“I didn’t know Sherman knew about the men. I—I’m so sorry.”
I shake my head. “You know I’m no one to judge.” Especially now that I’m sleeping with your son, who’s eight years younger than I am. God.
“I—I—I’m sorry, Moira. I did that. I did—I shouldn’t have—”
“We all do things we regret. That’s life.” I lean forward and smile. “Listen, I’ll try to think of something to occupy your boys. So you can just rest, sit in your bed and watch too much Netflix. Or do whatever you need to do to regroup. You are strong enough to get through this, but you need some time to…think.”
“Yes.” She nods. “You don’t mind trying to get the boys out of my hair? Just for today. I swear, I’ll try to get back to my old self soon.”
The thing is, with divorce you never get back to your old self. You find yourself, one day, awake when you didn’t realize you’d been sleeping. And you have no idea who you are.
I’m a liar. In life, I seem like a docile ex-wife who’s got my shit together, above reproach from gossip. But in my head, I swear and scream at my ex; I swear just to describe things; I’m messy and don’t give a flying fuck who knows; oh, and I fuck men. Somehow what’s in my head is starting to transfer to my real life, like Tyler Durden in the Fight Club.
Jesus, if I start picking fights on the street I don’t know what I’ll do.
And I don’t know how to tell Eva about this part, where her old self may no longer exist. Maybe it will be different for her, not so…Tyler Durden-ish.
So I nod and smile, wanting to do anything for my friend, not really knowing how to distract two grown men. Well, one of them I could distract with sex. And that would distract me too. Such a lovely distraction. But what to do with surly Shane?
* * *
I tiptoe out of the room, after Eva’s closed her eyes with the washcloth on her forehead. I’ll get her some lemonade, maybe see if she has some Gatorade because that helps with a hangover too, and see if there’s some dry food like toast or crackers she might be able to stomach soon. Walking down the hallway, I hear the clanking of pots being washed in the kitchen when I’m yanked by my elbow into one of the guest rooms.
I’m tamping down my giggles as I push against the firm chest I’d smacked into, but that’s when I realize this body isn’t as tall as what I’ve, overnight, grown accustomed to. I swallow, glancing up at Shane.
He licks his lips. His bottom one is slightly fuller than the top, a dusky pink color and diverts my attention for a second.
“Sorry.” His voice is low, quiet. “I pulled you too hard…I…”
I try to gain some distance, hoping I’m not quite giving him the wary look I want to. He’s still holding my elbow, but I straighten and take my hand from his body.
“Moira, I’m so sorry I said—”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. I’m being an asshole and the last thing I want to do is be an asshole to you.”
I shake my head and try to gain even more distance. “I’m fine. It’s fine.”
He’s somehow closer to me. Too close, and I have to put my hand on his chest again, trying to lean away.
“I was a fucking moron last night, saying…I’m sorry. You’re not a cougar.”
“I am older than you.”
“By what? Two years?”
“Five.”
“Really?” He cocks his head to the side and scrutinizes my face.
I purse my lips.
He grimaces. “I’m fucking doing it again. Everything that comes out of my mouth when you’re around is wrong. I—I’m not this much of an asshole.”
“It’s fine, Shane.”
He pulls me nearer, but I’m already too close. This—me holding his chest, him holding my arm and pulling me nearer and nearer—is now intimate. I have to put my other hand on his chest, trying to hold onto some kind of ground.
“It’s not fine. How can I make this up to you?”
I shake my head, confused because Shane’s eyes are growing darker. He’s periodically glancing down at my lips, even when I’m not talking.
“Everything’s fine.” I shake my head, trying to push myself away.
“I want to make this up to you.”
“You don’t—”
“You don’t understand. It’s killing me that I’ve…insulted you. Twice now. I have to do something.”
His heart is beating fast under my palm. He’s warm. Very warm. And leaning forward.
“Okay,” I huff. “Apology accepted. We’re fine, Shane. Everything’s great between us.”
“Don’t fucking lie to me.” He winces as soon as he’s said it.
“Don’t fucking tell me what to do.”
He nods. “Never again. Sorry. Jesus, what’s wrong with me?”
I swallow, trying to think. God, my mind’s in a haze, not sure what to make of Shane, not sure what he’s doing.
I try to push on his chest again, thinking of Eva, only a bedroom away. “You and Joe want to come over to my house?”
I don’t want Shane near me. I don’t want Shane in my house. But I made a promise to my friend. And I intend to keep my promises.
Shane cocks a dark brow. Where Joe’s blond and golden, Shane is too, but it’s dark. His brown hair is like dark clover honey. His eyes are brown but, again, there’s so much gold that his eyes look metallic.
“You want me in your house? With your kids?”
He knows things about me and I’m surprised. I shouldn’t be because I don’t keep the fact that I’m a mom a secret, but I’m still shocked.
“They’re with their dad this weekend.”
“That happen a lot?”
I shake my head. “Once a month.”
He inhales slowly. “You want my brother and me to come over to your house?”
I nod, hoping I look inviting. “See, I told you everything between us is good. Come over. Hang out. We could watch a movie.”
His dark brows knit together. He’s trying to figure me out, but he can’t. I don’t even know who I am right now.
He straightens, towering over me. He’s not as tall as his brother, but he’s bigger than me all the same. After another long breath, he says, “Okay.” Finally, he lets me go and smiles. He waves toward the door and does the damnedest thing, placing his warm fingertips at the small of my back, ushering me to leave the room.
What I’ll never admit, maybe not even to myself, is that as I walk, I realize my panties are wet.
11
“What do you mean I can’t tell my brother about us?” Joe hisses as he’s putting away my chafing dishes in the cabinet.
I’d usually have to get the step ladder out to put everything away. But he’s so tall it’s easy for him. And when he stretches, his t-shirt lifts, revealing two bricks of his abdominal muscles.
He gives me a half smile. “Like what you see, baby?” He’s noticing me noticing him, his gray gaze darker than normal.
I blink and try not to smile, biting my lip. “Just don’t tell him.”
Joe’s sensual lips stretch into a thin line. “Why?”
“He’ll tell Eva.”
Joe shakes his head. “No, he won’t. I trust my brother. I—”
Running water lets me know Shane’s almost done in the bathroom, making me panic. “Please.” I grip one of Joe’s forearms, a little startled by how hard he is.
Joe sighs. “Listen, I don’t know what his deal is, being so…weird around you. But that guy who yelled at you and you yelled at him in my mother’s bedroom isn’t my brother. He’s actually a good guy. You can trust him.”
“Just not yet.” I whip my hand away when I hear a door opening. “Please.”
Joe purses his lips. “You know I’m a sucker for the pleases.”
I smile.
“Fine.”
I smile wider and bounce to my toes. “Thanks, big guy. Can you stuff the other chafing dish up there too? Please?”
“Moira putting
you to work already?” Shane asks, coming into view, glancing down at my legs. Or feet. I’m not sure.
I take a step back from Joe, hoping I’m not blushing too much.
“Yep,” Joe says, casually. “Putting things away for the lady.”
Shane leans his hip against my island counter, crossing his ankles casually. He’s so close to where Joe had first gone down on me. I lick my lips without meaning too, thinking of how Joe and I had sex right where he’s standing.
“Need help?” Shane asks.
I cross my arms. “Nope. Joe put everything away. But thank you.”
“Sure.” Shane crosses his arms too. “My mom asked you to get me out of her hair, didn’t she?”
Shane’s more perceptive than I thought. I look down at my bare feet. I’m so used to being without socks or shoes in my own house I don’t even remember when I took them off.
“Shit,” Joe drawls. “She did, didn’t she? Me too? She’s kicking me out of the house too?”
I turn and march around my kitchen island, thinking how to change the subject. I don’t want to be the one to tell them what they already suspect. “Want to watch a movie?”
“You’re the worst liar I’ve ever seen.” Shane snorts. He’s smiling at me even if he is calling me a liar.
“I’m not lying.” I jut my chin out.
“No, not yet.” Shane shakes his head. “But you can’t answer us without wanting to lie for my mother, can you?”
I look up at the ceiling, refusing to answer. “I have a ton of cartoon movies. But I’m sick of those. You want to watch some adult-rated movies?”
Joe’s eyes widen as do Shane’s.
I suck in a breath. “I mean adult movies, R-rated movies. Where there’s swearing and action. Things getting blown up. Movies I can’t watch with my kids. That’s all I mean.”
Shane softly chuckles. “We can watch R-rated movies or porn. Lady’s choice.”
I can’t help but smile, somehow liking the Shane who’s in my house more than I thought I would.
“You made her blush,” Joe says, smiling.
“Was it the word porn?” Shane gives his brother a conspiratorial grin.
“Look.” Joe laughs. “It is the word porn. She’s blushing more.”
I cover my cheeks. “Stop it, you jerks.”
Joe and Shane stalk closer, their eyes narrowing, getting ready for the kill, it looks like.
“Methinks the lady has a penchant for naughty words.”
Joe nods. “I’m pretty sure she does.”
“I’m not a complete prude.” I take a few steps away from them as they keep approaching. “I’ve heard the word porn before. And I’m not blushing.”
Shane points at me. “Ah, but you are. In fact, you’re blushing even more.” He looks at his brother. “She’s turning such a pretty pink.”
Joe nods again. “Hmm, I think we should list off some words and see how pink we can make her.”
“You two are mean.” I point a finger at them as I keep walking backwards.
Shane laughs. “That’s your defense? Calling us jerks was much better.”
“I can think of some names to call you.”
“Bring it on, Moira,” Joe challenges.
“Jennifer.”
Both brothers stop in their tracks, cocking their heads almost identically, their brows drawn similarly too. And I start laughing.
“It’s something my son started,” I explain. “He’s very literal and he knows that calling people names isn’t nice. So when he gets mad at his little sister, he calls her Jennifer, which drives her crazy.” I notice Joe and Shane have stopped smiling. “Oh, forget it. It’s hilarious even if you can’t appreciate it.”
Shane grins and steps forward again. “It is hilarious. Brilliant. I love it.” He looks at his brother. “Jennifer.”
“No, you’re the Jennifer around here,” Joe teases.
They get it. They understand an inside joke made by my son.
I’m guarded about my children, probably like all mothers are. But I know I’m a tad hyper-vigilant too. See, I understand my children, but I’m not sure if even their father gets them. I always worry that Tony won’t allow them to be who they are. Already whenever Jamie comes home from a dad visit, he needs to sleep for twelve hours or more, and cries so much more than normal. He’s super sensitive, getting easily frustrated for the first couple days when he comes back. I worry he feels too much pressure to be who his father wants him to be, rather than the wonderful boy I know and love.
Liv…gosh, she’s going to be who she is no matter what. She could care less what her father thinks. Or me. And for that I love her all the more.
But Jamie, sweet sensitive Jamie, he worries. He worries what people think and what they say about him. He’s an anxious kid whose own dad doesn’t quite understand how to keep him calm.
So the fact that Shane and Joe both get my kid, especially my sweet sensitive son, makes my heart feel so warm, so happy.
“Miss your kids?” Shane’s voice is deep, his eyes assessing me.
I nod and look down at my toes again. “I feel like parts of me are missing when they’re gone.”
His smile is something I’ve never seen from him. It’s warm and…well, I don’t know what more it is. But there is something else there.
I swallow, not sure how I feel about this new Shane.
“All right.” Joe throws his hands in the air dramatically. “We’ll have to watch porn with Moira to distract her from missing her kids.”
“Oh, all right.” Shane smiles, feigning he’d be miserable to watch porn with me. “The sacrifices I’m already making for you.”
* * *
We watch a lot of action-packed movies, eating popcorn and gummy bears, drinking Kool-aid, and lounging on my couch until it gets dark. Somewhere in there we ate pizza too. And, god, did we talk. Not about anything specific, but a little about favorite foods, what we read, what kind of TV we watch, and a bit about Joe and Shane when they were kids, growing up in Laramie. My stomach’s upset from all the junk food, but, oh, it’s so good to overdose on grease and sweets sometimes.
My eyes are drooping as we’re watching robots fight to save the world when a knee rests against mine. Only, it’s not the one on my left, which I know is Joe’s. My lids pop open as a warm hand touches the same knee.
“You getting tired, Moira?” Shane’s voice is soft but still deep. His hand on me squeezes affectionately.
I sit up and in the process gain a little distance from him. “Sorry. I guess I am.”
He smiles at me, and I have to look at Joe. I don’t know why I have to look at Joe, but I do. He’s looking at his brother with something dark passing through his gray gaze.
Shane shrugs, picking up my remote and pausing the movie, already so acquainted with my house to do that. “It’s okay. We should go.”
“No, you can stay and watch the movie. How will you know if the world survives if you don’t?”
Joe chuckles as does Shane.
“No.” Shane reaches out and squeezes my knee again. “We should go. You look tired.”
“But—” how can I ask them to stay away from their mom’s house? Maybe I shouldn’t have agreed to help Eva so much. Yet again, I feel put into a spot where nothing good can come of it. “But—” I’m still struggling with words then blurt out, “Where are you staying tonight?”
Shane blinks and I glance at Joe, who’s gaze shifts to slightly glassy. He’s thinking about sex. With me. And now I am too. I can’t help but remember being on top of him, with his hard length so far inside me, making me come over and over again.
Shane takes in a long breath. “Well, I was going home. I should have gone home to unpack anyway.”
“But Eva’s—”
Shane’s hand on me squeezes tighter. “I bought a house, about a mile outside of town.”
“You bought a house?”
“Bro—” Joe sniffs, “—you should have told me you had st
uff to unpack. Let me help.”
I look at Joe. “You knew he bought a house?” Then I glance back at Shane. “But what about your doctorate? You have to finish that.”
“My mom told you a lot, huh?”
“Does your mom know you bought a house here? That you’re moving back without getting your doctorate?”
Joe’s hand caresses my shoulder. “He has his doctorate. My wicked smart brother argued his dissertation a few months ago.”
I turn more toward Shane, hoping he’ll remove his hand from my knee, and wishing I didn’t like it so much when he did touch me. “You haven’t told your mom?”
He shrugs and smiles, not answering.
“Why?” I ask.
Joe stretches his arm behind me, touching his brother’s shoulder. “Mom and Dad have been busy with their own shit. So why bother?”
“You haven’t told your dad either? Oh my god.”
“Like my brother said,” Shane says coolly. “Why bother?”
I frown at Shane, feeling like I’m at a tennis tournament with repeatedly turning from Joe to Shane and back again to carry out this conversation. “Because he’ll be so proud of you.”
Shane narrows his eyes. “I’m teaching at the community college, not the university. I doubt he’d be proud.”
I smack him on his hard chest. “Don’t say that. I’m sure he’d be proud of you. Hell, I’m proud of you and I don’t even know you.”
He smiles. “It’s cute when you swear. You blush a little.”
I smack him harder. “Don’t patronize me, asshat.”
Shane chuckles but slowly shakes his head. “Besides, I want the folks to pay attention to Joe.” He stretches his arm on top of Joe’s, touching his brother’s shoulder. “He’s been gone for almost eight years. I mean, sure, he’s had leave and gotten to come home here and there, for a few weeks at a time. But Joe’s back. And he’s fucking alive. That’s what we should be celebrating.”
“Thanks, asshat,” Joe says and pokes his brother’s shoulder.
Shane squints his eyes. “That’s Jennifer. Remember?”
I laugh at the brothers on my couch. They’re funny and mellow together. They know each other’s jokes and how to make them funnier. Plus, they like my son’s inside joke and keep going with it. I like them.
Awake: Book 3 of the Wild Love Series Page 10