He sat down on a kitchen chair. He’d known it was something like that, but hearing it from her was different.
‘Because?’ His voice was harsh, foreign even to his own ears.
She started to sit, too, then seemed to think better of it and stood behind her chair, holding on to its back, shifting from foot to foot as though standing still wasn’t possible. ‘He seemed to think we could all benefit from the move.’
‘Does this have something to do with his promotion to Minister for Family Services?’
‘You know about that?’
‘I read the papers.’ He paused. ‘You said no, right? The twins misheard.’
‘I don’t know what they heard but—’
‘You didn’t say no?’ The desperate cold fear that had been squeezing his heart all night tightened its grip once more. ‘You’re considering it?’
‘No.’ She shook her head, her eyes red and wild, begging him to listen. ‘I knew I wasn’t going back but for one mad moment I did consider it. Not for me, like I said, it was madness.’
‘You considered it for Philip’s sake?’ Anger and jealousy rolled around in his gut, making him feel ill.
‘Of course I didn’t consider it for Philip. You think I’d move us all to Canberra just to help his career? How stupid do you think I am?’
He didn’t answer, simply stared at her and didn’t try to hide the fury burning inside him.
‘I considered it for the twins.’
He opened his mouth to tell her she was making no sense, as the twins didn’t even like Philip. She beat him to it.
‘The twins need stability and security and if I can give it to them, I will. I know in my heart that Canberra—and Philip—wouldn’t give them that but I doubt myself now. After the mess I made of everything when I kissed you, I doubt my judgement. That’s why I wanted to make sure I was weighing things up properly. It took less than a second to know moving to Canberra is the last thing the twins need. They need Philip even less. But Charlie must have heard the beginning of the conversation and not the end.’
Nick didn’t care about the sequence of events, what he cared about was the fact she’d thought Philip’s proposition over in the first place. ‘You thought about Philip’s offer because of security and stability.’ She nodded. Hesitantly, but it was confirmation all the same. It made a mockery of the declaration he’d made, of his feelings for her. ‘I made you an offer, too, Rosie. I told you I wanted the whole deal, that I love you. You didn’t give that any consideration at all.’ He wanted to lash out, to hit something in frustration. ‘Either you don’t feel the same about me or you didn’t think I could provide for you as well as Philip. Was it really the children stopping you from getting involved with me or was it because you’d never really ended it with Philip? Is he a better bet financially?’
‘How can you even ask that? You know it was because of the children. Charlie was so upset he’d stopped talking. I had to do what I did.’ She stopped, looking confused. He refused to share her confusion, it was all clear to him. He remained silent, fixed in a stubborn refusal to make this any easier on her than it was for him. She blinked, rubbed at the corner of her eye and went on, ‘At least, I thought I did. But are you really saying you think I’d assess a relationship based on who could provide best financially? If you think that, then you don’t get me.’ Her voice was anguished, not angry, but he hardened his heart. ‘Not at all.’
‘That’s the first thing we’ve agreed on for some time.’ He pushed back, stood and swung the chair back into place under the table. ‘I’m glad the twins are home safely. Perhaps in the future you can watch what you talk about when they’re around.’
It was a cheap shot, a throw-away line laying blame for the twins’ actions entirely at her feet. It was unfair and in saying it, he knew he’d shown himself to be bitter and angry. Damn it, he was bitter and angry and he could toss in disillusioned and devastated for good measure.
He’d regret his comment later. In fact, as he saw Rosie’s shocked face drain of all remaining colour at his words, he almost regretted it right now, despite his black despair.
Almost.
But not quite.
Nick raised his glass in a toast as the impromptu speech by one of his partners came to an end. Looking around the table at the assembled company of his medical partners, celebrating at their annual practice dinner, it occurred to him this was as close as he came to having family in Australia. A nice group, sure, but was this what it had all been for?
At his belt, his mobile vibrated. Grabbing it, he checked the display. James. A strange time for him to ring.
Nodding his excuses, he left the restaurant, heading for the night air.
He answered the call. ‘Mate, what’s up?’
‘A lot. I’m getting married.’
Nick stood gaping. Finally, he got it together enough to say, ‘What do you mean? Married married?’
‘What other sort is there?’ James chuckled, clearly in the best of moods. ‘It’s Lettie, the girl I’ve been pining after for years. The timing was never right for us to get together so when it finally was, it all fell into place quickly. Turns out she felt the same all along.’
‘You’ve wanted to be married all these bachelor years? What happened to your claims that work was all you needed, work and a few dalliances on the side?’
‘That was all I needed while I waited for the woman I wanted. The marriage part I didn’t know about until we were together, then it all became clear. I wanted to tell you the news personally, I’ve only just left her parents’ house, we’ve been celebrating. Thought I’d keep celebrating over the phone with you.’
They talked some more about his fiancée and about the wedding, Nick, trying to adjust to the news, still being genuinely pleased to accept James’s invitation to be best man.
‘And you, what’s up? Broken any vows? Still in over your head with your complicated girl? Where are you now with all that?’
Where was he? Funny, that was the question he’d been asking himself just as James had rung. He didn’t give the answer that sprang readily to his lips: that it had all come undone in a mind-blowing fashion with his ‘complicated girl’. That although he thought he understood why she’d considered Philip’s offer, however briefly, and although he no longer even blamed her for it, the damage had been done. She’d considered another man’s offer and turned his, Nick’s, down.
There was really no going back from there.
He didn’t say any of that. Instead, he gave the answer he should be elated by, but which left him feeling strangely flat. ‘I’m where I wanted to be.’ He filled James in on how the partnership issues had resolved.
‘You don’t sound too happy about it.’
He’d clawed his way here from the depths of near bankruptcy. Sweat, toil, sacrifice—that had been his catch-cry. What wasn’t there to be happy about?
‘And,’ continued James, ‘you didn’t answer me about your complicated girl.’
‘It’d take too long and I’ve got a dinner to get back to.’
‘I take it from that all is not well on the love front. So tell me, you’ve got to where you wanted to be and found it’s lonely at the top?’
‘I’m hardly at the top. Yet. But, yeah, all it needs is hard work and focus, not miracles, and I’ll get there.’
‘But is it worth it? That’s what you’re asking yourself. No need to deny or confirm, I know it is because you are exactly where I was a couple of years ago, so focused on my career path I didn’t think what I was doing it for. Once the penny dropped, it took another long, lonely year and more before I got my girl.’ There was a moment’s pause before he added, ‘You don’t sound great, Nick, mate. Think it over. Are you sure whatever’s happened can’t be sorted?’
They ended the call then, Nick promising to make it over to Perth for the engagement party in two months’ time.
He stood for a moment, absent-mindedly tapping his mobile against his leg as he looked o
ut unseeingly across the quiet city street. Was it worth it? He hadn’t stopped to think whether it would be lonely at the top. He knew now he’d make it, he didn’t doubt that.
But what would be waiting for him when he got there?
Rosie and the children were still in the habit of heading to the beach on Sunday mornings, even though Nippers’ season was finished. Ally had joined them today but although she and Rosie were power-walking, they had no chance of keeping up with the twins, who were racing ahead of them with their new puppy, Lolly. Both children were shrieking with laughter as Lolly ran circles around their ankles and Rosie smiled as she watched. Getting Lolly had been the only good idea she’d had in the last month since kissing Nick had sent them all hurtling towards this mess.
‘It’s been years since I saw this time of day unless I’d stayed up all night,’ said Ally. ‘Now here I am, exercising at the crack of dawn. Amazing what wanting to impress a man can do when the man is a personal trainer.’
Rosie laughed. ‘It’s eight o’clock, not exactly the crack of dawn, but it’s nice to finally have you on a schedule that works with mine.’
‘Talking about your schedule, when are you going to pencil in some time to look at some Internet dating sites? It’s perfect for you. You can surf the web while the kids are asleep, no need for a babysitter.’
‘Thanks for the tip but—’
Ally held up her hands but didn’t break stride. ‘I know, I know, you only want Nick. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard you say that over the past fortnight but what are you planning to do about it? I think it’s time you stopped wallowing in self-pity.’
‘I’m not—’
‘Yes, you are. You’re sitting around pining, hoping he’s going to come begging. But as far as he’s concerned, you dumped him, saying it was for the twins’ sake, but you were still prepared to consider Philip’s offer. I know, I know.’ Ally held up a hand to stall Rosie’s protest. ‘You didn’t really consider it, but he doesn’t know that.’ Ally was puffing now but obviously that wasn’t going to stop her. ‘I hate to be the one to tell you this but if there’s any begging to be done, it’ll have to be done by you. Besides, you can’t use the twins as an excuse any more, they’re both doing great.’
Ally was right. Rosie looked ahead to the twins, now tumbling on the sand with Lolly. That was the bright spot in the mess she’d made. Charlie and Lucy were doing well. Once she’d convinced them none of them were leaving Sydney and she was not getting back with Philip, things had steadily improved. Charlie was talking to her again, as if nothing had ever happened. He was even talking to Ally and occasionally answered other adults when they addressed him.
They’d turned out to be a lot more resilient than she’d realised, just like Nick had suggested all those weeks ago. To a passer-by, they’d seem like normal, happy kids. And then she realised something: they were normal, happy kids.
And normal, happy kids didn’t need her to sacrifice her own happiness for no good reason.
An image of her future appeared in her mind’s eye, the future she wanted rather than the future she was looking at now. She sighed out loud. The chances of anything changing were highly unlikely.
‘What is it?’ Ally wanted to know.
‘What’s the point in begging? Why would he give me another chance?’ She shuddered as she recalled how badly she’d handled the evening of the twins’ disappearance. ‘I wouldn’t.’
‘Rubbish. All you did was put the twins first, there’s no harm in that. If he’s half the man you’ve led me to believe he is, he’ll understand. What he shouldn’t put up with is you giving him the run-around. Talk to him, explain what happened. You’re a good person, you deserve to be happy. What’s the worst that can happen?’ She wagged a finger at Rosie. ‘And I’ve just thought of another thing, maybe the biggest thing.’ She stressed the last two words. ‘I think you gave up Nick exactly because you were in love with him, and you thought denying yourself was part of looking out for the twins.’
Had she?
‘I always said,’ continued Ally, ‘your over-baked need to put everyone else first would get you nowhere.’
Was that what she’d done?
She thought it over. It was so simple it made perfect sense. She’d thought she was putting the twins first by ending things with Nick. Now they were coping better than she was. Had her refusal to factor her own needs and wants into her decisions brought them all dangerously close to disaster?
If she’d used some of Ally’s simple logic weeks ago, they would surely have avoided at least some of the later, horrid events. She’d taken something that could have been quite simple and stirred it into a horrible, complicated mess. To a large degree because of her entrenched habit of putting herself last.
Selflessness the road to self-destruction? It was sure looking that way now.
‘Ally?’
‘You want that website address?’
Rosie gave her a little shove. ‘No, I’m wondering if you can do me a favour.’
Ally listened, her grin widening as Rosie explained. When she’d finished Ally gave her a quick hug before cupping her hands around her mouth and yelling to the children, ‘Last one to the point is a rotten egg.’
And the last Rosie saw was Ally, the children and one overexcited puppy, sprinting towards the far end of the beach. The sound of their squeals followed her from the beach and it felt like they were wishing her luck.
She wished she didn’t need it.
But she knew how much she did.
CHAPTER TWELVE
IT WAS rare for Nick to sleep in but according to his watch it was almost nine o’clock. He rolled over and pulled the pillow over his head to block out the pounding. He should have refused that last brandy at last night’s practice dinner. And he shouldn’t have stayed out so damn late trying to act like he was on top of the world and disprove James’s comment that he wasn’t doing so great. Not when he hadn’t had a decent night’s sleep in weeks. Still, he hadn’t overindulged so it was strange to have this pounding sensation.
It finally twigged. The banging wasn’t in his head, someone was knocking on the front door. Easing out of bed, he threw on an old pair of shorts, and, still wiping a hand over his face to wake himself up, he pulled open the door, blinking in the morning sun.
When he saw who it was he blinked again, but she didn’t disappear so it seemed he was awake, not dreaming.
Rosie.
He might have said her name out loud, he wasn’t sure. She might have said his name, he really didn’t know. All he knew was it was Rosie, long after he’d given up hope of seeing her again.
God, she was beautiful. He’d been trying to forget that, but here she was, proof positive. She was beautiful and apparently she was nervous. She was chewing on her lower lip and shifting from foot to foot as she stood on his front doorstep. Time stood still, as though they existed in a time warp. They were motionless, enchanted, and for a single long moment he simply looked at her.
‘I…’ She stopped, swallowed and started again. ‘Would you like to walk to the beach and have one of these?’ She was holding two paper cups of coffee, and held one out to him. ‘With me?’ She added the rider tentatively, as if it might be the thing that made him refuse.
He took the cup and met her gaze. She didn’t look away, although a hint of red coloured her cheeks. At this point he had no idea why she was there. He had no clue. But it didn’t matter. None of that was important. He’d figure it out later. He grabbed his keys, his sunglasses and a T-shirt that was flung over a chair in the hall and pulled the door shut behind him.
‘Where are the children?’
‘At the beach with my friend Ally.’
The girl from the gallery, he remembered her. Rosie didn’t speak again until they arrived at the beach, although she sent frequent glances his way. They sat on the sand and Nick had a brief flashback to the day he’d met her. It seemed a lifetime ago.
He drained his coffee in one lo
ng gulp then sat back, shoving his hands behind him to support his weight. It was killing him to wait, wondering why Rosie had turned up, but he stretched out his legs and dug his toes into the sand, raised his face to the sky and shut his eyes as he drank in the warmth, pretending he had all the time in the world. It was killing him but a man had his pride and he wasn’t about to beg for details.
She sat beside him. Hiding behind her sunglasses, she faced the water, not him. ‘I owe you an apology.’
She took a deep breath. ‘That night,’ she began, ‘when the twins ran away, everything came crashing down. I got everything wrong, every last thing. And most of all I let you leave without making you understand what had happened. I didn’t think I deserved a chance to explain.’
‘I’m listening now.’ He heard the challenge in his voice. He was listening, but would what she said be worth hearing?
‘You were right, I was careless. Charlie and Lucy overheard part of my conversation with Philip. They jumped to the conclusion I was going to move to Canberra but they also concluded that I was leaving them behind. They thought if they ran away I wouldn’t be able to leave. I’d have to stay and find them.’ Just the mention of Philip’s name got his jealousy boiling again but he kept quiet. He’d hear her out.
‘It was the same thing that was bothering them when Charlie saw you and I kissing.’
A dark pink flush covered her cheeks, camouflaging her freckles. She’d never looked more gorgeous. He steeled his heart. She hadn’t said anything that changed anything. Not yet.
‘They were terrified I’d leave them. They thought we’d be like their parents, go away together, without them, and not come back. And you were right about other things as well.’
‘Yes?’ He was having trouble focusing now she’d reminded him of the night they’d kissed and all those sensations came flooding back. The image was vivid. And distracting.
‘I did, very briefly, consider Philip’s suggestion because he could offer us stability. Not in a financial sense, it was never about that, but I’d managed to convince myself it was my duty to give the twins back as much as I could of what they’d lost. Including a family. I thought doing the right thing by the twins meant denying my own needs, like that would prove I was doing a good job as their guardian. I think I let you go in part to prove that. That because I wanted you so much, I shouldn’t have you. And since I didn’t want Philip, I thought I should think about his proposal, like the mere fact I wasn’t interested myself must mean it was the right thing for the twins.’
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