by John Zakour
“If I were you, I’d run now,” I told Axel, in my manliest voice, just hoping it wouldn’t squeak.
Axel just gave me a confident smile. “Why should I, the honored teacher, run from you, the pupil? You aren’t even my best pupil. In fact you aren’t in my top hundred pupils. In fact, you are a putrid puny pupil.”
I pointed behind him. “If you run you might be able to throw off the security dudes behind you,” I said.
Axel shook his head. “Yeah, right. Like I’m going to fall for that. That trick is almost as old as saying, look your sock is untied.”
On that note, the guards behind Axel fired their energy weapons at him. The force of the beams split Axel in half. Both halves fell to the ground. Axel’s bottom half just lay there harmlessly. His top half, though, was much more stubborn. It pushed itself up and glared at the guards.
“This is martial arts!” Axel shouted. “Energy weapons are cheating! I’ll crush you, even if I have to do it with my teeth!” he screamed.
He charged at the guards on a his hands. He looked kind of like a crazed crab. It was either freaky or comical or just plain sad. I guess it depends on how you look at it. The guards were taking the charge seriously. After all, a killer android is still a killer android, even if it’s legless and, in this case, mostly mindless. Bloop, being mindless probably made Axel more dangerous.
The guards locked their laser sights on Axel. The red lights from the sights dotted Axel’s broad forehead. He looked up at the dots cross-eyed. “Uh oh,” he said. “This isn’t good! Not good at all!!! Blooping cheaters!!!! There are no guns in judo!!!!!”
Those were the last words Axel uttered before the guards unloaded their weapons on him, turning him into a pile of tomorrow’s trash. Kind of sad, yet kind of fitting for the occasion.
GiS walked up to me. He gave me a little pat on the back with his foot as he looked at the scraps that used to be Axel.
“Nice job, Scout,” he said.
“Thanks,” I said.
He pointed to my non-matching top and bottom of my uniform. “You are out of uniform, though.” He turned and walked away. “I’ll let it slide this time, but if it happens again it will be two demerits.”
Chapter 5
That evening I ate dinner in my room. Normally, scouts are expected to eat together in the mess hall. It’s another one of those things they tell us builds camaraderie. We are each allowed three exceptions per semester, as long as we have a good excuse. Luckily, the commander and GiS both felt being blown up in a simulator and then going mano-a-machino against a crazed android was legit, though just barely.
My roomies Elvin and Zenna were both excused too, but they decided to be good scouts and go eat in the mess. Elvin hadn’t really done all that much in the fight, so I wasn’t much impressed that he wanted to mess with the rest of the scouts. He probably wanted to take a survey on what the other squads thought of me. I had to give Zenna credit, though, she never let anything stop her or get her down. She didn’t even need to go to the med center.
You may be thinking, wow — coed rooms! How subzero. Or you may be thinking, yuck — coed rooms! How megabarf. But once you get used to them they’re no big deal at all. Like I said, I look at Zenna as my sister, one who can easily kick my butt. Besides, nobody ever sees anything they shouldn’t. We have official white sleeping uniforms and the light blue relaxing uniforms we have to wear all the time when we’re not in our other uniforms. (In case you haven’t guessed by now this place is big on official uniforms.) If you need to change, you do so in the privacy of either the bathroom or the side changing room, which is basically just a closet with a different name.
“Scout Moon, you have a call coming in,” SC-711 said.
“You’re kidding,” I said. It was extremely rare to get calls up here except on Sunday, the official “home phone” day.
“I do not kid,” SC-711 said. “And if I did, it would certainly be something funnier than you have a call coming in…”
“Who’s the call from?” I asked.
“I did not ask,” SC-711 said.
“But I’m sure you still know,” I said.
“True,” SC-711 said.
“I’m not sure I want to talk,” I said.
“I’m sure you do,” SC-711 said.
The view screen lowered from the ceiling.
“It is Mom,” SC-711 said, not giving me any choice.
My mom’s image filled the video screen. She had dark brown hair, brown eyes and a dark complexion. A lot of people, well, most people, say I look like her.
Mom looked at me and smiled. “Hi, honey, you look tired.” That’s how Mom started every conversation with me. In this case I couldn’t argue.
“I’m a bit tired, Mom. Why’d you call?”
“I was just thinking of you,” she said. “I had a funny feeling that something was wrong.”
I shook my head. “Nope, everything is fine,” I said.
“One of my patients told me there was a little mishap up there today,” Mom said. She was an Earth Force doctor, which gave her a few connections other moms didn’t have. Today those connections were making my life more complicated. I didn’t want to lie to my mom, but I also didn’t want her to worry. I can handle myself.
I shook my head again. “Yeah, there was a little problem, but it’s over with. It had nothing to do with me.” I paused for a second. “How’s Dad?”
“He’s on location on Mars covering a story about a potential robot labor strike.” Mom looked around the room. “Where are Elvin and Zenna?” she asked.
“At the mess, eating.” I said.
“Why aren’t you eating with your squad?” she asked in typical mom fashion. (At least if your mom is an officer in Earth Force.)
“Well…” I said slowly.
“Scout Baxter J. Moon, don’t you dare lie to your mother and superior officer,” she said, quickly. Mom wasn’t big on being an officer, she considered herself a doctor who happened to work for Earth Force. Still, she didn’t mind pulling rank on me if she thought it would accomplish something.
“Okay, maybe it had a little to do with me,” I admitted.
Mom just looked at the screen. I couldn’t see her foot but I was sure she was tapping it nervously.
“But I’m totally okay now,” I said. “Some people even think I might have saved the day. I’m sure Elvin is down there now conducting a survey.”
Mom smiled. “Remember, Baxter, you can never please everybody,” she said. “Just make sure you remember to please yourself.”
“What about pleasing my mom?” I asked.
“You never have to worry about that one,” she said. “As long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”
“I’m happy, Mom. Tired, a little sore, but happy.”
“Good, what about Elvin, Zenna and GiS?”
“They are all fine.”
“How’s that Kymm girl? She’s a cute one.”
“She’s fine, too, and I haven’t noticed.”
“No lying to your mother, Scout Second Class, Baxter Moon.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Oh, tell GiS I just love that cornbread recipe he emailed me,” Mom said.
“I can’t, Mom,” I said.
“Why not?”
“Because that’s just too weird on too many levels,” I said.
Luckily, before Mom said anything else, Elvin and Zenna came in. They were both laughing. I think that made my mom feel better.
“Man, Baxter, you were the talk of the mess,” Elvin said. Zenna elbowed him in the ribs. She pointed to the vid-phone. Elvin stopped talking and starting thinking.
“Yes, they said it’s amazing that you lead such a boring life,” Elvin said, making a faint attempt to cover up. He looked up at the screen, pretending (poorly) just to notice it was on.
“Oh, hi, Dr. Moon,” he said.
“Hi, Mrs. Moon, ma’am” Zenna said, saluting. “You look lovely.”
Mom just gave us one of her
knowing mom smiles.
“I’ll let you kids talk,” she said. “I just wanted to check in. Love you,” she said.
“Love you too, Mom,” I said.
“I love you too, Mrs. Moon,” Zenna said.
“I am very fond of you as a superior officer and a second mother figure in my life,” Elvin said.
Mom blew us a kiss. The screen went blank.
Elvin went right back into spaz-squared mode. “Zappit, Baxter! You are the talk of the mess hall!” he said excitedly, barely able to contain himself. He reminded me a lot Lobi right now. Maybe they shared some DNA?
“Is that a good or bad thing?” I asked. “Mostly good, 65.345 percent to be exact. Though some of the scouts think you engineered the whole ordeal to make yourself look good.”
“Yeah, like I’m smart enough to pull something like that off,” I said.
Elvin nodded in agreement. “That’s what I told them!” he said.
Zenna sat down on her bed and pulled one of her boots off. She sniffed it. “Phew, these super-duper odor zappers seem to work,” she said with a smile of relief.
“Obviously, since Baxter and I are still standing,” Elvin said, only half kidding.
“Sorry, one of the down sides of having super strength is super foot odor,” she said as if Elvin and I weren’t already well aware of that.
Zenna took off the other boot. She sniffed it, just to be on the super safe side. She smiled again.
“Chances are roughly 99.99 to 1 that if the right one doesn’t smell neither will the left one,” Elvin said.
“A girl can never be too careful,” she said. “I guess it’s unlady-like to knock people over with foot odor.”
“So what did people think about the cause of the incident?” I asked, desperately trying to steer the conversation away from Zenna’s potential foot odor.
“Besides the ones who thought you caused it?” Elvin said.
“Yes, besides those.”
“Some think the TVTrons did it!” Zenna said. Now she was getting excited.
“The TVTrons?” I said.
For those of you who don’t know, the TVTrons are a group of semi-intelligent, automated machines that roam the galaxy, turning people into zombies and forcing them to be entertained. They don’t really call themselves TVTrons, they refer to themselves as Universal Electronic Entertainment Devices, or UEEDS. We Earthlings have nicknamed them TVTrons; it just seems more fitting. They don’t appear to be all that menacing. Actually, they look pretty ridiculous, like bizarre, old-fashioned TV sets on wheels, with robot arms on their sides. Their simple looks can be deceiving, though, because they emit some sort of radiation from their screens that drains their victims of their mental and physical energy; forcing the victims to mindlessly watch them — forever, or until they starve to death, whichever comes first. So far only deep space miners have had any problems with them. The TVTrons seem to wander around the galaxy mindlessly looking for victims or “test markets” as they call them.
“This doesn’t seem like the work of TVTrons,” I said. “Not their style.”
“Styles change,” Zenna said. “Maybe they have too.”
“One of my theories is they’ve developed a virus that infects our machines,” Elvin said. “They want to turn our machines against us. Then they think we’ll be forced to turn to them for all our entertainment and educational needs.”
“And you come up with this how?”
Elvin pointed to his head. “Remember, I think like a machine,” he said proudly.
“Interesting point,” I said as I plopped down on my bed. Though it wasn’t really all that interesting. I just didn’t want to talk about it any longer. I’ve learned the quickest way to end a conversation with Elvin is just to agree with him. Who knows? Maybe his theory was right. In an infinite universe I guess anything is possible no matter how whacked out it might seem. Bloop, I had a chimp for a boss, one roommate who’d rather compute pi than eat pie and another whose foot odor once KOed an entire shoe store.
I closed my eyes and tried to turn my brain off. It had been a long, weird day. One of the strangest days of my life. I realize I’m not all that old, but I was hoping that even if I lived to a ripe old age, today would rank in my top ten of bizarre days. Unfortunately, I had the uneasy feeling that things were just going to get weirder.
Chapter 6
The next thing I knew, Zenna was shaking me. Actually she was shaking the entire bed by lifting it up with one hand and then dropping it.
“Baxter! Baxter, wake up!” she said.
“Why?” I said half-dazed. “Is it time to go to bed?”
“No,” she said. “You just fell asleep there last night. We didn’t want to wake you, you looked so content, but we have astrophysics in thirty minutes.”
“And you’re kind of ripe smelling,” Elvin added. “If you’re late for another class, GiS will go ape on you.” He waited for a second, then he just had to say it. “Get it? Go ape.”
I sat up in bed. “I get it.”
“I don’t,” Zenna said.
I rolled out of bed and headed toward the shower.
“I’ll meet you guys in the lecture room,” I called back.
“Actually,” SC-711 said. “You need to report to the commander’s office.”
I looked at the room’s ceiling speaker that was broadcasting SC-711’s voice.
“Why?” I asked. “What have I done now?”
“I do not know. It is not my function to ask for information, just to give information,” the speaker replied.
“Come on, SC-711, you’re holding back something,” I said. “Nothing goes on here without you knowing about it.”
“Flattery will not work on me. I have no ego. Or for that matter an Id. Or for…”
“Not trying to flatter you. I’m just stating a fact.”
There was a pause. I could tell SC-711 was processing.
“I do not believe you are in trouble,” he said. “I only know the commander needs to see Sigma-II and Kappa-II squads in her office.”
“Well, if Kappa is going to be there too, it can’t be too bad,” I said. At least I hoped it was true. I jumped in the shower. I didn’t know what was coming up, but at least I’d smell good.
Chapter 7
Of course I was the last one to report to Commander Jasmine’s office. GiS, Elvin, Zenna, K999, Kymm, Chriz and Lobi were all standing at attention in front of her desk. The commander was the first to notice me enter the room.
“Nice of you to join us,” she said.
GiS shot me a glare.
“Galactic Scout Second Class Baxter Moon reporting, ma’am,” I said.
“Late as always,” Chriz said under his breath, but loud enough for everybody to hear.
“No, he had a full three tics to spare,” the commander said.
“Actually, three point five tics,” Elvin corrected without thinking.
The commander shot him a glare. Elvin sank back in terror. For a tic I thought he might even start to suck his thumb.
The commander straightened up and turned her attention back to all of us. She was even stiffer, more business-like than normal. (Though she still looked beautiful.) I knew something was up. I was just hoping it wasn’t something I caused.
“What do you know about the Aquarians?” she said.
Everybody but me raised a hand, paw or a foot. Elvin and Lobi each raised two hands.
The commander looked right at me. “Scout Moon?” she said with a raised eyebrow.
“They’re the only other race of humanoids we’ve run into so far in our interplanetary travels. They look pretty much like we do only they have blue skin, probably due to the chemicals in their atmosphere. Despite the fact that their planet is 72 percent land, they still call it Aqua. Of course that might just be a weird kink in common translator programs.” I was proud of myself for knowing all that.
“Anything else?” she asked.
Everybody else raised a hand, or some
thing like a hand.
“Anything else, Scout Moon?” she asked.
“They come from a planet in the Sirius D system. A system we didn’t even discover until a few decades ago. It’s about ten light years away and not all that bright a star.”
“That’s just so rudimentary,” Chriz mumbled.
The commander and K999 both gave him a look. Chriz shrank back a step and quivered.
“Anything else?” she prompted me.
“They don’t trust us much, and we don’t trust them any more than they trust us,” I said. “We’ve had very little contact with them.”
The commander smiled. “That is until last week,” she said. “Both our planets are interested in establishing trade relationships. It seems they have a fondness for our chocolate chunk cookies. We sent a ship of our council members to meet with and negotiate with a ship of their politicians in a neutral system, Sirius C minor.” There was silence while the commander let what she said sink in.
“If it turned out well, I doubt we’d be here now,” I said, not bothering to let anything sink in.
The commander smiled at me. It wasn’t a happy smile though.
“That is correct, Scout Moon. Contact has been lost with both ships.” She paused to catch her breath. “They of course blame us. We of course blame them. If something isn’t done soon, we could be on the brink of full-scale, intergalactic war. A war neither side could win.”
“Does anybody ever win a war?” I asked.
GiS shot me a look, but the commander just smiled.
“No, I guess not,” she said earnestly. “But in this war the losses would be even greater.”
Once again everybody stood there in silence. Once again I broke the silence.
“Excuse me, sir, ma’am, but how does this concern us? We’re just bunch of Scouts, Second Class,” I said, even though I had a sneaking suspicion already. I hoped I was wrong. They couldn’t have been thinking what I thought they were thinking.
“We want your squads to go to Sirius C and see if you can find any survivors.”