury, executioner, what may be the requirement. Operational roles. This is no policy. There is reference to “proper conclusion”, what is meant by this.
They do not suffer complexity. They argue it is needless, misplaced. What we ourselves believed was the case, we said it to them. We would not disguise our perception of a given situation, given to us. We told them never. If it is instrumental to regard the government as an agency of State. Of course. They wondered that we knew this at once.
It can only be accepted. If indeed that it so exists it can only be accepted. If only we understand what it is being argued. Democratic controls, that their existence is ratified. Other agencies, existing autonomously. This can be conceded. There is executive control. Let that be assumed also but that this guarantees the operation its autonomy, let that also be understood. And of public discourse. Of course such control is allowed, this may be assumed also. But when, as in this present time, the more thoroughly we enter into “campaigning work” the more thoroughly we come to under
stand the depth of confrontation, the nature of what is in confrontation. We need not be ignorant of what lurks in our midst, neither requiring such information thrust down our throats. When we have gathered appropriate data, and we will have gathered these, then further knowledge of that or related situations will have become ours. From where, from wherever. We know of what is said, of that which we say. Thus it is to make a leap in reasoning. Thus also do we come to know that when a person dies in struggle through injury, accident or disease, whether what they call evil, or as an effect of what they call warfare, by acts of intention and omission, wilful malice, disregard for human safety, and further, and that these be civil or adjudged criminal by international adjudication, then also at that stage a value is in operation, that these need not lie outwith our area of control, for any such death is an act of terrorism, State-inspired.
What is evil. A situation not controlled.
A situation may be looked upon as outwith control if outwith control by humans, by agency of humans. If we believe in beings not of us, gods, we return to gods and thus we have evil, or what, whatever we may have that lies beyond us, outside our control, we humans. But so too with the civil. This is no contradiction. What is civil. Yes, situation controlled. But who is controlling, who is controller.
We have asked these questions. We are advised of a way into the thinking, we are to understand what effects are obtained by such deaths within our culture. How our people may respond to them, how the State and master authoritys respond to them. In this we ascertain how they may respond to this “campaigning formation”, how that it must do
Yes, and how do we respond to them on this understanding. Can it be enough that we do. Some say so.
The State Security Council responds as though to a mystery but we are not security, for us there is no mystery, yet do we adopt the leading position, as though in hold of a mystery. This is the position the security detests. All authority. They may be heard repeating so on any occasion that there is no mystery, what mystery could there be, not unless contrived as such, concealing the truth as by intention. We also argue there is no mystery. There is life and not life. Who withdraws one.
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