by L. Nicole
I won’t rest until I convince her to stay in town. A connection like the one we have, a night like the one we shared is fucking rare. I don’t see it ever happening again, and I don’t want it to. I want June.
Just June.
12
June
Lee’s text leaves me feeling so confused.
I like him, I really do, but I can’t get past the dress—and I really want to! I like Lee. As in, I want to spend more time with him. At this point, I don’t think I would be opposed to spending all of my time with Lee. Mom always said that she took one look at my father and knew that he was the man she was going to marry—the man she was going to make a home with.
I always thought she was just being romantic, but secretly that’s exactly the kind of love I wanted. Until I had found the dress, I thought maybe I had found that in Lee.
Now everything just seems like a mess.
By the time I make it home, my mind has gone haywire, imagining all kinds of things, but the image of him in a dress and full makeup and a wig and those pumps is something I can’t erase now that it’s formed.
I don’t write him back.
I just can’t.
Instead, I spend the next week ghosting him and feeling guilty the entire time. I don’t answer his first text, or the second, or the third. And when he finally calls two days later, I don’t pick up.
Instead, I stare at the ringing phone with dread until it stops ringing.
Folks have odd kinks, I know this. An old girlfriend told me once about a man she met that got off on having eggs rolled towards his balls. Another one told me her husband liked to lick her feet while she sang Britney Spears songs to him. A girl I’d met in college had a boyfriend that could only orgasm if they were having sex outside.
Everyone’s unique, and whatever floats one’s boat is alright with me.
That doesn’t mean I want to participate, though.
I spent way too much time thinking about all of the ‘what-ifs’ that could be involved with a man like Lee. He’s such a paradox. A big, rough and tumble alpha male with a soft side — a very soft side.
What if I did agree to see him again? And then, what if he asked me to do something I wasn’t comfortable with? What if he wanted me to dress him myself? What if I came home one day to find him watching television in one of my nighties?
Or, even more awkward — what if he wanted to wear my lingerie while he was in bed with me?
I shudder, the enormity of it all overwhelming me.
Sadness filling me even more. I miss Lee so bad. My body aches for him and yet, in my heart I know.
He’s just not meant to be mine.
13
Lee
“What the fuck, Tony?” I shout, slamming the fridge.
He jumps, then looks over at me sheepishly.
“You ate the rest of my burger, you asshole?” I growl.
“Sorry, dude, I thought you were finished,” he says.
A surge of anger rushes through me that I force myself to contain. I’ve been dealing with a huge amount of frustration the last few weeks and it wasn’t letting up, no matter what I did.
June has flat out ghosted me.
I can’t believe it. We’d had a fucking phenomenal night together, and when I’d left her lying in my bed, she’d made me feel like I’d snagged myself a real-life angel.
But then, everything went cold.
I can’t believe she’s played me like a damn chump.
I’m frustrated because I can’t stop thinking about her, no matter how hard I try. And I’ve tried. I tried burying myself in work, but once Fourth of July was over, there aren’t a lot of fires to put out.
So, I turned to putting out the flames that June had started in my body.
I jerked off —a lot— trying to erase her memory from my brain. Unfortunately, my body wasn’t cooperating and all. I constantly found myself reliving every detail about our night together. Even when I’m sleeping, June is in my dreams, just out of reach. I wake up with my cock so fucking hard my balls ache, so damned horny I could pound nails into damn concrete. I jerk off until my damn hands feel raw, but nothing I do exorcises that woman from my mind.
My frustration has quickly turned to anger that I am now taking out on all my coworkers.
“Dude, you need to chill,” Tony says. He knows what’s going on. He’s my best friend, which made it all that much easier to unload on him. “Have you tried calling her again?”
“No,” I sulk. I’d texted her three times and called twice, leaving a voicemail both times, and she hadn’t said boo to me. “I’m not humiliating myself anymore.”
“Chicks, man,” he says, slapping me on the back. “You never know what’s going through their minds.”
“Yeah,” I agree. “I’m going to head out for a bit. It’s slow as fuck around here anyway. Going to get some lunch. You want anything?”
He flashes me a sheepish smile. “I just ate, thanks.”
“Asshole,” I mutter, stomping away. I jump in my truck and head down to Suzie’s diner near the center of town. If I wasn’t on duty, I’d drown my sorrows in a few beers, but I’ll have to wait till my shift’s over to do that.
I’d spent plenty of nights drinking myself to sleep the last week.
After finding a spot to park in, I lock up the truck and head into the diner, grateful to see my favorite waitress working. Cindy is Suzie’s daughter, but she runs the place during the lunch rush. She and her mom own the diner and the dress shop around the corner, and they trade off working at each place.
“Hey, Lee,” she drawls. “How are you today, sweetie?”
“I’ve been better,” I growl.
“Trouble in paradise?” She asks.
“Paradise?” I question, cocking my head.
“Everyone in town saw you leave the fair with Betty and Lee’s daughter last week. Saw you all snuggled up on the dance floor, too, so don’t you tell me it ain’t nothin’. Every single woman in this town has tried to get your attention and come up empty. So, we know this girl means something to you.”
I groan, shaking my head. “I wish I could tell you it was something, Cindy, but I can’t.”
“Well, that’s too bad,” she says. “She’s cute as a button.”
I nod my head but don’t reply. June’s a lot more than cute, in my opinion. She’s beautiful and sexy, but apparently not interested in me at all.
I order a burger and fries and sit alone, moping while waiting until my food comes. Then, I eat and sulk some more.
“Damn,” Cindy says, as she brings me my check. “I haven’t seen you this bummed in a long time, Lee. You sure things aren’t salvageable with June?”
“Nothing to salvage apparently. But, thank you for your concern. You’re a sweetheart.”
“Well, so are you, Lee, and everyone in town knows that. If June doesn’t recognize that, that’s her problem.”
“Well, if it ain’t meant to be, it just ain’t meant to be, I guess,” I reply, shaking my head and just wanting to leave.
“Ain’t that the sad truth,” she replies. She takes my money and comes back with my change.
“Keep it,” I say, waving her off.
“Thank you,” she says. “Hey, can you take something over to my mom? I can’t leave right now. There’s too many customers for me to leave the diner and Mom needs change.”
“Of course,” I say. She nods and leaves, then comes back with a black bank bag. “Thanks, again, Lee. Keep your head up. There’s other fish in the sea, you know.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I say, with a dismissive wave.
The unfortunate thing about that is that I’m only interested in one particular fish and she doesn’t want to swim in my sea, apparently.
14
June
The streets are bathed in sunshine, rays of sunlight pouring over the town, heating the asphalt beneath my feet so much that I can feel the heat permeating the bottom of my sandals.
Lucy and I stroll down Main Street, wasting time before my meeting with a painter at the house. Almost all the work is done and I’m so happy for it, too.
I’m ready to get out of this town now. I’ve spent plenty of time going through Mom and Dad’s things—which luckily the fire hadn’t completely destroyed. Once the house is back in order, I’ll have an estate sale and donate the rest.
I’ve finally made my decision and it feels good to have a little bit of direction. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do after the house sells, but I’ll have enough money that I can settle down anywhere I want.
It’s a freeing thought and bittersweet, too, because if it wasn’t for my parent’s dying, then I would never have had this opportunity. They’d seen to it that I was cared for and that made me love them even more.
Lucy stops every few feet to sniff and pee and I take the opportunity to indulge in my favorite activity—people watching.
The town square’s buzzing with people today, everyone out and about, shopping, grabbing lunch and running errands. Suzie’s diner’s packed and the parking lot of the grocery store’s full.
If I’m being honest, I’ll admit that I’m going to miss this place.
It’s boring and quiet, but the sense of community and kindness that I feel everyday I’m here is hard to deny.
Lucy finishes sniffing the spot she was so interested in and we begin walking again, looking in the shop windows as we pass. I linger in front of the window of the bookstore, contemplating buying a new novel. I haven’t finished the one I’m reading yet, because most nights lately are spent with the open book in my lap and my head firmly obsessed with remembering my night with Lee.
I can’t stop thinking about him, no matter how hard I try.
I keep walking, taking the street that will head back towards my folk’s house. I turn my head and look in Suzie’s dress shop and freeze as the door opens and Lee walks out.
He stops when he sees me, his gaze hard, his lips firm.
“Um, hi,” I say, glancing behind him and blushing when I put it together. He’s coming out of the dress shop. Dammit. Luckily, he doesn’t have a shopping bag in his hand. That would have made this much more awkward, as I surely would have wanted to know what was in it.
Or, did I?
No, I decided, I most definitely did not want to know why he was coming out of a dress shop.
“Hey,” he says, lifting his chin slightly. He leans down to pet Lucy, then looks back at me again. “You doing alright?”
“Yeah,” I say, unable to come up with anything else.
“Great,” he says, shaking his head. He pauses waiting for me to say something, most likely an explanation of why I ghosted him, and when I don’t offer it up, he scoffs and turns away. “Have a nice day, June.”
I watch him walk away with a lump forming in the pit of my stomach.
I’d hurt him. Or pissed him off. Either way, I’d been extremely rude in not returning his calls and messages and I know that.
Part of me wants to run after him and explain, because I feel like I owe him that much, at least.
But what am I going to say? I was snooping in your private things and I found your secret stash of ladies clothing?
No. It’s better left unsaid and allow both of us to save face.
Let him be mad at me. Let him think I used him. Let him think what he wants to think. Whatever he was thinking, it had to be less embarrassing than the truth.
Still, as I watch him jump in his truck and drive away without even throwing a second glance my way, I can’t ignore the pain in my heart.
We’d had something special, even if it was just one night.
Giving it up hurts like hell…
15
June
A week later, after avoiding any place Lee might show up, I finally venture out into public again, hoping like hell I won’t run into him again.
I’d finally started selling off some of my parent’s furniture and valuables, and the house was even closer to being finished. In fact, I’d scheduled the estate sale for a few weeks away and taken out a small ad in the local paper to announce it. I knew Lee would likely see that and I could only hope he wouldn’t show up.
He had no reason too, outside of another fire happening and I wasn’t about to let anyone near that house again with so much as a match.
I’d been researching charities to donate some of the proceeds of my parent’s estate to, quickly placing checks in the mail every day. I’d seen a flyer for an upcoming dinner and auction that was happening tonight to benefit a local children’s cancer hospital and I knew it was exactly the kind of place I was looking for to make sure my parent’s money went to a good cause.
I bought my ticket — for a hefty thousand dollars — and found a dress in Mom’s closet that was fancy enough to wear to the dinner. I got dressed and curled my hair, letting it fall in loose waves around my face and even put on a little makeup—the first time since my night with Lee.
Since I can’t take Lucy with me, I head out alone, waving to the girl at the front desk and walking the short distance to the Townsend Baptist Church.
The dinner’s being held in the basement.
I didn’t figure this was going to be anything fancy for that thousand bucks. Still, I don’t feel bad about overdressing. I needed a distraction—badly.
As much as I’m sure I’ve made the right decision, I still can’t stop thinking about Lee.
I yearn to feel his hands on me again and I spend most of my nights fighting off the urge to just call him and beg forgiveness. But each time, I stop myself because the truth is just too hard to admit and while I want to hear his side of the story, the truth is he doesn’t owe me any explanations. He is who he is and unfortunately I’m the one with the problem I guess.
What he does in the privacy of his own home is not any of my business.
I have no right to question him. In the end, I saw no good way out of this, so I let everything just lay the way it was and focused on moving forward.
I’ve tried to distract myself by scouring the internet for where I should go on vacation when this is all over. I have it narrowed down to Costa Rica or Cabo. Maybe both. I’m deeply grateful for the freedom I have and silently send a message of gratitude to my parents, before opening the heavy door of the church.
The sound of a large crowd hits me at once. Stuffed with people, the small lobby opens up into a side room with a staircase that leads into the basement — the same basement my parents had sent me to daycare at decades ago.
I warmly greet the few faces I recognize and make my way downstairs.
They’d gone all out, decorating with gold and pink balloons. The area was filled with large round tables covered in crisp white tablecloths. The room is crowded with more people than the lobby had. At the end other end from where I’m standing is a small stage. It’s set up with a red curtain draped around it.
Voices buzz around me as I make my way to my seat. Ignoring the uncomfortableness of arriving alone, I sit down and look around. A waiter comes up and offers me a glass of punch and I gratefully take it, sipping it as the chairs around me slowly begin to fill up.
Eventually, the lights dim, signaling the start of the show. I have no idea what to expect, other than there’s going to be an auction of some sort. An emcee walks out in front of the stage, a microphone in hand.
“Hello, ladies and gents!” he shouts, before launching into a series of jokes that have all of us laughing in seconds.
16
Lee
“Holy shit, you look hot, Andrews!” the Chief exclaims, as Tony spins around in front of him.
“Thanks, Chief,” Tony replies, awkwardly attempting a curtsy.
“That color lipstick goes really well with your complexion,” the Chief laughs and Tony flips him off, making him laugh harder.
“I think so, too,” I agree, garnering a dirty look from Tony.
I snort, walking around and trying to get used to my
new shoes. They’re tight on my toes, which is messing with my balance a little bit. Thus, the practice. The last thing I need is to break an ankle in these things.
“Turn around,” Tony says to me as I pass him. “Your sash isn’t tied properly.”
“It’s not?” I ask, trying to look over my shoulder to no avail.
“No, here, let me help you,” he says. I stand in front of him as he tightens the sash around my waist and ties it into a big bow and then fluffs it up.
“You’re way too good at this, dude,” I say, checking myself out in the mirror.
“Unlike you, I actually have a girlfriend and have to do this shit for her,” he says, and I frown, an errant thought of June immediately springing to my mind.
Damn it.
I just can’t get her out of my head. I’d walked away, figuring one night was one night and apparently that’s all she was looking for. It’s not her fault that I wanted…needed more than that.
I reach up to adjust the blonde wig on my head, smoothing the errant strands that are sticking up on my head. “Hey, do you have any hair spray?”
“Yeah, dude, I just bought a new can,” Tony says. “It’s the extra hold shit. It’s over on the table in my purse.”
“You’re a gem, Tony,” I mutter, gingerly stepping over and opening up Tony’s cheetah print purse. “The last thing I thought I’d be doing is messing with your bag,” I grumble under my breath as I dig through a mess of panty hose and lipsticks before finding the can of aerosol hairspray at the bottom.
“You’d be so lucky to touch my damn bag,” he growls.
I take the can out and spray some over my head, drenching the fake strands, smoothing down the stray pieces of hair before it dries.
Taking a good long look in the mirror, I smooth my dress over my body and straighten my boobs — which were really a bunch of old socks stuffed in a huge bra.