by Amber Nation
He stood up and walked to the fireplace where a picture of Hannah and I together was perched on the mantle and removed it from its place. Holding it in his hand, he smiled at her chubby little face. I remembered the day that picture was taken very well, it was the same day she gave me my hat; my birthday. She wanted to help me blow out my candles and thought it’d be funny to smear icing all over my face, so I did the same to her. My mom was all about taking pictures and she didn’t hesitate in snapping our icing clad faces, capturing that special memory.
“Son, I knew that for you being a father was the best thing in the world and you were amazing at it, I mean look who you had for a role model." That little joke caused me to lift up a corner of my mouth in a small grin, but it also accomplished lightening the mood in the room a little. And in all honesty, I had two exceptional role models and I was so thankful for them, which reiterated another reason why I had been such a dick to stay away all these years.
I really needed to do some thinking about if I would actually be able to open my heart up for another child.
“Bottom line, I know you blame yourself since you weren’t there for Hannah, but Erin should have. I really want to say that it was no one’s fault, but I believe in my heart that if Erin was in a better place then she would’ve fought hell and earth for your little girl."
I ended up spending a few days with my father, it was nice to catch up on old times and I even got to see him interact with Sandra. I had called Brock in the meantime and gave him somewhat of a vague explanation as to what was going on without giving away too many details. It wasn’t anyone else’s business but mine and Sheridan’s. But he was there to check on Sadie if Sheridan really did take my eviction to heart.
I was thinking back to the last thing my dad told me before I left his house. The screen door was propped open on his arm as he stood there watching me walk down the sidewalk towards my truck. He hollered out causing me to stop and listen, “When you get her back be sure to bring by the woman who brought my son back to life so I can properly thank her."
I honestly didn’t know how to respond to that so I just shook my head and kept on following the sidewalk towards my truck.
Walking into my house, Sadie immediately met me at the door and was jumping with excitement to see me after a few days. I had no way of knowing whether Sheridan had come and gone, but the atmosphere within my home seemed different.
I made it as far as the living room before I looked down at my chocolate lab and crouched down on my haunches to rub her head, “Where is Sheridan, Sadie Belle?" Even her nickname had stuck with me.
She immediately began whining and whimpering leading me to Sheridan’s closed bedroom door. She sat down and lifted a paw to scratch on the wooden door and then leaned forward and sniffed at the gap underneath it.
My heart was racing because Sadie had never really acted like this before, so I didn’t know what to expect when I turned the brass knob. The bed was completely made and the top of the dresser was completely free of any of Sheridan’s belongings. It looked as if she had never even been here.
I rushed out of her room and across the hall stopping at the doorframe to the bathroom. Without even switching the light on, I could tell all of her hair products that had cluttered my countertop were removed.
The finality of it all hit me like a ton of bricks.
Subconsciously aware that I was stumbling to my kitchen, my heart was ripping even more in two. I had no idea where she went or even if she was still in Brown County. All because I jumped to hasty inexcusable conclusions.
I braced my hands on the edge of the counter and glanced down to see my favorite coffee mug and hers, washed and waiting next to the coffee maker with a post-it note laying partly underneath that just said, “Thanks."
I removed it from the granite, feeling the thin yellow paper between my fingertips. This could possibly be the last thing that I could ever have of Sheridan.
Sheridan
I stood stock still in the middle of the hallway watching Mike’s retreating form until I could no longer see his image. I was truly defeated and just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. He didn’t even give me time to explain why I hid Ben from him. It was something that I wasn’t proud of, but I would do anything to protect my child, which wasn’t something I could say about Mike’s ex-wife.
I slowly turned around towards the direction of my mother and Ben, and I had to muster up enough strength to not give into my emotions. I felt emotionally and physically drained and it was my own fault. I knew that I trusted Mike with my entire life, didn’t I trust him with Ben’s as well?
I guess that it was the fact that no one other than my parents knew what had happened to Ben. After I had found out that I was pregnant again, I didn’t want the same outcome to occur with this baby as it did with my last because of Pate’s actions, so I got out of there. When I told Mike that those eleven months were the best of my life, I wasn’t kidding. I had a healthy, beautiful baby boy to call my own. But when Pate had found me that one day that I went to the grocery store I had to come up with some sort of plan. I was able to sign over all of my parental rights to my parents without anyone the wiser.
I would call when I could to checkup on Ben and I knew that someday I would be able to bring him back into my home and not have to worry with looking over my shoulder every five seconds to see if Pate had found me. Which was why I got so content and comfortable with Mike, he wouldn’t hesitate to protect me at a moment’s notice.
How had I ended up going back with Pate you ask? Lack of bravery to stand up to him and the fact of the matter that he threatened to kill my parents if I didn’t. Pate Strickland wasn’t someone that you wanted to mess with, I knew that firsthand, so I wasn’t going to risk anything happening to Ben or my parents.
So yeah, I kept Ben a secret, but it was my ultimate sacrifice as a mother.
Returning back to my family I was so excited to see my baby Ben, but I had wished that the circumstances could have been a little different.
His mouth curved up in the biggest grin and he ran and jumped back into my open arms, “Mommy!" he squealed. “I missed you so much!" I curled my arms around him as he clung to my neck. I wanted to squeeze him tight and never let him go, and hopefully soon I would have enough resources to do just that. But now with Mike kicking me out, I was pushed back to square one. I had money set back that I had saved, so I almost had enough for the security deposit on an apartment and the first month’s rent, but that didn’t help me on the furniture. I really didn’t know if Brown County had a used furniture store, I really didn’t know much about the town at all except for being cooped up in Mike’s house and The Diner.
I felt Ben’s clammy little hands on my cheeks as he squeezed them together trying to get my attention. I had spaced out stressing about my living situation, which needs to be placed in the back of my mind for now since I was with Ben.
“How is my Benji? Are you being such a good boy for Mamaw and Papaw?"
“Yes, Mommy," he finally let go of my cheeks but not before he gave me an Eskimo kiss, rubbing our noses together. This was how he loved giving kisses. “Papaw is sick," he told me through a frown.
“I know, pumpkin, let’s go see Papaw." I placed him on his feet, making sure he had his bearings before fully letting him go and he grabbed ahold of my hand.
Leaving him with my parents was one of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to endure while being a mother, even above everything I’ve went through with Pate. Not being able to soothe him through his nightmares or taking him to get his first pair of prescription glasses. He was only three, so he may not remember not being with me, but it was forever engraved in my conscience.
I think that was another reason why I was so hesitant to tell Mike about Benjamin, he is currently the same age that Hannah was whenever she died. I knew he could guestimate his age and even though Ben was tall for his age, he still looked and acted like your average typical three year old.
&n
bsp; I was extremely lucky that Ben was still young enough to where he wasn’t resentful for me not being around. My mother was so good about including me when telling him bedtime stories and showing him pictures of me to remind him who I was since I wasn’t able to be around very often. I did talk to him on the phone every single chance that I got.
My heart was extremely heavy leaving Ben once again, but once my dad went through the process of having a stint put in to alleviate some of the blockage, I had to be on my way once again.
Apparently someone from up above was looking out for me because no sooner had I returned to Mike’s house to pack up my belongings I received a phone call from Maggie Walker asking if I wanted to sublet on her apartment. She knew that I was looking for my own space and she was moving out of Brown County for reasons she didn’t divulge, but she assured me that it was alright with her landlord so I didn’t hesitate on snatching it up. The best part was that she was leaving it fully furnished. I only had to bring Ben’s bed and his belongings and this could be home.
It had been only a few days since I’d been living in Maggie’s apartment and I really just felt rather lonely. My mom thought that I needed to at least have a fully functioning vehicle before I brought Ben to live with me and I really had to agree. Even though Maggie had left me her car because she was going to find a new place to move, in the end she didn’t end up leaving Brown County. So I no longer had use of her car. I was worried there about a minute because I was afraid I was going to be back to square one on my living situation, but Maggie assured me that she wouldn’t do that to me. She ended up moving in with Sheriff Hennings. She even sold me what was left of the furniture she didn’t want for an insanely good price. It was nice to see someone get their happy ever after even if I wouldn’t ever get mine.
But that’s alright, I didn’t need a man in my life. A fear free life with Ben was all that I could want or need.
I was going to be a little early for my shift at The Diner, but I was bored at home and my mind would wander back to Mike. I really needed to call Brock at the shop and see how much longer my car would be. I really would’ve thought that it’d be finished by now. I had no idea when Mike would be back into town and I really didn’t think that seeing me would be on top of his list, so hopefully Brock would know what was up.
I fiddled with my keys locking up my apartment and stuck inside of my own head that I didn’t see anyone or anything else in this case in the hallway. I turned around and almost ran right into a rolling piano.
“Ouch," I said, not really knowing why because I didn’t actually run into anything. It was one of the situations where you reacted before anything ever really happened. Don’t know what I’m talking about? I guess that only happens to me.
“Oh gosh, did I run over your foot by accident?" I looked up and see that Sheriff Deputy Ethan Bradley was on the other end of the piano trying to roll it down the hallway of the apartment building.
“No, sorry. Knee jerk reaction." He grinned at me and I’m sure he thought I was a bit on the weird side, but oh well. I had spoken to Deputy Bradley a few times whenever he came into The Diner to get breakfast along with Sheriff Hennings. He was pleasant and he was a total looker if you were into the whole cowboy persona, but really in the end he didn’t give me butterflies. Not like Mike did.
“What are you doing with this piano Deputy Bradley?"
“Now please, it’s Ethan."
“Ok, Ethan," I gave him an added smile.
“My great aunt lived here and just passed away. I was going to take this down the service elevator and then after that I haven’t a clue." He stood to his full height which was impressive, he had to be almost six foot four. And he had the broadest shoulders that I had ever seen, he would’ve made an amazing football player with just his stature and size. He wasn’t what I would call chunky, the word I would use to describe Deputy Bradley would be solid. Like a freaking rock.
I placed a hand on my chest to show my sympathy, “I’m so sorry to hear that Dep-I mean Ethan."
“Really, it’s alright. It was her time, she had lived a full and eventful life. She often taught piano lessons around here so she has this piano leftover. The manager of the apartment said that I could leave it downstairs for now until I found a home for it."
I touched my fingers the top of the wood of the upright piano and walked my way around the front, trailing my hand against the grain. I lifted the fall, which housed the keys, and unveiled the glorious black and white pieces of heaven. It had been so long since I’ve played on anything other than my keyboard that my hands were itching to just touch the keys if even for a moment.
I reached down and then snapped my hand back, looking up at Ethan, “May I?"
“Have at it." He said without the least bit of uncertainty.
I touched my hands to the keys and just let instinct takeover. I began the intro to “Moonlight Sonata" by Beethoven, which was my favorite go to piece. This piece was remarkably simple and was mostly comprised of repetitive hand movements, but I just loved its sound.
One thing about me since piano used to be my entire life, I really got into my piece whenever I was playing it. Accomplishing this standing up was a task, but menial.
A minute or so had passed and I opened my eyes and realized that I had totally gotten lost in the sound of the music and quickly removed my hands from off of the keys.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get so into it."
“Don’t be sorry. If I had half of the passion that you do for the piano, maybe I would’ve stuck with it. Aunt Edna hated trying to teach me piano." He cocked a brow as if he were deep in thought, “I have an idea. Why don’t you keep the piano? I really don’t know what to do with it, no one in my family wants it. And I can tell that you are devoted to the instrument."
I replaced the fall, protecting the keys once again before I looked back up into Ethan’s eyes. “It used to be my whole life. But are you sure? This was such a big important part of your aunt’s life."
“Sheridan, I couldn’t be more certain. My aunt would’ve wanted her beloved piano to go to someone who would care for it and treasure it the way she had."
I released a smile that reached all the way up to my eyes and I just felt elated. I knew that there would’ve been no way to bring my baby grand piano here without it costing a fortune to haul it professionally, so having an upright piano was the next best thing.
I hurriedly unlocked the door to my apartment and found the perfect spot for it right against the entry wall. I had to move an entryway table out of the way to make room for it, but once it was in position, it looked like it was made to be there.
I finally had to pry myself away from work and my apartment, so Grady let me into Emmy Lou’s so I could check out his piano to see if it needed tuning or not. All I had to end up doing was adjusting the tension of a few of the piano strings and it would be in tip top condition. I also took the time to dust and clean the finish since it looked like it had been forgotten in the corner of the room for quite some time now.
Using a dampened cloth, I was making sure that every little piece of the piano was cleaned to my satisfaction. It may not get used much around here but at least I would be happy with the final product.
I heard some hushed whispers from out on the stage. I was in the backroom which was just off to the back of the stage, so it was really easy to overhear.
“Brock where the hell has Mike been? I called for a mandatory practice and here he didn’t show." That voice sounded a lot like Toby.
“He just got back from St. Louis, he went to visit his dad. Apparently some bad shit went down between him and Sheridan." At the mere mention of my name, I perked up a bit and began leaning my way towards the door so I could hear just a bit clearer. I was leaning so far off the piano bench that I was really surprised that I didn’t go toppling to the floor especially after what was said next.
“Sheridan hasn’t mentioned anything to me about it," Toby almost sounded as if he w
ere a little hurt that I didn’t come running to him about my problems. He had no idea what he would’ve been asking for.
“I don’t know, but when Mike called me to look after Sadie he sounded pissed and he sounded hurt. He has never been one to spill about his feelings, but I could tell that he was really into her. Something bad enough happened to where he kicked her out of his house."
“So that was why she was all gung ho about moving into Maggie’s apartment. I really wonder if Sheridan will stick around here now since things fell apart with them."
I had just about enough of hearing them talk about me behind my back. Why wouldn’t I stay here just because Mike and I weren’t friends anymore or whatever the hell we were?
Now was a perfect time as any to make sure the piano was completely tuned, so I began playing so I could tune out the gossiping going on out on the stage.
And they said women gossip, sheesh.
I started playing the first song that came to mind. I would on any given day openly admit my love for this woman, to accomplish as much as she has during her lifetime and career is an amazing feat. So I began playing “You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me," sung by Cher in the movie Burlesque. Her voice was my guilty pleasure and I remembered singing to more than one of her songs into my hairbrush while looking into my mirror growing up.
This song was mostly played on the piano with accompanying drums but all I needed was my hands and the eighty-eight keys underneath them.
She sang of not ever giving up on her hopes and dreams. And it pertained to me as well.
They didn’t know me enough to gossip about me behind my back, good or otherwise. I’ve been brought to the end of my rope before and I thought I was doing pretty well for myself now considering the circumstances. Granted things would be complete if I had Benjamin with me and yes, also if I had Mike back in my life once again.