by Melissa Hill
“But?” Olivia waited patiently for her to continue.
Leah grimaced. “At Amanda’s tonight, I don’t think it was just the comments that bothered me.”
“Go on.”
“I mean, the talk about how motherhood ‘completes’ you drives me up the wall of course. But then, there’s the normal day-to-day pregnancy stuff that Kate is excited about, and I can’t join in. I feel like such an idiot when I try to, because obviously I haven’t a clue what I’m talking about and then …” She paused and looked directly at Olivia. “I suppose it might be getting to me a little now that I won’t be able to join in – ever.”
Olivia reached for her hand and squeezed it. “I thought it might be that. I did wonder actually, but I didn’t want to say anything. You’ve always been so decisive about it
that –”
“I’m … I think I’m a little jealous, actually,” Leah blurted. There, she had finally admitted it. She saw Olivia give her an encouraging smile. “I never thought I’d say that, I swore that it wouldn’t matter. After all, I’ve made my decision, my business is my baby as such, and I have other fish to fry. So, it didn’t matter – not at the time – but now, when it seems that I’m the only one of the old gang not settling down and having babies, I’m not so sure. I think that’s what made me so tetchy tonight. I’m feeling left out.”
“Look, I can completely understand that. You were bound to feel that way at some stage and now, with Kate, one of your closest friends, going through pregnancy and your being forced into a roomful of happily pregnant women tonight, it’s inevitable that you’d question things. But having doubts about your own decisions doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re wrong. You had to make some tough choices, Leah, and it’s only natural that sometimes you’d question them. I’m sure Josh, in his quiet moments – if he has them, that is – would possibly question them too.”
“It’s a little too late for that now though, isn’t it?” Leah said sadly.
Olivia squeezed her hand again. “I suppose it is.”
19
Despite her friend’s protestations that the decision never to have children didn’t bother her, Olivia had always wondered about that. She had always wondered if some day the time might come when Leah would regret her decision, and regret the fact that she had to choose between losing the man she loved with all her heart, or becoming a mother sometime in the future.
She remembered how, when Josh and Leah started going out first; Josh had blown them all away by his gorgeousness and the fact that he seemed almost too good to be true. They all got on like a house on fire and he obviously adored Leah. Yet, only a few months into their almost fairytale relationship, Josh had dropped a bombshell that shocked Leah to the core.
Leah hadn’t been in a serious relationship for some time, so it wasn’t as if the subject was foremost in her mind, but one evening Josh took her out to dinner and told her that he loved her very much, that he could easily see himself spending the rest of his life with her, but that he didn’t – couldn’t – ever see himself wanting children.
Leah had laughed at the time, thinking he was joking, wondering why on earth he had even begun such a stupid conversation. She’d recited it word for word to Olivia afterwards.
“I’ve had some problems in other relationships with this,” he’d said. “And I just wanted to come clean and let you know exactly how I feel about it before we go any further.”
Then, by his face, Leah had known that this was no joke: Josh was deadly serious. His face was solemn, his clear blue eyes thoughtful, as he tried to explain his feelings.
“It’s something I’ve known for a long time – something I’ve always known, actually. I like babies and kids and I love my nephews and my little niece, but I also know for certain that I don’t want a child of my own.”
“But how can you possibly make a decision like that at this stage? You never know, you might feel differently in a few years’ time.”
Josh shook his head. “I’m not getting at you in particular, but why do people always assume that you don’t know your own feelings about something like this – that you might change your mind? From as young as seventeen we’re all expected to make decisions as to what university we’ll go to, or what career we’d like. If you can be trusted to make a life-affecting decision like that at such a young age, then why not this?”
“Yes, but that’s completely different, you could easily change your mind and –”
“Leah, I won’t,” Josh took her hand and looked deep into her eyes. “I’ve had many conversation like this with various women over the last few years.” He smiled when Leah raised an eyebrow. “I know how that sounds too. But this is the reason why. I care about you a lot, I think we could have a future here, and I think it’s only fair that you should know everything about me, so that you can make an informed decision.”
“Decision?”
“Yes. Because if you keep going out with me, thinking that my feelings will change, then you’ll be kidding yourself from the word go, and there’s little point in our going any further with this. I won’t change my mind, believe me.”
Leah breathed deeply. “Wow, this is a strange conversation, I must say, but look, Josh, it isn’t a massive thing for me either, to be honest. But I don’t think I could tell you here and now that I never want children, because I really don’t know.”
“But I do, Leah, that’s the thing – I do.”
“You’re really serious, aren’t you?” she asked. “But why?”
He shrugged. “I don’t really think there is a reason as such. Cowardice could be one of them. Another is the fact that I enjoy my life and I enjoy my lifestyle. I’ve never had any great desire to repopulate the universe. I don’t buy into the fact that’s it something we all ‘have to do’.”
“And what about your parents – your own upbringing?” Josh’s dad had worked hard at building up his business and as a result he now owned one of the most successful DIY chains in the country. Leah knew that the two didn’t exactly see eye to eye at the best of times, but still that didn’t really give Josh enough justification to never want a child of his own.
“OK I hate this psychology stuff, and I suppose if you think deeply enough about it, you could say that all of this stems from my background. You know I’m adopted, and that me and my adoptive dad don’t have a terrific relationship. But, Leah, I honestly don’t think that’s it, I don’t think that I’m trying not to repeat the ‘sins of the fathers’ or anything else like that. I’m just making a lifestyle choice, in the same way that some people become vegetarian. Surely I’m entitled to do that without having to justify it?”
“Well, I don’t know if it’s quite the same as vegetarianism,” Leah said with a grin, “but I suppose you are entitled to make your own choices.”
“Exactly.”
Josh said nothing more for a moment and Leah thought about what he had said earlier.
“So, some of your previous relationships haven’t gone well as a result of this?” she asked.
Josh gave a wry smile. “That’s putting it mildly. My last girlfriend, Sharon, knew about my feelings on this right from the beginning. It would be unfair otherwise. So, she accepted it from the outset but I suppose, like yourself, she thought that maybe over time I’d change my mind.” His eyes fixed on Leah’s. “But I didn’t, and I haven’t, and I can’t see myself changing my mind – not over time, not now, not ever. I’m certain of that.”
“I see.”
“So what I’m asking you to do is go away for a while and think about it. Think seriously about whether or not it is enough for you just to have me in your life, or whether you want something more.”
“That’s not an easy decision to make, Josh. I mean, I don’t know where we’re going. I care about you a lot too, but we haven’t been together all that long and …” She trailed off.
“I know that, too. But I’m mad about you, Leah, more than I’ve been about anyone in a long,
long, time. We have a great laugh together, we like the same things, you’re strong, independent, you know your own mind, you don’t take rubbish from anyone …”
She laughed. “Glad you realise it!”
Josh reached for her hand across the table. “Seriously though, this is important. If I had some sort of medical problem or something like that I would have to tell you straight away. This isn’t a medical problem – as far as I’m concerned it isn’t a problem at all – but it is something that will affect you and your future. If you’re the kind of person that can live with that, well and good, but if you find you can’t, well … I wouldn’t like to hold you back.”
“So what happened, the last time, with that girl Sharon? Did she try and change your mind?”
“Not exactly. For the most part she accepted it and we were fine for a long time. Towards the end though, occasionally I would spot her looking lovingly at a cute child in the street, or she’d been watching some sentimental TV show about childless couples or something and then I could almost read what was going through her mind. We were together nearly three years when she decided she couldn’t take it any more. It was as though she hadn’t really thought about it when we got together first – after all we were very young, but then when one of her friends had a baby and she realised she couldn’t ever have one of her own –”
“She realised she couldn’t make that sacrifice,” Leah finished. Josh nodded and she took a drink from her glass. “At the moment, I couldn’t tell you that what you’ve said bothers me one way or the other. I care about you a lot too. I really enjoy our time together, and I could also see us enjoying the same things, and having a good life if we did stay together. But I suppose it is easy to say that now.”
“So you’ll have a think about it then?” he asked. “A good think about it too – don’t be afraid to get another point of view or discuss it with your friends or anything like that. Don’t worry about breaking my confidence, Leah, because as far as I’m concerned I’ve nothing to hide, and I stand by my decision.”
She nodded. “OK, thanks for being honest with me. And I promise that if I choose to go along with your decision, I’ll be faithful to it, Josh. I won’t change my mind. If I decide to respect your choice never to have children and still stay with you knowing what I know, then it’ll be my choice too.”
But, looking at Leah now, sitting on the couch, confused and upset after having yet again to justify that choice to others, Olivia wondered if those words still held true.
20
The following Friday evening was hot and sticky and Robin cursed the fact that the air-conditioning unit really picked its moments to give up and stop working. She wasn’t long home from work, the heat was putting her in bad form and she debated whether to make dinner or just phone Luigi’s for a pizza. There was little point in cooking for herself when yet again Ben was working a late night. Last week and the week before, if he wasn’t working late in the evenings, he was spending extra time at the office doing the American equivalent of a ‘nixer’ in the office.
Robin thought he was taking a chance doing this, as the management of Grafix Solutions would not be impressed to learn that a senior staff member was using company equipment and resources outside of normal working hours. But Ben was determined to complete whatever project he was working on, irrespective of Robin’s warnings, or indeed complaints. They had been a bit cagey around one another since ‘that’ conversation, and Robin knew that Ben still couldn’t understand why she was so determined not to take the chance on ever having a child.
Since then, things had been a bit tense, and Ben had said nothing more about looking for another house. The one they’d gone to see in Bronxville had been snapped up before they’d even had a chance to bid on it. Lately, he was being decidedly cool with her and as he was normally so happy and carefree, Robin didn’t know what to make of it.
To make it worse, they’d visited Sarah and Kirsty in New Jersey the previous weekend and while Robin was playing with Kirsty in the living-room and telling her silly made-up stories, she overheard Sarah commenting to Ben in the other room about what a wonderful mother Robin would make. Ben had said nothing and quickly changed the subject.
Her head snapped up as she heard the telephone ringing. It had to be Ben, on his way home and asking if she wanted him to bring anything for dinner. Robin raced to answer it. Great, at least she wouldn’t have to cook tonight. It had been a busy day at work and she really wasn’t in the mood.
But the caller wasn’t Ben.
“Hi, stranger!” Leah’s sunny tones almost bounced out of the receiver. “How are you?”
“Leah – hi! Good to hear from you. What time is it over there?” A pointless question, Robin knew, but one she instinctively asked, just so she could picture Leah’s surroundings and get an idea of what she might be doing.
“About eleven – Josh is out, and I’m here on the couch, stuffing my face with Pringles and watching a Sex and the City rerun, so obviously I thought of you and how I haven’t been talking to you in about …oh, I’d say it’s nearly two months now. Did you get my message from before?”
Robin felt guilty. She did get Leah’s message – weeks ago – but in truth had completely forgotten to call her back. “I’m sorry, Leah – things have been manic.”
“I can only imagine,” Leah said dryly. “All the shopping, and the movies, and the theatre and all that …”
“Hey, it’s not quite like it is on the TV shows, you know!” Robin laughed, “We do actually do the odd day’s work here too.”
“Don’t ruin all the glamour for me!” Leah scolded. “But seriously, how are things? You and that fine Irishman still going strong? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, Robin Matthews – I really don’t know how you manage it. Probably the only decent single man left in the country and you have to nab him.”
“Ah, he wasn’t in the country at the time, Leah!”
“I know, but it wasn’t fair that we couldn’t at least have had a crack at him first!” She laughed. “No, seriously, how is he?”
“He’s great – working late a lot these days, though.”
“Working late in that sense? That doesn’t sound like Ben.”
“No, working late in the actual sense,” Robin said, feeling a bit foolish for mentioning it and allowing Leah to plant a previously un-thought-of idea into her brain. Not that Leah would be malicious, but now that Robin thought of it, what else would her friend say to something like that? There wasn’t a chance that Ben would … was there? Robin shook her head, and resolved not to think about it.
“So how’s everything with you?” she asked Leah, changing the subject.
“Great, we’re all fine. Did you get those photos I sent you of Andrew’s wedding, by the way?”
“Yes, Amanda looked amazing.” Typically, Amanda looked every inch the radiant bride on the day and she and Andrew looked very happy together. Robin had been invited to the ceremony but she couldn’t get the time off work. At least, that was her excuse. The truth was she just didn’t feel right about it. She just wasn’t ready to face them all again. “You looked stunning too – and I loved Olivia’s red dress.”
“Yeah, she’s looking great, isn’t she?”
“So are you,” she replied. “And Josh is still as gorgeous as ever. How are things going with you two?”
“Fine.”
Immediately, Robin sensed a slight hesitation in her voice. She knew, of course, about Josh’s reticence to have children, and wondered if Leah was having second thoughts. Her friend had always insisted that she’d love a family, but then had settled for having the man of her dreams instead.
Weird, Robin thought, that she was going through a similar situation at the moment, although in her case she was being the reticent one. Despite his lack of paternal feelings, Josh seemed lovely and she hoped he and Leah were OK. It would be a shame if Josh’s situation upset it all for them.
But when Leah explained all about
Andrew’s involvement in her business, and that lately Josh seemed a bit put out about that, and the fact that she would have to work around the clock to get the store open, Robin realised she’d been wrong.
“So, do you lot see one another much these days, what with Kate being pregnant and Olivia busy with her little girl …” she trailed off, wondering if the others were still as close as they had been all throughout college.
She was no longer part of the ‘gang’, no longer a paid-up member of the close-knit group that existed all throughout uni and afterwards. Leah kept her updated, but to be perfectly honest, Robin now felt very much detached from them all. They were once as close as a group of friends could be, but now, over time, distance and circumstance, the once-formidable strength of the friendship had been broken.
“Oh, I can’t believe I almost forgot to tell you!” Leah cried, and Robin could almost picture her large dark eyes widening in anticipation.
“What? Tell me!”
“You won’t believe it, but Amanda is pregnant too! I can’t believe I didn’t think of it when we talked about the wedding earlier and –”
“I don’t believe it! Is she thrilled?” Robin knew without any doubt that Amanda would be.
“Well, of course, she is,” Leah replied. “Sure, won’t all the attention be on her now for the next few months or so, and you know our Amanda – she’ll only be too happy to lap it up.” She giggled. “You should see her, Robin – she’s so funny. Barely a few months gone and she’s walking around, supporting her back and waddling away like she’s carrying a sack of potatoes. I’m telling you, she’ll milk this for all it’s worth.”
“Oh, Leah, stop!” Robin burst out laughing, recalling how little patience Leah had for Amanda’s theatrics. She could imagine Amanda doing just that, not to mention bending the ear off everyone she knew about how ‘dreadfully wearying’ it was being pregnant.
Despite her airs and graces, or even more so because of them, Amanda’s antics could be hilarious. Robin could be much more gracious about how Amanda had treated her in college, now that she was thousands of miles away and it was unlikely she would have much to do with her any time soon.