Translated Accounts

by Kelman, James

  These personnel parading for us. I then thought so, yes, they parade for us, it is a theatre for travellers, relatives, vendors, all customers, suspected colleagues.

  But soon this parade was not so by this first man, who he was and decisions that had been made, who had made them

  And some will oppose humiliation. Also militarys, having regard one for another, respecting themselves, we are great men, greater, and with all weaponry, see our weaponry.

  We have experience. It is predicted. We can say, Opposition will come.

  I do not know if he was grandson. I say that. Perhaps son, nephew, neighbour I do not know. What could he be. He was led to one side, he did not look to anywhere, could be looking to anywhere, be to anywhere but did not look to anywhere. This is a way, method, who will survive, we shall survive. Who understands this, all understand this. We have the experience. What humiliation is. People do not look to anywhere. He looked to what only took place and in front of him, as happening there, then, his eyes seeing only that.

  If a moment, who says, I do not think so.

  Honourable militarys, honourable securitys, all honourable operatives and personnel, yes, all were foolish. I say it, am saying it and am saying it. With such experience, oh such experience, held by such personnel, one may never witness such experience. What was happening, death was happening, this human race, inexperience that information was not possible, better bayo-net better shoot, simply execute, this power is here, now kill him, better than such for no purpose wasted, energy for nothing, buses will depart the terminal, shoot this first man, it is better for us also, bus-travellers, better for all, we are a practical people.

  I thought it might happen. I saw the curving line of men’s faces, from men’s faces, military and security faces, to a dead man on this street. I could say it, my experience, all of ours, this first man knocked down rising up knocked down rising up

  predicted by all, our colleague, and I watched it, so witnessing.

  On the upper deck people stared down to that street, none speaking. The first man was looking now this way and that. Crazed emotions were onto his face. I saw it. We waited. If the bullet would be fired into his head, when, we waited, yes, when, we knew this and waited, simply this, we waited. But not the younger man who did not wait who now was become maddened and his act signalled this. Wrath, rage, humiliation. Where his elderly relatives might be, I could not see them. Their grandson, who that he was, now his act, stepping to a vendor of vegetation, pumpkins, this box upon which these pumpkins rotted, lifting the pumpkin and throwing this at personnel, and one military, if insignia was there on his heart, oh such dignity, higher military comrade-colleague, how are you this afternoon a pumpkin is now breaking onto your uniform, splashing, proud uniform

  what I am

  None can say. The pumpkin was lifted, the pumpkin was thrown, it hit onto his insignia breast, splashing, and how he started, military official, now staring, wild in his eyes, widened eyes, big and roundly, now seeing us on this upper flight deck, we travellers. All people were stunned by the action of the younger fellow. I can say this first man, our colleague, who now should be dead, he too stared, only staring, as with everyone, and military and all operatives, shocked by one action, splashing pumpkin.

  I say this was a pumpkin, so witnessing. Others have said watermelon, this is a watermelon story. Now the military official was stepping to the younger fellow, firing bullets into his head immediately. These military were not maddened. These are experienced fellows.

  No disturbance followed. What was to happen. I did not see the elderly couple.

  I did not see the first man. If he was removed from there. I did not know him, nothing of him but that he was our colleague, I have no doubt.

  We can ask, we may ask.

  I also may laugh, and at these questions, who is to forgive, if of myself. I ask it.

  Other details.

  No disturbance followed, buses depart. I said. This is the pumpkin story, or watermelons, I now have narrated it. What is memory, if I who was there and so bearing witness to it, if times may arise for opposition, when do these times arise, what was the time of the younger man and we travellers who could do nothing, what time is it for myself, if questions are to follow, if they should, not for myself, who am a practical man.

  15

  “wine from one religious”

  You have told me you are a religious man and you have told me of the religion itself, as held by you.

  I have stated this.

  You also are prepared for attacks, and all hostility.

  Yes.

  If I may say, a man from your culture is less likely to hold such beliefs, also anyone, if he has such beliefs, man or woman, often they remain secret.

  I was surprised you have asked me.

  I would ask you, where is honesty.

  Where.

  Such beliefs are considered foolish.

  Yes.

  So you are foolish?

  You charge me with foolishness, it is a serious charge.

  Then why smile. Or not, yes.

  Charge me.

  I charge you with foolishness.

  If so then so. I do not care what people may think of me, you also are a person. And you asked of the religion, which is my religion, which is amusing to myself.

  If I may apologise.

  No, it is myself, I apologise to you.

  There is no need, only advise me, I am asking these questions, having faith in your answers.

  Thank you.

  You have said it is your own religion. You have invented it from your own head.

  Yes.

  There is no god but your god.

  Yes.

  I have told you that for other religions this is blasphemy. You have replied that you do not care.

  Cannot care.

  Cannot, yes.

  I cannot.

  You cannot care.

  That I cannot care, yes, I have told you, for it is my central belief, I stand or fall by it, all it, of it, remembering that my god so may resemble an ordinary god.

  And of other gods, complicated gods, having complications, gods whose nature is not ordinary, whose nature is extraordinary.

  Yes.

  These are the preferable ones.

  Yes.

  What of these?

  I know little of them.

  All religions down through these many centuries, ten or twenty, fifty, how many years on this planet for human beings, one million. If other planets, how many religions are there.

  I do not know.

  So also religions on this one planet, thousands, how many?

  I do not know.

  What of them?

  I do not know about them, but if a distinction will exist radically and that it is a matter fundamental, if so, I do not know

  But from all such religions radical not radical there can be one to suit all, all peoples may find one truth for oneself, yet you have one for yourself, invented by yourself for yourself.

  I cannot care.

  Explain further arguments to me.

  You are deaf to religious matters.

  Only my ears. My mind will listen.

  You said you have repugnance for religions.

  I had such an upbringing, it was my mother and father, all families, people there of our community, all believing in gods yes and all prophets and evil persons, yes and also if all gods had all relations, mother father, what sons or daughters, we children would say, we had heard, some had watched a television if they may be christian or muslim and for the “god”, all-powerful beings, and in his son mithra also devils, ghosts, these animals also having spirit beings and too almighty trees and bushes and all-powerful waters or darker shadows, deities, entities if we say entities as that spiritual coming to you in the dark, piercing blue light emanating from these skulls and who is to be in such light, who, we children hold the covering over our heads that we shall hide from all spirit beings, yes, but they also were amusi
ng, for we children, only ourself. Yes, such an upbringing. Who can speak of it.

  None.

  What might be said, if one so does it, what can he say?

  Nothing.

  I thought to ask of yourself why only the christian or muslim god that it is not, that yours is not, as you have said, and why that it is not one another, from the jewish, the sikh or buddhist?

  I do not understand.

  You have said.

  I apologise

  Yet you have said it.

  I apologise

  No sense is there

  Yes

  If it is religion, I am speaking of religion. I, I am speaking of religion.

  You are the religious man.

  I am the atheist.

  You are the religious man.

  You are the religious man.

  Though I know very little.

  I also.

  I know very little.

  Yes, as myself.

  I cannot dispute it.

  I understand that we are to be together for several days. I may watch you closely. I may learn from you.

  I may learn from you

  Yes.

  If I so choose.

  Yes.

  Perhaps I do not choose.

  Yes.

  If we are to be together for several days, between us there seems no ground in common.

  What of the enemy forces, surely these are in common?

  You take this for granted?

  Until in error.

  I cannot so take this for granted, if it is possible for yourself, not for myself.

  You do not trust colleagues?

  I shall not live forever.

  You regard the enemy not as enemy?

  Yes

  But not as I understand “enemy”.

  Yes, I shall kill them.

  Of course you shall kill them, if they come to kill yourself. But I do not believe you if during these acts you also shall love them. Why do you laugh? You must answer, I cannot understand you.

  I shall now pour further wine into your container, further wine also to my container. And, I say to you, say to you now, as I am pouring this wine, your hand is not shaking, it is enough for you, now my own. Yes, I also drink, all health to ourselves, and telling now something different to you, if this that I have invented no longer is religion, religious.

  16

  “they see you”

  You are not from their place. These people do not see a place where you can have come, they do not understand there are so many places, that they are throughout the world (places), they have not that understanding

  but the world is small

  but not as they think it

  I do not believe that they think it.

  You have had (no) reason to give the opinion. Are there not occasions when their faces haunt your waking hours unwaking hours, when you sleep, am awake, these faces,

  yes they crowd in on my brains mind, mind of my brains, what I can say may say if to

  mind of my brain

  what I can say about it. They see you and think you are of alien species.

  Yes.

  You ask them to do things.

  They would do them, achieve them, at cost to themself. I could see these faces, music of these faces, in these faces, yes, yes, as a camera is there and the children crowding into frame of the shot, large eyes as all children

  And what.

  What.

  Finish what you are saying. Finish. Finish what you are saying.

  I am not saying, I say nothing

  17

  “split in my brain”

  The pain in the back of my head did not begin from so great a point and if a fall then such that it withstood the greater impact though I was stunned for some period of time as I may state.

  I had not set these things down. They would have laid that charge against myself. Their decision had been made and if that what could I do but nothing.

  Not to antagonise. Beyond that.

  I could not rationalise.

  I was the suspect, they said that, to me also, yes, I listened to them, heard them.

  No, I said nothing, what could I say to them, those who suspected me.

  They harboured these suspicions. This position was theirs. I scratched my neck and one said to me, Do not scratch your neck when we are speaking.

  I continued. The one looked to myself. I did not apologise.

  His voice was at such a distance.

  Soon I had entered into my own self and things that I knew, knew from myself, if he had assaulted me, it was as nothing, he and they cannot know, they think of death that might be of them, ours is unimaginable to them. I stared way way beyond. I saw how the wind feels that it moves by its own force. A split had formed in my brain caused by the shadow of an act that I committed unknowingly

  It was unknowingly.

  A matter of power, the matter of power

  mattering

  The freedom not being a true freedom which I knew even then. If based on a degree of exploitation. These are self-evident things. A knowledge that lay beyond the edge of my brain

  listening to my breathing, not daring to move

  I saw him there, the one, again looking to me, at me. He had been speaking. I knew it. Did I wonder?

  what he had said.

  method of inclosing myself in nothing but myself so to rid myself,

  rid myself of them, all

  Them, of them. And the place itself was round me and inside attempting to overthrow, take control

  from such an instrument a pattern, and from the pattern

  I was staring at the ceiling, and it was as a mirror, I saw myself, staring out at the mountains beyond. Of course screams. I myself had the pain, in the back, of my head

  I was out beyond them, the one and those others, what they did, they could do, perpetrators, to talk of hope is to luxuriate in their bosom. There is no hope, there can be no hope, I would not wish hope, that hope

  coloured by failure, my visions, all is marked by it

  chipping at the concrete, my beliefs’ foundation, they think to, as though to weaken the stanchions.

  no not pain, not so much, not the awareness of it. But I could not locate where/what it was

  The back of the head was broken, my head. It was said to me. I could have smiled

  they might admit of terrible things. What are terrible things? What they do to me there in these places tethered and tied a goat from childhood I remember

  And of wealthy, wealthy. I would ask.

  Of our bodies, they fail to cope, cannot evolve, such that they manufacture

  What is manufacture

  There are requirements, I said, essential

  A tawdry thing

  vigilant but submissive, apprehensive

  casting barely a glance to where my feet might fall

  not able to squeeze, squeeze it

  mad as not mad (but they suspect me)

  that I would have not gone thus, to have remained only

  indifferent, loitering, yawning together

  My fingers trembled yet I could smile easily, all body.

  the dead are inside them, inside me, my feet in the undergrowth, slimy.

  they were sturdy enough though ancient

  stanchions, ancient

  as beliefs

  18

  “respect is for actions”

  Some people are sarcastic, older people also younger people. As I was young older people were sarcastic, even silence, unto silence, asking questions of them and they are silent. We ask them questions they do not reply, do not think to reply, yet also it is respect they are demanding of us, as of rights, entitlements. But I said then as now that no, not from myself, not respect not regard, nothing, unless you show to me that it is an entitlement. Then I shall allow it. So I said to them. You are elderly, we are to show regard for you, our behaviour must be deferential. If it is to be so, by myself, no, I do not think so. I have had a fath
er, a mother. Have I regard for them, inter, one to another, as between? but if between, what, and if I am not an equal, I always am so?

  If the day will come when equality is there, it is possible, one thinks it must be but perhaps is not so.

  But for yourself. Of course it is asked of myself. I am younger. All ask it of myself ourself, for you also, seeing their faces, for we younger ones, it is true that I see them and knowing it is so expected, deferential behaviour, why? from myself, yes, I am to have such a thing, oh please may I serve you I am younger I may serve you.

  Of course it is foolish. If I am thought foolish. It is yourself, thinking I am foolish. I said it to them. Older people. Whose expectations? They are too much. Who holds them. Foolish people. All are to be treated similarly. Respect is not for long and older ages but is for the actions of people. If these are elderly persons and they have acted better then respect is to them, and rightly it is so but if respect is not there, neither shown anywhere, how we are to respect such people. It is not possible, only foolish. I cannot lie.

  19

  “I speak of these men”

  These men stood around, committing sexual acts together, he it was seated. He sat on some thing, not a chair. None else but the other man if he too was there he took his place. I do not know. It was dark, features were not visible. I think he was not younger but perhaps, if he was younger

  I do not know the reason. What reason. What reason might there be. I do not know. Not either about women, I do not know about women, it was not the place for women, who did not go there. This was by the perimeter where lay the outer encampment. Far from my section.

  I do not know.

  Yes I was there. I said. Why should I deny it it was nothing. It was far from my section. I would go walking to there.

  What of the man who was older, naked man, he had a top covering. Both were older. I said that, if one was younger, older than myself. He was seated on that occasion. They were around him, they held each their penis, sometimes he. Yes, also, he held it, my penis, I said it. Other men departed. I do not know. What reason. Some lost interest. I said it that they lost interest. They departed. To somewhere. I do not know. Men lose interest, go away. I said what happened. I do not know about these two men. I saw the younger man. I said that I did. Having regard for me, yes, I said it, having regard for me, he had it. He also would look. Of course. I know that he would. It was not rape. I am saying it. Yes, I have heard. These terms, definitions. Perhaps if it was rape, no, I am saying it, it was not.