by Alex Douglas
The crew kept talking of their bizarre dreams, of a yellow world gazed on by twin suns, and he knew then for sure that he was broadcasting more and more. He stood at the mirror in his quarters in despair, holding his robes open, looking down at his groin. The swelling he had been doing his best to avoid thinking about was getting more and more prominent. He knew it wouldn't be long before his genitalia emerged, and felt a helpless panic. What was he to do then? He was terrified and bewildered by his changing body, and he cursed the Elders on Aldor for all their nonsense about Destiny, and seeing stars. Why were they so respected, when not one thing they ever said was useful?
To distract himself, he immersed himself in his reading. He remembered Kai's talk of melohar, and looked it up on his Tablet, which contained enough literature to keep him busy for the rest of his life. It was as she'd described -- a condition of the suho that ensured successful mating. Sifting through Belaari scientific vocabulary that made his eyes water, he ascertained that melohar was some kind of mind-altering pheromone exuded by the suho that worked on the visual and sensory areas of the brain, infusing the onlooker with the belief that they were looking at -- and touching -- the one they desired most in the universe. Melohar translated as many things: aura, True Sight, Lover's Gaze.
Lan felt irresistibly drawn to the princess. It was almost as if she was calling out to him; a little voice at the edge of his consciousness, urging, begging, inviting. The sensation in his stomach had turned from a faint nausea into an almost constant pain. He'd looked up some more Aldorian medical texts about The Change but the few he'd found were old and written in the high language of the past, full of euphemism and devoid of fact. However, each of his symptoms individually could mean any number of dire conditions. He could no longer focus completely on anything, and existed in a state of almost-constant panic. The only thing he knew for certain in his feverish mind was that he had to see the princess, whatever the cost.
But there was a problem -- or two. Firstly, the fact that the princess was sharing quarters with Kai, and Kai was unlikely to miss an unauthorized intrusion. She rarely came out except to use the bathroom, always accompanied by her constructs to stand guard in case of any more door incidents. And secondly -- the guards. He hadn't been able to ascertain whether the constructs reacted to movement or to body heat, as the more efficient models were set to detect. The one time he had passed them on his way to a faulty access panel they'd sprung out and pinned him against the wall, almost wringing the life out of him until Glitch had come running with proof of the need for their presence, so close to the forbidden princess.
He also had some kind of sick hope that if he was to look upon the princess, and just a look of course... the face he would see would be that of the mate his parents had selected. A beautiful Aldorian female from a good background, just the sort of person he should be paired with for life, if only... Maybe his body was just reacting too late. But that could be fixed, surely. Because the alternative was too disturbing to contemplate.
For a long, long time the pieces of the image had lain in his mind, scattered like a child's puzzle. But he knew that once he'd put it all together there would be no going back. He faced his secret shame for the very first time in his life because finally, there was no one around who could read the completed picture. The only other person he'd grown close to was Prez, and he was not only an alien, but a male. He thought of Prez and felt his stomach ache again, his heart pound with anxiety. It wasn't right, it couldn't be. He longed to know that he was natural, that it had only been cold feet at the Binding Ceremony, nothing more. For better or worse, the princess would show him what he really was, and then...
Prez was in his chair, munching on another packet of Skits. Lan sat down at his station, barely aware that beads of sweat were breaking out on his forehead. How would he get Kai out of the princess's quarters? He watched Prez lift another handful of the crunchy snacks into his mouth, and thought of a plan. Some sleeping herbs in her food, that would do the trick. He knew that Kai's food was carefully prepared by her own construct. If he could manage to substitute the herbs for one he knew she liked, he could...
"I wish you'd tell me what's wrong," Prez said, fanning himself. His hair was shorter at one side and spiked on top, streaked with copper and red. Bead bracelets snaked around his wrists and scraped against the console, no doubt the Kiz-Mah presents Glitch had been talking about at the dinner. "You've hardly spoken a word for almost the entire trip. I'm getting more chat from Flack, and he's a spider." He leaned forward and put his hand on Lan's bare arm. "Look, I've been around and done some stupid things myself. You won't shock me."
Lan snatched his arm away and pulled his sleeve down to his wrist. "I have not done stupid things." Not yet anyway.
He was suddenly so hot he felt as if his brain was boiling. He stood up and climbed down the access shaft, breathing heavily. The touch of the one true mate would leave a mark, he knew that at least. He almost cried with relief when he pulled his sleeve back up and saw no change in the purplish skin. But he felt the pressure building in his groin, more and more painful by the moment. He had to do something, and soon.
The herbs were in his quarters. He'd been taking them to help himself sleep without dreams, but the others had been dreaming his thoughts instead. He wanted to clutch at his head to stop his mind from spilling out everywhere but he knew it would be useless. Trying to cool himself, he made his way to the small room where the food supplies were held. One cupboard for the crew, one for Prez -- containing an insane amount of Skits, Lan was sure -- and one for the Belaari guests. It was locked.
He reached into the access panel and fiddled with the wires for a moment, then heard a click. The cupboard door swung open and he scanned the contents quickly. Packs of dried ingredients, a half-empty bag of hard-boiled sugars, a bottle of rehydration dust. Behind a jar of what looked like pickled worms swimming slowly in a green liquid, there was a shaker with some Belaari herbs inside. He added his own to the container, his heart pounding in his chest. Then he locked the door and sighed. At least if he failed to get past the guards, Kai would get a good night's sleep.
It would have to be that very night, while Prez worked the late shift and Lan was supposed to rest. How could he rest anyway, in this state? The Outcast was due to enter the Belaar system the next day, where they would run into the asteroid belt, which was notoriously hard to navigate. His presence would then be required on the bridge almost constantly until the asteroids had been cleared, so he was running out of time.
Sweating profusely, he went back to the bridge and sat in his seat again, his back rigid. He could not look at Prez. He knew that Prez was desperately uncomfortable with his continuing silence, and tried to think of something to say, but his mind was full of images that weren't his, and he could do little about it.
Prez was thinking about sex. Lan knew that because he could feel flashes in the back of his brain that felt...nice. He had never been sexually aroused before, but he was starting to get an idea of what it felt like just from Prez's mind. Then he saw clearly -- as if it was in front of him -- a dusky being with dark curly hair spilling down muscular shoulders and down past a naked chest, speaking words in an alien language, but Lan could understand their meaning from Prez's reaction. You are not alone.
Then another image... a gray sky blurred with tears and time, burning orange eyes, a feeling of complete helplessness and a sad voice. It'll wear off very soon.
Lan clutched at his head and closed his eyes, breathing deeply. Maybe if he distracted himself with some more reading... but then he realized Prez was thinking of males, not females. Thunderstruck, Lan looked at the captain properly for the first time since he'd left his bedside. His mouth was so dry all of a sudden, and he swallowed.
"I wonder...the punishment on your world for..." He paused and searched for the word, which was hard to find among the images rushing through his mind; his own fears and anxieties, Prez's random thoughts about sex, cool space ships, the spide
r on the console. "Sexual deviancy. I have been reading about the ancient ways on Andra. It is quite shocking."
Prez seemed glad of the opportunity to talk. "Punishment? Well, it depends on what you mean by deviancy. Rape, you mean, things like that? There wasn't anything set, but then you have to remember, I grew up on a compound. There weren't a lot of laws in there."
"I do not mean rape or things like that. I was referring to..." Lan could barely make himself utter the words. "Being with one of the same gender."
Prez choked on a mouthful of Skits and let out a laugh. "That? That's not deviancy," he said, chuckling. "At least, there's certainly no punishment. I heard there used to be these preachers in the early days, ones straight from the other planet. They'd go on about religion and things, but..." He seemed to consider his words, and became more serious. "Well, they just got kicked until they shut up. When you could be taken away and tortured at any minute, like get your organs removed or some mutant implanted in you or plague tumors grafted onto your back... or you could be bought by some rich Akilian as a pet or a slave, well...you took your pleasure where you could get it, know what I mean?"
For the first time, Lan was able to think about something other than his own situation. "What a terrible way to live," he said. "I had no idea."
Prez shrugged. "You haven't got around to reading about the ku-tah, then. Don't bother. It's a miserable history. They stopped the abductions when I was a kid, and the experiments when I was about twenty. Oh yes, they'd produced healthy enough Akilians like Doc, who could go around in society and pass themselves off. But no one wanted to breed with them, so they were no better off after all their efforts. Then there were the ones like me and the others, the failed experiments. Half-Akilian genetically, but none of the looks, so we were kept on the compounds for the plague experiments." His eyes took on a faraway look for a second. "And he couldn't find the cure."
Lan was silent for a moment. "He?"
"Who?"
"You said he could not find the cure."
"Oh," Prez said. "I meant they."
"So how did you get out? I thought the compounds were closed. There are not many of... your people... in space."
There was a silence. "I had help. The Akilians... they weren't all bad."
That hint of darkness again. Intrigued, Lan felt his mind ease a little and his temperature drop to something resembling normal. Having something else to think about was very helpful.
Prez shifted in his seat so he was facing Lan. "And what about you, what's your story?"
Lan looked away. "My story is uninteresting," he said. "I travel alone because I have no mate. I am forty years old, but on Aldor, I am considered as one who is just emerging from the stage you know as adolescence." His mouth worked for a second but no more sounds would emerge so he closed it again, feeling the sweat trickling down his back and soaking into his waistband. He wanted to keep on talking, but he couldn't. It was as if his disgrace was too big to put into mere words, and wouldn't fit into his mouth.
Prez sat back in his chair and crumpled up the empty Skits packet. "Do you know," he said, "that's the most you've ever spoken of yourself. You have to be the most secretive person I've ever met."
"Yes," Lan said. A sudden pain jolted through his groin. He leant forward, gasping. "I wonder if you would mind..." Then another pain left him speechless for a second. "I am feeling somewhat ill."
"Sure," Prez said. "Not much needs doing until we hit the asteroid belt anyway. What's wrong? Do you need anything?"
Lan looked at him and groaned. "I do not need anything," he said and fled from the bridge.
***
Prez watched Lan leave, baffled. Two weeks and -- apart from the Kiz-mah party -- barely a word, then a sudden burst of conversation, and now this. Illness? He had no idea. But Lan had been acting strangely ever since they'd set off, staying in his quarters and avoiding everyone as much as he could, and when he wasn't in bed he sat in his seat and read with his Tablet up over his face to discourage conversation, occasionally pausing to give Flack a tick.
The Outcast was moving into Belaari space at last. An automated request came from the outpost seeking details, so he sent the codes only the captain and co-pilot were privy to so that they would not be confronted by half of the Belaari Patrol Force before they even reached the asteroids. He was looking forward to navigating through the field; the journey had so far been uneventful, even boring. He longed for a challenge, something to occupy him. He was even more determined than ever to get a new, faster ship, and it was almost within his grasp. He thought about the Traveller again, and all the things she'd said. I have been to your world. The blue planet. You are not alone.
Perhaps with a faster ship, he could even go there. Go home.
A light flickered on the console, another message on his own personal channel. It was from Doc, and Prez smiled to himself as he read. RV u at B pt, Doc had written. Job on A pt start soon. Got M for F!. Sent by a commercial firm that specialized in long-distance communications and which charged by the letter, the message was brief. Doc never spent money unnecessarily.
"Hear that?" Prez said to the spider under his seat. "Doc's found a Malaihan! You'll be back to yourself in no time, and then you can pay me the gees you owe, you dog." He settled into his chair for the long night ahead. Flack scuttled across the console and up his arm, and Prez felt the tickle of spider legs on his scalp. He thought of Lan and sighed. Once Flack was back, he'd have to make some awkward decisions, depending on the size of the new ship he was going to get. But he could think about that another time. He clapped his hands with another mini-thrill at the thought of the new ship, and popped a packet of beans into the microheater. Something a bit more healthy for a change; he was getting tired of Skits.
Lan had left his Tablet on the console. Prez picked it up and frowned. It was in some scrawly language he'd never seen before. He hit translate and chose Common, and the title popped up. Melohar; a Lover's Gaze Explained. More interesting than Belaari jump gate technology at least. Curling up on his seat, he began to read.
***
That night, Lan sat in his quarters on the edge of the bed, taking slow, deliberate breaths and trying to calm his mind. He had fabricated a reason to talk to Kai at such a late hour -- something about a recurring problem with an access panel just outside the princess's room -- and buzzed her quarters. No response. Did it mean the herbs had worked? He tried again. Still no response. He had already rigged the computer logs to ignore his late night excursion out of his quarters and taken a repair kit from the engineering section in case he was caught lurking around the corridors. He buzzed Kai a final time and waited. Nothing.
The pressure in his groin was almost unbearable; the skin over his emerging genitalia was stretched hot and tight and starting to split. It hurt more than he'd ever imagined, and he wondered what other Aldorian men did to cope. He rubbed some InstaCalm over the swollen flesh and it took the edge off the pain, although the rubbing caused some other sensations to jolt up his spine, pleasurable ones that made him inhale sharply. Perhaps it would not be so bad after all. But then he was seized by a cramp that left him doubled up on the floor. Time was running out.
He was hot at the center of his body, but as he crept through the corridor toward the guest quarters, he forced his heart to slow and thought of Belaari jump gate technology, the elusive Malaihans, the freezing cold of the oceans around the northern continent of Aldor. Somehow, he managed to will his temperature down to the level of the internal atmospheric controller. As he rounded the corner, he felt his heart start to beat hard with mingled hope and dread. The guards were standing motionless where he expected them to be, outside the quarters of Kai and the princess. Their bodies were smooth white metal, their faces nothing more than electric light under a semi-organic blue skin. They had white helmets and powerful pincer hands that could snap a neck with no difficulty.
Clutching the repair kit in his hands, Lan moved slowly forward, ready to go past the c
onstructs to the faulty panel he and Glitch had worked on before. With each step, his heart beat louder until he was sure they would hear it. One foot in front of the other. They did not move. Closer and closer, until he was almost within touching distance. Still, they did not move.
Then the door to the princess's quarters swished open, and he almost jumped out of his skin. Fear and adrenaline forced his temperature down more. The guards remained motionless. The fault in the locking mechanism was an unbelievable stroke of luck; now he did not have to use his access code. And the guards did react to heat, not movement -- he'd been right. He was standing right in front of them and they did not detect his presence at all.
It was almost like...destiny.
There was a spicy scent wafting from the princess's quarters, and a curtain had been draped over the doorway inside. Strains of Belaari opera trickled out into the corridor, the soft lament of a spurned friend. It was now or never.
He stepped past the guards, and the door shut behind him.
A long, trembling breath eased from his lungs as he leaned back against the cool metal. The skin of his groin rubbed almost unbearably against the soft robes, and he bit back a moan of pain. No longer able to think clearly, he pushed the curtain to one side and looked ahead, terrified of what he would see.
The room was small and dimly lit. Loud snoring was coming from the adjoining quarters. Lan noticed a tray on the table, a clean plate, the shaker of herbs almost empty. Kai had obviously enjoyed her dinner. Then his eyes focused together on the figure ahead. The princess was sitting upright on the bed, veiled from head to toe in black material. As he stared at her, he felt his vision start to blur. Melohar. It was an intoxicating sensation; both a smell and a taste, a swimming in the mind, a slight darkening of the vision.