by Amber Nation
“And as much as I want to be furious with that person, in the end I would’ve never taken a chance on Brown County and then ultimately made it my home. There was one special person who went above and beyond their duty, especially with us being perpetual strangers, and helped me out with no questions asked. We became friends and I always had the hopes to become something more, but that wasn’t meant to be because I held a very huge part of me back from him. I just hope that one day he can forgive me for doing what I felt needed to be done." She took a hand and wiped her cheek, no doubt trying to erase any sign of tears falling from her eyes.
Forgiveness… That was funny because that was one thing that I was trying to do. Maybe it would’ve been easier for me to accept things if she wouldn’t have been so quick to jump into the arms of another.
“I would also like to introduce someone you already know, Emmalynne Morgan. I’ve heard through some pretty justifiable sources, mainly being her fiancé Grady that she is the woman behind the name of Emmy Lou’s. I think that is incredibly romantic. But anyways, I’m getting off topic here," waving out a hand, “she has graciously accepted to help me out tonight by playing the drums."
Emmy walked out onto the stage with her set of drum sticks and everyone clapped. She was like the sweetheart of Brown County. Emmalynne made the most incredible desserts and was the owner of Turn the Page Bookstore. She did a little curtsey and sat behind a drum kit. My drum kit. I was so preoccupied with Sheridan’s presence on the stage that I failed to realize that my drum kit was the only other instrument set up on the stage beside the piano.
My focus was strictly back to Sheridan. If I had been sitting down, I would’ve been on the edge of my seat with anticipation.
I had hoped that Sheridan would stick around until after our set then maybe I could get her alone to talk. I didn’t see Ethan around, so maybe that was a possibility.
Sheridan adjusted her seating once again and placed her hands on top of the piano keys as she closed her eyes. Seconds ticked by and just when people were starting to look at each other with confused expressions she opened her eyes and began the song.
After the first few notes were released from her fingertips and her mouth connected with the microphone beginning to lightly sing the beginning words, I knew exactly what song she was playing. Then Emmalynne came in on the beat.
“How To Save A Life" by The Fray was what was coming out of those delicious red lips. Lips that reminded me of blood, singing a song that reminded me of losing Hannah. I couldn’t look away from how into the song Sheridan was getting, I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame. Her sultry voice was so mesmerizing and it was a true shame that she decided against going to Juilliard to perform. A lot of people were missing out on this amazing spectacle that was Sheridan.
The song was a sensual message she was sending to me. Together we did save each other’s life. Something that might not have ever happened had we not met. She was right in saying that someone desperately wanted her to be here in Brown County at the exact moment that she was. If it wasn’t for that dickhead who made the decision to drive drunk, I might never have been introduced to the woman who owned my heart.
I felt as if I were Robert Frost, meandering down that path when I come upon that fork in the road. On one hand, I could fight for Sheridan, make her realize that we belonged together. And as much as it may hurt sometimes not having Hannah around, become a father again. On the other hand, I could become a recluse once again, not trusting anyone in and keeping everything to myself, which would only cause me to combust at one point or another.
Did I stand up to the plate and be a true man to become the one thing I said I never wanted again to be with the woman I was supposed to be with?
By the time she played and sang the very last note, I knew exactly what I was going to do. It was just putting it into action.
She stood from her position on the piano bench and ran a hand down her dress, smoothing out the wrinkles as she came to stand in front of the piano. She broke out in the biggest and brightest smile I had ever seen and did a simple little curtsy as the entire audience and myself broke out into a massive standing ovation. She placed both hands over her heart, she looked as if she was truly proud of herself as she should be. She accomplished something simply amazing here tonight.
A hand came up and grabbed my shoulder, giving it a firm squeeze. I looked over my shoulder to see that Brock had sided up next to me. “She was amazing, huh?"
“That she was, man." I wanted to sing her praises. I wanted to go and sweep her into my arms. But those fantasy thoughts came crashing down in a screeching halt as her smile became even brighter when she jumped off of the stage and into Ethan Bradley’s awaiting arms.
My jaw hardened as I began gritting my teeth. I caught Brock looking at me from my peripheral vision as he then turned to see what had caught my attention. I knew the moment he realized what was happening because he shoved me towards the stage where Charlie and Toby had already started setting up.
He knew that I was about to erupt, so he kept ahold of my collar until I jerked out of his grasp. I continued to storm towards the stage but only being able to see red. There was that fucking color again.
Red the color of love, lust, blood, and broken hearts.
So many different shitty things were associated with the color and here I was drawn to it like a magnet. I set myself up for this, for all of it.
I stomped my boots up the stairs and yanked my drum sticks out of Toby’s hand when he offered them to me as I went by.
I took my place behind my drum kit and I knew that it was going to get the brunt of my anger tonight. I just hoped that it would withhold the brutality.
Toby, for once, didn’t give an entire spiel before he wanted to start the show. That was very unlike Toby, but he had been quite a bit moodier since Maggie’s earlier kidnapping. Don’t ask, don’t tell was my motto from here on out. I didn’t want to know about anything ‘happy’ or ‘sad’ going on in anyone’s lives and it would be best for them to pay me the same respects.
Toby grabbed ahold of the microphone stand and then pivoted his foot to where he was looking at each of us, “’Mr. Brightside’ first, yeah?"
I immediately shook my head no. That was not the song that I wanted to begin our show with, especially with the events that were unfolding right before me.
The other two members agreed with Toby to start off with that, so I was outvoted. The Killers for the win.
Charlie started us out on the bass intro and I took my cue from him tapping on the snare.
I began slamming down the sticks on my drums as the song went on. I didn’t want to look, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the scene in front of me, it was like a fucking car wreck, drawing in my attention to see what would happen next. It was as if the song was playing out right in front of me.
They were looking into each other’s eyes as she placed her open hand on his chest almost in a loving way. What really took the cake was when she reached up on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek, then a faint hue dusted her cheeks as she blushed.
So this was what jealousy felt like. The envy was ripping me apart from the inside. And I’ll have to admit I didn’t like it one bit.
Jealousy wasn’t something I was used to and it would be a hard thing for me to admit, but I was so fucking jealous. Those were my kisses and that hand was made to caress me.
At this point, I wished that I had never met her again. To think that I almost admitted to her that I loved her and would do anything to be with her, even if it meant opening up my heart for another child.
I could just see them going back to his place and him stripping her free from her dress. I have never pounded on my drums so hard before, but they were taking a fucking beating. A beating that I imagined that I was giving to Ethan Bradley. Ethan fucking Bradley…
Continuing my assault, at the very last moment before the song was over with Sheridan’s eyes connected with mine once again. After the last b
eat, I threw down my drumsticks and stood up, knocking down my stool with the sheer force of my movements.
I was sure I looked completely sinister and threatening as I stalked towards them, my eyes hardened in a stare and my veins in my neck bulging out. I wasn’t able to control my anger any longer and things were about to get ugly.
A look of fear crossed Sheridan’s face as I continued my way towards them, which made me lose some of my luster. I didn’t want to scare her, that was never my intention and I sure as hell didn’t like seeing that look being put on her face by me. So I changed my plans once again, walking straight through the two of them and veered towards the exit.
Once I got back home I didn’t stop to say hello to Sadie, I just went directly to my room and plummeted on my bed. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream so loudly to get out all of my frustrations. Damn Sheridan for making me fall in love with her. She was supposed to be the one to save me. My own personal hell was pulling me down into the deep abyss again and she was supposed to be the one to save me.
I repeatedly pounded my fists into my pillow, throwing out every single obscenity I could until it made me feel better. There was really no telling how long this went on but when I finally caught something out of the corner of my eye it made me stop dead in my tracks.
I threw my legs over the side of my bed and rested my chin in my hands as I stared at the objects that dared to mock me.
Perched upon my dresser was the brand new St. Louis ball cap that Sheridan bought for me with her first paycheck. She had been so excited to buy me something, then I had to go and crush her hopes by telling her the backstory behind the meaning of my tattered hat. I shoved off of my bed and walked two steps forward until I reached my dresser. I lifted up the neon yellow post-it that contained the word ‘Thanks,’ written by Sheridan’s hand when she left my house.
I couldn’t bear to get rid of the baseball cap, but that didn’t stop me from crumpling the written thank you in the palm of my hand.
My chest felt as if someone placed a cinder block on top of it and I wanted so badly to take a sledgehammer and bust it to smithereens. I didn’t like feeling this way. And with the impact that Sheridan had on me, I didn’t feel as if this sensation was going to go away anytime soon.
Sheridan
I had done it. I couldn’t believe that I dug deep down and banded together all of my courage and actually performed in front of a bar full of people. It was such a euphoric feeling and all I wanted to do was rush to Mike and hear him tell me how proud of me he was.
But I had come here with Ethan and it was his arms that were outstretched and waiting for me when I rushed offstage.
I couldn’t be rude and just brush Ethan off completely, he had been a major help to me these past few days. He and I had been spending quite a bit of time together after he gave me his great aunt’s piano. Between grieving the loss of his great Aunt Edna and then a few days later the breakup between him and his boyfriend, he really needed a shoulder to lean on. And I had two available shoulders and I was great at listening, so I was ready to be there for him when he needed me.
Ethan had just told me about his breakup with Owen when Mike walked into the diner the other night with his partner, Todd. I was sympathetic towards Ethan since almost the same thing had just happened to me. Mike and I weren’t technically together, but that didn’t mean I didn’t feel the effects of a broken heart. My love for Mike had snuck up on me, but I truly and deeply was in love with Mike Jameson. And the look that crossed his face when he saw my hand covering Ethan’s in a caring gesture was one that I quickly wanted to forget. But just saw once again mere moments earlier as he stormed between Ethan and me on his way retreating out the door.
I never knew Mike to be one to jump to conclusions, but tonight was now the third time he has done so. If he had just stopped and heard me out, many things and ill feelings could’ve very well been avoided.
Ethan had paid me enormous compliments and I wanted to thank him, so I kissed his cheek showing my appreciation. I knew Mike had seen the little exchange because the beating on his drum accelerated tenfold.
You could see the anger radiating off of him in waves. And truthfully he freaked me out a bit. I never knew him to want to go all He-Man on someone. Ethan was much larger than Mike and even though he was the Sheriff Deputy of Brown County, I still think he was quaking in his cowboy boots.
“What the hell was that all about?" Ethan asked with a quizzical look on his face and I could tell that he was getting ready to go into Deputy mode.
He turned to take off after Mike and I gently caught him by the arm. “Just let him go, Ethan. It isn’t you, it’s because of me. I’ve done something to hurt him and now he’s showing signs of jealousy obviously because I am here with you. But true to typical Mike he’s jumping the gun without knowing what’s going on. But really I can’t blame him because I kept something big from him."
“It’s the reason you and him aren’t together now, right? It couldn’t have been that bad."
I contemplated telling him all about Pate and Benjamin. I mean in the end it could only help that a law enforcement official knew about it, right?
“Let’s go outside. I think there are some things that you should know."
I made it to the parking lot with Ethan hot on my heels, pulling my cream cardigan around my waist and crossing my arms in front of my chest. Being that it was still summer it was abnormal for such a chill to be in the air, especially with it being Georgia.
I walked a little further around the fully packed parking lot kicking rocks with my flats as I moved around. Ethan stuffed his hands into his pockets of his Levi jeans. He looked extremely country tonight with his cowboy boots, tight Levi’s and his plaid button down shirt tucked into his jeans. The only thing that would polish off his look would be a belt buckle and a cowboy hat. I leaned forward to check and low and behold he actually did have a belt buckle. I had to chuckle.
“Ok, hold on." I stopped walking and stood in front of Ethan, pointing to his buckle. “What does that say?" I couldn’t really tell because of the lighting in the parking lot, the entire lot was only illuminated by two single street lamps.
He turned it to where it would shine in the light and on the pewter belt buckle was ‘World’s Largest Nuts’ with a nut and bolt on either side of the writing. I looked up at him with a cocked brow, “Really? Really Ethan?"
He lifted one side of his mouth in a small and innocent grin then shrugged his shoulders.
“Whatever," I rolled my eyes and then continued on walking around the lot.
“So, I guess there is really no good place to start so I’ll just dive into it. I won’t go into Mike’s personal life because it isn’t my place to say, but I will say that I never told him that I had a son. He found out whenever he took me home to see my dad in the hospital after he had a heart attack. “
I went on to tell him about Pate Strickland and he listened intently. It felt good to get absolutely everything out in the open and with Ethan knowing he could help be on the lookout for Pate.
It was nice not having to check over my shoulder every five minutes. I had been in Brown County for several months now and he hadn’t come around. It felt exhilarating to finally be free.
I couldn’t be happier, I had my son with me in my home. But even still, my heart wasn’t completely whole. A piece was missing in the form of a tall man with brown hair and piercing hazel eyes. I missed Mike. I missed my best friend.
“Now you be good for Tessa, alright?" I told Ben as I was crouched down in front of him in The Morgan’s living room. I adjusted his glasses because they never really seemed to keep straight on his little face. Boys and all of their rough housing, I would never understand.
“I will, mommy," he replied with a whisper cautiously looking in Tessa’s direction. I had to brace myself for the possibility of the onslaught of tears to begin streaming down his face since I was leaving him. He was still getting used to being in a new place and actual
ly being able to be with me all the time.
I enveloped Ben in a hug and he squeezed me tightly before letting go and giving me an Eskimo kiss.
I stood from my place on the floor and watched my little man run off to play with Blake Morgan. Dodged the tears bullet today. Tessa and her mother in law had been a godsend, one of them always offered to watch Benjamin while I was at work. I told them that, at any time, I could find a more permanent sitter, but they wouldn’t hear of it, Tessa actually told me not to be ‘redonkulous’ perhaps one of these days I would get used to her outrageous lingo. When Tessa was working her mother in law watched Blake so they said it was nice to have another little boy around the same age for him to play with.
It was a huge relief to have someone that I knew and trusted watch my son.
Ben had been here for just a few weeks and together we had adjusted pretty well. Wanda knew that I wouldn’t work much overtime now since my son was with me, so we’ve gotten our schedules fixed to what would work out well for us both. She even hired a part-time waitress to work at night so I was able to leave at a decent time.
I couldn’t deny the lonely feeling that I felt at night whenever I would lie in my bed thinking of Mike, hoping he was just in the room next to me, or my ultimate dream, actually lying right next to me.
I left The Morgan’s and got in my new to me car, and went on about my way to work. I wished that I could say that I was surprised to be hearing from Brock when he called about my car but that would’ve been a lie. Mike had basically cut all ties from me and I really couldn’t blame him. Everything just led up to a downward spiral, first with me not telling him about Ben, then him jumping to his own conclusions about Ethan. Ethan didn’t openly advertise himself as being gay, but he didn’t hide it either. His business was his own and I wasn’t about to openly seek out Mike just to tell him that Ethan wasn’t into me nor was I into him. He had made his decision and as much as that hurt, I had to move on with my life because of my son.