by Melissa Hill
“Typical – and just when I said he was doing so well …” Leah trailed off as another pair of feet came into the picture – female feet. With her pretty painted toenails and diamond and silver sandals, the woman must have been a guest at the party.
“Nice shoes,” Leah noted, and Olivia had to agree. Whoever the woman was, Josh seemed to know her, and the camera remained pointed at the ground.
“Great, while he’s having a chat, the tape was still running. No wonder it ran out so quickly. Trust bloody Josh to make a bags of the video – again. I wonder who he’s talking to?” She picked up the remote and hit the volume control.
Josh’s voice could clearly be heard. “… didn’t know you lived around here now.”
Then the girl’s voice: “Didn’t know you were a cameraman in your spare time either.”
A flirtatious giggle … a male laugh … and instantly Olivia felt Leah tense.
Right away she knew that something was wrong here. “Here, give me the remote,” she said quickly. “We should fast-forward through this, we can’t really see anything and – ”
“Leave it.” The words sounded like bullets.
“Leah, you shouldn’t –”
“I said leave it.”
Her heart pounding, Olivia sat back and waited for what was to come. For Leah’s sake, she hoped it wasn’t anything to worry about.
Josh’s voice. “So how have you been?”
“Great and you?” Chirpily.
“OK.”
“So, what’s going on in there?”
Warily. “It’s my girlfriend’s launch night – she’s inside.”
A smile in her voice. “I see.” The feet turned and pointed towards the store, and Olivia deduced she was trying to get a peek inside. “So you two are still together then.”
“Yes, look, Sharon …”
“Sharon?” Leah repeated, almost to herself.
“You know her?” Olivia asked vaguely relieved. At least it was someone they both knew and not just some –
“Yes, I know her,” Leah answered flatly.
“Well – ” Olivia stopped short, as Josh’s voice again came all-too-clearly through the TV speakers.
“ … just one night. I didn’t mean for it to –”
“Oh …” Leah’s face paled, and she put a hand to her mouth.
Olivia’s gaze stayed glued to the screen, shocked.
“I know that, Josh. Don’t beat yourself up about it. I suppose it was silly of us, really – for old times’ sake and all that. Believe me I didn’t expect you to go down on one knee after it.” A coquettish laugh. “Anyway, it was fairly obvious you’d go straight back to her.”
“Oh no,” Leah said slowly, her eyes wide and sorrowful.
“Look, I’d better go back in,” came Josh’s voice. “They’re waiting for me …”
“No problem. It was nice to see you again. And look, don’t worry about it. I’m not in the habit of going around trying to wreck other people’s relationships. It was one night, no big deal.”
“You’re sure you weren’t angry that I left without saying goodbye?”
“It was fine – I’m a big girl.” Another laugh and a slight movement towards the shopfront. “The thing is … I just adore chocolate and this place looks really amazing. Maybe, I should pop in some time and … Josh, I’m only joking. Funny, you should see the look on your face.” She seemed to move towards him again, as if she was laying a hand on his arm or something. “Really, I’m joking.”
Josh now sounded decidedly standoffish. “Right. Look, I’d better go. See you around, Sharon.”
“Sure, maybe we might bump into one another again some night.”
“Maybe. See you.”
Then sudden movement, as the camera swerved, and Josh seemed to walk back inside. Then they heard Kate’s voice. “Hey, Josh over there – quickly. Leah’s just about to make her speech.”
Then the screen went black for a second, and soon after, another scene opened picturing Leah, beaming and smiling at Josh and his camera, and looking happier than she’d ever been in her life.
39
Leah’s hands shook as back in Dublin she turned the key in the door to the apartment. She didn’t think it was possible to feel such a mix of emotions all at once – fear, anger, loss, there were so many she didn’t think she could recognise one from the other.
But as soon as she saw Josh dozing on the sofa, obviously not long back from work, one particular emotion came sharply into focus – betrayal.
Her legs felt like jelly. She didn’t know how she was going to deal with this. She had watched a replay of the video three times, and each time things were even clearer. Josh had spent the night with Sharon Whyte, his ex-girlfriend. There was no other explanation, despite Olivia’s pleas.
“Leah, you can’t just jump to conclusions like this – they could be talking about anything,” her friend had said.
Leah, shocked and bewildered, was clutching a pillow to her as though she would never let go. “Oh, come on, Olivia. ‘Just one night?’ ‘For old times sake?’ What else could they be talking about?”
“Look, go home and talk to Josh about it – show him the tape, and see what he says. Whatever you do, don’t accuse him straight out because you could have the complete wrong end of the stick.”
“Olivia, I know as my friend that you’re only trying to make me feel better, but we’re not teenagers here. There could only be one end of the bloody stick.” With that, the tears had come and Leah didn’t think she would ever stop crying.
How could she have been so stupid? How could she have been so naïve in thinking that she and Josh were back on course? But of course, he had been so attentive lately, hadn’t he? Things had been a bit rough while she was getting the shop set up because they rarely saw one another, but after the opening, it was as though things were better than ever. But that wasn’t it, Leah saw now. It wasn’t that things were getting back to normal – it was that Josh was feeling guilty about his one-night (who knows, it could have been more?) stand with his ex – a girl Leah had met once briefly, and who seemed nice enough, if a little immature. They had split up because Sharon couldn’t come to terms with Josh’s decision never to have children, while Leah, good old reliable Leah had. Well, Sharon had the last laugh, didn’t she?
Now there was Josh lying indolently on the couch, oblivious to what was about to come. For one brief second, Leah wished that things hadn’t changed; she wished she could go back in time and never have seen that video. But yet, wasn’t it better to know now, before she committed herself to a man who wasn’t what she thought he was? A man who had the gall to come straight out and tell her that he wasn’t the paternal type – who didn’t want children, and she could take it or leave it? A man whose decision Leah had spent the last few years trying to justify to friends, family and everyone else who thought she was just being selfish. And all the time, it had never been her decision – it had never been her choice. But she had made that sacrifice, because she was sure that Josh was the one for her, and she knew that sometimes life didn’t always work out how you wanted it to. She loved Josh, he loved her and as far as she was concerned, this would be enough.
Until now.
Now, looking at him, Josh Ryan seemed the most insincere, hurtful, selfish cad Leah had ever come across.
“Wake up!” she cried, throwing a cushion at him, adrenaline pumping through her veins as the anger slowly began to take over. On one hand, she wanted to keep throwing cushions at him all night, on another she wanted him to take her in his arms, give her a perfectly reasonable explanation, and they would both laugh at her silliness.
“Lee? What?” Josh sat up, eyes blinking in the bright light. “What time is it?”
Leah didn’t answer, and a sudden calmness seemed to descend upon her as she crossed the room. She took the disc out of her handbag and put it into the machine.
“What’s this?” Josh asked her. “Oh, is it the launch party? Olivia gave back the
video then – good. I was thinking of buying one of those new tiny ones for our holidays anyway. Is it any good?”
“Depends on how you look at it,” Leah said flatly.
Josh looked at her and grimaced. “Ah no, don’t tell me I messed it up again, did I? Aw, Lee, I’m sorry – I probably had one two many that night – the focus is probably all over the place.”
“No, the focus is just fine, Josh. It’s the sound that could have done with being a little bit clearer, actually.”
“You know what these things are like – with all that music in the background, and people chattering amongst themselves … anyway, I told you you should have set up a microphone for your speech. Weren’t you hoarse by the end of the night – trying to shout over everyone like that?”
Amazing, Leah thought. He had absolutely no idea, no idea at all he’d been caught. Was he so without a soul or a conscience that he didn’t even remember his meeting up with Sharon, that he hadn’t been all that bothered about coming face to face with his infidelity that night? Strange how you think you know someone so well and, once the mask had been removed, everything seemed to come sharply into focus.
Speaking of which …
“Hey, I think I’m doing all right so far,” Josh said, smiling up at her.
Leah was standing there staring at the screen.
“Why are you standing up?” Josh asked. “Come and sit down. I know you’ve seen this already, but I haven’t and …”
He trailed off, as automatically he followed her intense gaze back to the TV screen, just as the pair of silver strappy shoes and red toenails came into view. For a few seconds he just stared at the pictures, then at Leah, and when she bent down and increased the volume, and he heard his voice clearly come through, all the blood seemed to drain from his face.
“Oh Leah –”
“Hush Josh, I’m trying to hear what you’re saying. You know, you’re right – it is almost impossible to make out what people are saying over the music and the crowd. It made much more sense to have a conversation outside. So, how did Sharon enjoy the party? Funnily enough, I didn’t see her there.”
He looked at her then, and despite Olivia’s insistence that there might be a reasonable explanation, one look at his expression told her that there could only be one.
“I’m so sorry,” he croaked.
At this, at hearing the admission so simply, so easily, a wave of emotion crashed over Leah, engulfing her in sorrow, disappointment, regret, anger. I’m so sorry. In a way, she wished that he would try to deny it, just to give her some hope, even the tiniest bit of hope. But there was no denial. The facts were straightforward. Josh had cheated on her, plain and simple.
“It had nothing to do with you – with us,” he was saying, his voice now a sharp contrast to his joviality earlier. “I love you – I still love you. You’re the most important thing that’s ever –”
“Oh my gosh, Josh, this is incredible. I can’t believe I’m hearing this. I’m the most important thing? You still love me? What do you think this is – some poxy TV soap opera? How dare you admit to cheating on me and then have the cheek – the gall to say that it had nothing to do with me. Me – who agreed to love and stay with you despite your decision not to ever have children, who put aside my own hopes and desire for a family because I thought I had found someone special. Someone I thought would be enough. How dare you turn around and tell me that it had nothing to do with me.”
“But it’s true! It was a stupid situation, a crazy drunken thing. I met Sharon one night in town and – ”
Leah cut him off. “Stop it. I don’t want to know.” But she did, of course she did, yet at the same time, hearing how it all happened would make it all the more real, and she didn’t think she could handle that.
“I had no idea the tape was still running, I had no idea ...” He put his head in his hands.
“I see. So you would have been quite happy to keep it all a secret, quite happy to keep me in the dark.”
“I wanted to tell you but – Leah, it was a mistake – a massive mistake.”
“Yes, it certainly was.” Leah couldn’t think of anything else to say to that.
“Lee, you and I were in a bit of rut – you admitted that yourself. You were so wrapped up in getting the shop ready and, don’t get me wrong – of course you were entitled to, but I don’t know, we just weren’t spending any time together any more. You were totally preoccupied – ”
“Oh, I see. So poor little Josh wasn’t getting the attention he wanted, the attention he deserved. So instead he decides to get it elsewhere – but not just anyone would do – no, it had to be Sharon. Couldn’t you have picked up some stranger from somewhere, Josh, if you wanted it that badly? Why did it have to be someone you knew, for goodness sake?”
And that was probably the worst part of it. Sharon would always see this as some kind of victory, some sort of childish proof that she could have Josh whenever she wanted him. And how dare he suggest that she was too preoccupied with the shop to give him the attention he deserved. What about the support she deserved? She’d been working her backside off trying to get this going – trying to get them the life they wanted. She knew Josh didn’t want to spend the rest of his life under his father’s thumb, and she had always thought that success in the shop meant that he could scale down a bit, and maybe start doing something for himself. Now, he had gone and ruined it all.
“Love, this is all my fault and I’m not blaming you for one second. I suppose I’m just trying to let you know my state of mind at the time. You have to admit yourself that things weren’t great between us a while back.”
“But that doesn’t give you the right to …” She trailed off, shaking her head. Never in her wildest dreams had she imagined this. Somehow she had always thought too much of Josh, had always believed him to be an infinitely decent person, which is why she didn’t have to think too much about making the sacrifice of never having children with him. She thought she had found the elusive ‘One’ and, although things were never going to be exactly as she wanted them, she thought that she had enough. So many people just couldn’t be happy; they were so busy searching for perfection that they didn’t realise that sometimes the ‘One’ might not be exactly as they had thought. She loved Josh enough, was sure that he loved her enough too, and there was nothing or no one that could keep them apart.
No one except Sharon apparently.
“Why?” Leah asked now. “Was it really just because our sex life had dwindled? Or was it something more?” She couldn’t quite believe that Josh would be so shallow as to throw away everything they had over sex. Yes, things had gone down somewhat but lately, she thought cringing, things had really begun to improve. Had he learnt a few tricks from Sharon then, she wondered, trying desperately to banish unbidden thoughts of them together, what they might have been doing to one another, if Josh nibbled Sharon’s ear in the same way that he nibbled hers, if his hands ran across … Stop it, she warned herself. She would drive herself mad if she thought about it. “Why did you do it?”
“It was a stupid, stupid mistake,” Josh said, and Leah could see the beginnings of tears behind those large dark eyes. “I know it sounds like a cliché, everything I say now is going to sound like a cliché, but, Leah, it’s true. At the time, it had nothing to do with us – it was just sex, drunken pathetic sex, nothing more.” He winced and ran a hand through his hair. “I knew I’d been an idiot and, believe me, I agonised about telling you for days – weeks – afterwards but things were finally coming together with the shop, and you were so happy. I couldn’t just lay it on you like that. I knew it would ruin everything for you.”
“Wow, what did I do to deserve such a thoughtful boyfriend?” Leah said coldly. “So, first of all, you went off with that – with her because I wasn’t paying you enough attention, and then you decided not to bother telling me, because you were worried about my feelings! Hell, Josh, do you not think that you’ve got things a little backward there?�
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“I’m so sorry,” he said, again, and this time, there were actual tears slowly moving down his cheeks. “Please believe me, I am so, so, sorry. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you, Leah. I love you so much you wouldn’t believe it.”
He reached across for her hand, and it took every ounce of strength Leah had to move away. She had never seen Josh cry before, had never seen him so upset. But as much as the sight moved her, she couldn’t let such a simple tactic sway her. That was obviously what he wanted.
“Look, I know you probably won’t believe me, but,” he sat back on the couch, drained, “I was going to propose to you on the night of the launch party. I had it all planned …”
Stop it. Leah raged inwardly, her heart beginning to pound. Don’t do this – don’t you dare do this to me. She had never dared entertain the prospect of marriage to him, and they had never spoken about it before. Josh was as unconvential as they came, so as much as she loved him, Leah knew she could take nothing for granted. And in all honesty she didn’t really care, because they were as good as married anyway.
Now, hearing those words, Leah’s heart ached to the core.
“But when I went outside and met … met her, well then, I just couldn’t,” Josh went on. “I couldn’t in good conscience go in there and ask you to be my wife, ask you to spend the rest of your life with me. Because I knew then that I didn’t deserve you, that I was a weak, spineless, pathetic idiot who didn’t know how lucky he was.”
Leah finally sat down. She didn’t know what to think or what to feel.
“I’ve blown it, Leah, I know that. I could sit here all night and try and think of a million different excuses, different reasons for why I did it. But there are none. I was an idiot and there’s no getting away from it. I let you down, I let us down.”
“Yes, you did,” Leah whispered, and by then she was crying too.
“Look,” Josh turned to her, his eyes sorrowful, “I won’t insult you any more by trying to explain my way out of it. I made a mess of things, I know that. But you have to believe me when I say that I do love you. Yes, I know you’re thinking I have a funny way of showing it, but I know in my heart that it’s true. I don’t think I can ever make you understand why I did it – I don’t know if I understand it myself. But you mean the world to me, Leah, you always will. Our time together has been nothing short of brilliant. You’re my best friend.”