I force my eyes open. He deserves better than for me to shy away from this death I’ve caused. His eyes are wide, and I meet them without flinching. They are all the colors of the forest: green pine needles, gray bark, rusty brown earth. Colors mingling in his eyes like rain has washed it all together. I pick out the colors, memorizing them. I cannot ever, ever forget his eyes.
“Gladly shall I drink...ale in...” he sucks in a shuddering breath, “in the high seat.”
His eyes don’t move, but I can see them focus through me. I’m not with him anymore, and he’s seeing something else. Valkyrie, I hope. Riding down from the sky to take him home.
He can’t finish the prayer. His mouth stops. His blood soaks hot onto my leg.
“Rein,” I whisper again, seeing not only him but my brother and sister and Mom and Dad. I can finish it. His heart still beats, creeping slowly to a stop.
“The days of your life have ended,” I say. “And you die with a laugh.”
I kiss his lips, giving the words back into him. He is dead.
Leaning back on my heels, I wipe my hands down my thighs. Blood roars in my ears. My heart is spinning fast, and I am feverish with a burning need to destroy.
LISTEN!
They say that Luta Bearsdottir dipped her finger into the berserker’s wound and with his heart’s blood drew a spear down her cheek.
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LAZARUS GIRL
by Brenna Yovanoff
Ever since I was little, I’ve been deeply fascinated by stories like “Little Red Riding Hood” and “Bluebeard”—stories where the girl faces down the psychopath and is subsequently rescued, but just barely. I loved the urgency of it, the sense of mortal danger. Mostly though, I liked that the girls in these stories were special. They had seen all the way down to the very heart of evil, nearly been seduced by it, and then lived to tell about it.
The last few years have seen me write a lot of imperiledgirl stories. I mean, a lot. They come in different forms, countless variations on the same characters and themes. In a way, it’s like I’ve written the same story over and over, trying to get it right. And in another way, it’s like I’ve made it my mission to find out how exactly many different stories one premise can make.
“Lazarus Girl” is a kind of culmination of all the iterations that came before it, because Rosamund has gone somewhere the other girls haven’t. She’s not waiting for rescue or even rescuing herself. She’s already seen all there is to see. —Brenna
At first, nothing. A dry scrape of leaf, a creak and sigh of branch and twig.
The ground is frozen, feels a thousand miles away. For a long, disorienting moment she thinks she’s home, lying in her bed and only dreaming that the shadows on her walls are solid, becoming trees.
The sky is low and starless above her, rolling with clouds. If it met neatly in the corners, she could almost confuse it with the ceiling.
. . .
I wasn’t supposed to be there.
It was a faculty party—grad students only—but Portia Miles had heard about it from the TA in her Modern Drama class. And anyway, it was Saturday night and we were the girls who crashed the grad parties, who made shy, bookish boys ignore their dates and turn longing gazes on us instead.
The two of us were standing by the hors d’oeuvres, talking about the girl campus security had found in the woods. Or at least I was talking about the girl in the woods. Portia was picking through a dish of mixed olives, looking for the black ones. The house belonged to one of the literature professors—this tall, balding guy with a wispy goatee. He taught courses on the Romantics, and his parties were almost always catered.
“Don’t you think about how she must have felt, though? When she realized what was happening?” I reached for a finger sandwich on a tiny plastic sword, which made Portia roll her eyes. I waggled the sword at her. “I mean, how can you stop thinking about it? It’s so messed up!”
“Rosie,” Portia said with her arms around my neck, the music swelling from seven or eight strategically placed wall speakers. “Rosie, Rosie, what are we going to do with you?”
And I laughed because I was where the nightlife happened, on the inside, and we were nineteen, wicked, and warm like August, and it didn’t matter that a week ago a girl had died in the little clump of scenic woods, right in middle of campus. None of the horror was ours. We were gorgeous and shocking and could always find someone to walk us home.
Out in the street it was starting to rain, the sky spitting little drops. The spray blew diagonally, spattering the windows as Portia steered me through the crowd with her hand tucked in the crook of my arm.
“Do you think the killer is out there right now?” I said, making witchy fingers in her face. “Do you think he’s prowling the streets like Jack the Ripper, in a wool coat and a top hat?”
“Rosie, be good,” she said. “Don’t go around freaking everyone out with the morbid talk.”
And I nodded but knew I’d do it anyway. When it was a choice between the small talk or the crazed killers, the choice was not really a choice at all.
I kissed her on the cheek and then slipped into the crowd in search of a promising conversationalist. Someone lonely, shy. Easily rattled. They were a dime a dozen in the English department.
I wound my way through impeccably disheveled rooms. Stylishly obscure books were stacked two deep on all the shelves, and the furniture was artfully mismatched. I made the rounds, stopping occasionally to insinuate myself into a debate or a conversation. In the kitchen, a tall, shaggy-haired boy wearing a battered wool blazer that was too short in the sleeves was holding forth on feminist readings of pre-twentieth century works, but when he asked my opinion on portrayals of women in Shakespeare and I saw the unfortunate state of his teeth, I smiled vaguely and moved on. I’d know my quarry when I saw him. Someone shy and wistful—easily separated from the herd.
He was standing alone by the unlit fireplace, holding a highball glass like he didn’t know what to do with it. He was perfect and had the saddest eyes. The line of his jaw was so delicate it made me want to bite him.
There was an oil painting over the mantle, and I’d used it to meet people plenty of times. It was a decent reproduction of a piece by one of the less-infamous Pre-Raphaelites, set in a heavy frame, and it always gave me the perfect opening.
“I was named after her,” I said, coming up beside him.
He glanced up, flinching when he saw me there, so close I was nearly touching him. It was a look I’d learned to love—the one that says, Beautiful girl, I am terrified of you. I am in painful, staggering awe of you.
“Oh,” he said, backing away. He almost whispered it. “Rosamund’s a pretty name.”
“No it isn’t. I mean, the first half is. Did you know that Eleanor of Aquitaine murdered her? She caught Rosamund sleeping with her husband and gave her a choice between poison or stabbing. Or else she had her beheaded or drowned her in the tub or something.”
He shook his head, avoiding my eyes. “That’s just a story, though. Rosamund Clifford died in a nunnery.”
It wasn’t the way the script was supposed to go. He was supposed to be impressed by my brashness, not lecture me on actual facts, but I played it off, making my eyes narrow, looking suggestive and bored. “Did she die of sexual frustration, then?”
He blushed deeply a beat too late, turning his head to the side, showing me only a well-shaped ear, one reddened cheekbone. “Of natural causes.”
“There’s nothing natural about celibacy. Aren’t you going to tell me your name?”
“Bryce,” he said with his hand held out, not to shake, but like he wanted to rest it on my arm and was too shy.
I smiled demurely, grazing my bottom lip with my teeth, and moved closer....
. . .
Under the dead leaves at the base of the buckeye tree, she rolls over. Then, with the grace of a sleepwalker, she shakes off
the layer of debris and gets to her feet.
The woods are silent and bare, and the grass at her feet is brittle with frost. In the dark she is a chilling sight, with long, matted hair and dirt under her nails.
Her steps are unsteady, gait made uneven by the lumpy, frozen ground and one missing shoe.
She picks her way down the footpath, back toward the lake. The night is cold, but her breath doesn’t hang in the air, and if she feels the chill, she doesn’t show it. There’s something so lovely in her face, so lost. She has been lonely all her life, but never so fully or so truly as she is tonight.
. . .
The Botticelli knockoff was bad. The brushwork was too heavy, and the colors reminded me of a circus. It depicted the martyrdom of Saint Sebastian, and I was forced to admit that yes, there could be such a thing as too many arrows.
We stood looking up at it. The recessed lighting made faint halos around our heads, and Bryce put down his drink like he was about to say something, gesturing vaguely. Sebastian’s body was pierced in six places, but in his beatific ecstasy, he was one millimeter off from smiling.
“That’s the way to go,” Bryce said. He said it solemnly, without irony. “No old age, no fading into obscurity. People remember a really dramatic death.”
I let myself drift closer—closer—until the backs of our hands were touching. “He’s so...isolated though, like he’s on stage. I mean, everyone’s looking at him, but no one can know what he’s feeling. Do you think he’s lonely?”
Bryce shrugged, taking his hand back, glancing away. “Are you talking about the painting or the man?”
“Does it matter? Maybe I was talking about the saint. I mean, what’s the difference?”
“Only one of those things is real, though. He was a man, but the painting and the saint are just impressions, the way other people saw him, and not how he actually was.”
“Do you think people ever actually know each other?”
He twitched his shoulders and swallowed. “Do people even really know themselves?”
I looked up at Sebastian, martyred by arrows. I supposed that some people did know. Portia did, I was almost sure. But I couldn’t say with any real authority that I knew myself.
I turned my back on Bryce and Sebastian, watching the pseudointellectuals in their hipster glasses. The grad-school girls weren’t flirting, weren’t dancing, weren’t anything. They just sat around the crowded living room, waiting for someone to take pity on them and start a conversation.
I finished my drink and turned to face Bryce again. “Did you hear about the girl in the woods?”
He nodded. The question wasn’t particularly original. Everyone had heard about the girl in the woods. “Nothing concrete really, but students were talking about it in my European Masters seminar.”
He said students the way a person would say convicts, or hookworms, like they were so beneath him. Like he wasn’t one, even though last time I looked, grad student still had the word student attached to it.
“Was she poisoned?” he said, and I knew that he was teasing me about Rosamund. “Stabbed? Drowned in the tub?”
I shook my head, trying to convey the awful weight of the girl in the tree, her empty death, her aloneness. Trying to convey all the ways that this was not a joke. The blunt, factual nature of her demise made something shudder deep inside me, and when I pretended to Portia or to myself that the dark stuff couldn’t touch me, that was a lie. I’d been waking up from nightmares since the day they found her, rope knotted around her neck and hands tied. There was nothing else to say about her. The known facts were spare and arbitrary. A dead girl found hanging in a tree, without rhyme or reason, no explanation and no story.
Bryce sighed like he was humoring me. “How did she die?”
“Hung,” I said. “Hanged. Whatever. She was out in the woods behind the lake, in that big buckeye tree.”
“Did you know her?”
I shook my head.
“Did you see her, then? Did you find the body or something?”
“No, but I went out to look after they took it down.”
Bryce raised his eyebrows, smiling for the first time. “A little ghoulish, don’t you think?”
I didn’t disagree.
He reached to set his drink on the low, glass-topped coffee table, watching me intently, and there was a need in his face that I recognized. It was the same half-buried hunger I saw in my own face. An emptiness that never seemed to show in photographs, but which was uncomfortably visible every time I studied myself in the mirror.
All at once, I knew what I wanted. What I would do. It would be this thing we’d have, a raw, poignant bond, and once it was in place, he’d see me through the lens of this one shared thing. We would have our moment of unfailing connection, and everyone else would be outside it.
“Come on,” I said, reaching for his hand. “I’ll show you.”
. . .
There is a light in the window—the one he pointed to from the street before they left the safety of the pavement and started into the woods. Now she stands looking up, captivated by the warm rectangle above her. The light and the promise of warmth pull at her. They draw her like a flame, her face moth-white, her lips a cool, lifeless blue.
. . .
We found our coats in the pile on the bed and went out through the kitchen. I looked for Portia before we left, but she was working her magic on a cluster of lit. majors, and I didn’t interrupt her.
Down in the street the rain had let up, but the asphalt was slick, reflecting the streetlights in smeared pools.
We headed in the direction of the lake, and Bryce reached for my hand but chickened out at the last minute, letting his fingers brush lightly against my sleeve, then fall again.
As we crossed the quad, he walked faster, and I had to scramble to keep up, scuffing my feet along the sidewalk to keep my ballet flats from slipping off. Brick apartments rose on either side of us, picturesque and shabby.
“I live up there,” he said, and when he pointed, I knew that after our foray into the woods we’d come back here, newly allied, and we’d climb the three flights to his tiny TA-salary apartment, where he’d suggest brandy or coffee or Parcheesi, and he’d let me stay. We’d sit together on the couch and talk about art and philosophy. About the girl in the woods.
Later, I would put my glass down, lean toward him, and kiss him before he could demur. He’d be pleasantly startled, grateful even. He would treat me like he knew how much I mattered.
The path into the woods was narrow but easy to find if you knew where to look, and everyone did. It was the quickest way to get from one side of campus to the other, and the path was worn hard and bare by so many feet. Now, though, it was late and dark and empty. Only a fool would go into the woods at night with a strange man. Only a fool would lead the way.
. . .
She mounts the steps with plodding dignity. Her remaining shoe is made of silk, muddy now and in tatters, the sole pulling away from the upper. Her bare foot taps out a soft patting rhythm as she climbs the stairs. The rustle of her dress sounds like a drawn breath, but she is not breathing.
. . .
We stood in the shadow of the buckeye tree, looking up. In the daylight you’d be able to see the dusty mark where the rope had been looped and knotted around the branch, but at night even that was invisible, no proof at all that anything terrible had happened.
In the dark I could feel Bryce watching me. “This is it? What you wanted to show me?”
His tone was polite, but disappointed, like I’d promised him fireworks and delivered a burnt match. I nodded, feeling childish suddenly. Pointless. We were here, in the very location of horror and tragedy, and still it meant nothing.
Bryce started to speak again, then cut himself off. I couldn’t see his expression, but the angle of his head seemed like he might be watching me with actual pity.
“Sorry,” I told him, trying to sound casual, unbothered by how ordinary everything seemed, s
uddenly. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I thought it was going to be better.”
“Don’t apologize,” he said in a solemn voice. “I should be thanking you. It’s funny, but I’m glad you brought me out here.”
“Why? It was a stupid idea. It’s not even like the place is secret or anything. I mean, everyone walks through here.”
He took his hands out of his pockets and moved closer. “Yes, but it’s nice to see it through your eyes.”
I had always been the kind of girl who made the first move, but when our lips met, he was the one kissing me. His mouth was warm and soft and just a little too cautious.
Then he was holding me, pressing my back against the tree, and I remembered the way he had looked, standing in front of Saint Sebastian, the dark hunger in his eyes, like he knew what it was to spend hours or days staring down the grimmest, most impossible questions. Like maybe he even had the answers.
He touched my throat, running a finger down my trachea, and I swallowed. My mouth was very dry suddenly. I couldn’t see his face, but his shoulders had a set that told me things about his expression. Enough to know that he was smiling.
“Rosamund,” he said, and it was all there in his voice, the things he was really saying.
I nodded.
Rosamund, who took what wasn’t hers, whose story was a fake, a collection of rumors and lies. Rosamund, girl of a thousand deaths, and who is she without them? If none of them are true, who is the girl in stories? Nothing but a proud, selfish nobody. King Henry II’s mistress, who died in a nunnery of natural causes.
I stood with the tree at my back, heart jackhammering in my chest, but not quite ready to run. When you spend your whole life convinced that underneath your warm party smile, you are utterly, permanently alone, you spend your whole life thinking nothing can touch you.
The Curiosities (Carolrhoda Ya) Page 19