by Sarah Noffke
“Finley,” she said, between breaths. “We can’t. This isn’t right.”
He nodded but there was something in his unsatisfied eyes that said he didn’t really agree.
“We have to talk about this. Figure out what to do,” Zuma said, and dared to step forward and grab his hand. She led him to the couch built into the wall. “Sit,” she said, pointing to the cushions.
He shook his head, looking at her defiantly. And he did sit but then promptly lay out, stretching his long legs across the length of the sofa. Then he waved her forward. “Lay with me. I promise to be good. We can talk.”
She looked at him lying on her couch. He was more than handsome. Finley was raw beauty. There were scars in his eyes and they were beautiful too. Now that she was allowing herself to admit it, everything about him was alluring. Zuma didn’t nod but instead crawled into his arms, laying her head on his chest. She had never lain with anyone in this way and yet it felt natural to curl herself against this guy.
Finley released a full breath when she was snuggly against him. To feel Zuma like this was more than he ever thought possible. More than dreams.
She angled her head up and looked at him, a sly smile on her face. “Seriously?” she said. “You’re being serious with all this? You promise?”
“Yes, Zuma,” he said, running his finger over the curve of her jaw. “This is who I really am.”
Her fingers slid over the fabric of his shirt. It felt real. He felt real. And yet, the moment was too surreal. How had the wall between them, built to the clouds, come crashing down so quickly? “So before…you were just acting?”
“Yes, to keep you at a distance,” he said, picking up her hand and bringing it to his lips, kissing her fingertips with a tenderness she didn’t know he possessed. “And I’m so sorry. So sorry I hurt you. You have to realize I didn’t know what I was doing. I was acting out of fear and self-preservation.”
“Then tell me why. Tell me where you came from.”
“Zuma …” he said, sounding defeated. “It’s not important.”
“It is to me.” And then seeing the look in his eyes she added, “It won’t change anything, but I want to know about you.”
“But you care about me, right? Without knowing much about me? I’m not misreading that, am I?”
“Of course,” she said, scooting up in his arms and laying three kisses, each on a different place on his cheek, until she found his lips and kissed them once tenderly. “I’ve been drawn to you since the beginning, and for different reasons than yours I’ve been afraid of how I felt. I can’t risk losing my job here, it would kill me.”
Finley nodded. “That’s why you and Jack never—”
“Stop. Jack doesn’t even compare…” Zuma trailed off, a hesitant look in her eyes. “And I don’t want to confuse the issue by talking about him.”
The truth was Jack had never been as bold as Finley. Never given her that look of desperate wanting. She would have kissed Jack a hundred times, but he never pushed the boundary like Finley. And what she almost said was nothing compared to the way she felt about Finley.
“Dave isn’t stupid, Finley,” Zuma said after a long pause, her chin on his chest, her eyes always watching him.
“No, he’s the smartest man I know,” Finley admitted. “But Zuma, I love you. I want this, and we have the most incredibly poetic act in Vagabond Circus, which now that I’m speaking openly, that is no mistake. You and I are strangely connected. Dave must know that. He will understand. He will accept it.”
“Finley, you don’t understand, if he allows us to be together, then he’ll have to allow everyone and that’s something Dave can’t do.”
“Well, then we will promise secrecy,” he said, his voice full of a new hope. It tightened Zuma’s heart, made her want this more. “Our act is based on two lovers,” Finley continued. “No one will suspect anything and Dave will see that once I talk to him.”
“Finley!” Zuma said, her eyes bulging.
“Shhh,” he said gently, stroking his hand through her hair. “Zuma, I don’t think telling you everything about me is necessary. But I will tell you that I have gone without my entire life. I grew up in a bad place, and hardly ever had anything I needed. Usually I didn’t have food. I was rarely warm. And I definitely never had love. Please give this a chance.”
And she couldn’t help but stare at the guy before her with a quiet reverence. There was no one like Finley. And no one she’d risk her place in the circus for but him. And how could she not. He had made her a star in the circus and a star in his heart. She leaned down again, relishing his mouth against hers. Love. This is what love feels like, she thought as her lips pulled away from his and her head snuggled into his chest. Zuma didn’t feel happy as she rested on Finley’s chest, but she felt like she’d looked through a window and knew what happiness looked like. It was pure and unadulterated and just on the other side of a distant ridge through a murky window. And still she was closer to happiness than she’d ever been. She fell asleep listening to his breathing, which was steady and calm.
Chapter Sixty-One
For Finley, everything felt too perfect about holding Zuma. People like him didn’t get a chance at true love. His type of people worked until they exhausted themselves. Until they were demoralized. They settled for squalor and cheap thrills. They died alone or forgotten. He was one of those people, and yet, he was holding Zuma to his chest.
He awoke an hour later, feeling excited for the possibilities again. Finley knew more clearly than ever what he’d say to Dave. It was like a voice was telling him exactly what to say to get what he wanted. It felt like divine intervention. It felt like destiny.
The last thing he desired to do was to leave Zuma’s arms, which were still wrapped around him, holding him with a silent need. She wanted him. He felt that now, allowed himself to relish in the idea. Finley had felt their connection like one does a diamond and knows it’s real and unbreakable. However, he’d convinced himself again and again that she could never really want him. Not like he wanted her. Needed her.
Finley was careful to slip out from underneath Zuma without waking her. The smell of lavender in her hair caressed his nose as he gently arranged her on the sofa. He stared down at her, for the first time allowing himself to suck in her beauty with his eyes. She was enchanting when she slept and he couldn’t help but notice that for the first time she had a look of peace about her. Maybe it was because she was sleeping, but Zuma almost appeared happy. And because Finley wanted to return to her arms as soon as possible he pulled his greedy eyes away from her and headed out the trailer door.
It was still early and Finley expected that the ringmaster would just have returned from his office. Finley knew Dave’s schedule better than anyone since he had been watching him all these months. Protecting him. It had been difficult to keep up with his acts in the circus, his sessions with Fanny, and also his watching over Dave. However, his job involving Dave was his first priority. It was the reason that had brought him to the circus. Everything else was extra. But finding and falling in love with Zuma wasn’t extra. It was a rare gift and now he realized he had never breathed properly. Before being granted Zuma’s affection, he had never been whole. Not until that moment.
The moon rose out of a pillow of clouds as Finley half skipped to Dave’s trailer. The man should be settling into his recliner right about now. Then he’d pull the pills that Fanny made for him from the side drawer. Finley had watched him do it a hundred times. To say Dave Raydon was a creature of habit was a grand understatement. Three things are forever consistent: the passing of time, the rotation of the Earth, and Dr. Raydon.
Chapter Sixty-Two
Zuma awoke like someone had rattled her shoulders. She was alone. Squinting through the darkening trailer, she tried to remember what was out of place.
Finley. He was gone.
She had thought that he would stay the night. It was an unspoken agreement, she felt. But she now guessed that he had
gone back to his own trailer. However, she’d felt the tingling excitement in his hands on her. That was not the type of reaction someone gives and then retreats to their own space.
Zuma stood suddenly, now completely lucid, the grogginess of sleep instantly pushed away. She knew where Finley had gone. With the certainty that she knew he was connected to her in a mysterious way, she knew where he was.
She didn’t even bother to put on her shoes, but rather bounded out the door. Zuma was both exploding with excitement and panic. This was all happening too fast. But no matter what happened she wanted to be there. The girl wanted to be by Finley’s side when he made his case. And she wanted to have a chance to convince Dave that she never meant to break his rules. She wanted to be there for both Dave and Finley. This did involve her.
Chapter Sixty-Three
Finley froze when he rounded the corner. It was ten at night and Dave’s trailer was dark. The light on the side table should be on in the ringmaster’s trailer as it was every night at this time. He scanned the area, his senses switching into hyperdrive. His greatest fear was that the person he had been protecting Dave from was somewhere close by. Finley’s eyes roamed down his bare arms and he instantly wished he’d grabbed his jacket before heading out. He should have, but he’d been too distracted by Zuma.
Behind him he heard the sound of a twig cracking into two. Finley spun around. He knew better than to race toward the sound. Away from it was the smartest option. For the last few months his presence outside of Dave’s trailer had been effective at deterring the imposter from getting close to the ringmaster and killing him. But Finley hadn’t been here tonight. He’d been with Zuma. He’d let down his guard and now what was the result? He feared the answer.
“Come out,” Finley said to the quiet night. “Come out already and face me, you coward.”
A boy’s laughter filled the air. “Cowards don’t face people,” someone said from a distant shadow. “They run and hide, which is what I’ll be doing now that my job is finally done.”
Finley whipped around and stared at the darkened trailer. “No!” he said, his voice cracking. And he could have used his speed to track down the murderer, but it wouldn’t be wise. This wasn’t a person one went after, but rather stayed away from. And he’d been effective at keeping Dave from this person until now. The sound of running footsteps told Finley that the boy was on the run. Escaping.
He turned his full attention on the trailer and now he noticed that the door was partially open. With deliberate paces Finley cleared the distance to the trailer. He found a stick along the way and used it to urge the door back the rest of the way. Dave had in fact made it home and probably at his usual time. He had not made it to the lamp to switch it on. There, lying just inside his trailer, was the ringmaster. Dead.
Chapter Sixty-Four
Zuma froze at the sight in front of her. It confused the girl and she wasn’t sure why. Finley was standing just in the doorway of Dave’s trailer. Just standing. Not moving. She wanted to call out to him, but the way he stood was wrong. His shoulders were pinned up high. His back tense. Her combat sense told her one important thing. Finley was extremely stressed. He felt in danger. But why?
Chapter Sixty-Five
There was two feet of space between the threshold of the trailer and where Dave lay. Finley stood in the doorway searching, trying to figure out what had killed him. There were so many possibilities and it was almost impossible to know for certain. In the end, it would be a guess. Finley moved farther into the trailer, skirting around Dave. He wasn’t even sure what he was still doing in the trailer. There was nothing he could do. And then a grief so raw struck him in the chest and he realized that he was in shock. It was sorrow that kept him there, standing over the dead man’s body. He had failed the ringmaster and now Dave was dead.
He heard the footsteps first. As if stuck in a daze he turned too slowly. Finley moved the opposite way he normally did, like he was locked in quicksand. His eyes blinked a few times, working to bring the person outside Dave’s trailer into view. Her face took several seconds to register for him. And then Finley’s mind and eyes caught up with each other in real time and he realized how utterly doomed he was.
Chapter Sixty-Six
Zuma froze two feet from Dave’s trailer door. Her racing heart crashed like a train in a collision at the scene in front of her. She sucked in a breath and choked on it. Finley stood before her, Dave at his feet unmoving.
“What have you done?” she asked, her eyes shifting between Dave’s body and Finley, standing just as frozen.
Finley’s eyes widened as he focused on her. “Zuma, don’t touch anything,” he said, his voice panicked.
“Finley!” she said, gasping for air in a throat that was quickly tightening. Her eyes searched him. “Who are you? How could you?” She backed up a step, almost tripping on her feet.
“No, Zuma,” Finley said in a rush. “I didn’t do this.”
She shook her head erratically, her long hair whipping her in the face. Tears not ready, but building in her, like poison in a syringe.
“It’s not what it looks like. I can explain,” Finley said, taking a step toward her.
“Stay away from me,” she said and turned to run and knocked straight into Finley, who had teleported to catch her.
He gripped her arms. Held them in front of his chest. “Zuma, you have to listen to me. I tried to stop this from happening.”
“Did he tell you no? Is this what you do when you don’t get what you want?”
“God no,” he said and yanked her closer to him, but she used everything in her body to pull away from him.
“Titus!” Zuma screamed. His trailer sat beside Dave’s. It was always set up adjacent to the ringmaster’s. The creative director’s trailer was a blaze with light from within. And Zuma didn’t have to wait long before Titus tore through his door, scrambling out at the sound of Zuma’s frantic voice. Finley released Zuma at once, afraid of what the scene looked like to a worried Titus. And then behind him Jack poured out of the creative director’s trailer. The two had been discussing changes to next year’s show when or if Jasmine left Vagabond Circus. They’d bolted out of their seats at the sound of Zuma’s screams.
Finley clasped his hands to the sides of his head. Things could not worsen in this moment. He wanted to run, but he had nowhere to go and a responsibility to these people.
Titus raced to Zuma and clutched both his hands on her shoulders since the girl was shaking wildly, every part of her trembling.
“What is it, Zuma?” Titus asked. Jack was at his shoulder immediately, eyes protectively on her and also watching Finley.
“Da-da-Dave,” she said, pointing at the still open trailer door. “H-h-he’s dead.”
Titus’s eyebrows shot up to meet his receding hairline. “What?! That’s impossible.” His head whipped in the direction of the trailer. The door was still open, but the scene inside was too dark to make out. “No-no-no,” he said in disbelief, but Titus couldn’t understand why Dave’s trailer would be dark at this hour. Why the door would be ajar. He knew the ringmaster better than anyone else and he knew that Dave’s light should have still been on.
Jack stepped for the open door.
“Stop,” Finley yelled. His voice drenched with panic. “Don’t go in there! Don’t touch anything!”
Jack halted and looked at Finley, gauging him.
And before he could respond Zuma said, “It was Finley. I found him standing over Dave. He killed him.” And now she was crying, tears gushing down her cheeks as she collapsed into Titus’s arms. The first horror she’d ever witnessed played over and over on the inside of her eyelids. She saw Dave’s dead body again and again, and she saw Finley standing over it.
Finley shook his head erratically. Titus and Jack exchanged a look of apprehension and then the creative director indicated to Dave’s trailer with a nod of his head. “Check it out, Jack, but be careful.”
Jack approached the trailer
, his shoulders pinned back. And it was Zuma who spied the first bit of shock sprint through his body as he tensed at the sight made visible by the waning moonlight. “Oh my god,” Jack said, backing away at once, a crazed look in his eyes when he turned around. “You did this to him?!” he roared at Finley.
Titus, who was still holding onto Zuma, shot a look of disbelief at Jack. “It’s true? Dave is…” And his voice fell away, like it was sucked up by the night, his eyes emptied like the stars had robbed him of his soul.
Jack nodded, his eyes still on Finley. Menace covering his face.
“Check his pulse,” Titus demanded.
“Don’t touch him,” Finley said. “It might kill you too.”
The three turned and stared at Finley, horror in their eyes.
“You did this,” Jack said, spit flying out of his mouth.
“No,” Finley said, holding up both his hands in the air in surrender. He knew Jack was considering tackling him and trying to tear him apart with his hands. Finley knew that look in Jack’s face. Had seen it on too many faces throughout his life. But Jack couldn’t catch him and they both knew it. That’s why Finley held up his hands, to show he wouldn’t fight or run. The innocent have no reason to fight or run. “It wasn’t me. I found him and I know who murdered him.”