"Och, Amber, lass, you're with me and Yan's with Irene.” Rupert put his hand on my shoulder and my mouth went dry as Irene, preening and primping, led Yan to the right.
I couldn't believe this was happening to me. Rupert's veneered smile appeared under his moustache and I tried not to flinch. The Goth couple were staring at me and Mrs. Appleton had a quizzical expression on her face. I was totally trapped.
Rupert squeezed my shoulder, “First, I need you to place your hand just above me crotch. Not touching, mind. Just hovering before ye ... move in for the trunk if you see what I mean."
I gulped, trying not to let the terror and disgust show on my face. But there was nothing for it.
I began to inch my hand slowly downwards as I clenched my jaw and tried to think of Harvey, of England, of anything. My hand got slowly closer and Rupert's smile got wider.
"Now, move straight to the trunk, lassy.” Rupert's tone was commanding, but I could hear the hint of anticipation.
Just as I felt I was going to throw up, the phonic peal of my mobile phone echoed round the room. Thank you, God, thank you, God, thank you, God, I breathed and snatched my hand away.
"So sorry, Rupert.” I scampered to my bag at the back of the class, the colour slowly returning to my face.
"Hello, Amber, here.” I grabbed my bag and dashed out of the room.
"Good morning, this is Officer Brent from Camden Police Department, I'm investigating the murder of a John Thornton. This is one of the numbers his wife called on the night of the murder. I was wondering if you could volunteer some information about your conversation to help us with our investigation."
Oh God. A shiver of guilt prickled the hairs on my arms. It had been the same Bridget who had called earlier in the week.
I swallowed and tried to say brightly, “One of my callers? Of course officer, do you want me to come down to the station?"
"If you wouldn't mind. Is everything alright there? It sounds like someone else is being murdered."
There were shouts coming from the studio. I opened the door a crack and gawped in horror at the sight of Irene making a terrible parody of Lady Godiva as she straddled Yan's broad back. She was smacking his bottom while Yan was letting out a series of unmanly yelps. He was attempting to do a press-up but his face was puce with the pressure, the muscles in his arms bulging and straining against the weight.
"Hup-hup Yan,” Irene coaxed and Yan's face contorted.
I watched with a sick fascination, unable to quite believe what I was seeing. She's going to break his back, I thought, as he yelled in pain again.
"Hello? Are you still there?"
I shut the door quickly.
"Yes, officer, everything's fine. It's just ... I'm at ... an exercise class.” I finished lamely.
When I got back into the studio, I tried to slip in unnoticed to the back of the class. Everyone was watching Rupert and Irene at the front again. This time Rupert was standing behind her with his hands clasped tightly under her huge bosom. He was swaying his bony hips in time to the twangs of the yoga music.
"This is what's known as ... Oooo” Irene's voice rose an octave as Rupert tightened his grip and almost jerked her off her feet, “The ... hymen mover.” She steadied herself before swaying with him to the music.
"Rupert converted this from a first aid course we once did. Note the exact placing of the grip...” she patted Rupert's clasped hands, “and the jerks must be strong and unexpected, the idea is to take your partner by surprise."
Mrs. Appleton raised a mottled hand.
"Yes, dearie?” asked Rupert, still swaying to the music.
"A bit like when you have the hiccups?” asked Mrs. Appleton, looking sideways at Yan, whose ordeal with Irene seemed to have left his diaphragm in spasm. Poor Yan looked like he might have to do another demonstration.
I took a deep breath and tried to smooth my expression into a smile as I approached the swaying Lycra clad couple.
I quickly explained to Irene that the police urgently needed me regarding a murder case, and this time I didn't have to lie.
She clasped my hand and puffed, “Oh that is a shame. I was hoping ... you would partner ... OOOOO, Wriggles! Just wait a moment, will you!” Irene regained her balance after being jerked off the floor again and jabbed Rupert sharply in the chest so he staggered back a little.
"Sorry, Amber, he does get a little carried away with this one. So does that mean you can't stay and partner Rupert for the ‘flying phoenix'?"
Rupert flashed his teeth in my direction, and began to dance towards me, his green Lycra hips swaying faster as the music reached a crescendo. Oh god. Why did he have to be wearing lycra? It was hugely obvious that his smile was not the only thing that had grown.
I shook my head vigorously and backed away. “They need me straight away. It's a matter of life and death, I'm afraid."
"Gosh, we better let you get off then dear,” Irene said. “Trish explained about your police work on Saturdays. There'll be other opportunities, though, for you to join our classes. See you again, I hope."
As I slid my mat on top of the pile in the corner and hurried down the stairs, my stomach tightened and my mouth went dry. Had I really driven Bridget to murder? Would I be an accomplice? There was only one way to find out, so I headed down to the police station.
[Back to Table of Contents]
Chapter Seven
The Pig ‘n Whistle
By the end of the day, I felt like drinking the pub dry. Tanya and I got to the Pig ‘n Whistle first and it was already seething. The smell of meat pies, sweet smoke, and beer hit us as we swung open the stained glass doors into the old pub. Tanya was all legs and cleavage as she strode up to the bar, which attracted the usual eye-popping stares. I got a few looks too, which I thought was good. I spotted a group leaving a booth and told Tanya to get in the first round while I grabbed a pew. I couldn't help glancing to the door each time it swung open to see if it was Harvey. I was really craving him that night. I knew that the sparks of desire would soon chase away my worries if he was sitting next to me.
"They'll ‘ave you for whatever they can girl, you can't fart in this country without ‘em fining you so you better cover your butt or you'll be a jailbird.” Tanya clanked the Bacardi Breezers down on the table. “Shuffle up, then."
Tanya squeezed into the bench seat, her denim mini riding high on her long legs and her cleavage flashing over the sparkly red motif ‘saucy’ splattered on her white top.
"But they said I've done nothing illegal, I just might be called for witness, that's all, thank God.” I took a swig of my drink as I slid up the bench seat. I was still feeling guilty about the whole thing. “It was awful though, Tan, I mean, I keep thinking, did I really make her flip out? Police said she gutted him like a fish with her Kitchen Devil."
"No way. They probably just said that to make you talk. Did they play good cop, bad cop with you? Always fancied a man in uniform m'self. Oooo, just think, you might get to go on the witness protection program, get a new life and everything."
I frowned “It's serious, Tan, she murdered her husband, and maybe I pushed her hand to do it."
Tanya rolled her hazel eyes like marbles and slapped me on the back, almost making me choke on my Bacardi. “Lighten up, girl, if someone told you to microwave your trainers would you do it? Course not, ‘cos you're not bonkers. You're just looking for an excuse to back out of our dare, ain't ya."
"What? When I'm well on my way to being a fully-fledged witch? Course not! But if I turn all my clients into murderers, it'll be a short career—they'll only be able to phone me once from jail."
Tanya threw back her head and laughed her deep throaty chuckle.
I forced myself to laugh with her as she waved away my concerns, but the crunched up feeling in my stomach remained. I glanced nervously at the door again. There was obviously not much point talking to Tanya about it, so I decided to try and forget it by drinking a lot instead. I took a long draught of my
Bacardi Breezer.
"You look cute in black, by the way, think it'll make Harvey horny, eh, girl?” She nudged me again just as I was taking another sip, making my teeth clink on the glass.
"If he's not too busy looking down your top, that is. So how's your Titus then? Still practicing his golf swing on the dance floor?"
"Shat up, you. He's paradise he is.” sighed Tanya, smiling dreamily. “He's comin’ to stay next weekend and ... Hey, here's Monique. Monique!” Tanya yelled.
Our friend, Monique, squeezed through the growing throng of people, dressed in a creamy, angora, polar neck and designer jeans tailored to her petite frame. Tanya squealed, jumped up, and half crushed her in a bear hug. Monique gasped and batted Tanya on the back with her Gucci bag until she was released.
"Well?” asked Monique breathlessly, flicking her layered hair.
"Wow. I told you blonde would suit you didn't I?” I moved up for her to sit next to me and I put an arm around her shoulder to give her a hug. She felt skeletal under my arm. “Don't go losing any more weight though, or there'll be nothing left of you.” I tutted at her.
"Absolute balls, Amber,” she retorted in her trademark posh accent. “You can never be too thin or too blonde darling. Clients adore it. Blondism is alive and kicking the arse off our competition, thank God. You both look gorgeous as ever too, love those long boots, very kinky.” I tried to wriggle my cramped toes, thinking how tight my boots felt, even if they looked good. “So who's coming tonight?” She clapped her hands down on the table.
"Well,” said Tanya, “my Greek god's up in Chester until next weekend, but we've got Hunky Harvey for Amber here, his mate Jules from his office who we ain't met yet, and Stuart Hill, ‘member him? He's the one whose Dad tried to snog me in the student union club that night. Stuart's working in a music store in town now."
"Good God! Didn't he used to play the euphonium in the orchestra? Beetroot face and red hair?” Monique clapped her hand over her mouth.
"That's ‘im. He's bringing me some CDs, pirated mind, but who cares s'long as the quality's good. Now let's get you something alcofrolic, eh, girl?"
Tanya made her way to the bar and Monique prattled on to me about her latest sales coupe and her new apartment. Despite her petite frame, she was like a demolition ball when it came to making an impression in the property development industry. Her focus was nothing new though. Whilst Tanya temped and my career u-turned, Monique knew exactly what she wanted and flew at it like a dart.
Out of the three of us, Monique was without a doubt the most successful. Her pie charts for food budgets and cleaning rosters in our shared house at Uni had alerted me to her leadership qualities long ago, so I was hardly surprised by her sprint up the corporate ladder. Luckily, money hadn't made a monster of her. She was still the same old Monique who had persuaded the gasman to misread the meter and strutted her stuff on the bar at the student union. Except now she negotiated with fat cats and strutted her stuff down high-rise corridors instead.
"Uuh, thar's Harvey now.” Monique pointed to the door, and my stomach swooped as I recognized his face searching for us. “And who's that gorgeous animal he's with? Looks like a Viking. Yum-yums, I could eat him right up."
"That must be Jules I think,” I said, taking my eyes off Harvey briefly to check out the stranger by his side.
He was good looking certainly, in a boyish sort of way with his floppy blond hair and even features, but he was too short and stocky for me. Besides, I only had eyes for my Harvey. I stood up and waved frantically in their direction.
Soon we were all squashed in the booth. Unfortunately, I had to sit next to Jules while Harvey went and got more drinks. Not what I'd planned at all. Jules was one of those blokes who was all mouth and trousers, sexual innuendo slipped into every sentence, and his clinging eye contact gave me the creeps. Surprisingly he'd honed in on me instead of Tanya or Monique. I tried to pop his pumped up ego, but it was no use. It seemed he wouldn't be deflated, or deflected for that matter.
"I s'pose Harvey told you I've been brought in as a sort of guru figure to get the creative juices flowing, if you know what I mean.” Jules leaned closer to me as he spoke.
"Really?” I drew back as far as I could. “Harvey told me you were a tester in the novelty department, market research on new products,” I said loudly enough for Monique to hear. She was resting her chin on her hand and gazing at Jules lustfully. How could she fancy someone like that?
"That's just what they've told the team, not to make them feel too overwhelmed. You know it's pretty intimidating when someone like me joins a group like Harvey's. The girlies are great though, must be my magnetic personality, especially Sonya, don't know if Harvey has mentioned her..."
Harvey returned holding a tray of drinks and watched me and Jules with a sort of wry smile.
"Indispensable already, eh?” I cut him off. “I'm sure Harvey's delighted to have you on board, aren't you, Harvey?"
I willed Harvey to see the plea in my eyes but he put down the tray, slopping the drinks a little and looked at Jules instead. “Yes, he's making quite an impression, aren't you, Jules?"
I tried to kick him under the table to signal that I needed rescuing. Unfortunately I kicked Monique instead.
"Ow, Amber, are those boots of yours steel tipped?"
"Let's have a look."
Much to my horror, Jules disappeared under the table and squeezed my foot. I trod on his hand and looked wildly to Tanya for help. Tanya was too busy chatting to Stuart who had just arrived in his bike leathers. She snorted with laughter as he handed her some CDs.
Jules reappeared with his blond hair ruffled, flushed and smiling. “Not steel tipped, but very edgy, I like a girl with boots. Do you have the whip as well?"
Harvey coughed. Jules had now put his arm along the back of the chair behind my back. Who did this bloke think he was? Couldn't he see that I wasn't interested?
"Sorry, Jules, your magnetic personality's repelling me, d'you mind if I catch up with Harvey? Swap Monique, now,” I said through gritted teeth.
Jules raised his eyebrows in surprise, then he gave a wolfish grin. “Hard to get eh ... I like it."
I gave him a filthy stare and trod on his foot as I squeezed past him. Monique jumped into my place, immediately launching into a personal sales pitch that left Jules blinking.
"Come here, you.” Harvey put his arm round me and pulled me close. I got gooseflesh on my neck as he whispered, “Sorry about Jules.” His lips brushed my hair and his breath was warm on my ear. “He's a prat of the first order. Thought you fancied him for a moment, though."
He'd taken off his glasses and I looked into his eyes and licked my lips. “Not him. No.” I let my knee gently knock against his leg under the table.
Harvey raised his glass. “To colleagues from hell, may they go back to where they came from. Cheers, Jules."
Jules was now too engrossed in admiring the top half of Monique's cream jumper to hear.
"So what's this Tanya tells me about Tantric sex and the police?” Harvey asked with a frown.
I gave an animated description of my perilous descent into the Tantric and began to describe Super-Sprout and leering Rupert. At one point I took his glasses off the table and propped them on the end of my nose, imitating Mrs. Appleton's quavering voice as I put my head on one side with a quizzical expression. “Excuse me, Rupert, but I'm not quite sure how the ‘elephant posture’ is good for arthritis. On the contrary, I would think it might have the potential to make one rather stiff."
Harvey roared with laughter.
The rest of the evening passed in a whirl of drinks, washed down with plenty of anecdotes and a slightly heated debate about whether women or men made better bosses. Jules, of course, had to butt into our conversation, saying that he was all in favour of women bosses, ‘cos he simply loved girls on top. Urgh. Luckily though, he didn't stop me and Harvey from having a good chat. When the subject turned to work, I was fascinated to hear about the new
vacuum device he was inventing. He explained that it could be preprogrammed and run by remote control.
"You'll put cleaners out of business, Harvey. Seriously though, I wouldn't mind testing one of those, as long as it doesn't suck up Pudding,” I told him and he promised to drop one by some time.
Stuart, after giving Tanya the pirated CDs, had left pretty quickly to go to his girlfriend's, and, by the end of the night, Tanya was busy reveling in the attention of a group of army blokes instead. Monique was still drooling over Jules, which left me free to make my move on Harvey.
"Go on girl, make your move. He's putty he is.” Tanya had urged earlier in the toilets as she swiped my lip gloss and made pouting faces in the mirror. I stood swaying next to her, trying to add a little colour to my rather pale face by dabbing it with powder.
I guess it was the alcohol that made me brave enough to do it. Since then I'd glugged two drinks in quick succession to drown my inhibitions and decided it was now or never.
I put my hand on his knee, and let it rest there. I looked him straight in the eye. “Harvey, I've gotta tell you something."
His eyebrow quirked up. “Oh?"
I leaned closer. “I, I really—” A gut wrenching pain and a bitter taste in my mouth forced me to admit something different, “am going to be sick,” I spluttered, covering my mouth as his eyes widened in alarm.
I legged it to the loo just in time to loose my quiche and salad in the sink so violently that there was lettuce leaf hanging from the mirror when I looked up. I blinked at my blurry reflection through watery eyes in disgust, wishing the sink had swallowed both of us up.
How romantic was that? I couldn't face him after that. With a few frantic gestures, I persuaded Tanya to slip out the back with me after saying goodbye to her mob of admirers. When I finally got home, it seemed to take forever to yank off my boots. I forced myself to drink a pint of water and crawled into my bed fully clothed. I must have fallen into post-drinking coma state immediately.
Suddenly Psychic Page 5