by Alex Douglas
And there'd been plenty of that. Prez couldn't wait to get to the asteroid belt. It was dense and dangerous, and at least four ships were lost in it every month. The radiation often knocked out the most sophisticated of AutoNav systems, and the gravitational pull from some of the bigger asteroids coupled with the debris from crashed ships -- which didn't always show up on scanners until it was too late -- made the crossing the most difficult part of the journey to Belaar. And they'd been forbidden to use a jump gate in case of damage to the cargo, although that seemed like one precaution too far. Still, flying through the asteroids was one of the best natural highs a pilot could get.
He felt slightly better after the shower. The kel-mah had gone back to sleep, he was pleased to note as he toweled his hair and styled it in the mirror. There was nothing like the stink of chemicals to knock a hard-on on the head. He laughed at the image and made his way back to the bridge. Kai was there, standing behind Lan, with one big hand resting on the back of Prez's empty chair. She had changed into her imperial robes; long swathes of purple silk and a conical hat perched high on her head. The asteroid belt swam ahead on the RealViewer, dense and daunting. Prez cracked his knuckles and sat down.
"Joining us, Kai?" he said, keeping his tone neutral.
"I will watch," she said.
"My pleasure," he said. He cleared his mind of annoyance at Kai's presence and flicked a switch at his head. Music began to play and he cranked it up. The adrenaline was starting to flow, and he rubbed his hands and maneuvered the ship into position at the usual coordinates.
"What is this noise?" Kai bellowed over the sound.
"This, my friend... is rock and roll." He glanced at Lan and grinned. "Let's do it!"
Chapter Eight
It was quite remarkable, Prez reflected afterwards, how easy the navigation had been with Lan there. Despite his co-pilot's previous bizarre behavior, he'd been professional and focused and hadn't missed a beat. It was almost as if there was some sort of telepathic link between them, how their hands moved over the controls in almost perfect synchronicity, how he hadn't needed to give any instructions on when to engage the different thrusters, or how to maximize the slingshot effect of the gravitational pull of the larger asteroids. When the Outcast had emerged into the inner ring of the belt where the asteroids were smaller and infrequent, Prez sat back and clicked off the music.
"Three hours and thirty five minutes," he said. "A new record, in fact."
Kai snorted. "Perhaps it would have gone quicker had we not been subjected to that halorah."
Screeching. Prez laughed. "The music helps me to concentrate."
"I would not define it as music," Kai said, baring her sharp teeth. "Nevertheless, this ship is more versatile than I would have imagined. The older AutoNav systems are superior to the new, in my opinion."
"I fully agree," Prez said. "But we didn't use ours. The radiation's too strong."
She stared at him, shocked. "Then how did you...?"
"My brain." He tapped his temple, laughing inwardly at the expression on her face. "Nature's AutoNav, right here. Call me old-fashioned, but it works."
Kai recovered her composure and gathered her robes around her thick body. "I assume now that you are free to discuss the cargo," she said.
Prez noticed Lan's skin changing from purple to a dark blue, and frowned. "Why? Is there a problem?"
"It is too early to tell for sure. But I believe the cargo has been... lahanhe."
The chip hummed for a second, but came up with no translation.
"I don't understand."
"Lahanhe," Kai said again, and there was an ominous look in her eye. "If this is the case, then there will be serious ramifications. Very... very serious."
A cold panic gripped his heart. Serious ramifications? What was she talking about? He tried to guess. "Injured? I'm sorry, I don't understand what lahanhe means."
Kai made an impatient noise. "Do I have to spell it out to you, ku-tah? Someone has passed the guards and folanhe the cargo."
The chip buzzed three words at the same time. Prepared, readied, infused. He stared at Kai, mystified.
"What Kai is saying," Lan said slowly, "is that someone has tampered with the cargo."
"What?"
"Meha!" Kai shouted. "Someone has laho no aar, suha la berah!"
Prez gripped the back of his chair, his head swimming. The chip felt as if it was overheating, and his brain throbbed suddenly with the effort of understanding. The words crystalized suddenly into a single sharp sentence, another Belaari euphemism. Surely not... Then he remembered what he'd read about melohar. Understanding began to dawn in his mind, but just as he opened his mouth to speak, Kai grabbed his crotch and squeezed hard with her powerful hands. "This!" she said. "Into the cargo!"
He dropped to the ground, faint with the sudden pain that radiated up into his stomach in sickening waves. He cradled his crushed testicles and tried to say something but all that came out was a long moan of agony, and he rested his forehead against the cool metal floor. Breathe.
Lan got down beside Prez and rubbed his back. "Perhaps we can discuss this later," he said to Kai. "When you are sure that someone has indeed... ground his pepper into the stew."
"You'd better hope that no one has done so," Kai said to Prez. "You were the only one not vaccinated. And he..." she pointed to Lan. "He is an adolescent and therefore incapable. If I am correct in my suspicions, then there will be no payment. And that is just the beginning of the trouble you will face when we arrive in Galahen." With a toss of her head, she descended the access shaft, and was gone.
Prez sat up. "I'm going to be sick."
Lan slid the box over they'd used to keep Flack in, and Prez hurled up his dinner pack and groaned again. Then he found himself cradled in Lan's strong arms. The pain and sickness started to fade, and he felt Lan's fingers stroking his hair softly and closed his eyes. It was nice to be held, and he relaxed for a moment. Then he shook himself and pushed Lan away. "What was Kai saying?" he said, hauling himself to his feet and frowning. "No payment? What sort of cargo is this? She said a suho, right? Is it someone very important?"
Lan sighed. "We are carrying the Belaari princess-in-exile," he said. "Kahalia. Were you unaware?"
"Mother of skies," Prez whispered and sat down in his chair, his face white. "Kai was right. I am aware of very little, it seems." He thought hard for a moment, and put his face in his hands. "And someone has ground his pepper into the stew. Oh boy. Well, you go and assemble the others. I'll program the AutoNav, and join you. This is..."
"Very serious," Lan murmured and looked away.
***
They met in the engineering section, where Vaxel was wrestling with the innards of the cleaning android, watched by an impassive Belaari construct. Glitch was sweating over the computer, making the door open and close and frowning. Kris had his feet up on the desk and was eating a bowl of dry-looking brown material that Lan could not identify.
He caught Lan's eye and grinned. "Instapoop," he said. "Keeps you regular. That's not what it's called, of course, it's roughage. Don't know about you, but I find space travel to be quite constipating."
Lan sat cross-legged on the floor, his satchel in his lap, trying to cover the treacherous thing that had got them all into this mess. And it was still not quite flaccid, that was the worst of it. He looked at his hands and felt like crying. The trousers were making life very difficult indeed.
"So," Prez said, pacing the room. "Apparently we're carrying the Belaari princess-in-exile to some giant celebration of ethnic purity. Did any of you know this?"
Kris paused, his spoon halfway to his mouth. "Princess?"
Prez sighed. "Yes. And Kai thinks that someone..." He looked around the assembled crew who were all gaping at him, all apart from Lan who stared at the floor. "Someone has ground his pepper into the stew."
Vaxel exploded into laughter. "Someone fucked the princess?" he said. "That's priceless."
"Speak in Common
," Prez snapped. "This is serious. If Kai's suspicions are correct, the princess is going to arrive in Galahen with half a loaf already baking. Kai's already juiced my apples just speculating about it. Who knows what she's going to do to me if it turns out to be true."
Glitch sat back in her seat. "Well I'm a female," she said, with a pointed look at Vaxel. "I'm off the list of suspects, surely."
"Not necessarily," Kris said. "But tell you what, that vaccine worked, on me at least. Haven't even felt like looking at porn, never mind exercising the captive."
"Me neither," Vaxel said. "Starting to worry if it's going to wear off. Anyway, those constructs react to heat, not movement. The cleaning android went past them and they didn't budge." He looked at the wires hanging out of its belly and sighed. "Then it broke again, of course. But what I mean is, there's no way any of us could've got in there without them catching us. It's not like we can lower our own body temperatures." He gave a scoffing laugh, as if the idea was ridiculous.
Lan's head hung lower as he listened to the conversation with a heavy heart. The burden of his secret was too much to bear. He would have to confess; he just couldn't find the words. Then he looked up, and saw Prez staring at him with a gleam in his eye.
"It was you, wasn't it?"
All eyes fell on him, and the room went cold.
"Lan!" Glitch exclaimed, shivering suddenly.
Kris choked on a mouthful of his roughage. "But I thought Aldorians had no cocks!"
"Kris!" Prez folded his arms and looked at Lan. "Well?"
Lan felt like melting into a puddle of despair and slipping off through the slats in the metal tiles. "You are correct," he said, staring at his hands. "I am ready for you to eject me into space, if that is your wish."
There was an excruciating pause.
Then the silence was broken by some snuffling and snorting. Lan looked up and was astonished by what he saw. They were all smirking into their fists, eyes bright. Then Prez clutched at his stomach and let out a roar of laughter, and the others followed suit. Vaxel and Kris slapped their hands together in the air and went on laughing, while Glitch collapsed forward onto her desk in a fit of shrieking giggles.
"I do not understand," Lan said. "You do not wish to punish me?"
"Man," Prez said, wiping tears from his eyes. "I should've known you'd got some action, after all that grinning and giggling. Of course we don't wish to eject you into space."
"This is a new high for the virtuous crew of the Outcast," Vaxel said when the laughter had died down. "Remember those males from the first Ralia trip? Boy, they were angry when they saw Flack beating his meat while they froze in their own spunk."
"Or do you remember that time Flack pupped those Azari twin bodyguards," Glitch said, chuckling. "And the Ambassador they were looking after ended up falling into a vat of detergent when he had to do the factory tour alone."
"And there was that other Ambassador that Flack pupped," Kris said. "And then her husband hired an assassin..."
"...and he pupped her too!" Glitch finished, and they all laughed again.
"Flack," Prez said, smiling and shaking his head nostalgically. "Yes, Lan, you could say that having uncontrollable sexual urges is part of the job description."
Through his relief at not being ejected into space, Lan felt a rush of shame. "I have never had... sexual urges... before."
"Never?" Vaxel said, eyes gleaming with interest. "So you've got a...? Or not?"
Prez sat down on the floor beside Lan. "Anyway, now we know, we can deal with it. If there's one thing we're good at on this ship, it's getting out of trouble. Forewarned is forearmed, that's an old saying from... somewhere. So we're sure of what Kai isn't yet, that gives us some time."
"To do what?" Lan said. "You will not be paid. And it will be my fault that you will not get the ship you dream of."
Prez clicked his fingers. "Vaxel, the contract."
"Yes, sir!" Vaxel winked at Lan and went out of the room.
"So what was it like?" Kris said. He'd finished eating and was looking at his personal Tablet. "Just reading here about suho, very interesting. And melohar? What's that?"
"A Lover's Gaze," Prez said. "You look at the suho and the aura causes you to see the face of the one you desire most in the universe."
"Who did you see, Lan?" Glitch said.
Lan felt himself shrivel with embarrassment. He looked at Prez, then back at the floor. His mouth was dry, his heart beating hard. Perhaps he should change the subject, but it would look too obvious. "You would not understand," he said eventually. "Aldorians have a different experience of love than most."
"That's not an answer," Kris said.
Prez put a hand on Lan's shoulder. "Don't worry about it," he said. "This lot are awful gossips. You don't have to tell us anything you don't want to." Just then, the door swished open and Vaxel reappeared carrying a hefty box full of papers. "Ah, the contract."
Vaxel set the box down and groaned. "Man, that's one big document. Did you actually read any of it?"
"Actually it's four documents," Prez said. "Because they hired us through the Andran agency, Andran contractual laws applied. It's in Andran and Common, as usual, but the Andrans insisted on Belaari and Akilian too since according to their laws, that's what we are."
"Well that's blue-brained," said Vaxel. "Since none of us can actually read Akilian."
"Never mind that," Prez said and sifted through the paper. "The Belaari contract is thinner than the other two. Common is no use, it's not a legally binding language anyway. No sir, this one..." he held up a bound sheaf of papers and kissed it, "this one is Andran. If I've learned anything about the Belaari over the years, it's that they're vague, like to speak in euphemisms, leave things to be inferred. Helps them weasel out of nasty things like payment all the time. And no one in their right mind reads an Andran contract unless they're trying to bore themselves to death. But the Andrans won't have left anything out, trust me. Now all we have to do is read the two and... spot the difference." He held out the Belaari contract to Lan and smiled. "Think you can manage some reading?"
For the first time since the whole story had come out, Lan felt happy. He stood up and took the papers from Prez. Their fingertips brushed, and his heart soared at the contact. "I can manage some reading," he said. "I will begin now."
Just as the doors swished open in front of him, he turned to face the crew. "In the interests of your anatomical education," he said and pulled open his robes and dropped his trousers. Then he fastened up his garments and left the room, whistling. Their shrieks of delighted laughter followed him all the way up to the bridge.
Chapter Nine
The Outcast was just rounding the outer moon of Belaar itself when Prez struck gold.
There had been nothing but an ominous silence from the princess's quarters. Kai had not been seen since the trip through the asteroid belt, and Prez was happy about that. His balls still ached slightly every time he thought of her. He sat in his seat on the bridge, rubbing his tired eyes, the contract piled up beside him. It was the most tedious document he had ever read, and he was almost looking forward to seeing Kai again, just to get away from Andran pedantry and their insistence on repeating the phrase Captain Prez
Lan was slumped in his seat, fast asleep. Prez watched the rise and fall of his co-pilot's chest for a moment, smiling faintly. Lan's robes were gaping again, his trousers tight around his crotch, ringlets of purplish hair spilling over the console. Prez stroked the curly strands behind Lan's ear and looked at the handsome face; the impassive mask was gone in the softness of sleep, revealing an almost childlike expression of innocence. Then he took his hand away with a sigh.
Something had changed. In Lan's behavior, or in his own imagination, something was different. He couldn't quite put his finger on what, but it felt like suddenly... he and Lan fitted.
But what if it was, indeed, all in his head, just some effect of cockpit fever? It was a
well-documented condition that caused all sorts of willful imaginings. He'd be humiliated if Lan were to look at him with that neutral expression and say something computer-like, such as you have misinterpreted the situation. And the Aldorians were all about the whole male-and-female nature thing, according to Doc. Sighing, he put the thought out of his head and checked the clock.
They had made good time and would arrive at the orbiting port early, where the princess would disembark and where they were scheduled to have a few days' break. The princess would then be ferried to Belaar's capital city on a secure transport and then the crew of the Outcast would enjoy their leisure time...if everything went according to plan. And he was excited, not just at the thought of the massive payment coming his way, but the chance to spend some more time with Lan, away from the cramped bridge.
He cast his eye over the console and rechecked the coordinates. Everything was working well. Glitch had sorted out the problem with the doors and even the cleaning android was functioning. It was almost as if the Outcast was trying to curry his favor, so as not to be abandoned in the junkyard. He looked around its familiar surfaces and found that he couldn't bear the idea of it being broken up and sold for scrap.
You have to let go. Garlo had told him that once, and he knew in his mind it was logical and true. It didn't make it any easier. He ran his palm over the metal wall of the bridge, listened to the hum of the engines as they fired up to change the course. Destination: the docking bay. They would be there in less than an hour.
He heard the sound of someone climbing the access shaft and glanced round to see a large purple headpiece bobbing up onto the bridge. Gritting his teeth, he stood up and nudged Lan awake. Kai had arrived.
She glared at him. "It is as I suspected," she said. "The cargo has been lahanhe."
"That's unfortunate," Prez said.