Eva’s eyes round and get huge. “Oh my god, Moira. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have—I’m so sorry.”
“When I was pregnant?”
She shakes her head. “You said you didn’t judge me.”
I dryly laugh through my tears. “Why did you want to become my friend? How—how could you do this to me?”
Her bottom jaw wobbles. “I—I didn’t want to be your friend. But then—He always tells me how much he loves you. He always goes back to you. I was curious. Then…Sherman up and divorces my ass, making us instant pals because we’re about the only divorcees in the state.”
The instant pain of what Eva’s told me vanishes into sheer red anger. “Tony has a girlfriend now. She’s barely twenty.”
Eva shakes her head. “He doesn’t love her.”
“Has he ever told you he loves you?”
“That doesn’t matter!” she screams. Her face reddening, spittle forming in the corner of her mouth. “He won’t because he’s still so fucking loyal to you.”
“Loyal to me?” I scoff. “You know he fucked around on me. You know it firsthand. How can you say he’s loyal?”
She shakes her head turning her back on me. “He might fuck around, but it’s you he’ll always love. And I know you’re fucking him too.”
“Nope, I’m not,” I say, and something in my voice reminds me of Shane and Joe. I’m starting to sound like them. Doesn’t she notice?
She looks at me again, gritting her teeth. “Don’t fucking lie to me.”
“I’m not fucking lying to you. Not about Tony.”
Ah, she catches on so fast. Arching a brow, she asks, “What have you been lying about, then? Are you fucking Sherman too?”
“Of course not,” I holler, but any kind of self-righteousness is gone when I think of who I have been sleeping with. I straighten, admitting, “I have been keeping secrets from you.”
“Like what?”
“Like the fact that it’s so hard to listen to you talk about taking a chunk of hide out of Sherman. Don’t you think it’s a little hypocritical?” Okay, I didn’t mean to talk about this, but apparently something inside of me did.
She licks her lips, the spittle gone. “He—he left me.”
“When did you leave him, hmm? Joe said one of his first memories is of Shane taking care of him in the back of your car because you were at a hotel with one of your lovers.”
She huffs. “You and Joe sure got close while he babysat for you.”
“Yes.”
“Did you get close to my other son too?”
“Yes.”
“They tell you what a bad mother I was?”
I grit my teeth. “You know what they told me? That no matter what you did, the secrets you forced them to keep, they still love you.”
Her chin wobbles again. “They said that?”
I don’t answer because they didn’t really say that. However, I can tell they feel it. I think.
She shakes her head. “I knew you wouldn’t understand.”
“Wouldn’t understand what?”
“Oh, no, you’re too good to cheat on Tony, aren’t you? You’re too good to want to take a chunk out of Tony’s hide for fucking around on you. You don’t understand…what it’s like to be in love…with someone who will never love you back.”
I shake my head. “Sherman loved you. Hell, I think the man still has love for you. I saw it when we—” I suck in a breath, amazed I hadn’t pieced this puzzle together until then. “You’re not talking about Sherman.”
She bites her lip.
“You’re talking about my ex-husband.”
Her brows furrow.
“Oh my god, Eva. You can’t get revenge on Tony by making Sherman pay for it. I’m sorry Tony doesn’t love you. At this point, I truly am sorry about that. But, yes, I do understand what it’s like to be in love with him, my ex-husband, and not get the love, attention, or respect I deserve in return. But I don’t think he can do that for anyone.”
“He loves you.” A tear trickles down her face. “He says it almost every time we…he’s always talking about you.”
I shake my head, shrugging. “So? Look at what he did to me, Eva. The man cheated and lied almost every day of our marriage. I was the laughing stock of Laramie because I was so naive about what he was doing. Or in just plain denial.
“No, scratch that. I was fucking numb. That’s what alcohol did for me. I was subservient and neglectful about my own marriage because I’d rather have gotten numb from my wine than grow a fucking pair and have stood up to him.”
“But you did.”
I shake my head. “Not really. Not until that time you saw me at his house. We had a huge fight, where I finally had it out with him. But until then I was just toeing the line. I never called him out on his shit. I never did any of that. The only reason why we got divorced is because I told him I didn’t mind the past, what’s done is done, is what I said. But if he fucked around on me one more time…and he fucked around on me more than that one more time. So I took the last shred of dignity I had and asked for the divorce. It took me years to get over him. It took me years to get over the humiliation. Of it all. I’m sure the wine didn’t help with that.”
“You really haven’t been sleeping with Tony?” she asks, her voice small and hopeful sounding.
I almost gag, suddenly disliking her in a way I never thought I could. I shake my head. “No, I’m really not sleeping with Tony.” And then out it pops, because suddenly I have no filter. “But I’m sleeping with Joe.”
She points at her chest. “My Joe?”
I slowly nod.
I didn’t see it coming. After years of being reared by my mother, you’d think I would have a sixth sense about it, but, sadly, no. She slaps me across my cheek. Only, unlike my mother, the slap isn’t about shocking me. This one is about pain. My face is on fire and my eye stings from the impact. God, she knows how to hit. I actually see stars close to the ceiling.
I hold my cheek, flinching away from her when the doorbell chimes.
“Oh my god, don’t tell Tony I slapped you.” Her face contorts from rage to panic in a second.
I glare at her with, I’m sure, a fair amount of incredulity. “Are you fucking kidding me?” I lift my head and shout, “Come in. I’m in the kitchen.”
“Please, don’t tell Tony,” Eva whispers. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hit you. You can sleep with Joe.”
“I can sleep with Joe as long I don’t tell Tony that you hit me?”
“You hit her?” Bit’s voice booms across the kitchen, echoing in the copper pots and pans hanging over the range.
“Who the hell are you?” Eva asks.
“Who the hell are you?” Bit marches right up to Eva. She might be a few inches shorter than Eva, but she’s so not intimidated. One look at me, however, and she comes close, trying to peel my hand away from my cheek. “I don’t care who the hell you are. Just get the fuck out.”
I place my hand on Bit. “That’s Eva, my neighbor and the one friend I had before you. She’s also Joe and Shane’s mom.”
Bit’s brows furrow as she gives Eva a look over.
“Eva,” I say, because I think it’s kind of funny to try to continue to have manners after I’ve been slapped and Joe’s been propositioned to me by his own mother, “I’d like you to meet my friend Bit. She went to school with your boys.”
“Nice to meet you,” Eva says, manners strongly infused in her too, which is, oddly, making me laugh.
“It’s not fucking nice to meet you.” Bit shakes her head. “You hit my friend.”
“She—she’s sleeping with Joe.”
“So?” Bit asks.
“And you’re sleeping with Tony.” I couldn’t let that go, could I? I kind of feel bad for Eva because, apparently, I’m turning into a smart mouth. It’s the monster in me. The monster I’m starting to love.
Bit stares at me. “No.” Then she glares even more at Eva. “You’re sleeping with y
our friend’s ex-husband?”
“She started sleeping with him when I was pregnant with Liv.”
“No!” Bit shakes her head furiously.
“So you’re no longer keeping my secrets?” Eva crosses her arms over her chest. “Does that mean we’re no longer friends?”
I sigh. “I don’t know what it means, Eva. I don’t know anything anymore.” Then I think about it more. “Did you like me at all? I mean, was the purpose of being my friend only to get closer to Tony? Or just because I’m the only other divorced woman you know?”
A tear leaks from her eye. “You were very good to me.”
I take a little bit of pride in the fact that, yes, I was good to her.
“Are you going to tell Tony that I slapped you?”
Bit growls. She really does, and it kind of cracks me up. But I rein it in while I try to think of how to answer.
“I didn’t mean to slap you.” Eva looks down at her orange toenails in her gorgeous strappy sandals. Her nails are perfectly manicured to a glossy, summery hue. “I was surprised you were…with my Joe. But it makes sense. He was gone all the time. Never home. I thought he—well, he used to run around with a lot of girls. I just figured he was doing the same. You do know that he—he’s a lot like Tony. He might never love you, you know.”
Sick as your secrets, they say. But I’ll never tell Joe what his mother just said about him. This is a secret I’ll happily take to my grave because Joe never needs to know that his mother thinks so little of him and his heart. Maybe a mother doesn’t always know. Maybe, sometimes, we’re a tad too fucked up. I know I was. But I never want to be that way again.
I’m wide awake and in a lot of pain because I see my friend, my beautiful friend, and she’s hurting and lashing out at me.
“That’s funny,” Bit snorts. “I just came from hanging out with Shane and Joe. They wanted my help to pick out a ring for Moira.” Bit tilts her head to the side. “Maybe Joe’s nothing like Tony, after all.”
“A ring?” Eva’s voice is shaky.
Bit nods.
I want to ask her if she’s lying to make a theatrical impression on Eva, but I don’t want to spoil the effect. So I just stare at the side of Bit’s head, my jaw slightly open.
Eva’s mouth droops too. She blinks slowly. “I should go.”
Bit opens her mouth, but I elbow her to keep her quiet. I’m still holding my cheek, I realize, but I don’t want to let it go. Man, getting slapped by Eva hurts. If she turns into my mother-in-law, I might have to learn how to defend myself from this kind of crap. I almost break into a laugh, thinking of Eva as my mother-in-law. God, she’d hate that, which would almost make it worth it.
Yes, the monster in me loves irony.
Eva looks at me, her eyes filling with tears. “I really am sorry.”
I nod, knowing this will probably be my only apology from Eva because I don’t think she regrets sleeping with Tony when I was pregnant. So I take what I can get. “Thank you,” I say.
She takes a step away, but I stop her by saying, “Could you please take the wine with you?”
She doesn’t say anything but grabs the basket and walks out of my house. As the front door closes, I look at Bit.
“That looks so red.” She’s wincing.
“Hurts like…I don’t know what. But it hurts a lot.”
Bit opens my freezer, pulling out frozen peas and placing a dishcloth around it. “Here, let me—” After I finally let go of my cheek, she gently presses the peas to my face.
I whimper.
Bit wrinkles her nose. “Sorry.” She applies a tiny bit more pressure. “You might get a black eye.”
“She can sure hit.”
“Joe and Shane will be so pissed.”
“You weren’t really with them to help them pick out a ring?”
She closes her eyes. “They didn’t get one, but they did look. And you aren’t supposed to know that. So pretend it’s a big surprise.” My heart pounds into my sternum as she continues, “Joe first called me to talk to Lona, because he’s—okay, he told me everything.”
“Everything?”
She nods. “Well, you told me that you’d kissed Shane, and I already knew about Joe, but he asked to talk to Lona because he wanted to know the laws regarding custody, like, say, if Tony fought you because you decided to live with Shane and him.”
“He did?”
“Yeah, it’s ridiculously sweet and thoughtful, I know.”
I smile which hurts a lot, but then I have so many questions to ask. “Is there any precedence for…”
“Kind of, Lona said.” Bit nods. “There’s been a few cases, here and there. Lona loves a challenge, so she’s researching it. But she thinks that even if Tony fights you for custody, she’ll have enough to fight back. Fight fairly back, I should say. I know you. You want everything fair.”
I grin again, which makes me shake my head. “I have to stop smiling. Don’t make me laugh. It hurts too much.”
“Okay.” She grins. “But now I want to crack jokes.”
I roll my eyes but then ask, “Do you think it’s crazy if I did move in with Shane and Joe?”
Bit rolls her pale lips in, looking at me with her blue serious gaze, gauging me. “Do you know the statistics for fatherless kids?” She rolls her eyes. “Okay, I don’t know that either, but it’s not a good statistic. And if you lived with Shane and Joe, your kids would have twice as many male role models as other kids. And Shane and Joe are good guys to boot. They’re responsible and smart and caring. Do I think it’s crazy to live with them, love them? No.”
I hold her hand. “Do you think you can fall in love with two people at once?”
She shrugs. “What the fuck do I know?” She sighs. “I’m falling in love with Lona, but she’s seriously successful and pretty, and I’m—”
“You’re wonderful.” I squeeze her hand.
She gives me a weak smile. “I—ah, when I first went to rehab, back when I lived in Cambridge, I was forced to go there because I had tried to overdose. It wasn’t my first time.”
I hold onto her hand all the more, my heart hurting for her, especially as she continues, “I’ve tried to kill myself five times, but the last time, I got really close. They said I was dead for about a minute. Not breathing. No heartbeat. But I came back. I didn’t see any white lights or a tunnel, if that’s what you’re going to ask.”
I smile. “I—I don’t know what I was going to ask.” God, my friend. My lovely little dark friend was in such a horrible place and I hurt for her.
She grins then shakes her head. “It took that, dying, for me to realize how precious life can be. My parents weren’t that wonderful, but, other than you, I don’t know any parents who are good at what they’re doing. And the past is the past. It can just fucking stay there. But the future…who knows what it will be. And that’s the great part. It’s unexpected. I never thought a woman like Lona would look at me twice, let alone…we’re talking about moving in. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so happy. Or so scared. And that’s life. It’s so fragile and yet so strong, so scary and yet so rewarding.”
She flips the peas over so the cooler side rests against my aching cheek. “So I don’t know the answer you’re looking for, Moira, but my guess is you already have it. You’re just scared of it. And I don’t blame you. This love thing is…frightening. And you have two men who are in love with you. That’s got to be…”
“What do you think other people will think? I mean, I know it doesn’t matter, but…Do both Joe and Shane really love me? I can’t wrap my head around it.”
Bit nods. “You have a tough one to figure out. But I think you’ve got this, Moira. I really do.”
31
My doorbell wakes me from a deep sleep. Bit had tucked me in last night. God, I’m lucky to have such a good friend. I hope she knows that. I tell her at every opportunity how grateful I am for her, but I always worry it’s not enough.
I fell asleep with frozen
peas glued to my cheek and her softly laughing at my pajamas. I’m wearing a tent of a t-shirt that I wore a lot when I was nine months pregnant with my kids. I miss them so much, so out came the tent.
The doorbell chimes again, and I trudge my way to the door, more than a little apprehensive. If it’s Eva, I’m not sure I’m ready to talk to her. God, my cheek hurts. A lot. And I think my eye might be slightly swollen. Lovely.
It should be against the law that people can ring doorbells when the owner of the house hasn’t had her coffee yet. Yes, I’ll talk to senators about that. I’m sure it’s a sentiment that everyone could vote on. And I’ll bring this polarized nation together with my “Not before Coffee” law. There will be peace throughout the land.
I’m weird and kind of silly without coffee in the morning.
I inhale and exhale before the door, gripping the handle, hoping I have enough strength to handle whatever might come next. Without wine.
The bell chimes yet again, and I open the door with a scowl. That’s instantly replaced with a big goofy grin.
“Shane. Ow.” I cover my cheek and part of my eye.
His smile vanishes the second he sees me and he’s inside my house, pushing me back, trying to see my face for himself.
“If he did this to you, I’m going to fucking kill him.” He’s holding onto my arm with one hand, the other is gently peeling my palm away from my cheek. “Jesus.”
“Tony didn’t do this, caveman.”
“What happened? Oh, baby.” He embraces me, careful of my face, cradling me close.
Now comes the hard part. Shane already has a bad enough relationship with his mother. Do I tell him? If I do, then how much do I tell him? Yes, I do believe in the saying that you’re as sick as your secrets. But there are the rare secrets that cause more harm than good.
It’s just tough deciding which is which.
“Can you, please, close the door?” I ask when he’s pulled away and looking down at me, waiting for an answer.
He nods and leaves my body to do as I asked. As he’s distracted, I make a beeline for my lovely coffee machine, so happy it can percolate a perfect cup of coffee in less than a couple minutes. Almost to my kitchen, he catches me by my waist, pulling me against him.
Awake: Book 3 of the Wild Love Series Page 30