by Melissa Hill
But, when a few weeks later, Robin began throwing up in the mornings and feeling tired and listless at work, she realised that their one-night stand could have devastating consequences – for everyone.
She didn’t know what to do. How could she support a baby? She was barely out of college, had just begun working as a junior in a small finance company, not to mention the fact that the baby’s father happened to be making plans for happily ever after with her best friend!
So, racked with guilt and unable to come to any other conclusion, Robin went to the student union office at the university and asked for help. A single phone call later, she was booked into a clinic in London. It was only by pure chance that Leah phoned one night for a chat, anxious to tell Robin about a gorgeous man she had met in Paris. “He’s a chocolatier,” she’d explained giddily. “How perfect is that?”
Robin laughed along with her, trying her best to sound enthusiastic but almost instantly Leah picked up on it.
“What’s the matter?” she asked. “The last time I spoke to you, you were in great form. In fact, I wondered if you hadn’t found someone yourself.”
“I did, but it’s over,” Robin stated flatly.
“It was Peter, wasn’t it?” Leah said, typically direct.
“What? How did you –?”
“Come on, Robin, every time I phone he’s either there or you’re talking about what he said or did the last time you spoke to him. I know you two got close when he and Olivia split up, and I know that since they got engaged, you’ve been a long streak of misery. What are you going to do?”
And then Robin blurted it all out: how being in love with Peter was the least of her worries, how she’d betrayed her friend, and had quite possibly ruined her life.
“I can’t keep it,” she told Leah. “It’s all arranged.”
“You have to tell him,” Leah tried to convince her. “Don’t do this alone.”
“What else can I do? I’ve just started with the job – it’s a junior position with bad pay and little prospects. How can I possibly bring a young baby up on my own? Olivia is bound to suspect something – she knows I haven’t been seeing anyone, and the timing is too obvious. Not to mention that I’ve been trying to avoid her since I found out they were back together.”
It had all seemed so bleak, so desperate then, and the only way out it seemed was to take the baby out of the equation. Robin was shocked and dismayed at what she had been reduced to. At college, she and Olivia were always signing up for those pro-life demonstrations and rallies. The two of them had spent many an afternoon on Dame Street in front of those graphic photos of aborted foetuses looking for signatures from passers-by. It seemed so easy to be idealistic or moralistic about ‘choice’ when the choice wasn’t yours to make. Things seemed so much simpler in college, in that cosy little cocoon where you and your little student societies could all play at politics and play at real life. But outside the walls of UCD, outside that structured framework of right and reason, it was all very different.
There hadn’t been a day since that Robin didn’t think about how close she had come to doing something so awful.
“You don’t have to do that,” Leah advised. “You should tell Peter – it’s his responsibility too.”
“But Olivia would hate me,” Robin whispered sadly.
And Olivia did for a while, she knew that. She hated the fact that Robin’s unborn baby had thrown a huge shadow over her new life with Peter. Unbeknownst to Robin, but ostensibly for her own good, Leah had approached Peter and let him know what was happening. All of a sudden, Olivia and Peter were there for Robin, and made it known in no uncertain terms that aborting the child was the last thing she should do, that there was no need. After a few months of trying to come to terms with it, the two of them, but especially Olivia, had been wonderful to Robin and had helped her through the remainder of her pregnancy. Which made Robin feel ever guiltier for messing up her own and her friend’s life so spectacularly, but also helped her with her next decision.
Long after they had persuaded her to keep the baby, and just before the child was born, Robin knew exactly what she had to do. One day she broached the subject with Olivia.
“I don’t want this baby, you know that,” she said, when they were alone in her tiny bedsit. “I never wanted it.” Her heart hammered guiltily as she lied through her teeth. Of course she wanted the baby. Granted not in these circumstances, but still this little life inside her was precious – and hers.
“Don’t say that, you’re just nervous about the birth,” Olivia said, dismissing her.
“I mean it,” she persisted. “I don’t want it. If you and Peter hadn’t convinced me to keep it, you know I would have gone through with the abortion. I’m not a maternal person.” Robin grasped at this and tried to convince herself that she really wasn’t maternal, but with each passing day as she felt this new life growing inside her, she came to love it more and more. It would be torture, but Robin knew she had caused enough misery. And she also knew she had to try and make amends.
“Robin, you’ll be fine,” Olivia said, but every time Robin looked at her, she could see the sadness and disappointment in Olivia’s eyes. She couldn’t put her through this, put her through trying to pretend that everything would be OK, that they could continue as friends. It just wasn’t fair.
“So, I was thinking that maybe you and Peter might take it …” she went on, trying to make her voice sound casual, as if she was talking about a second-hand TV set, although once she’d uttered that simple remark, Robin felt as though she’d already lost a part of herself.
“What?”
“The baby. I was hoping that you might take it. That’s if you’d like to,” she said, just catching the expression of hope on Olivia’s face. “Look, you two are getting married, and I know it’s not ideal, but you’ve always said you’d like a family.” She tried to shrug off-handedly. “I know it might not be how you imagined but … chances are I’ll have to give it up anyway.”
For a long moment, Olivia was silent. “Let me talk to Peter about it,” she said.
And that was it. Decision made. Robin tried not to think too much about it after that, although inside her heart ached. She made herself imagine that it was Peter and Olivia’s baby then, that it wasn’t and would never be hers. And by rights it should be their baby. Robin had no claims on Peter, or on their relationship, she knew that. She had made a stupid mistake but at least this could be a way of making up for it somewhat.
So, by the time the baby was born slightly prematurely, Robin had almost convinced herself that she didn’t feel anything for the tiny little thing in the incubator, baby Jake Gallagher. Olivia had picked the name, at Robin’s insistence.
When a few days later, Robin returned from the maternity hospital – lonely and bereft after giving up her special baby – and found that the financial controller’s job she’d applied for in the States was hers and that the company would sponsor her visa, she resolved to move on, to try and forget what she had done, and get on with her life. She’d be better off away from Ireland, she thought sorrowfully, away from everyone and everything – away from all the trouble she’d caused.
And Olivia, Peter and little Jake would be much better off without her.
63
The following morning, Robin gave another interview about her children’s books on breakfast television.
The bubbly blonde presenter was doing her best to relax her, but Robin just couldn’t feel relaxed. The last few days had been torturous, and she just didn’t feel like spending all this time gabbing on and promoting her stupid book. It all seemed so shallow and inconsequential, considering.
There hadn’t been a single day in her life since giving him up that she hadn’t thought of Jake, but especially after meeting Olivia the other night, Robin could think of little else, and the pain and guilt was all-consuming. Now, she just wanted to go home, home to New York, home to Ben and away from all the hurt and regret that being in I
reland had caused.
The presenter asked her another question. “The publishers believe that these stories won’t just entertain, but will really help the children and the parents of allergy sufferers,” she asked. “Do you feel that your own experiences as a nut-allergy sufferer helped you understand better than most the problems associated with these conditions?”
Robin sat forward, deciding she’d better just get it over and done with. “Yes, and it can be tough as an adult living with the condition, but at least I’m old enough to be able to take responsibility for myself.” She paused. “I do know it’s a lot harder for parents. The reason the book came about in the first place was because I saw how hard my partner’s sister found it with her little girl, who suffers from asthma and hayfever. In a city like New York, especially in the summertime, it’s very difficult. And of course, she’s now school-going age, so it’s even more worrying for her mother.”
“I can imagine,” the presenter nodded sympathetically. “So the book did have an effect on your partner’s niece?”
“Yes, it did, but I think it had even more of an effect on her mother – but you have to remember this was all unintentional. I have no idea what it’s like to look after a child with a medical condition, I don’t know how it must feel to live permanently in a state of potential emergency.” She stopped then, her heart thudding against her chest as she realised what she had just admitted. She did have no idea, no idea at all of what Sarah really had to go through. Or Olivia.
“Yes, it’s not something most of us experience, thank goodness. So, your sister-in-law brought the book to the attention of the publishers?” The presenter glanced almost imperceptibly at Robin’s left hand.
“No –” Robin went on to explain how she and Ben had provided their own crude booklets for the school and that one of the parents worked on the production team for Bubblegum Press.
“And then Nickelodeon got in on the act with their big money deal. It’s such an amazing story,” the presenter was shaking her head in awe. “And you never wanted to be a writer before then?”
“Not really. To be honest, I feel a little guilty about that. I’m sure there are thousands of people out there who could have done a better job on these books than I did.”
“Yes, but you’re the one who had the experience. You know how to put the message across.”
“Perhaps,” Robin shrugged self-consciously.
“So, as a result of your series, hundreds, if not thousands of parents around the world should be helped by giving their children a copy of your book. Congratulations, Robin. I’m sure every parent watching who has a child suffering from such a condition will be very grateful to you.” The presenter smiled then, as if to wrap up the slot, but Robin shook her head.
“I don’t know about that,” she continued, her voice softer and less assured. “I had a friend, a good friend, who sacrificed a lot to look after a nut-allergic child like me. It didn’t just affect her life, it affected her marriage.”
“Oh, so more experiences to draw from then.” The presenter tried to keep the tone light.
“But I’m sure it’s difficult.”
“The thing is,” Robin went on, the reunion with Olivia, the visit to the graveyard, all of it, really hitting her then, “I never really understood how much it had affected her. To be honest, I didn’t want to understand. I was too busy getting on with my own life.”
And that was true, she admitted. She had been so intent on getting over her own pain, her own loss, that she hadn’t really thought about Olivia and what she must have gone through. Jake wouldn’t have been easy to raise, and the fact that he was a constant reminder of what Peter and Robin had done would have been doubly hard for her friend. All of a sudden Robin realised that she had been even more selfish that she’d imagined.
She looked away and her eyes shone with tears. “That’s why I feel there should be more help given to the parents of children with allergies, diabetes, etc. People seem to think that keeping children away from the food in question is the answer. But it isn’t. The way of life has to change and the pressure is enormous. I didn’t really understand that.”
Yet she didn’t want to understand it, she thought. She was too wrapped up in her own problems, in her own regrets.
“I see, well, thanks –” Again the presenter tried to wrap things up.
“But she’s the most kind-hearted, unselfish person I’ve ever known, and I know she did her very best for the child.”
“Did?”
Robin’s head snapped up then, almost as if remembering where she was. “Yes,” she said sadly. “My friend’s son died from his allergy.” Robin’s eyes sparkled under the bright studio lights, and just then the presenter realised that this bit wasn’t on the press release.
“Oh, dear – I didn’t know it could get that serious …” Her gaze flickered fearfully to the production crew. Now she was concerned, not just for Robin, but for the fact that this slot was running way over time
But at this stage Robin was in full flow, as everything seemed to overwhelm her all at once, her grief for Jake, for Peter and for the friendship that she had lost. “Yes, but I think – I mean, I know my friend always blamed herself for that, and she shouldn’t have. She was a fantastic mother and she did her best, more than her best for him. It was a tragedy, but one that was always possible until he learned to look after himself. But in the meantime, there was no one better than Ol – than my friend – to take care of him. She did that to the best of her ability – no one could have done any better.”
And that was true too. Despite the fact that Jake was lost to both of them, Robin knew deep down that Olivia had done her best for him, something that she herself could never claim.
“But you wish you could have helped more?” the presenter prompted.
She paused, unsure how to word this. “Yes, I should have helped, and I hope she can forgive me for that.”
The presenter nodded again. “I’m sure your friend is thrilled you decided to write a book about it.”
“I’m not so sure about that,” Robin answered sadly, and a little too cryptically for the presenter’s liking.
“Robin, thank you very much for sharing that with us, and thank you for coming on the show,” she interjected while she had the chance. “Robin’s first book is called Atchoo the Allergic Alligator and will be in shops in November, just in time for Christmas!” She turned to Robin. “Best of luck with it all.”
“Thank you,” Robin nodded uncomfortably.
With a winning smile, the reporter turned to face the camera. “Right, now we’ll go over to the newsroom for an update and next up, our vet spot where we’ll explain how you can best communicate with your pet!”
64
The telephone rang, and Leah put down her coffee mug and muted the TV.
“Did you see that?” Kate asked snidely. “Who does she think she is?”
Leah groaned. “Oh, leave it out, Kate, will you?” she said, sick to the teeth of Kate’s constant sniping and bad humour. “She was just answering the woman’s questions.”
“What would she know about it? ‘There should be more support’ indeed. She wasn’t exactly that supportive of poor Olivia when her child died, was she? No, she was too busy living it up in New York.”
Leah shook her head “Kate, I’m sorry – you’re my friend and I love you, but lately you’ve turned into an almighty pain in the arse.”
Silence at the other end.
“Look, Kate, what’s with all the Robin-bashing? You weren’t close to Olivia back then either. What’s it got to do with you?”
To her amazement, her friend began to cry. “I don’t know!” she wailed. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I’m angry at Michael, at Dylan, at Robin, at everything! I’m sorry for not going out for your birthday – I know you probably hate me now but I’m sorry.”
“Oh, you silly goose,” Leah couldn’t help but smile. “I know you’ll make it up to me.”
Kate sniffed again. “I want you to be Dylan’s godmother. Now it’s OK if you say no, because I know it might be hard and – ”
“I’d love to.” Leah was touched.
“Would you?”
“Yes, it would be an honour.”
“Thanks.” Another sniff. “I didn’t know if you would want to after me being such a cow about Josh. But you know it’s only because I care about you,” she said mournfully.
“Kate, listen to yourself – you sound like a right moan.”
“I do, don’t I?” Kate answered, as if just realising it then.
“Yes, you do!” Leah said, amused. She supposed she’d been unfair to her really, giving out about her not making an effort any more. It was pretty obvious that the root of Kate’s suffering was baby blues.
And Leah had just the cure for that. “Look, I have to go into the shop this morning, but I’ll pop over later for lunch and a natter, OK?”
“OK,” Kate sniffled again, and Leah grinned.
“And then afterwards, you get Dylan organised, and we’ll go to the hospital and visit Amanda and the new arrival. Apparently, the slice and dice never happened,” she added wickedly.
Almost instantly, the sniffling stopped. “What? She went through with the whole thing – properly?”
“Yep. Apparently her timing must have been all wrong, ‘cos when she went in, she was too far gone for a Caesarean. Her waters had broken and the baby was coming. And, listen to this, Andrew said she was also too far gone to get the epidural.” Poor Amanda, Leah thought.
“Oh my gosh, I can’t miss this!” She was sounding much more like the old Kate. “Don’t you dare go to the hospital without me – I want to hear every detail.”
“Now, are you sure you’re feeling up to it?”
“Never better, now that I know little Miss Perfect had to go through what I went through.”
With a slight grin at the thought of their visit, Leah replaced the receiver, and began to get ready for work.
It was weird, she thought a while later, driving towards the shop, but today she was feeling really fantastic. It was as though finally coming to terms with the fact that she and Josh weren’t getting back together had been an epiphany for her. Although then again, she thought with a smile, it could be that lovely feeling you get the day immediately after an almighty hangover. Nevertheless, it was onwards and upwards from now on, she decided. No more feeling sorry for herself about Josh and her lack of a relationship. No more feeling cheated just because her best friend didn’t have as much time for her any more. Today was the first day of the rest of her life and all that.