Somehow, though, I stay glued to my bed, snuggling in deep under my comforter, smiling at this rare moment of privacy, and feeling comfortable with the person who is with my children. I don’t even feel this comfortable with Tony watching them. As I close my eyes, I catch Liv giggling loudly. But suddenly Joe’s kissing my lips.
I wrap my arms around his neck, pushing my tongue in his mouth, trying to pull him down to me.
Joe has to peel himself away, slightly chuckling. “You get horny when you can sleep in?”
“Oh, yes.”
He smiles down at me. “I’ll let you sleep in more often then. Oh, and cats out of the bag, Moira. Your kids know about us now.”
I can’t help but keep my grin in place as I nod.
“That means it’s just a matter of time before everyone else knows.”
I swallow and try to keep smiling, my heart pounding as I think about what he’s just said.
Joe looks down at his chest, frowning. “I’m going to do a fuck-lot of pushups. Jesus, Liv got me self-conscious with the comment that my chest is like yours.”
I chuckle. “You know she was talking about the hair thing.”
He smiles. “You like this chest?” He stretches up and flexes like he’s trying out for Mr. Olympia. The thing is, I know Joe’s just joking around, but he’s so sexy. His chest bulges and the muscular striations make fine shadows along his body.
I sigh. “You’d better leave to make those pancakes. Because if you keep that up, I won’t let you go.”
He laughs and reaches down for another kiss. “Okay, but…how do you make pancakes?”
I chuckle and realize I can’t really sleep in. “I guess, that means I’ll make the pancakes then.”
He cringes and helps me out of bed. “Yeah, sorry. But you show me how then I’ll make them next time.”
I pat his chest as I walk by.
But before I step out of my room, he tugs me against him, his front to my back, and leans his head down so we’re cheek-to-cheek. “I have to say it. I’ve been dying to say it for too long.” He inhales. “I’m so happy. You make me happy. Your kids make me happy. And I love you.”
I turn and wrap my arms around his neck. The words slip out before I know what I’m doing. “I love you too.”
The thing is, I do. I really love him. He makes me happy too. My kids are happy with him as well. I knew it the first night we were together that he was special and I needed him so much. I knew I would fall in love with him, even though he was so off-limits because of…
God, what’s Eva going to think?
What’s Shane going to think?
26
A month drifts by. In that time, I called Glen and told her I wasn’t sure about taking a job because I’ve never had daycare for my daughter, that it might take some time for Liv and me to adjust. I heard her spouse, Betty, in the background, telling me to bring Liv along. So I did. And now Liv and I manage the grocery store. Both Betty and Glen adore Liv, and my daughter, who doesn’t understand why her own grandmother doesn’t remember her, worships the grocery owners. They dote on her, the way I always dreamed my mother would.
Jamie’s in first grade and has made a best friend with an adorable boy, Spenser, who wears thick smudged glasses and likes to play as quietly as Jamie does. Spenser is even-keeled like my son, and they mellowly have the time of their lives together.
God, Liv and I miss Jamie during the day, which is one reason why I’m so grateful for Glen and Betty and the store. Liv has already started learning how to stock bananas and other fruit that’s not so easy to bruise. She also greets the customers and asks if she can help them find something. Rather, she tells them what they need, and it’s usually cookies on aisle seven.
It might sound simplistic to want to run a grocery store. I guess, I’m a simple girl. But there’s something about the small store, something about giving purple potatoes to people that makes me feel like I’m doing something great. Yes, I suppose that is simple. But I need ordinary in my life since I want to drink daily, have an ex-husband who still tries to call me every day, have a lover who is angry at me because we’re still a secret, and another man who’s always there in the back of my mind, in my heart.
Liv and I started a small winter garden in Shane’s huge six and-a-half acre plot. Our cabbages are already growing and happy, even if they have less than a month more to flourish. Yes, the Wyoming growing season isn’t long, but that’s why I’m so excited about the greenhouse. Joe’s been building it with Shane. Jamie, Liv, and I have seen the whole construction of it, and it’s almost done. Liv and I helped with hammering and getting in the way a lot. Jamie helped after school. He’s great with measuring. And I don’t know why, but it feels natural for all of us to be together—Shane and Joe, Jamie and Liv, and me. We eat together daily—dinner usually, joking, laughing, talking, sharing, and just…being with each other.
However, I can’t help but wonder if Joe’s growing tired of it. Or if I’m hurting myself and Shane more than I ought to by being around him.
Joe took a couple weeks off from his job, but he’s back, working construction. I’m not sure if he likes it at all. And it bothers me that he might be doing it to prove something to me. I can’t help but wonder if men are hardwired to want to provide for their loved ones. Or at least Joe is. He even comes over to the grocery store and helps me from time to time. I worry he’s hurting himself, working too hard.
Shane loves teaching at the community college. His dad, upon discovering that his son had earned his PhD and was back in Laramie working for the small college rather than the university, tried to give him a job. But Shane would have none of it. He works with non-traditional students. Mainly people who might know more than him about matters of life and living. He likes the give and take of his classes, where he feels he’s learning as much as his students are.
Shane and I laugh and talk and joke around, as if we’d never had our one romantic kiss. We act like we can handle being around each other every day without touching. But, sometimes, when Joe and my kids aren’t around, Shane holds me. I breathe him in. He always smells clean and masculine—sandalwood and leather. Slightly like Joe, but different, and it makes me cringe with shame that I like both scents so much. We don’t kiss. We don’t talk in those rare moments when we’re alone. We just hold each other until one of us starts shaking. Then we separate. Painfully.
The problem is I like being with Shane. I like gardening with him. I like being in his house and helping remodel the kitchen—I found an old-fashion copper sink that I bought, trying to install it myself because it had to go in his house. I like sitting on his porch and talking to him, Liv nestling into him while on his lap. Sometimes, he recites poems. After he’s done, he always asks if he’s unbearably pretentious. I shake my head and smile, telling him I love it when he whispers Kay Ryan’s poetry. And I do. I’m afraid I might...Can you fall in love when you’re already in love?
I am in love with Joe. Deeply. Madly. He’s a beautiful man who I adore. My children adore. He understands my children and doesn’t ask them to be someone different. I think he understands me and doesn’t judge. I’ve told him that I’m an alcoholic. But when I was confessing, I felt even more traitorous because I had told his brother first.
Joe’s hinting about a wedding. Not so subtle hints. He asked, “If you ever got married again, would you want a big ceremony or something little?”
I blinked and said teasingly, “I’m not sure I want to get married. I like being a dirty hippy.” Which is what Glen calls us now. Then I switched subjects. “You know, during the Victorian times, they called a woman who lived with a man a prostitute. Common law marriage is a late-twentieth century thing.”
“That’s terrible, calling a woman that just because she’s living with the man she loves.” He tsked and shook his head.
What I don’t tell him, or anyone, is how I want to slap such a label on myself. Call me a slut or whore or whatever because I despise myself and th
e way I feel about his brother.
There’s so much that’s happened in this last month that’s been bittersweet. But the one bright and shining positive event was when Bit and Lona started dating. My petite friend is happier than I’ve ever seen her, making me gleeful just because she is.
Due to Tony needing to finish a job and firing his foreman at the same time, he had to skip his usual weekend, but took the kids a few weeks later, looking tired but happy to see Liv and Jamie. He hugged me too when he picked up our children. I made sure that Joe and Shane were nowhere around. However, I do worry that Liv or Jamie will say something to their father about Joe having sleepovers every night. I’ll never ask them to lie for me. I don’t want them to know the power of the sickness of carrying certain secrets. So, when Tony hugged me, I held onto him, wondering if it would be the last time he might be civil toward me.
Joe and I make love almost as soon as Tony leaves with my kids. We’re loud too, clinging to each other in a maddening attempt to relieve the tension that I bring to the relationship. I don’t mean to bring it. I just wonder how to shake away my feelings for Shane. It’s not just that I’m attracted to Shane. Anyway, I think attraction can wane. It did for me regarding Tony. I see him as a very attractive man still. But I’m no longer drawn to him like a moth to a flame, ready to kill myself for a touch.
After a shower, Joe and I grab odd combinations of leftovers and eat on the kitchen island while standing and chuckling. I’m wearing one of his oxfords, which I swim in. He keeps trying to lift the bottom hem. I’m not wearing panties, and I love this flirty game of him chasing me and I get away just in time to show him a tiny bit of my bum, then we eat a little and do it all over again. He’s wearing his jeans, and, god, I love how the top button isn’t done up. I love how his jeans are lower than usual, revealing a dark line of hair under his bellybutton.
He’s eating an herb-crusted chicken wing while I’m munching on cold fried potatoes when he asks, “Want to go over to Shane’s in a bit?”
I choke, which I can’t believe I do. He has to come over and smack my back it’s so bad, and I’m gulping down water to try to free the potato stuck in my throat. That, and shame’s lodged in there pretty good too.
I shrug while trying to dry my wet eyes. “Do you want to? I mean, without Liv and Jamie?”
He smiles down at me. It’s such a gentle, sweet grin, making my heart pinch. “Yeah, we can swear and shit now.”
I chuckle because he really doesn’t swear all that much. Except when he’s frustrated or joking around, like now.
He shrugs himself. “I mean, you have the day off. I have the day off. Shane has the day off—”
“I just thought—” I swallow, hoping I sound normal. “I thought we’d spend today together. Alone. Together. That doesn’t make sense.”
His smile widens. “I got you. You want it to be just us?”
I nod and look down at the potatoes. As much as I want to be a part of Shane’s life, as much as I want his farmhouse to be my own, I’m betraying Joe, who I love and adore. And I think it’s best, like wine, to cut myself off from Shane. This infatuation I have for Joe’s brother can’t be good for Joe. Can’t be good for Shane. I’m being selfish with both men. Shane could find a girlfriend, a woman who would adore him as much as I do. I hate that my heart hurts so much when I think of it. I hate how jealous I become. But the fact is, I love Joe. And I want to do right by him. So maybe I should figure out a way to dislodge Shane from my life.
Joe sidles up behind me, wrapping his big arms around my stomach, holding me close. “It can be just us today, if that’s what you want?”
I nod, the back of my head against his hard chest. Glancing down at the gold hair on his forearm, I touch the muscles there that twitch and jump with every move he makes. I love this man. I love him so much. And I’m going to do right by him.
“But, ah, Shane’s finishing the greenhouse this weekend,” Joe says. He’s leaning down, trying to whisper in my ear. “And I wanted to help with that.”
“Sure.” My voice is hoarse and I’m guessing it’s not just from choking.
“You want—maybe I should go out to Shane’s. Give you some alone time. You rarely get that. Let you sleep in tomorrow.”
I turn and glance up at him, smiling. “I love you.”
His smile widens. “I love you, baby.” He tips his head down and we kiss for a long time. Just lip-to-lip. I taste the herbs from the chicken and Joe’s toothpaste. I like the mint and herbs together. I like this man so, so much.
And that means, yes, I’ll figure out how to disentangle myself from Shane. I cut myself off from him for four days once before. I can do it again. My kids might be sad for a bit and wonder why we stopped seeing him. Joe might wonder too why we’re no longer hanging out. But I’ll figure out something to say. This is the right thing to do. But my heart is just killing me.
I pull away from our kiss and go back to fingering through the potatoes, trying to pick the greasiest ones to eat, hoping that conceals my heartache.
“Moira?”
“Hmm?”
“Do you—you don’t hate Shane, do you?”
I swallow and shake my head.
“Do you like him at all?”
I still, my breath becoming shaky. “Why do you ask?”
“Because I feel like I keep forcing you to hang out with him.”
“You’re not forcing me.”
“Still, he was dick to you not that long ago. He’s still kind of weird around you. I wish he wouldn’t be. He’s a great guy, believe it or not.”
I nod, focusing on the potatoes intently. “I know. The kids love him.”
“Yeah, but he’s my brother, and I want you to like him too.”
I tense. I know I am. And I’m trying so hard not to. “I like him just fine.”
Joe snorts. “It’s so funny, you’d like this story. My mom, I’m not too sure why, probably trying to make it seem like Shane I weren’t alone so often when she was out with her boyfriends, got a babysitter when he was…how old? I was eleven so he was thirteen, fourteen. God, he was a shit to her. The way he was to you, a couple months ago, was how he treated her. Being arrogant. Saying mean things. Stuff like that.
“Her name was Abby, our babysitter, and I thought he was a total prick because he was too old to be babysat. But come to find out he had a huge crush on her. He and Abby had a relationship when Shane was in high school. It continued for years. He didn’t even tell me until he was talking about marrying her. They were together for almost eight years and no one knew. Apparently, she cheated on him. Broke his heart. He hasn’t dated since then. But he—when he falls, he falls so hard, you know?”
I blink and keep needing to swallow. I know Joe can’t see my face. But he can feel me. I’m trying to relax my muscles, but I know I’m twitching like a horse swarmed by flies.
Joe turns me around, and I try to force an easy smile. His own grin is altered, hard. His gray gaze is assessing me, studying everything about me. And I have no idea what to say.
“You knew your whole life that your mother cheated on your father?”
He nods.
“I’m so sorry about that. Do you think—do you—” I’m struggling with words, not sure what I want to ask.
He nods again. “Why else do you think I love you so much, Moira? I know you won’t do that to me. Growing up where I thought women just did that sort of thing then finding you…it’s the best gift life has ever given me.”
I’ve heard that once shot, a person doesn’t know what happened. Their body rings silent warnings that something is amiss, but what it is is beyond them. Then, with the dawning realization, there’s a flash of pain so intense that it radiates out to every surface of the body.
Joe just shot me with those words.
I’m a liar and a cheat.
I know it.
I think he knows it too.
I should say something. I should own up to what I’ve done. But all I can
do is shake my head, pain shooting through every limb, making me wonder if I can continue to stand. And, oh, my heart. God, it’s dying. Just shriveling up and dying.
Joe’s going to leave me. I can see it in his eyes.
I’ve just lost him.
He straightens, swallowing. I adore the way his Adam’s apple bobs. How the huge cords in his neck stand out. I love him so fucking much, but I lost him.
“I need to, ah, need to go on a drive.” His voice is low. Reedy.
I want to cling to him. I want to latch on to his shoulders and hang on, make him talk to me. But I’m in so much pain I just stand there, bleeding all over this moment.
“I’m going for a drive.”
I shake my head, blinking rapidly.
He turns and walks away. I follow him, right on his heels. In my bedroom, he finds one of his t-shirts and puts it on in a hurry.
I stand close to one of my bureaus, panicking. “I want you to move in.”
He looks at me, his brows furrowed, his gray eyes cold iron. “Really?”
I nod because, yes, I’ve thought about it. But why I talk about it now is beyond me. “I’ll clean out a few drawers for you. Clean out my closet.”
“And we’ll tell my mom about us?”
I nod once more.
He sips in a sharp breath. “What if I don’t want to move in here?”
Yet again, I blink fiercely, forcing my tears to subside, trying to nod, hoping that conveys that I would understand if he’d rather not be with a cheater.
“What if I want you and the kids in Shane’s house?”
At that, I’m confused and can’t help but show it.
Joe waves a big arm around my bedroom. “This is—and maybe I shouldn’t feel this way—but I can’t help but think this house is haunted by your ex. What if I want something fresh for us? Something new? Or, actually, something old, like the farmhouse?”
My mouth is open and so fucking dry. But I try to talk around it. “I understand that. I could sell this house. We could buy something—”
Awake: Book 3 of the Wild Love Series Page 26